having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

Besides all that, in your own words you are attracted to him and quite flirty with him and your only contact (apart from your weekly shag) is at work. Your colleagues aren't blind and stupid.

I'm afraid that's my experience too, especially in organisations that are institutionally sexist

Agreed. It's the worst of bad form to have an affair with a colleague. It's tacky and high risk and makes you look unprofessional. So that's your career you're messing with as well as your marriage.

Please tell your husband. Honesty is the foundation of marriage, he needs to know to make an informed choice about the future. It isn't about cleansing your guilt, but about being honest about who you are. Better that he finds out now, from you. It will also make it real for you the hurt you are causing and harder to go back to the OM.

Your current life circumstances have left you two as passing ships in the night, and his lack of affection compounds things. This isnt a recipe for long lasting happiness no matter how much you care for each other (beleive me, i know). Just because he isn't spontaneously affectionate doesn't mean he can't learn to be. Prioritise your marriage above all things, it's your foundation, it needs to be maintained.

Check out www.survivinginfidelity.com, there is a section of the forum for the cheating spouse with advice of how to tell and typical reactions.

Please tell him, he may leave, or it may be the start of an amazing future.

God I must be so naive, I really didn't think we were that obvious at work. Where I work everyone flirts with each other, but they're not all having affairs. If anything, OM and I have been less flirty around other people since the affair began, but if anything this probably looks even more obvious.

I am a fool.

ladymedea yes 'passing ships' is exactly what we are like at times. Somethings got to change as it can't carry on like this, at least not in the long term. I'll have a look at that website you mentioned, thanks.

You keep saying you love your dh but if you really did I don't see how you could treat him like this.

You should end it with both men. You are not happy with your dh and won't even do him the courtesy of trying to resolve the differences in your marriage. The OM is also married, so there is his family to consider. Or do you not care about them?

Go it alone for a while. Get some counselling. Find out how to have a satisfying, honest relationship before you get involved with someone else.

And stay away from married men.

Is the OM married, chidren?
Do you have sex in hotels?

We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex.

If not married, then certainly living with a partner.

I honestly do love DH, the guilt is horrendous. I never saw this coming.

Yes OM is married and he has two children. This adds to my guilt, I feel awful, but not as bad as I do for my own DH.

Yes sometimes hotels, but usually his brother's house (he lives alone and works away all week, OM has a spare set of keys so he can take the post in, switch lights on etc). I have never brought OM into my home and I've never been into his.

Oh come on love, quit the denial.

You did see this coming - a mile off. You made it happen, as did the married man with children.

What's his excuse then? Does he admit this is just fun, or does he trash his marriage and claim he doesn't get much sex at home?

Your dh is an adult. If you split up he will cope without you. If the OM and his wife split up, what about those children? This is serious. You could be responsible for that. Don't you care? How can you even consider continuing to see him?

If his brother knows that his house is being used as a rendezvous point (I do hope so because otherwise that's another shitty deceit) then at least one other person knows this 'secret that's not a secret'.

No he doesn't claim that things are bad at home, quite the opposite in fact. He does this just because the opportunity is there and he can. He's very open about this. There's been other affairs before I came along and I don't doubt there will be many more once I've gone too.

I do care fairenuff I feel like shit. This is why I need to end it.

So end it then. Not sure what you really expect anyone to say. Tell him it's over. Delete his phone number, email, whatever. Be cordial when you see him at work. How long do you reckon before he moves onto someone else? You should be shot of him after a few weeks. It ain't that hard love.

Was just asking coz I thought it might be my husband

Ah I see, you've been salving your conscience with the belief that you're not wrecking a marriage and family, as you're just one in a long line of many? Well at least OM's been honest with you, but are you honest with him and yourself about what this affair is, to you?

End it without acrimony (you're both as bad as eachother and he hasn't strung you along), have a sexual health check (no such thing as safe sex), delete all his details and have some counselling about letting your husband know.

This is an addiction that you can overcome, if you really want to.

He'd be onto someone else as soon as the opportunity arises, I'm sure.

You're right, fair, I just need to be strong and do it.

Its more what to do with DH that I am worrying about, some posters think it is better to tell him, others to keep quiet. I'm not sure yet what to do for the best, but hopefully it will be easier to come to a decision once the affair is over.

Well, if you know that he will leave you, then surely, that is what you want, as otherwise you wouldn't be shagging another man? Your marriage is over. You know it. Now, deal with it.

Do remember that no one has died and it is not, actually, the worst thing in the world. However, if you are repeating a pattern of behaviour that makes you unhappy and feel that you literally have no power over what you do, then counselling probably would help you. Because you do have power over your own choices.

I'm in the tell him camp. I raise my eyebrows when people come out with guff about it being wrong to hurt someone with the truth, the punishment will be your own guilt blah, blah...

The reason people don't tell is self-interest, pure and simple.

I would listen to those who have had the same experiences and make your decision then, not those who haven't been through life's rich tapestries. Fwiw i wouldn't tells it sounds like you want to work at your marriage.

Sorry, it is not about what you deserve,it is about what he deserves.

Your H deserves the chance to make a choice about whether he wants to remain married to somebody who can betray him as you have. He deserves the chance to decide whether he can accept the deceit. He deserves to know why his marriage has felt different to him - because as someone upthread said, it will have felt different. He deserves the chance to have whatever checks are needed to ensure his own sexual health ( and please don't say " but we always used condoms" - if he had had an affair and told you that, would you believe him?)

You made choices about your relationship(s) and your H deserves the chance to do the same.

You are continuing the affair because you want to. If you really wanted to stop it you would. Until you get to that point, all the handwringing and guilt is useless as you will only stop if you choose to.

The OM is also not a nice person. Who would want to have a relationship with the sort of person who is shagging someone else's partner?

Everyone who says "don't tell him", what would your reaction be to a post like this:

"I just found out from [insert reason here] that my DH has been having an affair. He says he stopped a couple of months ago but didn't want to tell me as he didn't want me feeling guilty... does he think I'm an idiot? I felt there was something not quite right for a while- why couldn't he just have talked to me about it earlier? Now I've got to deal with the affair and him lying about the affair"

Ok, forgive the poetic license. But every "my husband has cheated on me, what do i do?" thread I've read has had the advice "tell him that you considering staying with him is based on a full and complete disclosure of everything. If he tries to cover something up, leave him, as that's him trying to minimise it"

You made your bed, now you need to sleep in it. On the one hand I dont want to shove the knife in any further since you're already feeling very guilty, but at 30 it is a little bit late to be learning that your actions have consequences. It's not for you to decide whether your DH stays with you. By telling him you won't make him carry a horrible burden of guilt and hurt, you'll be treating him like a responsible adult. And if he decides to leave, then that's hardly his fault. He's not an idiot, I bet he knows something is wrong, and if you just up sticks and leave he'll be confused and probably be more hurt by that as he'll never know why.