Please - what do I do???

[Lynnlost]

I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice .....

We've been married 32 years, and though I've always believed in faithfulness and the importance of loyalty, it clearly means a lot less to my husband. Some examples are:

I've often overheard other people saying things like "she seems nice - not at all like he makes out"
He constantly put his his job above the family - even when our son was ill, his hospital visits were overshadowed by worry over my husband's bosses' objection to the absence
When he lost that job five years ago, all the discussions about it were with another female friend, never at home, though even that friend remarked that I supported him to the hilt when it all came out.
He schemed with his family to prevent me joining discussions about a home we'd hoped to build on their land back in 2003; when I found out and asked for an open discussion about this, he once again went behind my back to say it wouldn't be going ahead, blaming me for it all
He's even been kind enough (?!!) to tell me who he'd move onto if anything should happen to me

I finally found out last November that he was having cyber sex with some girl in the far east - also he visited prostitutes locally. Even then he lied, denying various aspects until I showed I could prove each one. He claims he did it for attention and excitement and said I provided neither, even though nothing had been said to me, and the things we do (holidays, seeing friends, etc) are nearly always organised by me with him doing almost nothing. He was upset to be found out but not in any way remorseful, and clearly expects me to just forget about the whole thing

That's now 3 months ago, and I still don't know where to turn. He's also been ill a couple of times over the last year and is currently out of action again, so I feel I've got to be the good little wife even more now - but for heaven's sake, do I have to be put at the bottom of the pile for ever??!!! I'm frightened of leaving my home and starting again alone, but really don't see how I can possibly trust him - it's also getting harder by the day even to respect him. I did my crying alone as he doesn't like scenes, but now I just feel numb. I really want to rebuild things, but he's not comfortable talking about anything personal and now I simply feel as if I'm waiting for the next betrayal.

What on earth do I do????

OP, your time would be better spent booking a counsellor to talk through the reasons why you would settle for so little, and want to live with a man who hates you

No, I wouldn't call myself a feminist - just an ordinary sort of woman who may have wasted her life on the wrong man.

For what it's worth, he says he didn't have actual sex with the prostitutes - "just hand jobs" in his own words. And no, I don't really believe him, though obviously I can't prove it ... he lied about so much else at the time that I don't see how I can trust him on this, either

What the hell does it matter what sort of sex he bought from women who wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole if they weren't getting paid?
That's not the point, is it? Men who do this hate women. They think that women are worth nothing more than their sexuality. They like to have power and control over women, to dictate terms.

I honestly don't know how any woman who actually cares about other women could stay with a man who is like this. What an awful role model he must have been to your children. How have they been affected by having this man in their lives all these years, I wonder?

The chances he will change into a loving faithful man you can have a good marriage with are zero.

He has no respect for you and isn't going to suddenly develop it - he doesn't think your feelings are worth listening to, for a start. He slags you off behind your back. He cheats on you.

Your options are: stay with him for more of the same (as he sees absolutely no reason to change and doesn't even let you express your feelings about the hurt he has caused you) or leave and make a new life for yourself.

You have one life.

He doesn't see women as human beings, just useful for sex.

I would leave him. You should be well taken care of if you get a good solicitor. Don't spend anymore money on him either. Spend it on yourself. Let one of his prostitutes wipe his brow.

Good luck - it won't be easy after 30 years but we all have our breaking points.

Just hand jobs??

TBH if my dh has a hand job from me I still consider it sex

He has had sex with prostitutes and he doesn't care that you know.

You both do have something in common - you both seem prepared to do (in his case) or put up with (in your case) almost anything, rather than say 'I want a different life' and end it. You will not be struck down by a thunderbolt if you do end your marriage.

What was wrong with how your parents handled their divorce? How could you do it better?

" My father was like this, too - I spent most of my younger years trying to earn some praise which never came, and I guess I'm doing the same now"

Yes, that is exactly what you are doing now. Wasting your life on some bloke who does not deserve the time of day let alone yourself. It is no unfortunately real surprise either that you went onto marry someone like your H as a result, your Dad also let you down abjectly as a child. Your H is the sort of man who detests women and uses them to his advantage for power and control purposes.

No trust - no relationship. Your H has never been and will never be interested in the notion of a "proper marriage".

Love, please listen to us

Just because you have spent so many years with this man does not mean you have to stay

You will have had some good times, and you have your children from the marriage, so it is not all a waste

However, throwing away the next 30 years on a man like this is the wrong thing to do no matter what has gone before

Women terminate long marriages like this every day of the week

you won't be the first, and you will certainly not be the last

No, my parents didn't get divorced - my mum was a loyal type who stuck by him until she died 11 years ago. Our son has learning difficulties and has a supported living flat, so luckily wouldn't really be affected that much if we go our separate ways.
Please do try to understand, though - it's not that I don't want to improve my own situation, it's just so damned difficult after all these years. 32 years is a long time and I'm frightened of making another mistake, then looking back later and wishing I'd done things differently .....

it woudn't be a mistake to leave this man

it would be a blessed release

I don't honestly believe you will look back and think 'god I wish I'd stayed with this man who treated me like the shit on his shoe'.

