Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
nkf · 12/02/2012 10:19

Maybe he is considering whether he wants to be with her but that should have no bearing on what she chooses to do.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 10:41

If I had 'hurt my partner so badly' over something minor (in the grand scheme of relationship trauma), I would gently leave. For her sake but mainly for mine. OP said he was a good man. I think she should think carefully about that. There are plenty out there who aren't.

People on here backing up a massive overreaction innapropriate responses is questionable.

nkf · 12/02/2012 10:46

But it's only "minor" if people think it is. If he thinks it's minor and she doesn't then they have a problem. Other people thinking it's minor are of no importance to them.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 10:48

Massive overreaction is what the relationships board does best Wink

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 10:48

Its not minor though is it? Not to her. Try and see things from someone elses point of view, its not about YOU.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 10:56

I would imagine the majority of people in RL would consider in minor. MN has a large feminist presence, so it's understandable that a lot of people responding to the OP are angry on her behalf.

But yes, I would agree that it's only minor if people think it is. I think it would be a shame if the OP lets this incident destroy her relationship with a good man.

At the end of the day, it's the OP who will have to live with the loss of an essentially good relationship, not the 'advisors' on here. I think people tend to lose sight of that.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 10:57

Is what it meant to him relevant at all? What if he was surrounded by naked women but really didn't feel sexually aroused at all. My H has been a few times, on RAF detatchments and stag do's but got no sexual stimulation from it at all. OP equates it with cheating but if all the guy was doing was standing at the bar, or in a quiet alcove having a beer then no way is that cheating, not by any stretch of the imagination. What if, like my DH, he really felt nothing? Surely cheating has to involve some level of participation (sexually) from him?

SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 10:58

Gawd how is someone doing something that you have moral / deeply held objections to, and then lying to your face about it, minor?

If someone was a vegan, and their partner went hare coursing, and then lied about it, is that minor?
If someone was vehemently anti-prejudice, and their partner went to a BNp meeting and then lied about it, is that minor?
If someone is really anti drugs, and their partner goes out and does coke and lies about it, is that minor?
A million examples.

It's not minor when one person has a deeply held belief / moral standpoint, and the other one knows that, does something against it, and then lies to their face. Presumably if people are in a relationship they share values on these major points or have agreed to disagree. Doing something you know your partner is really against and then lying is not minor whichever way you look at it.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 10:58

It's not about you either, TheParanoidAndroid, nor anybody else on this thread.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 10:59

Bollocks they would. A man who spends money they can't afford on strippers and then blatently lies about it is no-one's idea of a good man. Unless you really drag the dregs for your men.

SardineQueen · 12/02/2012 11:00

"Everybody lies about something at some point, and sometimes they are caught out, and it's how we respond to being lied to that sets the benchmark for the future of the relationship."

You what?

I don't go around lying to people Confused

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:12

Presumably if people are in a relationship they share values on these major points or have agreed to disagree. Doing something you know your partner is really against and then lying is not minor whichever way you look at it.

I think this is exactly the OP's problem, I dont think they share the same opinion on this particular point (Strip club) and op is not willing to agree to disagree, (she retains her stance but not accept her dp's stance) and clearly her dp is not willing to adopt her stance (as in he still finds it acceptable for him to go to strip club). The OP has to ask herself if she is willing to lose her relationship with a good man, as she says he is, to not compromise her values.

She is within her rights not to ask him to go, but he is equally within his rights to not comply if he doesn't agree with her. I personally think that unless her dp somehow changes his views on strip clubs and agrees with her that it is cheating (i dont share this belief btw) and that is the reason for him not going then it will always be a bone of contention. Especially if it her dp stops going but only to keep op happy and because this is what op wants, not because the dp truely wants to stop going.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:13

Sardine, in situations like these you have two choices.

I find it sad that one incident will the colour the rest of the relationship, because therein lies the route to madness. The OP states that her husband is a good man. She should consider this. The dissapointment on here that she hasn't left already is palpable. I find this somewhat disturbing, and I genuinely can't understand it.

Minor, major, whatever. Her reaction was OTT. He wasn't cheating, if he was it wouldn't have been with the lap dancers. Perspective.

If she leaves him, fine. Really hope she wasn't influenced into doing it though.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:15

TheParanoidAndroid - OP said he was a good man.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:17
  • DP not husband, sorry.
perceptionreality · 12/02/2012 11:17

NotFluffy - the OP said he came home obviously aroused.

I thinks it's entirely possible he went along to this with his friends but is not something he would crave generally. It doesn't justify the lying though obviously.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 11:22

He was stupid to have lied, even though its clear to me he only did it to save the OPs feelings. What would OP do if her dp had responded "yes, i went to strip club, I appreciate your moral stance regarding them but I dont share your particular views on this matter, and I wont be dictated to where I can go?" OP can I ask you how you would have responded to that?

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:23

Wow, came home obviously aroused? Maybe it was at the thought of OP? Just an idea.

otherwise bung that dancer a few extra quid for being sooooooo good that she left a lasting impression

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:23

He only lied to save the OP's feelings? Would you be saying that if he shagged someone else?
He lied because he knew it was something she found unacceptable. And because he's a liar.

notfluffyatall · 12/02/2012 11:27

Thanks fuck you can't get charged for thought crimes, I'd have been done for all sorts!

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:29

He didn't shag someone else Paranoid. I'm not concerning myself with hypothesis.

Fluffy - you and me both Wink

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 11:31

Thought crimes don't involve actually going to strip clubs and lieing about it afterwards. Thats action, not thought.

Your partners must think themselves very lucky men. Go to lap dancing clubs, spend your money on exploiting women, and then if you lie about it afterwards, don't worry, we won't over-react and cry about it. Living the dream aren't they, with women like some of you around.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/02/2012 11:32

unless the OP and DP can come to a compromise then the relationship is dead.

waits for "why should she compromise"

and even if they sort this out, IMO there are deeper issues on both sides that need to be resolved.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:33

I lie to save people's feeling all the time, this doesn't make me a bad person, this means I don't actively want to hurt someone.

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 11:34

*feelings