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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my poor ds

134 replies

lostboysfallin · 11/02/2012 18:43

He had some sweets today from a party and he said
"I'm not saving one for daddy because he argues with you and it makes me sad.
and he makes you sad too"

From the mouths of babes

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 14/02/2012 12:28

"E.g, he is annoyed because I haven't organised my mum to look after DS for a long weekend in Sept "

Erm, he knows it's only the middle of february, right ?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 14/02/2012 12:31

exactly Nigel
He can't see that it's an unreasonable thing to get your knickers in a twist about
He has to have everything planned

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 14/02/2012 12:48

i think it sounds as if he needs help. It's not normal to be stressed because you MIL hasn't yet booked a train ticket for something in September.

Does he come from a very chaotic family ?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 14/02/2012 12:53

no, very calm family and an only child
But his mum is quite similar, ie. she likes order and plans

it's my family that's the chaotic one!

OP posts:
Original poster
lostboysfallin · 15/02/2012 11:53

well, we did make a fuss of DS last night and all was calm

he actually said it was his best birthday ever, because DS was so excited.
we realised he's been away for last couple of birthdays, so this was the first one that DS knew what was going on.

he doesn't deserve it.
i don't really think he fully appreciates how upset I am/have been and how much of a big deal it is for me to still actually be nice to him, and especially make all the effort that I did yesterday. Most women would be packing their bags, I'm sure of that

So will have to discuss that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 12:22

it's what women are expected to do though isn't it ?

swallow your own hurt and discomfort, and make everything nice again

make all the effort, concede all the sacrifices so that the cycle can start all over again

carry on with that stiff upper lip, forgetting how shit he can make you feel whenever he has a mind to, forgetting that a little boy looks out for you more than your so-called loving partner

we all do it, lost, or we have done it and decided we will never do it again

tribpot · 15/02/2012 12:27

i don't really think he fully appreciates how upset I am/have been and how much of a big deal it is for me to still actually be nice to him, and especially make all the effort that I did yesterday. Most women would be packing their bags, I'm sure of that

But you aren't. You want him to be a nice guy and appreciate what you do for him, but he doesn't. So what now?

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 15/02/2012 12:38

I don't know
I'm sick of thinking about it.
I go from being positive and firm and holding it all together, to just wanting to curl up and cry
It's not fair

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 15/02/2012 12:52

I'm sorry you are having such a very stressful time. You sound like a devoted, kind wife and mother but you simply cannot do enough can you? Or put another way, nothing you can do is right or enough in his eyes?

I am astonished by the amount of Mumsnet on here who think that their husbands can demand/expect all sorts of ridiculous shit because they have stressful jobs!

I have a very 'big' job with a lot of responsibility and my wage affords us a good lifestyle. My dh is at home.

Guess what? I don't expect gratitude from my husband or kids, my money is our money, I hugely appreciate all the housework he does because his day is bloody busy too, if he's made dinner for me - fab, if he hasn't - no sweat, I'll get something myself. No way should he have to iron my work clothes! He does enough stuff round the house (though if I ask him to if I'm in a huge rush he will).

And re the mornings - I either dress in our bathroom so as not to wake him or I say 'Do you mind if I put the light on' and he says 'no'!!!!!

Proudnscary · 15/02/2012 12:53

Sorry I mean 'by the amount of women on Mumsnet'

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 15/02/2012 13:23

thanks proudnscary
I was actually thinking last night about the logistics of going back to work.
I considered going back to my old career, and him staying at home, long hours, client dinners, late nights. I could do it. Obviously depending on actually getting a job!
he could do the school run, household stuff.
My weekends would be precious with DS, but that's ok, lots of parents do that.

The thing that scared me , what if it didn't work, and then I wanted to leave, but of course he'd be the sahp, and most likely get custody

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 13:33

Get a job and use child care

it doesn't have to be either/or you/him as the SAHP

if you think your husband would shaft you like that, lost, how can you stay with him ?

AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 13:34

if you want to get a job, that is, before anyone new to this thread thinks I have an issue with SAHP, I don't

AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 13:36

what I do believe though, is that women make a very big mistake choosing to give up their careers for men like this

as evidenced here

the problem is, you think you are married to a fair-minded individual who will always treat you with respect when you do it

it is only with hindsight that you realise it was a mistake

Proudnscary · 15/02/2012 13:42

DO IT

x

boredandrestless · 15/02/2012 13:50

Even if he was a full time SAHP he'd still be the same person.
Why should you have to work such a full on, long hours job to keep him in a 5* lifestyle when it certainly isn't important to you to have that, and your DS just needs a happy mum.

