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Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
TheParanoidAndroid · 11/02/2012 23:50

maybe you could be startlingly original and READ THE THREAD? And lo your questions will be answered.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 00:22

Op, afaic, he was being a shit for lying to you, and you were just as bad for sending that text. TBH I think you should both leave each other, and find new partners who have similar morals. Dont think you are a prude anymore that i think people who accept strip clubs are 'edgy' or 'cool'. But do think that when you have to resort to sarcastic insults its not a good sign I know how I'd react if my dp found something I did occasionally morally disrespectful, but which I didn't. I'd tell him I respect his decision but he should respect mine, but would I fuck stop doing something i enjoy because my dp didn't like it. He'd either have to accept it or leave.

tallwivglasses · 12/02/2012 00:28

Op, late on here but just want to say YOU WERE NOT JUST AS BAD for sending the text. Foolish, maybe. He lied. You reacted.

ilovebabytv: 'he'd either have to accept it or leave.' Exactly.

ilovebabytv · 12/02/2012 00:45

Just need to say that me and my dp don't see eye to eye on everything but we respect each other's differences and I would never try to 'change' my dp's view, nor he mine, or have him prioritise my moral stances over his own and vice versa. If you don't/can't love and accept your dp the way he is then I do think you need to find someone with similar moral attitudes.

BayPolar · 12/02/2012 01:33

Men who like strip clubs must be breathing a sigh of relief that there are so many understanding and 'uncontrolling' partners out there who, as long as you respect their whims, it's fine for you to do as you please, too.

Men sure do live in easy times.

But in my opinion, I could never compromise on something so seedy, be it the strip clubs (just a bit of fun, I know) or porn.

Kayano · 12/02/2012 02:03

Genuine question:

Why do some describe those who don't have an issue with strip clubs as 'edgy' and 'cool' so sarcastically as if they must be pretending?

Just wondering as I am neither edgy or cool but I couldn't care less where DH goes as long as no touching

Nb/ I have no intention of wading into thread as if I DID have an issue I would expect DH to respect that and see OP has had some great advice... But it's just the 'edgy/ cool' thing I don't quite get

Ta

Bogeyface · 12/02/2012 02:13

I think Kayano because it is a rare person (male or female) who would happily wave off their partner who was going to spend an evening watching naked members of the opposite sex, getting as sexy as a person can with no touching with a "Have a lovely time!" and genuinely not be in the slightest bit bothered!

The wife or GF that says "Oh I really dont mind!" generally says it in front of the other men and their WAGS and so appears "cool and edgy"....or desperate to be seen as such.

Kayano · 12/02/2012 02:19

I don't do that and I honestly don't mind...

Tbh it's a bit of a non issue here as DH isn't interested and the time he has gone - stag do- I was told and knew about it and he is very honest

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 06:17

I'm ignoring all posters who condone strip clubs, sorry but I don't need your advice. You're making me feel like I'm blowing this out of proportion, tell me to get grip? How dare you.

That is not my issue here, I do not want my partner going to places with naked women - end of. To me it is cheating. I dont give a shit if that makes me a prude or controlling.

Going to a strip club is not some activity like kayaking - I have to accept he does it because he's an adult? No I don't.

I woke up this morning at 5.30am with images going around in my head, disgusting images of him.

I woke up sobbing and had to sit on the toilet and cry due to the lies and images.

To me, our relationship was sacred in which we only enjoyed each others bodies - no one else's.

That has been destroyed.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 12/02/2012 06:34

Good morning jam, so sorry you had such a bad night.

You don't have to justify your stance on this at all. People saying 'strip clubs are no big deal', ' I go to strip clubs' etc etc etc have NOTHING to do with your life and your morals and what you feel comfortable with.

What is important is that you have been upset by this and now need to look forward to work out what is going to happen now. You can't undo what is done and revenge is pointless and counterproductive.
A day of cool reflection working out what you want and taking steps towards it is called for. How can we help?

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 06:53

Thank you norks. I just think it's a slippery slope, starts with porn, then strip clubs which goes hand in hand with prostitution ( which happens in strip clubs a lot i.e extras).

He came after me as he heard me crying on the toilet but I pushed him away.

I don't know how you can help, but just listening (reading) and offering a hand hold is great. Telling me views on strips clubs does not as my views will never change.

I wonder if all the posters condoning it would mind their daughters becoming strippers, since no one is forced into it and it's not such a bad job and great money as some posters said. Didn't think so.

I guess we'll have to talk today. My good friend has said to go round to hers for tea and cake today and I think I will. She has been through the exact thing, down to the lying too.

My sister was also going through crap with her DP while offering me support - found out he'd been viewing porn daily on her iPad.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 12/02/2012 07:01

Can you see any future with him at all, or do you think it is time to walk away?
Do you think this was a complete one off and he is genuinely remorseful, or do you think you have finally seen his true colours?

Whichever it is, this is all very sad, and you will probably be mourning the relationship you thought you had, with the man you thought you knew.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 07:06

That's why we need to talk, I need to know if this is a regular thing. He has obviously seen how much it's upset me. We just need to talk.

