having an affair, need to stop but don't know how

[howdiditcometothis12]

The title says it all really. I know that many people post on threads here about their DH/DW having an affair, so I apologise if I offend or upset anyone, it isn't intended. I suppose I would like to hear from women who have been in a similar situation and how they handled it, but all views are welcome. I'm prepared for a complete flaming, I know I deserve it. Everything is just such a mess at the moment, I'm confused and I feel sick.

DH & I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. We're both 30 years old and we have no children. Our relationship is generally good, but we miss out on a lot of quality time together as we work opposite shifts. This can mean that we're sometimes quite moody with one another due to tiredness and our sex life is affected, sometimes we can go months without having sex. I also miss affection, DH freely says that hes not a naturally 'touchy feely' person, but I am. Despite this, DH is kind, sweet and funny and I love him. I would never leave him and not a day goes by that I ever regret marrying him.

About 2 years ago I moved to a new department at work. OM already worked there. We just had a normal working relationship. However about 8 months ago we were paired up for a work project and had to spend many hours in one another's company. We ended up becoming close friends, but as we opened up to one another, I found myself becoming attracted to him and we were quite flirty with each other. I know I should have stopped it there and then but I honestly thought that it was just a silly crush, two friends mucking about, and that it would all stop once the work project was over. Once it finished and the intense daily contact was over, I thought I was right. But then about four months ago we had a work do, at the end of the night there was just me and OM left and we ended up kissing, then I went home (alone). I was mortified the next day and swore to myself nothing would happen again. But within a few weeks there had been another kissing incident, then another time we ended up having sex. I should have seen it coming really. The guilt was awful and I was disgusted in myself. I decided not to confess to DH as I know he'd leave me immediately, and I thought that the terrible guilt was punishment enough. I also promised myself that I'd never be so stupid to let myself get into a situation like this again.

Fast forward to now, and you've guessed it, I'm having a full blown affair with this man. We don't contact each other at home in case our partners are around and so keep contact to work only, but arrange to meet about once a week for sex. I'm ashamed to say that I like the attention, the ego boost and the sex. I tell myself that every time is the last time but it never is. He's like a magnet that I can't stay away from. I can't believe that my life has come to this, I've never strayed before and am usually so shy and reserved, people who know me would be horrified if they knew. It feels like OM has brought out a side to me that I never knew existed and I have no idea who I am anymore. Its not all good though, I'm painfully aware that OM is just using me for sex, he has no emotions involved at all. This hurts, but he's never lied to me or tried to make out that its something its not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want it to stop, I want to get my relationship with DH back to how it was. It would be easier to cut all ties with OM if we didn't work together but there is no chance of moving jobs in my industry at the moment. I keep telling him its over but then I am weak and I go back. I don't know how to change this.

How do I live with DH knowing what I've done? Do I confess? He would definitely leave me if he knew and my world would fall apart. But then thats my own doing isn't it? Maybe its what I deserve.

OP, good that you've made the decision to stop the affair, if you're the last in a long line, the OM knows you'll end it eventually, or he'll get bored and have to find a way to end it.

Your colleagues will know, people pick up on these things, even if they don't know you're shagging, they'll know you're "too close". When you end it, don't be surprised if you're asked if you've "fallen out with him" "had a row" "something going on?" as people will pick up on that too. Be prepared to have answers. If he's known to have a number of affairs, once this one ends, he might be more inclined to admit to colleagues that you have been sleeping together (as he's not got as much to lose now, it's not like you could get mad and dump him for talking if you already have). Find a new job might not be easy, but start looking - long term you'll need to move, when people know about affairs at work, as sexist as it is, the woman is the one who's reputation suffers, if anyone senior hears about it you'll not be taken seriously regardless of how great your work is. You will be seen as a bit of a joke.

Re your DH, I wouldn't tell unless you want to end your marriage. You'll have to find ways to deal with the guilt. Your DH will know something is up. In a way the two relationships are separate issues, are you sure your DH isn't just someone you're with becuase it's 'safe' or do you love him? Is he 'enough' for you? You obviously fell for the flattery and attention from another man, that would suggest that either your DH isn't giving you enough affection, or that you are the sort of person who's a sucker for attention, if so, you need to recognise that and work out how you're going to stop yourself in the future.

