having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

You are basically just going to have to hope one of 2 things don't happen.....one...a colleague lets it slip at a function or something to your husband.

Two.......the wife finds out. Either she catches him out with someone and a full and frank disclosure comes to save his skin. Or one of the colleagues spills to her. She wouldn't be the first wronged wife, to get straight onto the ow husband.

"But I know telling him would be the right thing to do, so I'm in turmoil trying to decide what I should do for the best."

Well if telling him is the right thing to do (it is), then there is no decision to be made - you must tell him.

"Yes, I've acted selfishly by having an affair. But from here I want to do what is best for my marriage."

Self-serving shite.

You've acted selfishly by having an affair, and now you're acting selfishly by doing what is best for your "marriage".

You have shat all over your marriage.

You must do what is best for your husband now.

Hint: it's not a "marriage" built on lies with a cheating, lying wife.

You know he would want the choice to leave.

You're just trying to justify giving him that choice by deciding that the marriage that meant fuck all when it suited you is suddenly inviolable.

Yuleing is right - you are just like all the men who pretend they are doing their wives a kindness by lying to them.

Err: You're trying to justify "not" giving him that choice.

Oh and - "blissful ignorance"

Do you think he would consider a life of being married to an aldulterer to he "blissful"?

You have to tell your DH! How cruel to expect him to carry on in this relationship without being informed of all of the facts.

To the person who said that the OP shouldn't let a few shags ruin a lifetime - This would mean that the OP's husband would be living a lie for this 'lifetime'. He would be living in a relationship that he thought was honest, open and based on trust. In fact he would be living in a relationship where a huge secret was kept hidden from him, by the very person he should be able to trust the most.

To not even let him have a choice about how to spend the rest of his life, a choice that is based on the TRUTH, is beyond terrible.

Like many couples, you and your dh have already dicussed how important fidelity is to each of you. Your dh did not tell you that if you had an affair he would rather be left in 'blissful ignorance'. He told you that if you had an affair he would want to know.

So you know that telling him is the morally correct thing to do.

You also know that if you tell he will leave you.

You do not want to lose him.

Therefore you want to keep the affair to yourself even though your guilt tells you that this is morally wrong.

Your dilemma is this: do you do what your dh wants, or do you do what you want.

That's the bottom line.

OP, what makes you think he won't forgive you just out of interest? Have you had conversations about adultery before? Do you honestly think he would find it easier to leave you than forgive you after 10 years together? It depends partly on how strong you think his love is for you.

This is the first time you've done this and if you are open and honest about it, you might find he is willing to give you a second chance. Far better that than him finding out from someone else, or you living with a lie forever.

I know in my situation I thought my husband would forgive me and he did, but obviously all circumstances are different - he was working away a lot and felt he had let me down in some ways too so it wasn't black and white.

OP: just end it now, and start looking for a new job. Obviously don't quit the job without a new one to go to, but get out with a claim of time to move on before you get a reputation at work.

Do you think your DH would want to know, or is he happier not having been told? If you aren't going to tell him though, you can't tell any of your friends or family, in case they tell him for you. If you do tell him, be prepared for him to leave, and tell everyone you know why he is doing so.

So your plan of attack - tell OM it's over, no dramas, no negotiations, over, you hope things can stay civil. Update CV, get it out to all recruitment companies covering your industry, start looking for a new job. (If/when you do find one, cut contact with current colleagues to a bare minimum. This actually also might be useful for you as you need a new project, new job search could be good for that.)

Finally - Decide if you want to tell your DH. You don't actually have to do that this week, but you do need to end your relationship with OM. I don't think you do have to tell DH, a lot on here will and be disguisted with the idea of keeping it secret, but I do think if you have ended it, have worked out why it happened and found a way in your own mind to be certain it won't happen again, then you can deal with the guilt by yourself. If you do decide to tell your DH, I wouldn't do it straight away (as in the next few days), ending the relationship with OM will be traumatic /emotional enough, if you want to tell your DH and keep your marriage, then you need to be in a place to fight to keep him, this isn't going to happen if you're emotionally on the floor already from dealing with OM.

Have you emailed /text/ told in person the om that it is over yet?

Oh, and if the OM suggests you should be 'friends', smile, agree but don't believe it for one second, this man is not your friend, if he was your friend he wouldn't have fucked up your head/marriage/career/emotions just because he wanted to shag you. He doesn't like you enough to have just been your friend in the first place, don't allow him in your life after the 'it's over' conversation, beyond what you need to for work.

(And obviously, you're not his friend if you were prepared to sleep with him knowing he's married with children)

"If I could go back to before the affair happened and do things differently, I would." is the eternal cry of people who have been sullied.

As a friend of mine pithily said, 'you can't put shit back in a horse, and you can't unfuck the[accomplice]'

This is just not talked about enough in society. If the Church of England did it's job instead of flapping about people in tents, we might think about it more. As I said to my H, you would KILL someone who hurt your family the way you have hurt them.

I for one respect your sorrow hurt and remorse. I just want you to know that.

But, can you be really honest? WHY did you do this? Why, really?

Don't text or put anything down in writing! Look at his selfish, shallow face and just tell him.

