having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

To those of you who say that none of this has anything to do with DH - absolutely

I'm sorry, but this has everything to do with your dh. The fact that you don't consider him part of this (or OM's wife for that matter) shows how little regard you have for him.

Imagine if your dh had an affair and when he told you about it, he said, it had nothing to do with you . . .

When you marry someone they are always involved in your affairs. Even if they don't know it yet. I feel so sorry for your dh and I don't even know him For someone who professes to love him, you sure are looking after number 1 first.

I said the same thing I would say to a man in your position. Leave both of them. Neither relationships will work. If you tell, your dh will never trust you again. If you don't you are deceiving the person who most deserves your honesty. Tell both men it's over. Get yourself some counselling. And stay away from married men.

"Why let a dozen or so shags ruin a potential lifetime?"

That's the DH's decision to make, not the woman who was happy to enjoy the shags for months.

This is his lifetime, it is unbelievably cruel and selfish to condemn him to a lifetime with a wife who cheated on him by leaving him in the dark about what is really going on in his marriage.

OP - you claim to love your husband.

And you know that he would want to be told about this betrayal.

Because he has told you in the past his feelings about cheating.

If you truly love him, selflessly, properly, as a good partner should (despite your cheating) then you don't keep your marriage together at his expense.

Allowing him to live a life based entirely on lies is about as big a betrayal as I can imagine.

If you love him, then do the loving thing and let him make his own choice in the full knowledge of who you are and what you've done.

I thought I'd post something helpful to you, seeing all the abuse you've just received, as I feel I have lived through exactly what you're describing. I've name changed for this as I too am ashamed of what I did.
I'm a very similar age to you, and was in a very similar situation (I too am childless). A guy at work started pursuing me and showering me with attention/compliments and the exact same sequence of events ensued... the first kiss, the guilt, the next kiss, the guilt... then the sex... more guilt... then eventually it's gone so far and you can't go back, and it's heartbreaking because you long for a time before this happened but there is nothing you can do. My affair lasted nearly a year, and I became a person that I hated.
The reason my affair happened was because our marriage had become stale, and we had become more like best friends, but that didn't mean I didn't love him, we had just drifted apart intimately, and rather than working on it I started a disgusting affair, but I knew that I didnt want our marriage to end, and that he was the man I wanted my future with/children with.
In the end I decided to tell my DH what I had done. I didn't tell him how long it had lasted or precise details but I knew he had to know. He was heartbroken and devastated but he could see how much I regretted it and eventually over time he forgave me. It is now a year and a half on and we are happier than ever. The OM still works in my office but I don't even look at him. I haven't said one word to him for the last year and don't acknowledge his existence. He continues to cheat on every partner he has, and fuck with people's lives and is the office lothario. But he is nothing to me, and I have never cheated before and will NEVER cheat again. Once a cheat always a cheat is bullshit.

My advice to you is END THE AFFAIR now! no more "one more time" or half hearted attempts. Cut all ties as from this moment. Once the affair is over for long enough that you know you won't go back make a decision about whether to tell your partner, don't decide that now. no-one on mumsnet can advise you on whether to tell him without knowing what that will do to him or your marriage.
But you must end it now, otherwise it will kill who you are and you'll be left with a shell of a marriage, and no self-respect. You sound like a nice person and you know you've done wrong, so start making amends as soon as possible.
I really do wish you the best of luck.

fairenuff when I said it has nothing to do with DH, I meant that the decisions I made were mine alone, I chose to have the affair. It was me that could have talked to DH but instead ended up with OM. None of this is DH's fault. That was what I meant.

scottish DH isn't a back up plan. It may seem to you that I was testing the waters with another man, keeping DH at home to fall back on in case it didn't work out with OM, but this is not the case at all. At no point in our relationship have I ever considered leaving DH and I don't want to now either. But I've done a horrible thing and I am fully aware that DH may leave me instead.

She's not been abused she's simply read some truisms and would prefer it to be sugar coated
Given you too are shagger who can't keep drawers on,I'd expect you to think op being given abuse.truth stings

I haven't seen any abuse posted Annabelamie, in fact I think people have been very constructive.

I echo what others have said about telling your dh, he is not a child, keeping it secret from him is unfair. I think you need to tell him and live with the consequences.

You got two guys on go
You're dh is the fall back guy.mr reliable who doesnt know your unfaithful
That's no way to treat another adult,you need to tell your dh
Some stark talking reqd

Sorry I can't take the post seriously when you call me a "shagger"

Cool runnings - I agree most people have been constructive, but there was a sequence of posts a page or so back that were unecessarily cruel.
Calling someone self-centred, duplicitous and lacking in dignity on a forum asking for advice is just unnecessary name calling.

