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Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 12/02/2012 18:19

My sister said that sadly it goes hand-in-hand with his job (city worker)

I'm sure plenty of them don't go to strip clubs.

he does coke but very rarely, which I also cannot stand

Doesn't sound good to me, regardless of the weekend's events.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 18:19

A real man then. OP, just go talk to your DP and sort this out. Seriously.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 18:21

'Bloody hell Charbon, Sigmund has a point you could try and be a bit more supportive of the OP!'

That comment should have ended at 'Bloody hell Charbon, Sigmund has a point.'

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 18:22

" I haven't said I'm leaving him once, I've said I don't know what I'm going to do. Twice you've said this and twice ive replied"

It was in response to the posters who keep harping on about deal breakers. Plenty others have suggested you should, I was suggesting you shouldn't. But thanks for singling me out again Wink

flippinada · 12/02/2012 18:24

The way you describe him, he doesn't sound that great Jam.

You'll get people saying do this, do that (well, it's already happened) but remember it's just advice and you're not obliged to do what you're told - its up to you.

One thing I would say (and again just advice :))is don't make any decisions while you're upset, and do bear in mind that you're still young and not under any obligation to settle, if that's not what you want.

PattiMayor · 12/02/2012 18:24

I consider a lot of people seedy Sparky. I don't count them among my friends, much less want to share my life with them.

Jam - your partner has a choice - he either stands up for his relationship with you or he goes along with the lads. Hopefully, he'll realise that you're a fuck of a lot more important than they are. And if you aren't, you're better off without him. And like Chandon said, I'm really impressed at you being so young (to me anyway :o) and rejecting the stupid women-objectifying culture that's been shoved in your face as 'normal'. Good for you.

Charbon · 12/02/2012 18:26

I answered your question sparks. If it needs repeating, I think women who go to see male strippers are seedy and deluding themselves that this is a blow for feminism. But it's a specious comparison because the Chippendales and their ilk don't live in a matriarchical society and the clubs in which they perform tend not to be covers for the underbelly of money laundering, drugs, human trafficking and organised crime associated with places that exploit women performers.

I think you're insulting the OP's intelligence sigmund and can't have read all her posts. Jam said upthread that she is aware through personal experience that strip clubs are a cover for other activities, such as prostitution.

Jam having just seen your posts about your husband working in the city, and using coke, I do think there's an argument that he's been corrupted by his environment and that he seems very weak not to speak up about the values you seem to think he has. That in itself though will cause problems throughout your relationship until he grows a backbone and stands apart from the herd of city wankers who think that they are entitled to use women as 'treats' and support another source of human misery - the drugs trade.

PamBeesly · 12/02/2012 18:27

Jam me and my DH work in an industry where at least 80% of the industry takes drugs, we don't, there is no excuse for drug taking or visiting strip clubs OR and most importantly lying to you. No matter what your job, these are all just excuses to justify very bad behaviour. If you don't llke the drug taking (and I can't blame you, especially coke) and now you've had this shock, I'd be seriously considering my options, and my worth as a person on my own, your happiness is so very important please know that. I read too you are TTC, I'd find this the hardest especially if you had your heart set on a baby with him. Just think what kind of dad he'll be if he lies, uses drugs, and treats women as objects. Also remember you can measure how good a dad is by the way he treats the mother of his children. You poor thing, I'd hate this, I'm not saying leave him (although I'd find it too hard to reconcile myself with this especially if there were other issues) only you and your heart will know what to do. Don't forget to use your head either x

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 18:29

Ah...so you are using this thread as a platform for your feminist views Charbon. Hope people realise what your real agenda is here, it's got bugger all to do with the OP.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 18:30

FFS, even his fathering skills are getting a bashing before he's even had kids! Can some of you just stop being alarmist and chill the fuck out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/02/2012 18:30

Jam

you have said that
he caused previous trust issues before
he has different values to you re Strip clubs and class A drugs
and he has lied to you.

I honestly can't see why you are still with him.

