having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

Actually you say "I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him."

So why on earth did you start sneaking into another mans home, to shag his married brother in literally the bed of a stranger??

I honestly think you should leave your husband.

He deserves better than a woman with the morals of an alley cat, who lies and deceives.

You and him have made choices regards to your working hours. And you dont seem very happy together anyway. You know your marriage is a sham. It is built on the wrong foundations when one of you think you are building a future together and the other is shagging the opportunities that come in her way, risking his sexual health in the process. You dont love your husband. You despise him. Otherwise you would not behave like this.

It surprises me that a woman in her thirties behave like this, yet has a posting name that wonders how it came to this.

Tell your husband the full story and let him make his own choices. Take responsibility for your actions and be grown up about it.

Some people can be highly seductive imo - it takes two to tango. Which may sound like a contradiction but let's look at the type of man you have become entangled with for a minute. You are taking the entire blame here and, whereas you certainly do need to look at yourself and take full responsiblity for what you are doing, it's not entirely you who is doing this. By his own admission, he has done it before and he will do it again - a certain type of person behaves like that (predatory?). Pity his poor wife - do you?

Something's missing here if you will not only fall the once - we could all do that - but keep going. It's a shit deal for you and extremely high risk on all fronts, so what is he playing to in you? What in you would take such a shit deal? Is the sex amazing? What about such a sordid deal appeals to you?

counselling, soon as. Really. They've heard it all before. Find out what's going on with you, not just the immense guilt. Something is pulling you in that trumps the guilt, so it must be big.

I do believe an affair often functions like an addiction, so breaking it can be very hard - but no impossible. Shirley Glass's 'Not Just Friends' is mentioned a lot on here and it is a very good analysis of affairs in the modern marriage (with the except of the 'philandering' type of random sex relationships) which often grow from friendships where boundaries are not maintained. There is no excuse ever for having an affair, doesn't mean that it is something only done by evil/stupid people who don't care for their spouses.

I have very strong boundaries, and for me getting involved with someone else whilst married is like the law of physics where two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time, just impossible. Not everyone has boundaries that strong, no matter much in their head they want to.

Tell your husband, lay it all out on the table, and if you want to rebuild your marriage do everything you possibly can - expect a rough ride, but if he is willing to stay, it is possible to come back from it.

Never, ever, ever tell your husband. If you ever think this is a good idea, to share your guilt and pain, read all the threads on cheating and what it does to the betrayed. 'I didn't mean it' and 'It meant nothing' just cannot begin to be comprehended in your world and reality falling around your feet.

In this, I disagree with Shirley Glass (who I think along with Peggy Vaughan says 'tell') and do agree with other therapists (who say 'don't - but stop this terrible mistake and re-commit to your marriage'). Learning that you have been betrayed and that the person you thought you could trust you can't trust, is so shattering that the pain and the destructiveness will always be more than the appreciation of your honesty. Don't do it.

And also, DO NOT talk to anyone in RL who is not under an oath of professional confidence. Doctor, counsellor, priest only. Your best friend? Might get pissed off with you in 4 years' time. Might get drunk and blab without meaning to. Might have a Freudian slip. You never know the future.

Listen, you sound stronger already talking to us. So just keep talking to us until you see a counsellor. We might be able to get you out of the fantasy bubble - instead of your life crashing around your ears (on discovery). So:

"but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from."

Where did you have sex the first time? ie, how was it arranged, and what was said (did you both know it was going to happen?)
Where do you go for sex now? Is it unvarying, or do you play? Also, what happens afterwards? Do you talk, or do you dress and leave?
What is the ego boost about being used by someone who doesn't care about you?
What would you wish for with H?
What in your affair, would you like to have at home?
What do you like about OM?

Can you answer these questions? I do hope you get to the point that you are completely disgusted and stop it, and then go home having worked out who you are, what you are missing and what you want, and really insist your H hears you.

Because, the destructiveness of what you are doing will be your urgency [this is really important. It is so important that I will lose my integrity in order to get it.]

Good luck. I have noticed, Mumsnet doesn't flame courage and honesty.

LadyMedea what you are talking about is not boundaries, but an intact ego (sense of self)

A split has to happen in order to be with two people at the same time.

To end it I think you just have to tell OM that you're ending it as you can't carry on doing this to you, your H or OM's family. Then minimise contact as much as you can and delete all his numbers etc. And don't contact him. It sounds like he'll move on soon enough anyway to someone else.

I still wouldn't tell your H. From what I read you are not doing this because anything is wrong at home or with your relationship. You're doing this because you can, the opportunity came up and you went for it. You never really thought about the consequences at the time and it's only now that you realise what you might lose and that the affair isn't worth it. I know it's nothing to be proud of, but it happened and you now know it was wrong.

You can't compare it to where the wife has just found out about their husband having an affair as your H doesn't know and is unlikely to know. I really cannot see what is to be gained by telling him as the reason you're having the affair isn't related to him. You want your marriage to work, and I suspect if you've coped so far without having a guilt crisis you will cope with shouldering the guilt of not telling him (because, without meaning to be horrible, I don't think you feel a huge amount of guilt). If you think you'll crack because of it then you need to tell him. But if I was you I would put it down as one of life's huge lessons and learn by it.

