Please - what do I do???

[Lynnlost]

I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice .....

We've been married 32 years, and though I've always believed in faithfulness and the importance of loyalty, it clearly means a lot less to my husband. Some examples are:

I've often overheard other people saying things like "she seems nice - not at all like he makes out"
He constantly put his his job above the family - even when our son was ill, his hospital visits were overshadowed by worry over my husband's bosses' objection to the absence
When he lost that job five years ago, all the discussions about it were with another female friend, never at home, though even that friend remarked that I supported him to the hilt when it all came out.
He schemed with his family to prevent me joining discussions about a home we'd hoped to build on their land back in 2003; when I found out and asked for an open discussion about this, he once again went behind my back to say it wouldn't be going ahead, blaming me for it all
He's even been kind enough (?!!) to tell me who he'd move onto if anything should happen to me

I finally found out last November that he was having cyber sex with some girl in the far east - also he visited prostitutes locally. Even then he lied, denying various aspects until I showed I could prove each one. He claims he did it for attention and excitement and said I provided neither, even though nothing had been said to me, and the things we do (holidays, seeing friends, etc) are nearly always organised by me with him doing almost nothing. He was upset to be found out but not in any way remorseful, and clearly expects me to just forget about the whole thing

That's now 3 months ago, and I still don't know where to turn. He's also been ill a couple of times over the last year and is currently out of action again, so I feel I've got to be the good little wife even more now - but for heaven's sake, do I have to be put at the bottom of the pile for ever??!!! I'm frightened of leaving my home and starting again alone, but really don't see how I can possibly trust him - it's also getting harder by the day even to respect him. I did my crying alone as he doesn't like scenes, but now I just feel numb. I really want to rebuild things, but he's not comfortable talking about anything personal and now I simply feel as if I'm waiting for the next betrayal.

What on earth do I do????

Best remove that phone out of reach ....

Great idea, but it's kept carefully in his pocket out of reach, so short of knocking him on the head and grabbing it ....??!!! It doesn't matter any more, anyway :-)
And yes, he's able to read but is not supposed to - it was retinal surgery, which is why he has to lie flat and not move the eye too much for another week

So he can't moan you are starving him etc ....

You'd be surprised - this man can moan about ANYTHING, if it means an opportunity to put me down!! Still, as I said, it doesn't matter any more - if anyone's going to be upset in the future, it can be him for a change :-)

Attagirl .

There's a future out there for you without being constantly slagged off and whinged at.

I agree

attagirl !

it doesn't matter what he says

because he talks shit

I don't damn well believe this - some "up there" definitely doesn't like me ...

I've just heard that the sdolicitor I was seeing tomorrow has been signed off sick for this week!!! I could see another one on Thursday, but the first was recommended to me and sounds really helpful and easy to talk to, which I'll need

Sorry to moan, but I'm just so fed up; no sooner do I sort something for myself and it all comes crashing down again. In the meantime, he's still lying flat as required by the hospital before his check-up on Friday. Half of me couldn't care less what happens and the other half dreads yet more bad news - I'm honestly doing my very best to switch off 32 years of caring, and most of the time I'm succeeding, then something like this knocks me off balance yet again

Sod it, sod it, SOD IT!!!!!! As I said, sorry to go on - I just need to have a rant, I guess!!!

Okay, after the bad news earlier I've been re-reading through the record of his cyber sex last autumn - reminding myself of exactly what he's done helps to keep me strong minded and determined to see this through, and besides I may need it for when I eventually get to see this blasted solicitor

I found something I'd missed before - just before they went into the really dirty stuff, there was a message from him saying "god, I miss our cyber sex ..." In other words, despite him swearing that it was just the one time, it looks as if they'd done it before. In view of all the other lies he told I'm not surprised, but what I need advice on is: do I tell him I've discovered this too? Part of me wants to hit out at him over it, and the rest thinks what's the point ... I really didn't need this today as well. Please, what does anyone else think??

What you should be aiming for now is total emotional detachment. If you bring this up with him you are effectively opening yourself up emotionally to him again, and to him hurting you more. That is what you need to avoid.