PattiMayor · 12/02/2012 18:35

notfluffy and sigmund - do you know what cognitive dissonance is? You're both being absolutely textbook in the way you're responding to this thread. You may not realise it, but you also have an agenda.

Sparks1 · 12/02/2012 18:36

Dear me. Claim what you like about any of this. The fact of the matter is It IS socially acceptable. Banging a moral drum won't change that.

FWIW I Can't say i like the places myself but there you go.

Anyway, back to the OP.

If you are not happy with this leave him. If you can live with it stay. It really is that simple.

Quite why some have made such a black and white issue into a moral crusade i have no idea.

SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 18:38

"My sister said that sadly it goes hand-in-hand with his job (city worker) plus he does coke but very rarely, which I also cannot stand"

I worked in the city and can wharf for years, sure people go to strip clubs, people take drugs, people get too pissed and get off with people they shouldn't, people spend too much money on champagne to impress other people and so on.

However IME they are in a minority and most people just go out and get drunk and go to shit clubs.
And then they get older / married / bored and stop doing the "out with work" thing.

Strippers / drugs / whatever, none of it is compulsory. I know plenty of men who work up in town who don't do this stuff. Some groups do, sure. But you don't have to be a part of those groups, there are plenty of other people going out who are not doing these things.

Groovee · 12/02/2012 18:38

My husband admitted 9 years down the line that on his stag night, he had a lapdance forced upon him by some so called mates. My friends dh said his best man walked away and left him so he went to ensure he was ok and no extra's as he knew his GF who was my bridesmaid would kill him if she found out. The day after he looked me in the eye and denied he'd gone.

I was so gutted and it took a lot of work to get us back on track and I still tense up if certain people ask him to go on a night out.

But you've said he's lied to you before. I think that would be a deal breaker for me. I know dh is very honest about everything else. When I was 7 months pregnant he went out and danced with another woman who was married and none of her friends would dance with her so dh did. By chance we bumped into her and her husband a few days later and she told me how lovely he was and how all he had done was talk about me and the baby. We still see her every so often. I was grateful he'd told me as MIL told me her mates daughter had seen him dancing with another woman and had made it worse than it was. They were most upset when I laughed. But he's always been truthful since. Which was why I gave him a second chance.

SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 18:40

People who do do these things have a vested interest in thinking that their attitude is normal, and that normal people are fine with it.

Fact is they are not.

"The fact of the matter is It IS socially acceptable"

No it isn't. If I stood on the high street on a weekend and asked passers by if they thought that going to strip clubs was socially acceptable, the majority of people would say not. It is a discrete group who think it is fine and normal. A discrete group that does not constitute the entirety of UK society.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 18:41

patti

You know fuck all about me.

Charbon · 12/02/2012 18:41

jam instead of thinking of this as a threat, why not think of it as an opportunity?

An opportunity to have a much deeper discussion about your individual values and what's important to you both? A chance for your partner to look at his behaviour and that of his colleagues and to challenge this insidious culture and the effect it's had on him?

This might be a watershed moment in your relationship, but if your partner has the values you believe him to, then this might not be the death knell for your relationship.

Make this experience count for something.

It will have served its purpose if you have a better relationship with truth and mutual respect restored, or if you decide that he cannot change and you deserve better.

SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 18:42

Very aggressive Confused

Why do you care so much if some people on the internet don't like strip clubs? I mean, really, I don't get it.

I don't get all heated when people tell me they don't like taking drugs. Or gardening. Or whatever.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 18:43

That's good advice charbon ^^ I think I will do that tonight.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 18:44

Good luck jam Smile

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 18:44

I agree sardine there are a few very aggressive people on this thread. Maybe they're going through stuff themselves, who knows

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 12/02/2012 18:45

Sardine

If you stood on the high street and asked that question chances are that high street could well have a strip club business on it.

I'd say that's an indication that these establishments are socially accepted....

Charbon · 12/02/2012 18:45

Good luck jam.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 18:46

sardine

I haven't got heated. That's your misinterpretation due to knowing fuck all about me Wink