Then walk away and work hard on your marriage. It is really really important that your husband hears how much his 'not being affectionate' hurts you. Even if that means paying for a counsellor. He has to hear you.

"It is really really important that your husband hears how much his 'not being affectionate' hurts you. Even if that means paying for a counsellor. He has to hear you."

Sorry?

when a man cheats, anyone who dares suggest that the women should have stuck a bit of lippy on and opened her legs a bit more to keep the relationship alive gets shot down in a ball of flames (and rightfully so)

But a woman cheats, and suddenly it is really really important that your husband hears how much he hurts you by not being affectionate.

Is it really really important that her husband hears how much she doesn't respect or love him any more? Or do his feelings not matter?

no I haven't told the OM its over yet. Unsurprisingly, we don't speak at weekends. I will be seeing him in work in the morning though.

Are you going to tell him then?

I agree 21 but in fairness to the OP, she is not putting this forward as an excuse for infidelity - especially as I'd imagine that her husband has been going without affection rather more than the OP in recent months and this would seem like an absurd request of a man who is completely in the dark and wondering what's changed in his wife.

OP the first hurdle is ending the relationship with the OM, the next is a sexual health check and then set about fixing you at the same time as putting energy into your marriage. If you miss out the vital step of understanding how you became this person, however much you insist it couldn't happen again, it could and would in fact be more likely that you'd do this again. Maybe not for a while, but as soon as your memory fades and you start to miss the buzz of an affair again.

I think you're convincing yourself that if the positions were reversed, you'd rather not know but in any case, what you would want is irrelevant. It's what your husband would want in the way of honesty. There are also risks that he might find out from someone else. Your OM might be a practised adulterer used to covering his tracks, but they are the very people who get careless and negligent. It would be so much worse if your husband found out from someone else, but I'm sure you know that.

Don't get too bogged down in guilt to the extent that inertia takes over and it becomes self-indulgent. Taking responsibility means getting to know parts of yourself you'd rather not confront and changing what needs changing. You are not bad or evil, but you've done some incredibly hurtful things here, to your husband, the OM's family and yourself. Be brave and confront all that.

21 that wasn't blaming the H. That was telling OP with full faith that she will end in with OM (I believe her when she says she is disgusted with herself and has actually found she dislikes him) - and urging her to work on what she needs to work on.

Which is, her own feelings, that going along with the status quo without ensuring her needs are heard makes her feel resentful, and connectivity with her H. To let him know she really, really needs attention and affection (because she found she was looking for it elsewhere in a really bad way, ie. this is a relationship imperative).

No blaming H.

I still think what Hatty is advocating is dangerous. Learning of betrayal is so devastating that it obliterates rational thinking and it NEVER goes away. This is one thing that is TOO painful.

OP fucked OM on her own, she is learning her lesson (that it is wrong, humiliating, demeaning and you lose your integrity) on her own, and she can work her way back to being a mature, sound human being who truly values honesty and integrity, on her own.

THEN, she can do what she should have done in the first place, which is work on her marriage with a spirit of respect appreciation and humility. Calling on counsellors when she needs to.

And, OP? Find another job. Urgently. Can your skills be used in another area/different career? Get this cesspool behind you.

21 that wasn't blaming the H. That was telling OP with full faith that she will end in with OM (I believe her when she says she is disgusted with herself and has actually found she dislikes him) - and urging her to work on what she needs to work on.

Which is, her own feelings, that going along with the status quo without ensuring her needs are heard makes her feel resentful, and connectivity with her H. To let him know she really, really needs attention and affection (because she found she was looking for it elsewhere in a really bad way, ie. this is a relationship imperative).

No blaming H.

I still think what Hatty is advocating is dangerous. Learning of betrayal is so devastating that it obliterates rational thinking and it NEVER goes away. This is one thing that is TOO painful.

OP fucked OM on her own, she is learning her lesson (that it is wrong, humiliating, demeaning and you lose your integrity) on her own, and she can work her way back to being a mature, sound human being who truly values honesty and integrity, on her own.

THEN, she can do what she should have done in the first place, which is work on her marriage with a spirit of respect appreciation and humility. Calling on counsellors when she needs to to get him to hear how FUCKING IMPORTANT this is. He doesn't have to know HOW she knows how important this is.

And, OP? Find another job. Urgently. Can your skills be used in another area/different career? Get this cesspool behind you.

I would like to give you a real-life situation why I think Hatty is wrong, and that this is one situation where avoiding the agony is more important than the ideal (of complete honesty):

I was with my friends the other day, and two of them are anticipating going to join their husbands at a trade fair in Germany and making a lovely weekend of it.

I was listening to the smiles in their voices and watching their pleasure on their faces, as they discussed the hotels, and what they were going to do (and the private smiles of their time with their husbands).

The Trade Fair. And the more upmarket hotel than they were looking forward to, where I was excluded and never invited to join, where MY husband fucked his mistress and told her how much he had missed her.

And, you know? At that moment, it didn't matter that he is remorseful, says his affair was the worst mistake of his life, that he is devastated at the damage wreaked, that he is not the honourable man he thought he was, that he knows the most important thing in a man's life is not his career or possessions but his family. It doesn't matter that he hates her, wishes he had never ever ever done what he did.