DON'T ENGAGE!

You've already established he's not an honest person. If you're trying to get him to accept that, you're setting yourself up for more heartache.

Use this information for yourself to prove to you that you're doing the right thing getting away.

Don't engage with him

At all

You're right

He's wrong

Now concentrate on getting out of there and that wonderful life of freedom that's waiting for you.

It may be the tip of an ice-berg - there may be a lot you don't know about. I think it's probably good to know and remind yourself of why you need to keep on track (although painful). I'm not sure confronting him about each thing you realise will be useful - won't he just dismiss and sneer?

I know, Kodachrome, that's exactly how I felt about it ... there's undoubtably a lot more behind this, and I don't see why the lies would stop now; I just wanted to ask if others though I was doing the right thing in not mentioning it.
And yes, I actually hate re-reading that sex session, but with this wretched solicitor's meeting being delayed I've got to guard against feeling any sympathy for him in his present state - and that helps, odd as it might seem!!

I'm really so sorry about this, but I'm just having a wobbly evening ...
I fully realise I can't afford to give a stuff over this, but OH has his eye check first thing on Friday to find out if his op worked or not. I'm trying soooo hard not to worry, but half of me still finds it difficult to let go of all the caring I did and it's really making me "wobble" over what I know I've got to do. At least I've re-organised the solicitor's appointment for next Monday, so I can look forward to something positive in the middle of all this
I'm just feeling really shaky tonight and wondered if anyone's there to give me an "internet hand-hold" ???

Hi there, I'm here.

Hold onto the appointment and think about an old age spending wiping this bitter man's arse for him. He's not going to be a sweet old man, is he? Haven't you given him enough of your life and care?

You're bound to have doubts and fears, but do you really want to stick with what you know when it'll be more of the same disrespect, bad-mouthing and assholery.

There should have been a question mark at the end of that.

Lynn I've just read through your post and you sound like an amazing woman who's got herself trapped in a suffocating marriage. I'm here for you tonight (and any other time) because I want you to know that you CAN leave this arsehole.

Your new life is beginning. A few bumps at the start, but it's the stuff you do in adversity that makes you appreciate life all the more. Start thinking about the things that YOU want to do - white water rafting, visiting Paris, going to the theatre, with friends of YOUR choosing who think you're worth spending time with.

You go, girl!!

Haven't you given him enough of your life and care?

I'm here for you tonight (and any other time) because I want you to know that you CAN leave this arsehole.

Thanks so much, both of you ... and no, I've not given him enough care - I've given him too damn much, as everyone's said!! I can see this all too clearly - it's only that this is one of those wobbly nights when he's trying to be "sweet and kind" (ugh!!) He keeps looking at me in a puzzled way and part of me wonders if he realises the steps I'm taking - maybe my attitude to him has changed, I don't know - but anyway it doesn't make any difference to my decision; I just needed a bit of moral support, I guess, and I do appreciate it very much .....

He may well have noticed a difference in you and be trying to reel you back in.

You can do this.

Morning Lynn, I wondered how you're doing today? I hope your "wobbly" night passed and you're feeling stronger today.

Breathe deeply. Have a look again at all the advice, and see what you can do to prepare for the meeting with the solicitor. Very annoying that it's been delayed, but turn it into a positive and use the time to photocopy or download evidence of marital assets, and photograph what's in the house. He's flat on his back (one hopes) and won't hear the sound of the bolts being drawn back on the marriage.

Morning, Mrs G, and thanks so much for asking; it really means a lot :-)
Yes, I got a decent night's sleep - didn't expect to, but guess I was just exhausted - so I feel more rational this morning, or as close as I'll get while here!! I'll be glad when his hospital visit is over with tomorrow, whichever way it goes, as at least then there'll be more clarity and he'll just have to get on with it

Here's a point: I always used to go with him, but really don't want to be the supportive little wife now - where was my support when I needed it?? If I refuse, though, he'll get suspicious, and I'd rather he didn't know until I've seen the solicitor to look at practicalities, also the counsellor; I don't need him telling me how stupid I'm being yet again. So - should I go with him and put a brave face on it, or just refuse and hope for the best? What do you think?