You're last sentence is spot on. Sad

OP posts:
BayPolar · 12/02/2012 07:18

Sigh. Sorry to hear about your sister and the scourge of porn revealing its ugly head in her life.
In my silly romantic eyes, love should be enough, the love of the one person you fell in love with.

If there's a need to fill precious hours looking at other bodies, be they men or women doing this, be it porn, or the live stuff like strip clubs, well, there's something wrong with the relationship.

How many hours are in each day? Not that many.

If somebody has time for porn or for going out to strip clubs, instead of time for their partner or doing something less seedy and more meaningful, then,well, their focus is not on the relationship, and certainly, if a child comes into the picture, things could get complicated.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 07:21

It's going to take a long time to get my trust back over this. How did you get it back bay?

OP posts:
BayPolar · 12/02/2012 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 12/02/2012 07:40

It sounds as if you want to stay with him. So I guess you should listen to the people who've made it work. There is probably a way of healing/moving on etc that doesn't involve you feeling that you have to agree that strip clubs are okay. It's probably about working out what you need and making it clear to him and then ensuring you get it. Good luck.

BayPolar · 12/02/2012 07:46

I'm sorry, my answer was too long and not that clear.
Sometimes other people's experiences trigger me, set me off.
Sorry.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 12/02/2012 08:22

It made sense, thanks bay and nkf

OP posts:
Garliccheesechips · 12/02/2012 09:46

OP, everyone has their tolerance levels, and it's up to you whether you can get past this. He did the wrong thing, yes. But how is the relationship generally? Is he normally loving and respectful?

If he is, then I'd think before making any swift decisions about the relationship.
If he was going to these clubs all the time it would be dreadful but if it was a one off, maybe you can move past it. Time will tell.

Good luck, and I'm sorry you've had a shitty couple of days.

MyHeartBelongsToKermit · 12/02/2012 09:58

Have been following this thread and would just like to offer my support.

I am sorry this has happened jam :(

I too would feel like my relationship was close to the end if DH did this.

It is not cool. It is not OK. It is not 'something men do'.

If a man looks at naked women, in the flesh, I believe he brings them into your relationship so it is on par with cheating.

I hope you can work this through x

PeppaIsBack · 12/02/2012 10:02

Jam,
My H has broken my trust too. Very different story but I believed we would always support each other in hard times and he wasn't there. His behaviours was also out of line albeit for different reasons.

But we are still hanging on there because he has decided to put all his efforts into it. He changed his behaviour and stopped the ones that were really upsetting for me. On the other side, I've had a good look at my own behaviour. I went to a counsellor to clarify what was acceptable for me and what was out of line and I said so very clearly. I also realized that some of my attitudes were perhaps not quite right (didn't make what he did OK by any means but it helps to establish a good relationship and to make it work, we needed both to make an effort iyswim?).

Trust has taken a long time to come back. Still not fully there tbh but our relationship seems to move and get stronger. It is based on a different basis and my hope is that we will come out stronger than we were before (because we both know that we can loose it?).

I really think that, if you do not accept strip clubs, then that's how it is. It is up to your DP to accept it or leave it. And if he really wants to change and 'make it better' he will put all his efforts into it. And you will be able to see it (not words but through his actions and behaviours). From that you could get your trust back or rather he will be able to earn your trust again.
HTH

SigmundFraud · 12/02/2012 10:10

OP, you should be very careful not to equate other people's experiences on here with your own.

I'm going to be honest with you, if I was your DP I would be using this time apart to consider whether continuing a relationship with you is really what I wanted.

Yes, he lied. No, that's not great and of course you're angry, I would be too.

However if I had a partner who ran to the bathroom sobbing, and then actually spent the night away as a reaction to this particular lie, I would find that reaction incomprehensible. Be angry, yes, state that you feel hurt, yes.
That is a normal, reasoned response. Essentially you are saying 'if I really don't agree with your behaviour, I will emotionally blackmail you'.

Everybody lies about something at some point, and sometimes they are caught out, and it's how we respond to being lied to that sets the benchmark for the future of the relationship.

TheParanoidAndroid · 12/02/2012 10:17

but what you lie about makes all the difference.

Her reactions are her own and you have no right to tell her they are wrong.

PeppaIsBack · 12/02/2012 10:18

People in distress don't have 'normal, resonnable responses' generally.

And going away isn't always a sign of emotional blackmail either. It can be just a 'I have enough, I am in such pain that I need to get away and get some emotional support'.

as for 'it's how we respond to being lied to that sets the benchmark for the future of the relationship.', I wouls say it's more 'that's how the lyer respond to been fund that sets the benchmark to the relationship'.

Seriously, if you had hurt your partner so badly that you found him sobbing in the bathroom and the he decided to spend the night with a friend to recover, yu would find that strange? And you would use that time to re evaluate the relationship? As if you had had nothing to do with the pain that you partner had and to her reactions? Strange Hmm

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