Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To have texted DPs friend pretending to be him?

907 replies

JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 13:48

DP got in at 5am last night, saw a text on his phone (he was there when I was looking for texts from me) from his friend saying 'strip club round the cormer' Hmm.

I outright asked him, did you go? He said no. He knows I'm very much against them. Now I'm wondering if he can lie to my face.

While he's in the shower I texted his friend pretending to be DP saying 'great night last night, how was the strip club' so his friend could potentially text back saying er you were there mate remember?

Aibu to want to know if my DP is capable of lying to my face? This troubles me more than the strip club, because then it's like, what else?

(I know tis sounds very childish btw)

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 11/02/2012 20:21

I trust my DH implicity, he works in town and I assume sees many a beautiful woman pass him by, on the train, the tube, in work, in the pub, etc etc. IF he wanted to cheat I'm sure he could!

I detest strip clubs and find them degrading, he knows that. He also knows if he wanted to visit one that would be his choice BUT if he then lied to me about it I would go ape-shit!

Our relationship is based on trust, if he broke the trust by lying to me I would find it hard to forgive him.

I would also be less than impressed if he visited one and told the truth because the man I love and married agrees with me that they are degrading, I would wonder what on earth had happened to change his opinion.

OP - I am glad you are getting some RL support and I hope you make the right choice going forward for you, whatever that may be. Good luck.

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 20:31

I have just read the entire thread.

Lots of women in it are probably as bad as their dp's.
Low moral values, 'cool and edgy' relationships.
Whatever.
I'm like jam, I have morals, and strip clubs are a deal breaker.
Lying is also a deal breaker.

Rolling eyes over such things and saying 'it's only a strip club' is also a deal breaker.

What do you think will happen when you get all fat and pregnant?
Or when you are exhausted in the first few years after giving birth?
You think this kind of man is going to be there for you?

I couldn't love and respect my man if he did this to me.
He needs to find somebody like Worral and the rest of them who don't mind their guys having this 'harmless' fun.

Uh, makes me sick to think of somebody I love ogling another woman, be it live in strip clubs, or porn on the net.

So sorry this has happened to you but feel good about yourself for having decent morals.
This does not make you controlling. It makes you real, sensitive, and sadly vulnerable, given what we have to put up these days with the low standards shown by others, for example, worral et al.

notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 20:35

"Low moral values, 'cool and edgy' relationships."

FFS, steady on. One persons moral values may differ greatly from anothers but "low"?

And the rest of your post is alarmist nonsense, if the OP didn't feel like shit already she bloody will now.

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 20:50

Overuse of the word moral.
Sorry.
I actually don't care that strip clubs exist, but I would care if my dp went to one.
I don't care that porn exists. But I would care if my dp started looking at it.
That kind of thing.
I'm not for a nanny state, nor am I for putting my values on others.
I overused the moral word.
But if offering advice over this matter, if it had happened to me, and I was ttc with this man, I'd walk away sooner, rather than later, when it gets all complicated because you now have a child.

Alarmist? How?

TheParanoidAndroid · 11/02/2012 20:55

We're all fro putting our values on others, thats how society works. We just have different things to think everyone should do or not do.

ilovesooty · 11/02/2012 20:58

One persons moral values may differ greatly from anothers

Precisely. That's why I think both parties are at fault. I don't think much of the morals of someone who goes through someone else's phone and uses it deceitfully. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Just because he's apparently been lying, it doesn't make her actions right in my book.

Malificence · 11/02/2012 20:58

What Baypolar said.
Its not alarmist nonsense, we see this kind of crap repeated time after time on here, pathetic little men who care more about what their mates think than they do about destroying the trust and respect of their partner.
That's what it boils down to.

notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:00

Because the guy fucked up, he's human, not as perfect as maybe you but he's human. He shouldn't have lied but he did it because he knew she'd be upset. What he should have done is just tell her where he'd been, and explain that while he appreciates it's not her cup of tea he doesn't agree with her and as an adult will make his own choices.

None of this indicates that he'll be running off if she gets fat or tired. It was alarmist, not helpful to make a situation the OP already sees as quite serious, worse.

TheParanoidAndroid · 11/02/2012 21:01

Generous attitude, but not one that many of us share, most importantly including the OP.

