Please - what do I do???

[Lynnlost]

I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice .....

We've been married 32 years, and though I've always believed in faithfulness and the importance of loyalty, it clearly means a lot less to my husband. Some examples are:

I've often overheard other people saying things like "she seems nice - not at all like he makes out"
He constantly put his his job above the family - even when our son was ill, his hospital visits were overshadowed by worry over my husband's bosses' objection to the absence
When he lost that job five years ago, all the discussions about it were with another female friend, never at home, though even that friend remarked that I supported him to the hilt when it all came out.
He schemed with his family to prevent me joining discussions about a home we'd hoped to build on their land back in 2003; when I found out and asked for an open discussion about this, he once again went behind my back to say it wouldn't be going ahead, blaming me for it all
He's even been kind enough (?!!) to tell me who he'd move onto if anything should happen to me

I finally found out last November that he was having cyber sex with some girl in the far east - also he visited prostitutes locally. Even then he lied, denying various aspects until I showed I could prove each one. He claims he did it for attention and excitement and said I provided neither, even though nothing had been said to me, and the things we do (holidays, seeing friends, etc) are nearly always organised by me with him doing almost nothing. He was upset to be found out but not in any way remorseful, and clearly expects me to just forget about the whole thing

That's now 3 months ago, and I still don't know where to turn. He's also been ill a couple of times over the last year and is currently out of action again, so I feel I've got to be the good little wife even more now - but for heaven's sake, do I have to be put at the bottom of the pile for ever??!!! I'm frightened of leaving my home and starting again alone, but really don't see how I can possibly trust him - it's also getting harder by the day even to respect him. I did my crying alone as he doesn't like scenes, but now I just feel numb. I really want to rebuild things, but he's not comfortable talking about anything personal and now I simply feel as if I'm waiting for the next betrayal.

What on earth do I do????

Lynn I am a lurker here mostly but phone the doctors back and book the MRI scan. You are not being punished and you can have a better life.

Oh Lynn :( Your new, free, fabulous life is about to begin - don't talk about it being over! Please please please book the scan straightaway.

Have you told your husband about it?

Book your scan straight away, dont be daft!

Have you told your husband about it?

You have to be joking!! I really don't want him involved, at least unless, and if, it becomes necessary

Good - I was just checking, not suggesting you do tell him!! It doesn't sound like he would be remotely sympathetic or useful. You really need to forget about him and look after yourself now. Book the scan, book it book it book it!!

Why don't you want the scan?

Hopkin - Firstly because it's another load of unpleasantness on top of all the rest. Also it never stops with just a scan - it's "oh, you need a biopsy", then "oh, you need an small exploratory op", then "oh, we'd better remove it"
Anyway, I honestly don't believe it's cancer - as I said, a lump was found years ago, and if it had been it would have finished me by now. However, if it was, at least that would provide an exit route; I wouldn't have to struggle any more and would finally get some peace

Could you be pregnant?

Go for the MRI scan ASAP. Whether or not you stay with DH, you need to look after your health. Perhaps it is a polyp. Perhaps the nurse was just mistaken. Get it checked out and put your mind at rest or at least find out what you are facing. Nothing is as bad as the unknown. So sorry you are going through this and can't even share it with your husband .

I am afraid your husband does sound awful and it is difficult to see that the two of you have a future but I sympathise about knowing that in the abstract and taking concrete steps in the here and now. A solicitor is a wise first step.

Good luck

Lynn did you book your scan, or are you having another wobble (it's OK if you are) >.

Life isn't against you. It's just testing you a bit at the moment. Come on now, talk to us a bit about your new life - what do you really really want to do? Go shopping in New York, cruise the Med, go hiking in the Andes? What it is it? Do you have a wild crazy dream that you can focus on?

My friend, by the way, had the usual recovery time for a hysterectomy, and hasn't looked back. She even went skydiving afterwards. That could be you. :)

1Aw Lynn - you are doing brilliantly - byt youmust not neglect your health. Go for that scan and whatever comes after it. I'm rather older than you and a widow - and I do regret not being more 'careful' with my health.