I do think that if you can and would like to you should find some work, maybe even something part time. But the idea of you swapping roles completely won't work. He'll still be the same self entitled stressy person he is right now. Imagine telling your DS that this was the plan. Do you think he'd be keen? (I highly doubt it). Do you think he'd be fine with you turning the overhead light on at 5am while he's sleeping, or be getting up to make you toast? He'd be telling you after a busy day (for you) how hard HIS day had been, how it had been SO HARD having to do the school run/the household paperwork, etc.

GooseyLoosey · 15/02/2012 13:54

Not yet read all of the thread, but on the putting the light on thing. I get up at 5.00am for work every morning and have done for years. I put the light on in the ensuite and get dressed in there (if we didn't have one it would be the hall). No one is required to get up to see me off and I leave with as little fuss and as quitely as possible. Anything else would IMO be totally unreasonable.

Right off to read the rest now.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 15/02/2012 14:04

Couple of scenarios; if i went back to work to enable him to leave him stressful job, im hoping that normality will return and him and ds are all good and happy. obviously no guarantees here.
so if it went tits up and he was the sahp i would have to consider that that set up would be better for DS, obviously assuming that their relationship is good and free from stress. Its not really a case of him shafting me, but more what's best for ds, for continuity etc.
If i go back to work and he's still working, he will still whinge and moan to me/at me, and I'll have to deal with a job, commuting and dealing with a nanny,and/or home help as well as making sure ds is ok at school.

It doesn't take any pressure off him

And it doesn't make sense for ds to have a nanny if financially he doesn't need to.

Bloody hell, no easy answers.
Hope this is making sense

OP posts:
Original poster
lostboysfallin · 15/02/2012 14:09

AF, I cannot believe that as an intelligent woman I didn't have the foresight to keep my options open with regards to my career. I wish I could go back in time!
In my defence, we did think we'd be having more children and I always wanted to stay at home with them.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 14:13

lost, I went a bit "general rambling" there for a moment

please don't take anything I said as a direct criticism of you

SAHM is a valid choice. It only works, however, if you are with a man (or woman) who respects it's validity.

rainbowinthesky · 15/02/2012 14:17

I completely agree with anyfucker. It's a huge mistake to become so dependent on a man like this.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 14:17

lost, reread your posts

you are saying that if you went bac to work, you would still be dealing with everything as well as the extra arrangements wrt to childcare/help in the home

I think that post is very illuminating about where the male/female roles lie in your house, and how you yourself are part of the problem

if you were to go back to work, why wouldn't he take more responsibility for child care/shitwork, but most importantly, why wouldn't you expect him to ?

stop rolling over lost, it seems you have been doing it for a very long time

(not that this situation is your own fault...you didn't make him into a nasty piece of work who makes you feel like shit)

boredandrestless · 15/02/2012 14:26

If you go back to work and let him be the stay at home parent you will simply be tied to the relationship, and resentful, in a different way. You won't want to leave because he would be the main carer and you would worry you wouldn't get full residency.

Your thread drew me in as my DS said something very similar to me age 4 and that was the moment I knew I had to leave. It took me a few months after that to get my head together and go but I did and DS is much much happier. As am I now I am not living with a selfish entitled man child who sulks and cries and phones me and texts me, then sulks some more if he can't get hold of me or I don't reply. I no longer have to live with someone who kicks items in a strop when he trips on them, or can't find something, or has been at work being ever so important. Hmm I no longer feel that dread when he's about to come home at the end of the day, and ALL my days are chilled and relaxed and lighter - not just the ones where he's at work or away.

Original poster
lostboysfallin · 15/02/2012 14:36

AF- because if nothing changes with him he's still going to be stressed out by everything. If he can't deal with ordering a pair of shoes online, he's not going to be able to deal with a nanny having to go home because her mum is sick, or making sure a pe kit is ready for Tuesday. He simply doesn't have that spare capacity. Time wise or mentally.
I can't ask him to do more.
its not me, I swear.

I was brought up in a non-traditional roles household, my dad and brother both do more than a half share.

Drop off at pre-school, I look at the couples sharing the dropoffs with such envy.
But these are couples who are both working 9-5, not 6am-9pm.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/02/2012 14:41

I think you think the job is the problem. I think it's his excuse.