Good luck.

Agree with the many who say don't tell your husband - but DO stop now - look for any help you can - counselling, whatever.

If it helps think of all the terrible things that can (and do) happen because of an affair. I once found two employees (both married to other people) having sex in a toilet cubicle in work. They both got fired, both their marriages ended and 5 young children were affected by divorce. They were both from a cultural background where this was viewed with shame and dishonour so their extended families disowned them. A bigger mess you could not imagine!

Possible consequences of affairs:

• Unintended pregnancy - with the added bonus of not knowing who the father is.

• STDs - OM sounds like he's have no qualms picking up another bit on the side.

• Marriage break up - divorce / separation affecting his children who are entirely innocent.

• Getting fired if you are breaking company policy about relationships in the workplace.

-Reaction of your DH if/when he finds out.

• Reaction of your family and friends if/when they find out.

• Financial wreckage of divorce / selling houses etc.

• All the shame, guilt and horror you are carrying around.

Howdidit - you are not a bad person, you are just doing a bad thing which you can stop. Thinking you are a bad person means that you are talking yourself into a "I can't help it" attitude, and you can stop if you want to.

Spend some time really imagining how bad life would be if any of the above came true, and how good life could be if you put your energy into making yourself, your husband and your marriage happy. Can you change shifts / jobs so you spend more time with each other? Is there anything else you can do to put the affection back into your marriage?

I disagree wobbly.

I think if you view infidelity as a discrete behaviour that happens in isolation of other character and personality traits, then your 'sort it and don't tell' might have some merit. But IMO this is never the case. There are always character and personality traits that lead up to it and allow it to happen in the first place.

There are very few people who get away with an undiscovered affair who a) acknowledge this and b) have the courage to change, without the imperative of a partner insisting on it.

So the attitudes and behaviours remain and in fact often get worse, with repeat infidelities not uncommon. I can't see how that can possibly be better for a partner and demonstrates how flawed is the statement that 'ignorance is bliss'.

But Hattytown why tell for a one off affair? If the lesson is learnt and taken to heart? If you go on to have a second affair then you're a habitual/serial cheater but surely you're allowed the one mistake to realise that it was wrong and that you'd never put yourself in that situation again? Why pull the H's life apart when there is nothing he can do to put it right?

To answer your Q op. it's really easy.

When he texts ignore. When he makes eyes over the workplace ignore.

Then, the easy bit. See all the steps here were you could stop, but you don't want to.

Stop getting into your car.

Stop driving to the hotel or his brothers house.

Stop sneaking into said house or hotel.

Stop kissing and fondling.

Stop undressing each other.

Stop lying back and opening your legs.

See easy 6 steps there at which you could stop, but you don't. That's not someone really wanting to stop is it? You actively go through those steps. I agree with what's been said about character traits. You here it on here with men. Selfish, weak, entitled. He just couldn't help it....yes of course he couldn't . I'd bet you, anything, you'll do this again and again.

I wish you'd just let your husband go to someone who really does love him and wouldn't be hurting him or the relationship in this manner. Your relationship probably looks shit to you, as you are shagging someone else.

This man is humiliating you OP, is that what you want?

*hear

Hatty, I love being disagreed with: it makes me think!

I agree with your 'imperative' argument. There are men people who compartmentalise, close it down and carry on as before. I also absolutely agree with your points that
"There are always character and personality traits that lead up to it and allow it to happen in the first place. There are very few people who get away with an undiscovered affair who a) acknowledge this and b) have the courage to change, without the imperative of a partner insisting on it. So the attitudes and behaviours remain and in fact often get worse ..."

But OP is showing a lot of guilt and distress at her splitting and her duplicity, and she is also showing motivation to work out why. She is showing willing to go to counselling, which is an act of huge courage, and in that place she will be gently made to address those issues (and the hidden resentment/rage at H's lack of affection that she isn't quite ready to deal with).

But the damage of infidelity discovery is so huge that yes I would urge her to go into that process independently without telling, and use this loss of her integrity as the urgent driver to insist on being heard at home. He doesn't have to lose everything in order to respond.

I agree that the OP could be helped by some counselling before deciding whether to confess and suggested this in my first post, but much depends on the quality of the counsellor and the willingness of the client to challenge herself. There is such an enormous societal myth that women's affairs are about love and not sex (and this is rooted in patriarchical distaste for women who love sex) that in my experience, counsellors (who have been subjected to the same conditioning) will not always challenge that myth and make interventions that will move a client further on from the belief that she wouldn't have been doing this if her 'love needs' had been met.

Consequently, I'm not always convinced that counselling always helps in these situations and in fact find it often serves to give women in particular unhelpful 'excuses' for why they are behaving in a way that makes them unhappy, whether that is remaining monogamous when they are not suited to it, having affairs or denying that sex is a hugely motivational impulse in their lives. The OP said in her opening post that she is 'ashamed' to say she loves the sex. That needs probing, in my view.