But apart from that, your health will improve incredibly as soon as you permanentaly lose that tosser of a husband of yours!

Really I have seen it so much - lovely ladies married to tossers, who actually take on a new lease of life when the tosser is no longer there. One such person is the mother of a friend, who's bullying, controlling, horrible husband died a few months ago. This lady, aged 83! - is now going on holidays, out for lunch, helping out at the local charity! So that would be 50 years of wasted life with a horrible man!

Don't waver - you are going to have a much happier life without the tosser. But, i would havbe to say, he wont be happy - and will try his best to make sure he spoils your happy life. Answer is = just don't engagewith him.

you must go get it checked out.

i know it seems like yet another crisis to deal with but in a strange way it might help you clarify your situation. time is precious and you have to make the most of it.

Please get it checked out.

Thinking about you. Hope you're alright.

Been lurking and also thinking of you.

I've been thinking of you too, and hope that you got through your weekend OK. Please post again Lynnlost, and let us know if you're OK or need some encouragement. And PLEASE tell us you've made that appointment.

Sorry, OH's only just gone out and has been hovering around when I use the computer - even I can see that my attitude has changed towards him and he seems very suspicious and uncertain - tough!!!!

Well, I went to the solicitor's, and it seems I can just about survive financially on my own - obviously there will be less money than now, but then this isn't a life. I've now got to start trawling the house sites and looking into the possibilities, and of course there's still more paperwork to get together and so on

I also spoke to my GP again and asked him straight if there was any real chance of this lump being cancerous. As expected he remarked that since it's 5 years since it was found, this is extremely unlikely. He obviously still wanted me to get a scan, but since I have no symptoms, discomfort or anything else I've decided against being mauled around by the hospital at such a time; maybe not a perfect decision, but I'm comfortable with it, at least for now

that's good news then. it seems you are near to your freedom

do you have a plan?

Lynn please make sure you log out of MN and clear your history and delete cookies, just in case he decides to snoop on you and finds out what you are doing.

That sounds very positive, I'm glad you're keeping on. And it's a good idea to clear history etc as ljgibbs says, if he's suspicious.

A huge "thanks" for the idea about clearing the history on the PC - I've started doing exactly that, then caught him searching through it only last night!!! As I said, clearly he's twigged that something's up .....

No, Warthog, I can't claim to have "a plan" as such, but suggestions are always welcome. For now, the solicitors are awaiting info on his pension which has to come from the local authority, and I'mm getting more details together at home

I actually feel a bit weird at the moment, in that I'm aware I feel much happier when he goes out to work - I keep thinking this is how I can be when I finally get my own space :-) Somehow, things which once really upset me don't seem to matter so much any more - maybe I'm getting prepared in my mind

Whatever happened to the couple we used to be .....???

Hey , I'm glad you're getting a whiff of freedom, a taste of what life could be like.

sounds good

i guess you could start thinking about how you'll live and support yourself, where you'd like to live, what you want to do with the rest of your life.

then having given that some thought you can start to work on the steps to get there.

yes, i do think you need to start being very careful around him. you don't want him to scupper your plans.

is there anyone in rl you can talk to?

The bits about where and how I'll live are a work in progress, Warthog. What exactly I'll be doing is a bit more uncertain as I'm not able to work at the moment through severe depression; I'm hoping that will be improved as I work my way through this mess!!

I don't really have anyone to discuss this with in RL - no family and most of our friends are mutual ones; it can be hard to find someone to trust sometimes ....

This just confirms I'm doing the right thing in preparing my exit !!!!!!!!!!

STBX is out today, so I tried to check his Facebook and email accounts to see if there were any further messages for me to add to my "divorce file" ... yes, I've actually managed to get that organised!!

Turns out he's changed ALL of his passwords - and there's also a new Hotmail account on there which obviously I can't access either. I can't honestly say I'm surprised, but guess I did think there just might have been some truth in his insistence that there was no longer anything I wouldn't like to see on them ... guess I was a fool for ever trusting him before, eh???!!!!!