To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

[JamRagRolyPoly]

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' .

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

Jam, I think some people on here have been very rude to you. If I were you I would continue to post about this in relationships, as some posters on MN just see AIBU threads as an excuse to be adversarial nasty

It's just nonsense to say that going to a strip club is no different from looking at porn. Of course you are interacting with people when they are in the same room as you, who you can make eye contact with and they with you.

If you would settle for your man going to strip clubs then maybe your own sense of self worth needs examining.

IMO if a female is so insecure with herself that she has issues re a guy going to a strip club then that is when her self worth needs examining.

A female content in/with herself usually has no problem with a guy visiting strip clubs or similar venues.

Has anybody asked the (supposed) women on this thread why they don't get all their partners' male buddies round, strip naked, get them pissed and bend over in front of them? Or what they'd say if one of the other wives did so?

Jam, I agree with what Charbon said: Lying to a partner can never be excused by the partner's reaction, because that's putting the blame on to someone else for his own behaviour. It doubles the offence of lying in the first place.
"I lied because I knew you wouldn't like it" puts you in the position of angry parent to his naughty child. It's unhealthy.

That makes no sense to me AnotherMum. As a woman (prefer that to "female") I'm very happy and secure in my relationship, we just both happen to think that going to look at other people have no part in that relationship. Wedding vows 'n all.
He promised to love, honour and cherish me. I can assure you I wouldn't feel particularly honoured and cherished by my husband going to look at other women's private parts for a spot of light entertainment.

It got moved to relationships, sadly it should have been reposted there instead. Too many people desperate to explain how they don't mind their blokes going to strip joints so why should the op? Er, cos you're not her. pffft.

A woman who has a political conscience and the intelligence and knowledge to see what behaviours and attitudes support the sex industry - and the self-esteem to counter the enormous cultural pressure to accept the indefensible - has no need of self-examination. The 'low self-esteem' accusation is one of the biggest myths in this debate.

You don't have to be a man to be a misogynist, or brainwashed by cultural pressures.

And as the OP keeps saying, this thread is about her beliefs and her relationships, not what others find acceptable. Posters who need to attack someone for having beliefs and standards different to their own perhaps need to look at themselves and their own relationships and question why they do that?

xkittyx I dont think that the morality of strip clubs is the crux of the problem. It was the fact that initially they had differing views and that was causing conflict. It could have been differing views on anything. The fact that both you and your dp have agreeing views means its not a problem. Now op says that her dp agrees with her views. He either means it and therefore its not a problem or he doesn't and it will probably crop up as a future problem.

In the Op, jam clearly stated she was 'very much against them' ie: against strip clubs. How would you have preferred she said it, in order to make it more clear not? How can you say that is 'barely' mentioning her feelings about strip clubs? Yes, her first question was to do with the fact that she sent a text to the friend, but the situation has moved on since then, so it is reasonable that her focus has also moved on.

The DP has lied to her, directly on this occasion and by omission wrt the August visit to a strip club. On both occasions he knew he was doing something she has clear and reasonable objections to, yet he chose to do it anyway and then to lie about it. The OP is entitled to object to her partner visiting these places, just as others are reasonable to be happy with their own partners going to them. It doesn't matter whether anybody else agrees with her, it is her view that these places are akin to cheating. And he knew that. And yet he chose to go anyway. It is showing a complete lack of respect for her feelings whilst indulging his own.

Personally, I tend to agree with Ops views on them. My Dh happens to agree with me and would not want to go to one either. He is also man enough not to feel he has to follow the herd and go just because everyone else is going.

No-one has said her DP can't go, just that he should have been honest with her about his view at the outset, so she could make the choice about whether she wanted to enter into a relationship with someone who has such diametrically opposed views to her on something so important. I suspect that had he been honest at the start, she would not have continued the relationship. For me, if I were in the same situation, the fact that he could lie about something like this, would mean I would have to end it.

Quite. But it's quite clear her OH does not share those beliefs.

So if she can't live with that then she needs to finish it.

It's not fucking rocket science. Why the need for all the moralising and other crap that always seems to happen on these threads.

If my brain hadn't turned to mush since being at home for 3 years with dd I would have said exactly what Charbon so eloquently said.

Hark at you Charbon - thanks for enlightening us disagreeable 'others' to our misogynistic and brainwashed ways.

