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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The honing of the twat radars - dating chat thread number 9

999 replies

lubeybooby · 08/02/2012 20:24

Thread got too big so here's a new one :o

All dating, online or otherwise in here please

Chit chat to serious stuff - off we go!

OP posts:
watchoutforthatsnail · 04/03/2012 07:52

Updating, still drunk, from my bed. I can confim the penis is huge. I can also confim, that like most guys with a huge one, hes rubbish. Lol

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 04/03/2012 08:15

oh snail i don't say much but i do read everything here and your post made me laugh this miserable sunday morning.

MyLittleMiracle · 04/03/2012 08:41

Havent heard from the chap i have been speaking to, but its not unusual for us to got two or three days without chatting. He works stupid hours, but on the up side i dont mind cos i know why and hopefully it will all be worth it in the end!

MyLittleMiracle · 04/03/2012 08:44

Plus, i am in the middle of moving (found a place a week ago) so i am very busy and need to change doctors really before i move, but also have bloods at the end of march, to check some things. Despately want my tattoo removed from my shoulder! But only the name. I didnt go through all that pain just to have scarring there!!!!!!

watchoutforthatsnail · 04/03/2012 08:45

:)
He was in bed snoring next to me when I wrote that.

Typing from phone, so forgive typos.

Was obvious from the second we saw each other we were going to shag. He looks like hes been photoshopped. His body is ridiculous. Like some kind of underwear model. The downside to this is he only eats tuna and brocoli and protein shakes. He was hungover after two rums. ( to my most of the bottle) and his hands were abit Orange from the fake tan ( not noticed until this morning)

Excellent kisser. No foreplay. Sex that hardly rocked my bed, let alone my world. All round disapointing. But the penis is huge. Like, huge!!!!!

Anyways, he Was fun company, it was an ok night, but for me that's it :)

watchoutforthatsnail · 04/03/2012 09:01

Ah bollocks, my bed and hands smell like fake tan, ffs.

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 11:25

'Excellent kisser. No foreplay. Sex that hardly rocked my bed, let alone my world.'

what a let down..I think I'd wish I hadnt bothered!

Whats the good of an impressive tool when the person wielding it is another mr sexually inept Confused

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 11:29

'ike most guys with a huge one, hes rubbish'

I have to take issue with your findings here Watch, my research has uncovered w/e men who were good in bed Grin
admittedly my data has been taken from a sample which is probably not representative of the population as a whole, I think we should collate all the figures and generate a meta survey

DatingMinefield · 04/03/2012 21:22

Perhaps that's a new one to add to The Commandments of Dating...

Thou shalt not let a man covered in fake tan into thou bed...
I wouldn't, I have nice sheets. Grin

Bad luck watch, I did lol at 'take one for the team'. Grin

adamschic · 04/03/2012 21:49

Not all men who are well endowed are bad in bed. Sometimes with sexual relationships, you need to get intimate more than once and find out what makes them tick.

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 21:58

I guess, but never again will I give a second chance to a wham-bam-thankyou-man bloke Angry

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 21:59

I mean 'thank-you-mam'

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 22:08

I could cope with kissing frogs, but having to fuck alot of frogs in order to find the odd good one is just too tiresome.
Think I'll take up running instead, an exercise high is a more reliable source of pleasure than wrestling with the sexually inept Confused

MyLittleMiracle · 04/03/2012 23:13

I am hoping to have a chat tomorrow night. Shame he wasnt online tonight or i might well have been tempted to ask if he wanted to go and see a new film out, its called "the devil inside" Not sure if its a bit weird for a first (gulp gulp) date. Think i might stick to the meeting for a couple of cokes (neither ofus drinking....it wont be a drunken mistake) and they are always better in bed when sober! I HOPE!

watchoutforthatsnail · 05/03/2012 07:32

adams - i did. Let me give you all the whole sorry run down for halarity/ education/ lessons to be learnt.

We meet in pub car park - he looks like a blonde Peter andre, this should have been the warning, but unfortunatley my uterus was taken in and screaming YES at me. He posed his way round the pub, knowing people were checking him out, flashing his teeth ( veneers, £4000 ) that matched nicely with his whiter than white t shirt. Meanwhile, my ears have blocked out his drone, mostly talking about body buikding and gym and his competations, and instead im flirting like a mother fucker. He tells me my tits looks amazing and should we get out of here. In a lust filled fug i follow him.
He makes no move on me, until i get some hair in my eye and im in a rum filled stupor. He gets a blow job on the sofa, never touching me once.... ok, that can be forgiven maybe, but the standin g up at the last momment, cumming all over my face while shouting ' eat my cum' leaves me a bit Hmm

Nevermind thinks i, and i drink more rum deciding he will make up for it later.

