having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

"No need for verbal abuse!"

Lol, that wasn't verbal abuse fgs.

"Start another thread for discussion of C&C?"

You'd struggle to find a person that cared less about C&C.

'I just don't know how one could live with the lie throughout one's marriage.

Exactly! If you have not experienced the intensity of a secret love, you cannot foretell or imagine how you would live with the lie throughout your marriage. But, if it did happen to you, you would find a way of living life with a secret love and a husband.'

What I meant is that you can't live with a lie in the long term - the truth always outs itself.

I must be missing something here .

When you marry someone you are promising them that you will not be unfaithful. If you become unhappy in your marriage you have the option of either trying to resolve differences, or separating.

If you meet someone else who you want to have sex with you decide whether you want to remain married (ie faithful) or not. If you choose to remain married (faithful) you don't sleep with the other person.

If you choose to be unfaithful you have broken your marriage vows. The husband deserves to know that the marriage vows have been broken.

Otherwise, what is the point of making the vows (marriage) in the first place. If you don't think fidelity, honesty and respect are important, then don't promise them to another person.

If you change your mind during the course of the marriage, then tell your partner. You never know, he might like the idea of an open marriage, but if not he has the option of ending the fake relationship.

We all know life is not black and white, that it's complicated and emotions are involved. But we also all have options and do not have to treat others with such callous disregard.

Fairee

Can you accept that some people have an affair because they are unsure about their feelings and they are not ready to ditch their marriage?

I'm not defending affairs but I do think you are missing a whole load of stuff.

You might not approve- that's different. But you do seem to lack understanding of why affairs happen. The people I know who have had affairs are not sure they want to end their marriage or can't for financial reasons, or because they are putting a secure family unit first.

It's never as simple as you say- and if that is really how you think, then it shows a huge lack of understanding of human behaviour.

Understanding. Not approval. Your post is incredibly judgemental.

Can you accept that some people have an affair because they are unsure about their feelings and they are not ready to ditch their marriage?

Yes. It's called having your cake and eating it.

The people I know who have had affairs are not sure they want to end their marriage or can't for financial reasons, or because they are putting a secure family unit first

Having an affair because you 'are not sure' if you want to end your marriage is selfish. Financial reasons is using one person to support you whilst you sleep with another. Putting a secure family unit first? You have got to be kidding.

Try peddling this to all the (mostly women) on these boards who are discovering infidelity and trying to deal with it.

Imagine finding out your dh is having an affair and him saying, 'Well gee honey, I didn't want to break up the secure family unit, but I'm not ready to ditch the marriage yet.'

Fairee- it's clear from your posts that you have a very biased view.
I have some close friends who have had affairs. I was trying to describe what can happen- not judge as you are.

They were not looking for an affair. They were unhappy in their relationships already. They were vulnerable.

It's very easy for you to say what you have- but you know what? it doesn't account one bit for people's emotions. That's the bit you are missing.

IME most of the people I do know who have had affairs have wanted out of their marriage and were treading water there. They met someone else by chance and wham.

You can be disapproving if you want, but you might end up a better person yourself by developing some compassion and understanding, even if you can't get as far as approval.

Amelia - you have no idea.

If those friends were so unhappy with their marriages, why didn't they seperate?!!

In fact, most people with real life experience of infidelity (and not just via friends/work colleagues) say affairs happen because the unfaithful were unhappy with/in themselves.

No Amelia. There is no excuse for deceit even if you are unhappy. You finish the relationship that is your marriage and then you start seeing someone else.

I don't buy this compassion nonsense because lying and betrayal are never excusable.

Mad how can you tell me that I have " no idea" when I have friends whose relationships I have witnessed.

Have you?

I expect not.

Relationships are very complex. If you can't understand this then that is a fault in you- so don't throw it back to me as if I am the one who is misinformed, because I am basing my posts here on real people, with real lives. Not some Daily Mail " black and white" existence.

Cos you have not actually experienced infidelity first hand and I do not mean as a witness. Also what you are saying on here confirms the fact that you do not really know what you are talking about.

Most of us on this thread have real life experience of infidelity.

• I mean most of us who are saying that deceit has no place in a marriage are those who have RL experience

*Have you?

