Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:34

It makes you a liar. And "no your arse doesn't look big in that" is not at all the same thing as "no I didn't spend our money on getting someone to stick their fanny in my face when I already know you would hate me doing it".

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 11:34

The OP's goalposts have moved somewhat since her first post. Her question was "was I wrong to have texted the friend", her post said she was more upset about his lies, she mentioned he knows she's against strip clubs but it absolutely wasn't her main issue. After being on here for a few hours she suddenly became vehemently against strip clubs, equating them with cheating and showed little tolerance for anyone with an alternative view point. Her title question was Am I Being Unreasonable To have Texted The Friend, those who voiced the opinion that yes she was were shooshed away for being insensitive.

If the OP is willing to end her relationship over this I'm afraid that says more about her than the partner. Everyone fucks up.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:35

But he didn't shag someone else.

He lied because he knew it was something she found unacceptable.

Exactly, she, the op, found it unacceptable. Not the dp. So it was the OP's feelings that were going to be hurt. Not the dp's.

The op is trying to project her views onto her dp who clearly doesn't agree with her. And if he back downs to her for an easy life then imo it will lead to resentment. They either have to both agree or agree to disagree. You can't expect someone not to do something they find agreeable just because you dont.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:36

Yes, it says shes a strong woman with principles who doesn't want to be with a sleazy liar. Good on her. You might want to try finding some yourself.

perceptionreality · 12/02/2012 11:36

Exactly, it's not a thought crime, he participated actively.

FlightRisk · 12/02/2012 11:36

paranoid he didn't shag someone else though that is the point!!!

This thread is ridiculous.

The OP even says that all women should stand together to stop men looking at other naked women!! WTAF???

I know I'm not the only woman who has watched porn with a partner. It often helps get people in the mood.

What is so wrong with that?? nothing.

How the OP feels about strip clubs is fine but she can't tell a partner or anybody else how to feel about them.

She can't tell him that he can't go and then think it is a good relationship. It isn't. Controlling a partner does not make a good relationship.

If it was the other way round you'd all be flaming him him and telling her to leave him for being so controlling.

She either accepts that he likes them or finds some one who doesn't like going to them.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:39

She either accepts that he likes them or finds some one who doesn't like going to them.

That I believe is the crux.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:39

I think you're all full of shit anyway and wouldn't put up with it yourselves.

Of course you can expect people not to do things you find disagreeable (or morally reprehensible). I don't expect my loved ones to club baby seals to death, mug old ladies, or cheat their grannies at bridge. Or go to strip clubs and lie about it.
I fail to see how this is an odd point of view, in fact I think you'll find its the normal response.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:40

'stick their fanny in my my face'. Lovely turn of phrase. How do you know so much about strip clubs when you haven't actually been to one? Why don't you find out for yourself?

You might be suprised by how unerotic they are. If you have a mental image of groups of rabid drooling men falling over themselves to have a 'fanny stuck in their face' then you're sadly mistaken.

perceptionreality · 12/02/2012 11:41

Watching porn is not the same as going to a strip club - the latter is much worse.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 11:42

Ok, using the "morally reprehensible" notion. Should a woman who needs an abortion not have one because her partner finds it morally reprehensible. She should be forced to go along with his wishes and have an unwanted child based purely on her partners moral stance?

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:42

It is ridiculous, the same people who on other threads would lambast a man for playing football when his wife wants him home to help with the kids say its fine to fuck off to strip clubs and lie about it and the OP is at fault for being upset.

Anyway I've had enough. If you're all happy to be with the kind of men that act like this, that are happy to objectify, exploit, and condone outrageous sexism and often criminality and then lie about it, you're welcome to them. More real men for the rest of us.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 11:42

"Watching porn is not the same as going to a strip club - the latter is much worse"

Why?

anastaisia · 12/02/2012 11:44

surely, if you disagree with your partner on something you know is important to them - meaning it's obviously been discussed in the past - you bring it up and talk about it. You don't just go along with things until you want to do it anyway, that's keeping information from the OP that she could have used at a far earlier point in the relationship to decide if it's going somewhere?

You don't let them believe you won't go, go anyway, then lie about it.

perceptionreality · 12/02/2012 11:45

SigmundFraud - sorry but I do find that a little disingenuous. After all, if people didn't get aroused by these places they would not exist and people wouldn't pay for them.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:45

"Ok, using the "morally reprehensible" notion. Should a woman who needs an abortion not have one because her partner finds it morally reprehensible. She should be forced to go along with his wishes and have an unwanted child based purely on her partners moral stance?"

Ridiculous analogy. But since you brought it up, she can go ahead and have one, but you wouldn't expect him not to be upset, and possibly end the relationship over it, would you? A fundamental difference on this point would be a deal breaker for many. But really, you're equating "being forced to have an unwanted child" with "I'm not allowed to go to strip clubs"? Really ? How......bizarrely OTT of you.

perceptionreality · 12/02/2012 11:46

It's worse because in a strip club you are interacting with people, live! That is not even comparable with watching a film.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 11:47

Lol, I'm being accused of being OTT.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:48

Anastasia, you are correct. The op's dp should have been clear up front about his stance on strip clubs. Absolutely. But you cant unfortunately pop into the past and change that. The op now knows his stance and she now has to decide what to do.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:48

Yes, because you are.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:49

'More real men for the rest of us.' That's debatable, it would depend on the definition of a real man. I have my definition of a 'real man' (bizarre phrase), your definition of a real man, I'd guess, is a mangina.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:50

TPA, I dont find equating going to strip clubs with being forced to have an unwanted child any more ridiculous that equating going to a strip club with clubbing baby seals to death.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:51

Then perhaps you should read properly and understand the spectrum. Strip clubs was next to cheating grannies at bridge.
HTH

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:53

perception - I was talking about the fact that OP's DP was aroused when he got home. I don't deny that men (and women) could become aroused whilst there.

And whilst I'm on the subject, a fair few women have said that they've been to strip clubs, a fact by and large ignored. Aren't they morally reprehensible too? Why aren't they getting the same flaming?

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:53

"'More real men for the rest of us.' That's debatable, it would depend on the definition of a real man. I have my definition of a 'real man' (bizarre phrase), your definition of a real man, I'd guess, is a mangina."

No idea what that means, but my real man is one that doesn't lie and doesn't need to pay exploited women lots of money to jiggle her gee in his face. So sad for you that yours isn't.