Because at that moment, I the no longer innocent one, stood as the outsider to their happy, serene bubble, and listened to their pleasure and anticipation, whilst I stood with my private humiliation and pain. This is YEARS afterwards. Do you have any idea what that felt like?

Adultery. The gift that keeps on giving. Don't tell. Stop it, and sort your life out, and work your way back to the living. But don't tell.

Abitwobbly I'm so sorry .

It is true that ignorance can prevent the pain and anguish of knowing about the affair. But there is no guarantee that he won't find out eventually through someone else. Also, he has already told OP that if she had an affair he would want to know. She is 100% certain that he would leave her.

Staying with someone after an affair is an entirely personal choice but, as you say, incredibly difficult and sometimes the damage is to great to be overcome. The hurt may never go away and it is unlikely that the person will completely trust their dp again.

OP knew her dh would leave her before she began this affair. That didn't concern her at the time. Now that the affair has not pannned out as she hoped, she is faced with the decision of being honest with her dh or living a lie. She could decide to live the lie but what kind of relationship would that be? Everyone deserves honesty and trust in their relationship. If they are missing, they will always be missing, imo.

How can you think that the OM won't tell? Maybe it's something that has already been boasted about with your colleagues. Or maybe, as a serial adulterer, he's so used to getting his own way with other women that he wouldn't be able to bear it if you were the one to end it with him. And that's where the revenge would start and he'd tell your dh.

As someone who is going through this right now, to have had my 'dh' tell me himself about his affair rather than me hear from her or someone else is, in my opinion, the better way.

OP, seriously consider a job change if you want your dh to even contemplate a future with you. This is what my dh has done, quit his job and now I'm the sole earner of £17,000 pa with 2 kids to support, but it was still the right thing to do to sever all contact with her.

Don't expect your dh to know what he wants for a long time. Then, just as he might think he's made his decision, everything will come crashing down again and he'll be back to that pit of despair, not knowing what to do. Expect to be despised, accept the looks of pain, but know that nothing, nothing, nothing will ever make you feel as bad as he does. BUT I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HIM.

I dont actually think when the majority of women have affairs its all about sex. Its actually about being touched and wanted, having someone pay attention to you.
When a relationship starts its all lovely kisses, cuddles and plenty of affection then suddenly it stops the other person has decided on their own that they dont want that anymore. There is no discussion about it, no compromise on how the relationship will progress.

Im guessing the OP has been feeling insecure, unwanted and pretty rotten for a long time before the affair happened. I am guessing the OP has spoken to her OH about the lack of physical contact in the relationship. The OP states OH has told her he is not touchy feely. Well hmm when someone suddenly severs all physical contact with no apparent reason behind then rational thinking doesnt happen. The feelings of warmth and actually being wanted are why this affair has happened.
Sure OP can tell her hubby but thats at the risk of ruining the relationship and making her hubby feel like crap.
My advice would be to talk to OH try and work on what is missing, try and get that sparkle back. IF it doesnt work and OP is still feeling something is missing and needs a relationship with warmth and affection then she should leave in order to go and find that relationship.

There's that myth being peddled again....

rosie the OP has accepted and reiterated that this isn't about what's missing in her marriage and in fact stated in her OP that the lack of sex is not one-sided but down to lifestyle in that they work opposing shifts. She has also said that she didn't speak to her husband about this and it's one of her regrets.

I think you're 'guessing' a lot that simply isn't there because you have trouble believing that some women have affairs for exactly the same reasons as some men.

For all you know, the OP's husband is the one who has been feeling 'insecure, unwanted and pretty rotten' but there is no evidence that he 'suddenly severed all physical contact with no apparent reason behind it'. The OP doesn't mention any changes at all in his behaviour and the inference is that he has not changed at all and was never a 'touchy feely person'.

I think a couple of posters on this thread seem anxious to paint the OP as the victim of an unaffectionate man who won't listen to his wife's needs, when there's simply no evidence to support it. To her credit, the OP is not buying these excuses either, because I think she understands that that aren't any.

Op, How can you say you will never cheat again?

Did you set out to cheat on your dh deliberately? Was it part of your life plan to get married, have sex on the sly with a colleague, several times and then stop "for good"?
At what point did it actually occur to you that what you were doing was wrong?
How many times did you cheat by then? Or do you consider that because it was with the same person, it was only once? Heck, if so, you might as well continue!

I know you think that your dh will never know.

If you have read any threads here about affairs, you will know that

1. The cheated on party is rarely 100% ignorant of what is going on. They may have noticed something and started their own investigation.
2. The OTHER persons cheated on spouse might notice, or their partner come clean, and decide that it is only fair that your spouse is also in the know.
3. There might be a colleague, who rightly or wrongly, has noticed, and is appalled at your behaviour, or friends with the other persons partner, and who decide to tell...

And when the shit hits the fan, because it is quite likely to, as you seem to have no problems staying in the same workplace and continue a benign colleague relationship with your lover, then, well, I wish you good luck.