I expect not.*

Yes - my H had an affair for 15 months so I do know what I am talking about.

I can't really see the point of posts that make excuses for other people's infidelity, when they have no relevance to the OP's situation. The OP isn't in a miserable marriage, isn't staying with her husband for financial reasons and hasn't got children or a need to 'keep the family unit' together. To her credit, she also seems to have more depth, self-awareness, honesty and a sense of personal responsibility than to hide behind any excuses some posters seem to be desperate to offer her, even when the excuses seem to have no relevance at all to her personal situation.

Hattytown

Well said, there's not much of an excuse for it anyway, even people who have affairs don't often deny that.

Again, not being judgy, just realistic.

Unless you are made of rhino skin you will carry this guilt around forever unless of course you tell him and accepts what you have done and you move on

All I can say is how would you feel?

Did you never think of blurting out PAY ME ATTENTION OR ELSE!?

Sorry to sound so blunt - I know you dont need this kind of advice but I dont mean any harm

Must be hard for you to carry on day to day life

TheSinner said: The reason I advise not to tell is because it hurts the other person- read my post more carefully.

I have been trying so hard to convey the nuclear level of hurt! That in THIS situation the hurt is so huge that actually the good of honesty is not good enough.

The solution for me is what Hatty advocates to OM: which is to end it by owning the wrong and the love for her husband and then to work hard on herself and to communicate better. Then, if the 'unfeeling' H choses not to hear these needs, OP can really know where she stands instead of carrying an unacknowledged hurt/resentment into an affair.

Ending it and owning it is far better (in the event of discovery) than the ending it by being caught. Of course it is. One is taking responsibility for wrong actions, the other is.... not.

Thank you for your postings, Sinner, they were a comfort.

Hi Amelia - you might end up a better person yourself by developing some compassion and understanding

I was expressing compassion - for the cheatee rather than the cheater. The person who cheats has made that conscious choice after all, it's the poor bugger who's left in the dark I feel sorry for.

To have an affair and then blame it on the 'innocent' party is the pits. If you do it, you should take responsibility.

No one forced you to stay married.

No one forced you to pick up your phone, arrange a meeting, drive there, take your clothes off, have sex, get dressed and drive home to your husband/wife with a pre-prepared lie to explain where you've been.

Have some consideration and, yes, compassion for those who are hurt beyond what's bearable when they discover what you've done to them. Not by accident but through choice.

Be careful Fairenuff. Because one day you will fall off that high horse, lose your judge's wig, and come a cropper.

meanwhile

Op, have you told the OM your relationship is over yet ?

I think the OP has left the thread.
I don't think she wants to end her affair because she made excuses for not doing it on Monday.
No need to make a big issue of it, OP, you know he won't be heart broken. A short, to the point text will do the trick.
'' Best we don't see each other again, regards......''

She's not going to tell him its over, she doesn't want to.

She won't tell her husband either and he'll find out some other way. Poor guy.

Ofc she dosent really want it to finish. She shows all the traits of someone who is a serial adulterer, she'll keep going and do it again and again.

All these steps she could stop it.

Stop communication, stop making eyes, stop texting just stop.

Don't get in the car.

If you do get in the car, don't make the drive to the hotel or the brothers house.

If you do get there, don't go in.

If you do go in, keep your clothes on.

If you do take your clothes off, you don't have to have sex. You can say no and keep your legs shut.

But no she dosent, because she dosent want to. Hence all the namby pamby, ohhhhh it's not the right time to tell him bollocks. She owes him nothing. If she really professes to care for her husband. There is no right time to tell the om, just do it. I'm pretty sure through all those steps above, someone isn't holding a gun to her head and dragging her through the streets by her hair. Oh but I can't stop it, I just don't know how....bollocks.

She's going to end up another statistic, that was too weak and selfish to give up her long term lover. So eventually a colleague spills or the wife or husband finds out directly, because they get the point of such self absorption, they forget to cover something and think they are invincible. It's called having our cake and eating it.

Amelia, it's hardly being on your high horse to sat that lying and cheating on your partner is unacceptable behaviour. And you seem to think that anyone who does it deserves compassion and understanding.

Your other half got lucky with your moral compass, didn't they?

so ...........
tell us what happened did you left the OM or your "D"h .............