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Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 12/02/2012 11:53

SigmundFraud

"your definition of a real man, I'd guess, is a mangina."

oh no you didn't.

Damn thats at least one response of MRA

xkittyx · 12/02/2012 11:55

I just don't get how it's somehow a right, in some people's heads, for men to look at other naked women. How or why is this okay? It's not like they need it - it's not food, water or oxygen.
If someone came home and found their next door neighbour dancing naked in front of their husband they'd be understandably furious. So how is a strip club different? Saying it is dehumanises the women working there, like they don't count or something.
My husband and I have agreed sexual exclusivity, and to me that precludes him making the active choice to look at another woman's naked bodyparts.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:55

think I'll have to hide this now, the number of sad anti-feminist women supporting such backwards men is truly depressing. And luckily wholly unrepresentative of real life amongst normal people

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:56

Then i apologise TPA, I took it to mean that you felt strips clubs were on a par with clubbing seals, mugging old ladies, and cheating at bridge, as it was not clear and they were all mentioned in the same sentence.

FlightRisk · 12/02/2012 11:58

sigmund I've tried explaining what goes on in strip clubs. I got flamed for having an open mind and not being uptight Grin

The abortion perspective was used as the OP is making it as big as that.

men are not allowed to touch the women in strip clubs so how are they interacting.

Did he pay for a lap dance? Where in the thread does it say that he paid for a lapdance? It doesn't so you can't say that he paid money for a woman to wave her fanny in his face!!!

nkf · 12/02/2012 12:00

The abortion analogy is a little extreme but it works. In the case of abortion, she should make a choice based on what she wants to do and finds acceptable. But she takes the risk of losing him because he finds what she did morally reprehensible.

The OP's partner did something she says he knew she hated and now may be dumped. Or he might of course decide he'd rather be with a woman who doesn't mind strip clubs. Just like the woman who has the abortion might decide that a man who objected isn't for her.

nkf · 12/02/2012 12:02

I am also highly amused by the suggestion that men only go to strip clubs for a few beers. Or maybe a couple of sweet sherries.

Just like they only read Penthouse for the articles.

FlightRisk · 12/02/2012 12:04

Having and open mind does not make us anti-feminist.

Have any of you actually talked to a stripper about their work?

All the ones I've seen enjoy their work because they earn a lot of money for dancing around. Thats how they see it. Just dancing around.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 12:06

I used the abortion analogy in direct response to the term 'morally reprehensible' and I got a telling off for being OTT.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:07

'And luckily wholly unrepresentative of real life amongst normal people'

In your dreams.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:10

Sadly, Flight, on MN it DOES make us anti-feminist, but there you go.

anastaisia · 12/02/2012 12:10

It really doesn't matter if people disagree with the OP on strip clubs - her partner knew how she felt, and withheld information about his own views from her. She doesn't need to be convinced it's more or less serious based on what we think of strip clubs ourselves - she's entitled to make that a deal breaker for her in her own relationships.

And it's worse than if her partner had just told her from the start that he didn't share her views - which would have meant she had that information to help her decide about the relationship at a far earlier stage. Because he deliberately didn't discuss it, showing Jam things about how he handles differences, what his priorities might be when there is conflict between what he wants to do and her feelings, the fact he'll lie so easily to her and a lack of respect for her views (and possibly their financial situation too).

If you take the strip club out of it altogether - there are plenty of issues there that make it more complicated than just saying 'can you forgive him for going and accept that he might go again?'. And I'd personally think it was really important to work through all of those things before deciding if it was a relationship that I plan to have children in.

nkf · 12/02/2012 12:10

Well, I do think the analogy is a bit extreme but it works because in both cases it's about what weight should one give to a partner's wishes.

There will people who will the tell the OP's partner that he is well shot of such an uptight person But should she care?

She isn't married to this man. She doesn't have children with him. Why put up with something she really finds deplorable. Because there are no good men out there? Is that really the case? And even if he were the last man on earth, if he does things you don't like, then why be with him?

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:10

I sorry this has turned into a pro-strip vs anti-strip debate on a mainly female forum. It's unbelievable actually.

To all of you supporting his right to go, ill say it again.

none of you would like your partner/husband looking at a live naked woman dancing provocatively

The fucking end.

flight how do you know what every strip club is like?

I have friends who have been strippers in the past. There are always extras offered. It is basically a brothel. Obviously I'm not saying all men take up these, but many do.

We spoke earlier. He admitted to going once before in august last year.

I told him how this has made me feel, how it's akin to cheating. How I feel a fool, disrespected. He listened to me rant and cry. Tried to fight his case a bit but in the end asked me what he could do. He has said he's never going to go again. But how can I believe him now?

He said he never would've gone had he known I was so opposed - surely he knew I was as he tried to lie about it?

He's offered to take me out to lunch, not sure if I want to sit opposite him and eat right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:11

paranoidandroid thank you for your posts and advice, spot on.

OP posts:
Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 12:12

And anastaisia

OP posts:
nkf · 12/02/2012 12:12

Do you have to be there? I thought you were at your sister's?

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 12:14

Oh well, maybe you and your moral highground should eat lunch alone today.

I do think it strange that your OP barely mentioned your feelings about strip clubs and it absolutely wasn't your main focus, but it it now morally reprehensible and akin to cheating.

nkf · 12/02/2012 12:16

The first post said, "he knows I'm very much against them." I took that to mean that, well, he knew that she was very much against them.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:17

'none of you would like your partner/husband looking at a live naked woman dancing provocatively'

Mine does occasionally and I don't care. The fucking end.

Feel sorry for your DP. The last thing I'd do is offer you lunch, or anything else, but there you go.

SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 12:18

"Oh well, maybe you and your moral highground should eat lunch alone today. "

The good news is there are plenty of women in great relationships with men who do not visit strip clubs.

Smile
SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 12:19

'Oh well, maybe you and your moral highground should eat lunch alone today.'

Amen to that Grin

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 12:19

none of you would like your partner/husband looking at a live naked woman dancing provocatively

If it was in a strip club, i can honestly say I would not give a flying fuck. I view these places as a business. Girl, naked or otherwise, dances, stupid man pays out money to watch while sitting on his hands for fear of being ejected.

What may happen afterwards is a different story. But I trust my dp that he would not cheat on me with anyone, naked dancer, some random in the pub/club/next door neighbour. And by cheat I mean have physical, sexual and emotional contact with someone else. That is reserved for me.

You and your dp obviously have different ideas of what constitutes cheating.

FlightRisk · 12/02/2012 12:20

Jam I'll say it again.

I do not mind if my partner went to a strip club at all.

What I don't like is people telling me what I like and don't fucking like.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 12:20

It wasn't the main concern of the op at that time though.

Know what? I'd hate to live with someone, like some if you, that are so intolerant and intolerant of human failings. I've fucked up in my life but thank goodness my DH is more forgiving than some of you, and vice versa, I accept he's human too. Sometimes it's impossible to live up to someone else's high expectations.