And yes, I'm spending the time getting paperwork, etc, together. I always had to do this myself anyway (something else I did alone - not bad for a "lazy woman", eh???) - so at least everything's to hand and he won't even notice if some things go missing

Onwards and upwards!! I CAN do this and I will ......

If you do not want to go, don't go - just make up an an excuse.

Just a thought, if you don't go, might he, when he hears your plans to leave, try to exaggerate anything the doc might say to make you feel guilty?

It might be worth going with him to hear exactly what the docs have to say, not to alter your decision, but to help you stand firm if he tries on the emotional blackmail when you tell him you're leaving.

Not advising you to go, just suggesting you might feel stronger if you have all the info.

Keep posting... you can do this! Loads of MN ers out here are rooting for you!

You could be ill - there's a lot of flu going round. :) However, if you think you should accompany him (given that you are a decent human being) then do so. You don't have to hold hands with him. Just accompany him like you would an elderly relative. And if that means you can continue unsuspected it's a couple of hours well spent.

Counselling. Ffs, why bother? (sorry ) I think you know you want out. He thinks he's sooooo much better than you and that's not going to change in six counselling sessions. You really have to ask yourself what could you truly get that would be helpful from counselling?

I'm hoping it's individual counselling Lynn was looking at, MrsG. I think it'd be a good idea to help build up the confidence to know she deserves more and stop the wobbles.

Yes, it's my own counselling I'm planning. There's no point in going with him - nothing is his fault and it would just be another opportunity to say how unreasonable I am. Kodachrome's right about me needing to do everything I can to build my confidence up, and I really don't need more of his scorn tipping over me

The point about knowing what the doc really said is an excellent one, Cenicienta - and so is the one about it being time well spent to keep this under wraps until I'm ready to go, Mrs G. Thank you both for that; this is exactly why I value all the advice MNers are kind enough to give ... frankly most people on here seem to be a lot more sensible than I've been in the past, but that doesn't mean I have to go on being stupid over him. As I said, I WILL improve things for myself, whatever that takes ... no matter what else happens, I can't go on like this

Own counselling - now that's different, and a very good idea. You'll need that to work out why you've stayed so long, and why now is the time to move on. And how to build your confidence so that you can face your future head on, and look forward to it, and not be afraid (which you won't be, as your MNers will still be here for you :) - for the wobbly moments).

This is completely surreal, but just to update everyone who's been generous enough to give me good advice ...
I went to OH's eye check with him, and found the eye surgery has gone okay, though it's still touch and go as to whether his retina could detach again over the next 2-3 months; it needs that long to stabilise. I also managed to stay quite "neutral", throughout the whole thing, thank goodness
HOWEVER, early this afternoon I also had to go for my smear test (oh, joy)
Years ago I was told I had an abdominal lump, but that it was probably a cyst caused by endometriosis - there were no symptoms. Now the nurse who did my smear tells me "there's something large pressing down on your uterus" The GP wants to book an urgent MRI scan but so far I've told him I want nothing done until I've thought about this
In view of everything else that's happening my instinct is to simply take my chances; if it had been anything serious in the first place, I wouldn't still be here. On the other hand, there's clearly little point planning a new life for myself if there's not going to be one
This whole thing is completely insane - no sooner do I try to get to grips with one situation than another crisis crops up, and frankly I'm beginning to feel like a character out of a bad soap opera, except that people would say the plot was just too unrealistic
I guess I'll consider it all as best I can over the weekend, but it may be better to just call it quits; it's been a wasted life anyway

whoa there Lynnlost! Just whoa a minute!!! My view on this, is this is clearly a sign that there's a whole new start just waiting for you. Call your GP back this INSTANT, and ask for the MRI scan appointment. Don't you dare leave it!! You're far too important to give up on, so come on now, chin up and make the call.

For what it's worth, my dearest friend, who had been struggling with PMT for years, had a hysterectomy last year as her GP found a 2lb cyst sitting inside her, attached to some of her bits. Not malignant. That could be you. So make the call.

Everyone's still here - they'll come on board in a minute or so. :)