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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 11/02/2012 21:15

We've been told he admitted going there. Have we been told that he admitted paying for a dance or joining in?

notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:16

" - who are you to say he hasn't cheated?"

I was just saying that in my book (since we were talking about our books) it's not cheating. I never commented on whether you thought it was cheating or not. Did he pay for a personal dance? I probably wouldn't be happy with that myself. Probably wouldn't divorce him but I'd be pissed off.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:17

it's a very big maybe, IMO

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:17

I just got home. The first thing he asked was where had I been. Not nice wondering where someone is, is it?

He came into the bedroom just now and said he was sorry, I didn't say anything. I fear if I open my mouth I will swallow him whole.

He went next door

OP posts:
JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:17

fluffy I don't even want to ask if he had a private dance, let's just assume he did considering he was there for 4 hours.

OP posts:
notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:20

"He knows I'm steak, especially in this day and age of tarty, loose women."

WTF are you saying? Are you trying to be offensive or are you just really naive? I'm struggling here, really!

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:21

ilovesooty, to some people just the fact he stepped through the door would be enough, private dance or no private dance

I suspect it's the same for OP Sad

perhaps some women would justify it with "at least he didn't get a private dance" but I, and many women, would not

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:21

I cannot believe I'm with someone who does this. I'm actually still reeling. My sister said I'm in shock and it hasn't hit me yet.

I told him, under no circumstances do I condone these activities, it's misogynic bullshit that I won't tolerate. If thats controlling, so be it. If that makes me an uncool girlfriend, so be it. I don't care.

I don't like it, if he wants to keep doing it, find someone else. I'm worth more.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:22

Jam, I thought you were staying out tonight ?

why did you go home, love ?

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:23

anyfucker I agree, I don't care about private dances. That hadn't occurred to me until I got to my sisters.

OP posts:
notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:23

Do you know what OP? The guy's been a dick but I don't think it's a hanging offence. It's obviously up to you though and I hope you can sort it out to your satisfaction. Wink

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:24

I was going to stay at my mums, but my sister said why should you be put out sleeping on a sofa and he's all comfy when he's in the wrong? I agreed. He can fucking sleep on the sofa.

OP posts:
JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:24

Thanks fluffy

OP posts:
Doha · 11/02/2012 21:25

yes your DP has been a Dick but it is the blatent lying that would be the absolute deal breaker for me.

Eglu · 11/02/2012 21:25

Jam just found this thread. I think the problem is that he doesn't really believe he has done anything wrong. He has said sorry to you now, but what is he sorry for? Is he only sorry because you found out?

The crap about all men doing it is just that, crap. Not all men do it. He really doesn't see what the problem is, and thinks lying to you i s okay, because then you won't get upset. I feel it would be a deal breaker for me, as anything he says now is going to be difficult to see as more than just words to appease you.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:26

make sure he sleeps away from you, love

and I would have stayed away, but it's your choice x

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:26

This has changed how I see him. I thought he respected women, and me Sad

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 11/02/2012 21:26

"I cannot believe I'm with someone who does this."

As you feel this strongly about it, don't be with him.

Take this as the warning, separate the finances and go.

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:28

eglu thank you, you're right. He's not sorry, he's only sorry I found out. O never would have known if I hadn't seen that text. To those saying I snooper, i didn't. He was lying next to me when I was looking through his messages to show him mine.

I should never have messaged his friend, that was totally stupid. I should have just spoken to him.

OP posts:
notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:28

"perhaps some women would justify it with "at least he didn't get a private dance" "

I don't even see it as justifying it. I wouldn't have a problem at all if he went to a strip club occasionally, probably stag-do type situation, guys night out but the private dance makes it something else. I will accept though, that that's just me.

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 21:30

Just so you know, it is 4.5 years since he cheated on me.
In that time it has been painful, very painful.
Losing that trust.
I do trust him now though.
However, the thread that keeps us together is now made of cheap cotton, not nylon rope, and he has to be so good to me, so damn good, else I can, and will walk, run, skip, whatever away from him.

And he is being good, loving, promising me the world forever (I will join him in complete retirement soon, at the age of 43, no more work, just selfish fun till death do we part - even alone I can retire, so it's not reliant upon him) but he has had to change, he had to admit that what he did was stupid, that he only has eyes for me, else that's it, I don't need to be with a guy who is like a child, ogling others, all that bullshit about men still wanting to look at other women, so let them, yeah, let them, but let them do it without me in their life.

So if your guy, OP, is willing to change, just like my guy changed after losing my trust in him, then there is a chance.
But such change has to be true change, else you will never feel comfortable and happy with this man. And the pain is not worth it.

Sorry if I'm going on a bit here. Losing trust, which is what this is about, is a deal breaker, unless a great effort is made to fix it.

How great an effort is your guy prepared to make?

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:31

I know for a fact that no woman would happily let their guy look at naked women, they just accept it as 'something men do'. Maybe if all women stopped being so fucking pathetic and stood together and said, you know what that's not right or fair, it wouldn't happen so much or be the norm. Ridiculous.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:32

fluffy, our opinions are our own

the lines we draw are our own x

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:32

I don't know bay he's too scared to talk to me I reckon.

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 11/02/2012 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.