Wow. Just wow.

Firstly:

'What I really want is to find a way to have a proper marriage with him and to have some love and respect'

• you cannot achieve that with a piece of excrement shaped like a man... which is what this creature is. He is utterly disgusting in every way, and I can guarantee you that even if he completely turned over a 'new leaf' right now I don't think that a woman like you could ever truly feel anything but her flesh crawling at the thought of wasting even more time with this crapbag.

Secondly, you CAN move on. You started your own business, which was successful? That's a brilliant sign. Ok, not the best time to do this kind of thing now, but I suggest you first put that evidently good brain towards working out how you will support yourself and what you can move on to once you are able to ditch him. Start squirrelling away any money you can, by fair means or foul, TODAY.

Thirdly, see a solicitor. You have evidence of his use of prostitutes: you can divorce him. Find out what the split of assets could be. Get a GOOD solicitor on a recommendation if you can, and do your best to wipe the floor with him.

Finally, be hopeful for the future and also stop listening to a word he says about you. He clearly likes to hurt and demean you - I suppose it's one of hte only ways he can deflect his mind from and also excuse his own behaviour. Stop listening: his words are worthless. They're also probably designed to STOP you leaving. Oh yes! I can assure you that at some level this worm KNOWS full well that if you went, he'd be alone and lonely. For all his sneering self-confidence, he knows he's a worthless piece of shit. You, on the other hand, know the meanings of fidelity, loyalty, kindness, and hard work. Take those qualities elsewhere and he'd be on his arse. Poor him, eh? No, I don't think so. You've wasted enough time already, don't waste a second more. You have YEARS ahead of you. Years and years. And they can be fabulous ones.

Now pick up the yellow pages and start looking for solicitors...

Sure, it is very hard to make these big decisions.

Your thread title sounded as if you are scouting round looking for possible solutions you haven't thought of.

I must say that my mother didn't leave my father, he left her (after 34 years). But the day after he finally left, she woke up and says she thought 'oh, I feel happy' for the first time in years.

TBH she wishes she had done something about it, spoken up for herself, left him or whatever, years before. They had at least 15 years of truly horrible times.

I don't think its that easy either, I fully understand what you feel there.

Why not park that idea for a while and mull it over in your own time? And meanwhile get a few more stories off your chest, I expect that will help.

Are you alright today? Is he there in the house with you?

So sorry if the title gave the wrong impression ....
.... and glad to say I've got another tab open on the screen, looking through local solicitors right now. At least I can get an idea where I stand, though the whole idea of the future fills me with dread at the moment. So much of the world is couples and I can't imagine myself on my own right now

You are obviously a talented and independent woman - you built your own business from nothing.

You do not need to let yourself be defined by your husband, or by your role as a wife and mother.

Leave (or get him to leave) and enjoy finding out who you are. You will be fine. Honestly.

Yes, something2say, he's here watching the rugby ... he had an eye operation on Thursday and has to lie on one side for a week, so no chance of him moving far!!
You fancy a laugh? How about this being the guy who bawls out - and I do mean SHOUTS AT - shop staff if they try to charge him for a carrier bag? Or walks for ages out of his way if there's a pedestrianised area, to stop any chance of someone driving up there? Apparently it's important that he puts them right, as "someone has to say it"!!!! Sorry - I shouldn't be mean - we all have our silly little ways, I guess :-)

I'm so glad you're looking at solicitors.

Being on your own sounds scary, but then, your life with him is full of pain. Wouldn't it be nice to be without the stress and agony of it all?

There are more singles out there in a similar position than you probably realise.

Yes, it would be quite something to not be stressed over him any more - I have terribly shaky hands with it all, and he does nothing but mock that, too

Lynn, get to a solicitor pronto and you can suss out your options and a probable outcome for WHEN you get away from this person.

YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL SOOO FREEEE! WHEN YOU ARE NOT WITH HIM!

Good luck and enjoy your free, hassle free life when you are away from this horrid, draining piece of crap. x

"I have terribly shaky hands with it all, and he does nothing but mock that, too"

He's thoroughly nasty .

Of course it's scary after 32 years but you've still got plenty of good time ahead of you and you really owe it to yourself now to have some quality life! You sound pretty strong and brave to me - even if you are putting it on! - dig deep because it's really in there somewhere. This man does not like you and I can't think of anything that is going to change that. He might increasingly need you but that's not the same and it's not good enough.
Stay strong, move on. Good luck.

Lynn he sounds like an angry man always looking for a fight.....

Any more stories? That one was not petty, it was telling.....

You say he endlessly criticises you, maybe it's due to his own issues and you're just there..... Do think about that, the fact that its definitely not you, if he is walking down the street looking for arguments and to put people right....

Yes, that's largely why he lost his job, too; he thought he could tell his bosses how things should be done. To be fair, he had a point on many occasions, but it's the way he puts it ... instead of having a friendly if pointed discussion, his bottom lip goes out, his top lip curls and petulance rules the day ... oh, dear!!