....and I really hope you're ok Jam my dh lied to me in the past and it's not a nice place to be in. It'll get better either way.

Jam You've been given such a rough ride on this one, I really feel for you.

Agree with kodachrome that there are a lot of women on here shouting just a bit too loudly about how they're fine with DP/DH going to strip clubs.

Every relationship is different with different standards being upheld within them. Different people 'put up' with different things. E.g. lots of women on ou here tolerate DP/DH going out and drinking heavily and coming home a X a clock in the morning. I don't tolerate drinking or drunken behaviour in any form and DP knows that he drinks = I pack my bags (there is a long backstory to this btw). Likewise, DP gets ridiculously and disproportionately stressed if the house is messy. Out of respect for him, I try to be as tidy as possible (naturally a very messy person). No-one has the right to judge you based on the fact you do not want your DH to go to a strip club, if that's what you do not find acceptable then that's that!

FWIW, in my relationship we both know that visiting strip club/similar establishment = lack of respect for the other person = relationship over.

I do get puzzled when a person asks for opinions then gets all shitty when people give an opinion which doesn't suit them. Seems like the OP has a very clear idea how she feels and needs to just decide, herself, what to do about that. No one, and I mean no one, knows the true characters of those involved so should really butt out now. Including me, before anyone reminds me, sorry to piss on your next post.

All the best to the OP, just remember we're not all perfect, we're just human.

Did I ask people their opinions on strip clubs fluffy?

I do get puzzled when a person asks for opinions then gets all shitty when people give an opinion which doesn't suit them

It's acceptable on AIBU: apparently that why it got moved to Relationships where offerering a different POV makes you "cold and judgemental". Apparently.
And since moving it we've come a long way from: Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else? as someone else pointed out.

I do hope this gets sorted out but the OP does need, I think, to decide whether the strip club or the lying is the main issue here.

I often wonder just what prompts people to use any random platform to have a pop at Feminist beliefs

I hope you are ok today, OP

Take care of yourself

I think, personally, that if I started a thread asking for opinions and already had very firm opinions of my own that I'd be reading the posts which held an opposing view to mine and seeing if there was anything of value in them, if I didn't in fact glean anything of value I'd be thanking them very much for their input but stating that I felt differently. I wouldn't be telling them to fuck off and questioning their morals.

Next time just be clearer, you already have very firm views on the matter and just want emotional back-up

anothermum that old chesnut.
Cos we is all fugly innit?
So we dont like our men looking at purty girls

No, I wouldnt like my husband contributing to an industry that objectifies, demeans and exploits women.

I dont care what the women look like or how they compare to me.

I am fairly sure that I would divorce DH if he ever set foot in a strip club

For me it's about two things - the first being feminism and the second being taste and decency. Only seedy blokes go to strip clubs, frankly. I did not marry a seedy bloke. I am very sorry for those of you who chose to marry men of this ilk. The whole self-worth thing works the other way IMO. A woman with a decent sense of self-worth would not be happy with her DH going to strip clubs. Or visiting prostitutes, the second step being really not much further than the first.

If my DH were to turn into a seedy bloke, he would have changed beyond recognition from the rather decent chap I married.

mrs devere

So If I went to a "specialist" club where I could look at hot naked young men with large naked erect penises gyrating slowly for me, and DH was pissed off, it would be because he was ugly. Yes that makes sense!

TBH my objections are to do with the harm the sex industry does to society as a whole, the treatment some/many of these women receive, and all that side of it. I am not sure whether that means I am ugly, or a prude. Maybe both! Hooray!!!

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time on this thread OP. I think there's some kind of radar out there that alerts people to the opportunity to defend the sex industry on mn. If that means hurting the feelings of an otherwise upset OP, that won't stand in their way. You have a right to your opinions and for what it's worth, lots and lots of us here agree with you. Try to focus on that if you can.

'I often wonder just what prompts people to use any random platform to have a pop at Feminist beliefs'

This is not a random platform. I'm heartily sick of almost every serious thread becoming an opportunity for feminists to promote their agenda's.

Only seedy blokes go to strip clubs

So the logical conclusion is only seedy women have a male stripper at their hen do surely?

Not having a go, i'm genuinely intrigued by this standpoint.