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 21:02

But in my book, going through his phone because I already suspect him of lying, is okay.
Like when I 'felt' from thousands of miles away that the man I loved had just cheated on me.
No kidding, I felt it.
So I checked a mutual email account of ours and the silly man had used it to reply to his best friend, who had just encouraged him to 'plough on in', so he did.
Whilst he admitted almost immediately that he had indeed cheated on me, it was a while before I told him how I had confirmed my freaky 7th sense suspicion.

I gave him another chance because he was so sorry, so very sorry.
He is also a rare man these days, who doesn't need porn, or strip clubs, to accessorize his life with me.

As soon as he did, that would be it for me. Over.
His choice to want to involve himself with those things.
My choice to not want to be with a person interested in those things.

notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:02

ilovesooty

I said exactly that in my first post. She's not too averse to deceit. Not throwing stones at OP, just keeping a bit of perspective.

notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:04

BayPolar

Again, not helpful to the OP. The guy didn't cheat on her. You're projecting, and the situations don't even really compare,

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 21:06

And yes, I still hate his best friend, and can't stand to be in the same room as him. Fcker.
Oops sorry.
;)

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 21:07

Going to watch other naked women is cheating in my book.
It is saying, 'I'm not totally content with what I have and I want more.'
It's pathetic and belongs on the edgy and cool relationship shelf.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:08

Bay, the blame lays with your partner, not the bloke he socialises with

Malificence · 11/02/2012 21:09

In her eyes, it was the same as cheating, as it would be in mine.
If a man knows that going into a strip club is a deal breaker for his partner
but goes anyway then lies to cover himself, it tells you exactly what sort of man he is.

kahlua4me · 11/02/2012 21:10

Bay Polar, can you please explain how going to a strip club and watching girls, not touching mind just watching and having a beer, is so much worse that actually having sex with someone?

I am confused how you can accept and forgive your dh for cheating but think going to a club is not on.

Just wondering how you think your standards are right and all others are not ....

BayPolar · 11/02/2012 21:11

AF The blame rests with both of them for being complete twats.
I don't like the BF for many reasons though.
He's got terrible table manners, for a start.
;)
Not to digress...back to OP.

notfluffyatall · 11/02/2012 21:11

"Going to watch other naked women is cheating in my book."

Like you said, that is in your book, not mine, or several other posters or probably the OP's partner.

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:11

Thank you baypolar.

Notfluffy - who are you to say he hasn't cheated? To me this is cheating. I don't give a shit how 'conservative' or controlling I look. When my partner has a naked woman girating (sp) on top of him, that is cheating.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 11/02/2012 21:12

IMO. Neither OP or her "D"P can take the moral high ground.

I hope that it gets resolved.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2012 21:13

Bay, I wouldn't like either of them either

but blaming his mate takes the heat off him, to some extent

and yes, back to OP

I hope she is ok

that is all

TheParanoidAndroid · 11/02/2012 21:14

there are different levels of deceit, that is clear. Snooping in his phone vs paying for sleazy lapdances....I know which one is worse for me.

But if two wrong don't make a right, neither does one cancel out the other, especially when she only snooped/sent text because she knew he was lying....

Original poster
JamRagRolyPoly · 11/02/2012 21:15

My brother in law said 'maybe he was led along by his friends'. I don't care, he knows that I would be horrified at him going, yet still went.

He texted me last night to say he'd be home early as he was just having a beer, that was at 9pm. I woke up at 3.30am he wasn't there, I was really worried what with the snow. All the while he was there. Rolled in at 5am.

He didn't even text me to say, I'll be home late.

I was really worried, tried calling once but I guess there isn't phone reception in those grotty places.

OP posts:
BayPolar · 11/02/2012 21:15

My standards are not 'right', they are just 'right' for me.
And like I said, yes, my guy did the worst thing he could ever have done - had sex with skanky ho - but he has certainly made up for it, and like I said, he is one in quite a few million in this day and age, he was just a stupid dumbfck for straying and he regrets it to this day.
2:3 men do it.
He's now one of those men and not proud of it.
He won't stray again.
He knows I'm steak, especially in this day and age of tarty, loose women.
;)

Going to a strip club and lying is akin to cheating.
In my eyes.
Maybe she wants to forgive her guy like I forgave mine.
Maybe her guy is as great a guy as mine is, great enough to forgive.
Maybe.