Geez cant believe what a hard time people are giving someone who is at least being honest.
Takes some nerve to be this brutally honest.
I still believe you should keep quiet and both you and hubby need to have a long chat about how the relationship is going.

You have both got stuck into a rut and you both need to work on things to get out of the rut. I know you said your both snappy and grizzly when you do see each other...but you dont have kids so when you know both u and hubby are going to be at home...send him a suggestive text. He may surprise you and send one back. Then enjoy.

And nor can I take a shagger consoling another shagger seriously
It's all a bit well you would say that

So, OP, your basic question is 'how do I stop it?

get on the phone to the other man now, tell him it is over and then stop being such a shit. that's how. Or do you need someone from mumsnet to come and do it for you? How would that work? Shall I call him for you and then if you can't have some self-restraint for the sake of the relationship you claim to want to stay in, then should I come over and lock you in the house? Or get a hit man to clober the OM?

the question you are asking is just stupid, sorry bt it is.

If you have no self-restraint and you are going to keep having the affair then at least let your husband have a choice about what he wants.

Rosie op isn't being honest
Not to he husband
She's not a brave wee wife,she's a bit of a girl.with a fancy man and all

and you have repeated that none of this is your DH's fault, like you are doing a favour by not telling him? Why should he have his lovely relationship messed up because of something that is your fault? Actually I think you are just thinking of yourself like all the men we hear about in other threads, who don't want to mess up the cushy life they have with their DW but want to keep on being a shit behind their back until they get caught and then they start to lie to get themselves out of it.

i am taking the OP on face value since i do not know her personally as neither does anyone else on here. I personally dont believe from what I have read that she wishes to continue to cheat, she realises the mess she has made and is going to put things right.
If he is never going to find out then i see no reason why his life should be turned upside down and yet another marriage in this world ending in the divorce courts.

And of course she is brave look at the nastiness she has recieved. I dont believe in hiding behind a computer giving nastiness at people. I take people on face value of what they have said, the answers they have given and nothing the OP has said gives me the impression she is a serial cheat or a nasty person.

Oh and before people start on me. I have never cheated on anyone. Although i can understand why it does happen sometimes.

If you do finish the affair and dont tell your husband you need to be prepared for him to still find out. People at work WILL know you two are sleeping together and you can never rest easy that someone wont tell your husband.
Also your husband WILL have noticed that you have been 'different' and when you end the affair your behaviour will change again IYSWIM.

I don't know what else I can say.

If I could go back to before the affair happened and do things differently, I would.

I am not a serial cheater, this is my only affair, and I will never do this again. I am not going to see the OM again.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach every day knowing what I've done. Telling DH/not telling him - neither will make me feel any better. It won't change the fact that I've already done it.

To be completely honest, if DH had a short affair that I would never find out about, but was now committed to improving our marriage and would never cheat again, then I think I would rather not know about it. But I know telling him would be the right thing to do, so I'm in turmoil trying to decide what I should do for the best.

Your dilemma is you want best for you

no scottish, you're wrong. Yes, I've acted selfishly by having an affair. But from here I want to do what is best for my marriage.

By that you mean yourself
You took vows, stuff about respect, honesty etc
Tell your dh, let him decide with full inormation

I think it's likely that your husband will find out eventually, either from you or someone else. The question is how to minimise the hurt that it will cause him.
I think you're damned if you tell him and damned if you dont.
Not very helpful. Sorry

Three choices as I see it:

1. Be honest - give your dh the opportunity to know the truth and make a decision based on that.

BUT you're unburdening your guilt onto him and making him suffer pain that may be unnecessary.

1. Keep it to yourself - he remains blissfully unaware but you have to live with the guilt of knowing that you've betrayed him.
2. Leave him. He need never know the true reason.

Maybe i'm being very naive here but I don't see how DH will find out if I don't tell him. OM & I have told no one; even if colleagues have guessed none of them know my DH anyway, and there'd be no reason for any of them to actively seek him out in order to tell him. I don't plan on seeing OM outside of work again, so no one will see us together from now on.

forty the first two of your choices are what I'm trying to decide between.

My Ex DH had an affair no one really knew me but they managed to track me down at work and I received a phone call from a 'concerned' friend of his.
Just be aware that some people love a bit of stirring.
I would finish the affair, keep quiet and hope for the best.