Which he doesnt. Sex was lame. He was too busy waving his cock in my face, complimenting himself and having his hand on himself, that he never touched me, not once, bar some sloppy oral which did nothing for me. It was all over very quickly, with the same ending as earlier.

never being one to give up and now being very frustrated, because his cock is huge and i was incrediuably unsatisfied, i go in for round 3. I go back under the covers, for about 10 mins, he does nothing, i look up and hes lying there, hand behind his head!!!!!!! i move up and try some other things, and he pushes my head back down. And then i give up and realise the only thing that gets him off is looking at himself.

Not worth it, esp since i have fake tanned stained sheets. Not worth getting to know him better and trying again, as its abundantly clear hes thw worlds most selfish lover.

My uterus was wrong, so very, very wrong.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/03/2012 08:51

Watch, sounds like you had as much fun as you could have done with a huge cock! (literally & metaphorically). At least he was a good kisser.

How did yesterday go DatingSausage? Did you still like him in normal clothes?

adamschic · 05/03/2012 09:33

Oh no it sounds really bad. Don't blame you for not wanting a rematch!

watchoutforthatsnail · 05/03/2012 09:47

haha, it was really bad. Not a case of just not working well together, more of a case of he is too in love with himself. Which i should have noticed really, but i was rather distracted by how amazing he looked, because he did look amazing, i dont think ive ever seen a body so amazing looking.

However in the day light he just looked a bit over orange. and he had to race off to get his protein shakes, eggs wouldnt do. and fit in his 6 hours at the gym in the day time... and drinking wasnt good for him, and he couldnt do this, or this or whatever... blah blah blah. he said it was a very boring lifestyle, but he likes how he looks in the mirror and that he looks better than everyone else. Hmm

I dont even fancy that type of man, i think it was just a case of being over horney.

yes DS - how did it go :)

watchoutforthatsnail · 05/03/2012 09:50

oh and also - quick red flag check for me.
im meant to have a date friday, but after speaking on the phone ( and getting on) ive thought that some of the shit he has said isnt quite right.

  • bad mouthing ex ( and mother of his child)
  • saying she called police on him, but it was lies
  • saying the csa rape him every month.
  • questioning where i was sat, asking if i ' got lucky'

ah fuck, i dont need to go on do i. even in a fwb thing, no, not a good idea.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/03/2012 09:54

Blimey Watch, definitely a well spotted no for potential date on Friday. The CSA get the bloody minimum out of Dads - so any reference to them "raping" him is a definite no no. Just the very use of the word rape in that context is so offensive - I'd want to slap him.

watchoutforthatsnail · 05/03/2012 10:02

yeah, i know. After that, and then telling me he was jealous i was going out without him, and then sending several texts while i was out, then the next day wanting to know what time i had got home, and if i had been alone..... bearing in mind thats noone of his business and we havent even met and would be a shit thing to say even if we had.... no, block and delete and forget about.

lovesineffable · 05/03/2012 10:26

ugh, the body builder is VILE, clearly thinks he's gods gift to women who should consider themselves lucky to 'worship' him

the other guy sounds like he has a chaotic drama filled life!

Snapespeare · 05/03/2012 10:28

watch eat. my. cum.

good. grief. I hope you have given your uterus a very stern talking to. As for the other one, checking up on where you are, if you were alone etc etc CSA = 'rape' Hmm

what is wrong with these people!

no word from mr distraction. his loss. next. ( I decided the 'next' bit late last week, but I am reiterating it...)

Got a message from a male escort on OKC (will actually respond to him, he sounds interesting, absolutely no way I would go there, am not quite at the level of paying for it yet...)

was meant to go out with PM at the weekend, but he has novovirus. dropped off carrier bag of chicken soup, paracetomol, anti diarrhea tabs (romantic!) & lucozade, because I am a good friend and have no ulterior motive at alllll, oh no. Hmm

lovesineffable · 05/03/2012 10:36

'male escort'??
hahahahahaha
wtf
seriously dont believe a word of it, there is no market for men who offer sexual services to women in return for money, the only money a male escort will make is from providing sexual services to men.
Trust me Snape, he is a bullshitter

watchoutforthatsnail · 05/03/2012 10:39

i have indeed. I dont quite know what came over me. Well, i do.
yeah it was all a bit ' worship at the alter that is my cock and body'
not good, not good at all. luckily i can see the funny side of it.

i have to say, im shocked mr distraction hasnt been in contact, and above all else, its just fucking rude to not have the balls to say ' thanks but no thanks' or something along those lines.. just a bit of human decency, you know.

hope pm gets better soon, you are an awesome friend, you know.