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Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:20

fluffy the whole fucking thread has been about strip clubs and lying? What's so difficult? Once I found out he'd been I lost it, READ the thread.

nkf go back a few pages, I said I came home

I also said to him he can do as he wishes, but if he still wants to go to watch other naked women he should tell me so I could leave.

I think I'm going to leave my own thread now as I'm being bashed too much. Came on here for a little support, not for everyone to agree with me - I know that's not how it works, but just a little compassion.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 12:20

Some really vicious posts on here to an upset woman, TBH.

She is considering whether to split up with her partner who she was TTC with and people are laughing at her and taking the piss.

Just because someone doesn't share the same opinions as you doesn't give you the right to put the boot in when they are upset.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:22

Have I said I'm leaving him fluffy? I told him yesterday I couldn't imagine being with him anymore but I'm not willing to throw it away, I like to work on things but only if the respect is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:24

I've seen hundreds of threads on MN where 90% of posters have said leave him when he doesn't do enough housework or doesn't help with the dcs enough. The op has had full support.

But when my DP goes out behind my back to see naked women, lies to me, I'm the bad guy? Confused

OP posts:
SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:25

'I told him yesterday I couldn't imagine being with him anymore but I'm not willing to throw it away'

How gracious Hmm

ledkr · 12/02/2012 12:26

Blimey what the hell is wrong with some of you people? Many many perfect women on mn of course.

garlicfrother · 12/02/2012 12:26

Just adding my respect for you, OP.

I have tolerated this in a past life but, now, I think I'd maybe give one chance after which I'd explain why I object so strongly. Your objection was already clear, as shown by the fact he lied (twice). To me, this shows double disrespect for you.

Your text trap was justified because it fetched this out of the shadows. What you do about it is up to you, of course. I know there's much more to a relationship. Problem is the broken trust - will he be able to do everything necessary to rebuild it? It's probably too soon to go for a chatty lunch. Hope you're able to keep supportive friends around you.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:29

ledkr I think we have some men posing as women on here, otherwise stop the world I want to get off. Jees.

OP posts:
SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:30

'I've seen hundreds of threads on MN where 90% of posters have said leave him when he doesn't do enough housework or doesn't help with the dcs enough. The op has had full support.'

Those threads are beyond ludicrous. The people who said leave have their own agendas that are often not to do with the OP at all.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 12:31

I dont think your a bad guy op. You have your views and your dp has his. Neither are right or wrong. Just different.

I like to work on things but only if the respect is there.

Do you mean I want to work on things and come to a compromise, and we should respect each other's different values

or

I want to work on things, he knows how I feel, and if he doesn't agree with me and do as I think is right then we should split up?

xkittyx · 12/02/2012 12:31

JamRag I just asked my DH if he thought going to strip clubs when you have a partner is cheating. He says yes, in his opinion it is. And that's a male perspective.
Not everyone out there is a twat who thinks men have a god-given right to porn/strip clubs. There is nothing wrong with living a life without sexual sleaze as a feature.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:32

Jam, just bowl over to the feminist section, you'll get the kind of support you're after there x.

garlicfrother · 12/02/2012 12:32

notfluffy et al ... I don't consider asking a man to avoid treating women like pieces of meat is a high expectation. Saying you'd leave him if he doesn't get an OBE or something: that's a high expectation. Some pretty low-set bars around here, imo.

It is like asking how you'd feel if you came home to find a naked woman sitting astride him. And like asking how he'd feel if his daughter or sister turned up naked at his table, in front of his friends.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:32

He said that he knew going there was wrong and it wasn't respectful to us.

OP posts:
watchoutforthatsnail · 12/02/2012 12:33

i want to add my support for you too. You have done nothing wrong. he lied when you asked. That says enough.
Weather he lied to protect himself, or you doesnt matter. he lied.
He also showed no respect for your feelings and a general contempt of women. My ex husband used to behave like this, women were a comdodity, with no feelings, just there for him to have sex with. Utterly discuting. While at the time i trued to convince myself ' it didnt matter, they all do it' i felt very much differently, and i will not entre another relationship where my feelings are comprimised.

The snopping is a non issue, you are not the first, nor the last person in the world do have done this, and since it proved your case it was justified.

Charbon · 12/02/2012 12:33

I'm so sorry your thread got hijacked by the sex industry apologists OP.

I think there are three main issues you need to work on.

The first is why your partner goes to strip clubs. It's obviously something that's acceptable in his friendship group, so you need to establish whether he enjoys participating in the sex trade or whether he is too weak to stand apart from his friends. I would imagine that neither of these outcomes would appeal to you in a long-term partner.

The issue of lying. Lying to a partner can never be excused by the partner's reaction, because that's putting the blame on to someone else for his own behaviour. It doubles the offence of lying in the first place. Small lies in a relationship give way to bigger lies and deceits. It is as you say, a slippery slope.

The concept of choice, rights and responsibilities. Your partner has the right to do what he wants. You have the right and responsibility to say and make clear, what is acceptable to you. Your partner has a responsibility to be open about his choices. You then have the right to say whether you will tolerate being in a relationship where those choices are exercised. If he wants to stay in the relationship, he then has the choice whether he puts strip clubs, porn and misogynist cronies over you.

I think you've shown your strength of character on this thread by standing up to posters who've implied you are controlling, 'uptight' and over-emotional. Never, ever doubt your own ethics and the right to feel what you do. Don't ever be bullied to accept what is unacceptable to you.

Celebrate the fact that you've resisted the cultural pressure to be 'cool' about something to which you have personal and political objections - and that you have the intelligence to see the wider picture.

Only you can decide, with your knowledge of your partner and through your discussions with him, whether he has the same strength of character and intelligence to question his own behaviour and change.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:34

So because i object to strip clubs, I'm a feminist? Save you kisses for another poor sod sigmund I don't need them.

OP posts:
nkf · 12/02/2012 12:35

Good luck with whatever you decide. You've had a hard time of it on here, I reckon. Hope things get better.

ledkr · 12/02/2012 12:36

jam I almost asked if some men were posting.
The thing is it is about personal attitude.If you are a woman who is happy with your man lying and visiting a strip club then fine but dont then push your opinions onto another woman making out she is some kid of nutter.
If you would settle for your man going to strip clubs then maybe your own sense of self worth needs examining.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:39

If you are a woman who is happy with your man lying and visiting a strip club then fine but dont then push your opinions onto another woman making out she is some kid of nutter.

This.

I could not care less if some of you watch porn, go to strip clubs, have dps that go to them. I don't care, that's up to you.

But it's not for me. Never will be. Sorry.

Thanks to those who understand where I'm coming from

OP posts:
SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:39

Oh, so you're not a feminist? Don't worry, you will be soon. This board is chock full of them. In a month's time you'll be eschewing PIV.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 12:40

He said that he knew going there was wrong and it wasn't respectful to us.

Your dp saying that makes me think 2 things if I were you, either

(a) He genuinely believes that in which case i'd be really fucked off that he could do something that you both believe is disrespectful, and question how much he loved me or how much respect he actually had for me and himself, and I really would question why he was lying in the first place, if he feels that way then obviously it was too much booze overruling and he could have just apologised first thing; or

(b) he's just saying that to keep me happy as that is what i want to hear, and wonder how long it will be before he reverts back to his original thinking.

Only you know your dp and which option its likely to be.

ledkr · 12/02/2012 12:41

What is wrong with being a feminist btw?? Im confused,shouldnt we all be feminists as women?

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:42

No, we should fucking not.

Sparks1 · 12/02/2012 12:42

Talk about over thunking things.

He finds the concept acceptable you don't. In which case finish it.