Please - what do I do???

[Lynnlost]

I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice .....

We've been married 32 years, and though I've always believed in faithfulness and the importance of loyalty, it clearly means a lot less to my husband. Some examples are:

I've often overheard other people saying things like "she seems nice - not at all like he makes out"
He constantly put his his job above the family - even when our son was ill, his hospital visits were overshadowed by worry over my husband's bosses' objection to the absence
When he lost that job five years ago, all the discussions about it were with another female friend, never at home, though even that friend remarked that I supported him to the hilt when it all came out.
He schemed with his family to prevent me joining discussions about a home we'd hoped to build on their land back in 2003; when I found out and asked for an open discussion about this, he once again went behind my back to say it wouldn't be going ahead, blaming me for it all
He's even been kind enough (?!!) to tell me who he'd move onto if anything should happen to me

I finally found out last November that he was having cyber sex with some girl in the far east - also he visited prostitutes locally. Even then he lied, denying various aspects until I showed I could prove each one. He claims he did it for attention and excitement and said I provided neither, even though nothing had been said to me, and the things we do (holidays, seeing friends, etc) are nearly always organised by me with him doing almost nothing. He was upset to be found out but not in any way remorseful, and clearly expects me to just forget about the whole thing

That's now 3 months ago, and I still don't know where to turn. He's also been ill a couple of times over the last year and is currently out of action again, so I feel I've got to be the good little wife even more now - but for heaven's sake, do I have to be put at the bottom of the pile for ever??!!! I'm frightened of leaving my home and starting again alone, but really don't see how I can possibly trust him - it's also getting harder by the day even to respect him. I did my crying alone as he doesn't like scenes, but now I just feel numb. I really want to rebuild things, but he's not comfortable talking about anything personal and now I simply feel as if I'm waiting for the next betrayal.

What on earth do I do????

Leave him. You are worth so much more than that POS

lynn, you sound lovely and worth so much more than this horrible man

he's just a man

he isn't some higher being, at least not outside of his own stupid head

arrogance is not strength, it is weakness and a deep down feeling of inadequacy

this is an inadequate man

... arrogance is not strength, it is weakness and a deep down feeling of inadequacy - this is an inadequate man

You couldn't be more correct!! And maybe this is part of the problem - I've picked the pieces up for him for so long that it's almost become a habit. Needless to say he's all sweetness and light when having something done for him - it's when he doesn't need me for anything, or worse still if I ask something for myself that the nastiness really shows. Oddly enough he's fine with other people asking him to do things, but I'm told this is my fault too, as I don't appreciate him enough ......

lynn, he isn't good enough for you

he is a taker, and a user and he gives nothing back

he is one great big vacuum, sucking in your good nature and your fear of being alone

he is a black hole of a man, in his head is whirling vortex of inadequacy and hate of himself

it isn't yourjob to fix him, nor look after him

he is a grown man, who has made his own choices

now listen to the women on this thread

many of those choices he has made would have been a deal breaker

they should have been a deal breaker for you because you are worth more

but, no matter

it isn't too late for you to decide that you deserve more than this...it's never too late

you are not dead yet, not by a long, long way x

He uses prostitutes
That's it
He's gone

Enjoy the rest of your life, OP

Julia, we are all saying that

but for some reason OP is hardly reacting to his use of prostitutes

for me, that would be instant dismissal, no questions asked, fuck off out of my life forever

but for some reason, Op is rationalising it

I don't understand it either

but we have to work with it, for OP

Just got rid of a blasted visitor ....
TBH, it's not the fact that they're prostitutes which upsets me; it's more about the betrayal involved. Let's face it, these people don't give a stuff for him - only his money. On the other hand, his scheming with his parents involved being rejected by a family I thought I was a part of - for me, that was far worse than a hand job with a hooker.
Even during the cyber sex sessions, amongst the hundreds of texts he'd sent were plenty tearing into me - and that's just the ones I found ....
Maybe this doesn't make any sense, but it's honestly the emotional hurt - especially on top of all the rest - which gets to me most of all

'these people' are human beings.

Women just like you or any of us.

Of course they don't give a stuff for your husband. Why would they have any positive feelings towards a disgusting misogynist like him?

love, I am sorry

we don't mean to put words in your mouth

we are just musing what would be our deal breaker, which may not be the same as yours

I think the point is...there are several deal breakers displayed by him here

so you, take your pick

not to be flippant, but really...he's just a man that has proved to be not worthy of you, whatever your personal tipping point is

I concur with Windsor.
You're mad to stay with this 'man'.
If you do, doh.

You deserve so much better than this Lynn. You owe this 'man' nothing. Value yourself, leave him.

How about counselling for you. Talking to someone removed from the situation could help you to decide what and how you want to move forward. Spill your guts to a total stranger who won't judge, doesn't know your husband, relations or friends.
A solicitor can help you with the practical side of ending the relationship (if this is what you want), but ultimately they are there to maximise your settlement.
Don't be frightened to explain everything to your friends. Those that rally round will proberbly be more aware of the situation than you think. Those that don't - not really friends.
I hope everything goes well for you.

I can understand that the physical betrayal feels less important than the emotional tbh. Not sure I can articulate why though! However, I do think you need a boost OP, maybe through counselling, to give you the strength to see this situation as it really is. He is inadequate and you aren't. You are a coper and I think he not only sees that, he fears it.