"I'm in the tell him camp. I raise my eyebrows when people come out with guff about it being wrong to hurt someone with the truth, the punishment will be your own guilt blah, blah...

The reason people don't tell is self-interest, pure and simple."

Couldn't agree more. The "carrying this guilt will be your punishment/you'd only be telling him to purge your own guilt" is bullshit. The reason you don't tell is because you don't want to face the consequences of your own actions.
Don't try and act selfless now, the cheating and the keeping it from a partner are both wholly selfish acts.
If you had any respect for your partner you'd tell them because you'd know that they deserve to make informed decisions about their own lives.

Just read through all of your posts. Harsh words in some of them but I think thats what I need right now.

I'll be honest... OM pursued me, flirted with me and showered me with compliments. I couldn't believe he would be interested in me. I could have and should have stopped it before anything happened, but I was weak and I didn't. Now I have this mess to deal with. At first OM made me feel good about myself. He reminded me that I can still be desirable and sexy, and I haven't felt that way for a long time. I realise now that I should have told DH at the time how I was feeling, but I'm not even sure I knew it myself back then. I felt guilty but I also felt unable to stop myself, its stupid but I was addicted to the excitement and the thrill, and knowing that OM wanted me.

Lately though the extent of the deceit and the guilt has hit me like a ton of bricks. Its why I started this thread, as I know things have to change. I now see the situation for what it is. What I have with OM is disgusting. He doesn't care about me, not really. He just enjoys the easy sex, and this makes me feel even more like shit about myself than I did in the beginning. I'm not trying to blame him though, we're both to blame. I allowed this to happen.

I can't do this anymore. Its over. I need to get my self respect back. I will make sure that I am never alone with him again. I don't even want to discuss the matter with him, I just want it to be over and thats it.

Then I will decide what to do about DH. I know in my heart that I should tell him but I am as yet undecided. Those of you who mentioned working on myself first, I think you are probably right.

Good. Make it clear to om that it is over and you want NO CONTACT whatsoever. It is the only way to rescue some of your self esteem.

Agree the colleagues will know. People can tell.

WELL DONE! You go.

But, How? If you tell your H what you have done, your marriage will be over. Just know this. Know that when you open your mouth, you will be taking a knife and stabbing it into his heart. Know that this pain, this mistrust goes on for years. This is the ONE situation where I, previously the most honest person going, would not tell.

The people who are urging you to tell I suspect have not been in hyper-awfulness of an affair situation. It kills you. Your mistake will not be seen by him as a mistake. It will be seen as a catastrophic life ending event.

You are right about OM. He is a selfish, self-absorbed person who probably doesn't like women much, and gets off on the forbidden and exciting. My H said 'I never loved her/it didn't mean anything/I used to say things to access her '. So he used her.

Well, does that make it better, me happy? No, it adds to my anguish because it tells me what sort of a person I married. I am working really hard on my issues now, which are: why did you find such a person 'understandable'? It tells me what my depression has been founded on (denied loneliness), it tells me my marriage has never been what I thought it was (full of love), but a lot of co dependency on my side. His issues are his issues.

Don't tell. Work really hard on yourself, and your issues, commit to your marriage, and if he won't meet you half way, then leave. But don't break his heart and disillusion him about life and love. It isn't necessary.

That sounds like good news OP. Good luck with breaking the cycle.

Wobbly, I'm genuinely puzzled by what you say, having seen your other posts. Would you really rather not know that you are married to someone you've said has now been diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a diagnosis that as I understand it, would never have come about had it not been for your discovery? Is that because you feel a pressure to leave him and don't want /can't find the courage, to? And if you didn't know, you'd feel no such pressure?

I'm confused about why you see infidelity as being worse than living with someone who behaved terribly towards you, without you ever knowing why? Or worse than exposing any children you have, to life with a narcissistic father?

Do you resent being given a choice?

I think all this guilt and handwringing is pointless. It makes you feel bad being in this situation - so stop. Just stop. Ditch the OM. Have some time thinking about what you need and want. Don't muck your poor DH about any more.

Omg I'm so sorry .

This is what I was saying. I really can't understand how the OP loves her dh. I am sure that she believes that she does but when you love someone, really love them, hurting them is the last thing you would do.

What is your definition of love OP? Is it respect, honesty, trust, laughter, intimacy, communication, attraction? These are some of the things which make that one person mean more to you than anyone else.

When you are actually planning, lying, cheating and sneaking around behind that person's back you are making a choice to do that. It doesn't happen by accident. And if your 'love' for your dh doesn't stop you doing that then you do have to question whether that love is really there.

If you settle for less, you will never be truly happy and may cheat on him again. You need to be honest with yourself first, then with him.

You tell dh.so he can decide whether he wants to stay with someone who is as self centered and duplicitous as to fuck about behind his back like you do

Thank god you have no children with your husband

Does it not bother you that you are literally an accommodating hole for the other man. He gets his jollies from his partner and you?