Yes, I really appreciate all the suggestions which have been made about counselling, and am looking into it now ...
It's also true that he - and most others - see me as a "coper", which is probably why I have to sort out everything around our home and family, be it the bills, appointments, personal stuff or anything else. Frankly I'm extremely tired of having to carry all this, and am already making plans to shed at least some of it
Maybe it's revealing that when he was asked recently if I was good at something-or-other, he remarked "she's good at bloody everything!!" It's not true - there are endless things I can't do - but the thing which upset me is the really bitter way he said it; it might have been nicer if he'd sounded proud instead of resentful!!

He resents you and wants to crush you down because he knows deep down he's inadequate and a shit. He buoys himself up by dragging you down. He's just horrid.

He sounds resentful because he feels jealous and inadequate compared to you. He is well aware that you are the better person in your relationship and he doesn't deserve you. You can shed a lot more than your household responsibility and you will feel a lot better for it too

Lynn, your husband is horrible. Just horrible. Your choice is do you spend another 30 odd years with him, or do you strike out on your own? Amongst the many deal-breakers, things I just couldn't live with, is the fact that he doesn't like you. I can understand that's very upsetting to you, and why the betrayal hurt so much, but he devalues you (to this family), he says nasty things about you to your friends, and sends hundreds of text disparaging you to women who he is paying to have sex with him.

Honestly, what is it going to take for you to get out of this living nightmare?

I think you are worried that the neighbours and friends you have built up over the years will think there's something wrong with you and you will feel like a failure. In fact, they are (if they get any hint of his behaviour) more likely to wonder why you put up with it for so many years.

Have you got a good friend you could talk with? Could you tell a counsellor this stuff? I think once you start articulating this stuff out loud, you will see what an awful husband he is and start making a bid for freedom.

It's not worry about the neighbours' and friends' attitudes that's kept me here so far - just concern about keeping myself and another home with absolutely no-one to fall back on, however inadequate. Everyone's quite right about finding a counsellor, and I'm onto that right now.
It's genuinely not easy to strike out on your own after so long, but only too easy to put up with each individual bit of abuse - forgetting that all of it together just wipes you out in the end, as it's done to me.
I can see this, and WILL get beyond it in the end - it's just that I know I need help to do it, which is why I'm so grateful to everyone who replies ...

Lynn, I don't post much but your story really got to me. You are so much more able to cope alone than you think you are, believe me. Just think of the relief of only having to deal with your own life. Of not having to consult this selfish mean-minded petty tyrant over anything ever again. You can do it, you can! Get yourself a really good solicitor, get rid of the millstone round your neck, and enjoy the rest of your life. It is understandable that you're scared to make the change; it's a big thing to face. But so worth it. I'm older than you, I think, and have lived alone for many years, and I wouldn't give up my freedom for anything. Don't think of it as losing your marriage, think of it as regaining your independence and self-respect.

You sound like you have mentally come to your conclusion. You are well aware that your marriage is dead in the water and you do come across as being able to make a go of things more than adequately by yourself.
See a solicitor, start some counselling and your strength will build. There's always MN when times are tough! You can do this, it will feel like a weight has been lifted. You can be 'you' again.

I second what laz said

Please can someone help me to get my head around this - he's trapped me yet again!!!!!!!!

After all the awful years - and largely as a result of the kind help you've all given - I've got an appointment with a solicitor this week and am half way to sorting a counsellor to look at the idea of a life on my own

I mentioned before that OH had an eye op recently, and at his check up today they said it hadn't worked and he needed more work immediately. That's been done and he's now having to lie flat for another week in a lot of pain, not knowing what the outcome will be or even if he'll eventually lose his sight. He just wants comforting right now, and yet I know that once this is over, it will be the same old contempt for me all over again

I'm obviously worried for him - no-one deserves to have this happen - but yet again I don't know what to do for myself. If I say anything now about leaving I'll sound such a bitch with him being so "down", but being here is driving me literally insane, torn first one way then another. It's got to the point where I want to go out in this cold weather and find somewhere to fall asleep painlessly and for ever with hypothermia, and not have to face this any more

No matter what I do something else goes off which traps me, and just when I try to do something for myself it all blows up in my face again. Is there any way out of this or should I just give up?

Oh Lynn, there is never going to be a good time to leave him! Continue to make your plans, get copies of as many financial records as you can get your hands on, and plan your life without him.

He has brought this on himself, he doesn't deserve your pity or your loyalty.

You deserve a happy life, and you will be far happier without this creature in your life.

It's called codependency. That's why you don't feel comfortable/feel like you can leave him in this position. I suffer from it too. I want to leave my husband so badly but I'm afraid he will do himself in, won't be able to afford medical care, etc... since I'm the one with the job and medical insurance. He's disabled and bipolar and passive aggressive and emotionally abusive.

Do what I'm doing while you organize yourself to leave. See a counselor and work on codependency. Take a picture of everything of value that belongs to the marriage. Write down all assets, find all financial documents, print off all incriminating emails, texts etc to prove the cheating. Copy any needed files off the computers. Start a journal/diary listing out all the things he has done to you over the years. Start detaching. Make a friend that is not a mutual friend. Start looking at places to stay in case you need to leave. Make a budget and determine what you have to have to live on. Possibly get things appraised so you know their value and aren't tricked into believing they are worth less.

Anything that is personal to you like pictures, books, old letters, mementos, inherited items - move into a safe place like a rented storage room somewhere. So that you know when the shit hits the fan, he can't take out any anger on anything you hold dear.