I wouldn't tell my friend, if you need to talk, book some counselling sessions. It's not fair to burden someone with that knowledge when in a few months time you're going to expect them to be able to sit in your home having dinner with you, and chat nicely with your DH knowing that you've cheated on him. If you discuss it with anyone, they have to be someone who won't be DH's friend/spending time with your DH socially. It's not fair on them, and runs the risk of them having a few drinks and telling your DH. (They might not, but you'll never be able to relax when they are in the same room as your DH ever again, that'll kill your friendship.)

Tell dh.in case he thinks your the one
Before children
You need to be honest with him,so he can make an informed choice
And frankly you don't love dh and certainly dont respect him.because if you did you wouldn't be fucking the work colleague

oh, and as for 'how' to end it, tell him you want to focus on your marriage and you have to end it with him. Be nice, ask him to 'help you' by allowing it to end. Don't be nasty, do'nt call names, don't tell him any home truths, you can't afford for him to be pissed off with you. Unless you are able to resign on Monday, you need things to end as politely as possible as you're going to have to work with him again in the future (or at least in the same office, with people who will rate his opinion and believe him if he says you're a bit shit at your job).

Affairs at work - you can fuck up your marriage and your career at the same time, you risk losing everything if you don't handle the next few days carefully.

I wouldn't anticipate any angst from om about ending it
You were really just an accommodating partner,a fuckbuddie

If you have any dignity you tell him.

oh, hang on, you dont.

Good luck OP. This thread seems to have helped you work through all this. I hope you find a helpful counsellor, who can help you decide whether to tell or not to tell your husband. You won't be judged or called names by them. I wish you well.

Good luck?why?
Good luck concealing duplicity?
Would a male shagger receive such goodwill
I don't think so

Why need a counselor to stop her opening her fanjo to every tom dick and harry paying her compliments? Why "good luck"? Luck has nothing to do with it.

I agree with scottishmummy. He won't kick off. He might try to talk you out of it as have the sex on the side gives him a nice thrill, but I doubt he will want to make any drama.

Firstly are you using protection?

secondly, change your number? thats one way to end it.

Because I think she regrets the mess she's got herself into and does not want to cause any further harm. And, whilst I recognise that her actions have been selfish adn would cause dreadful pain to her DH, I imagine the constant guilt and keeping the truth from her DH is causing her a lot of pain too.

I also think that if the OP ends the affair for good, and does not disclose the episode to her DH, then they could still have a good marriage. Why let a dozen or so shags ruin a potential lifetime? Maybe if OP works through the reasons why she had the affair in the first place and faces up to them, she may well preserve the relationship.

Why kick somebody when she is down? SHe knows she's fucked up. She can't undo the past.

Quintessentialy I find your comments offensive and misogynistic. She is not having sex with every tom dick and harry.

Scottish, yes, if a male shagger deeply regretted his actions and desperately and sincerely sought to remedy them, then i would wish him good luck.
What would you do? Hang him?

What woolly huggy rubbish
She has behaved appallingly and doesnt need her self worth bolstered,she needs to take responsibility for her lies and shagging

Well, I think it is pretty offensive and misogynistic to suggest that the op continue to deceive her husband and build their relationship on lies and deception. What if he finds out a few years down the line, when maybe they have children? What then? What fresh hell will then break out?

And, I do subscribe to the belief that once a cheat, always a cheat, because the moral standing to be faithful just isn't there. If she and her dh had decided together that monogamy was not for them, and that they wanted to have an open marriage, it would be a different thing. It is not fair that the OP has an open marriage, against the husbands knowledge.

Appalling to suggest she lies to her dh
So shagger op can minimize her actions, whilst her dh presumably believes
His wife to be faithful.and he builds a present and future thats based upon lies

You need to tell him. If you are so sure he would leave, then that's what you deserve, you went into this knowing this was his feelings towards an affair, but you did it anyway.
I think it's very unfair on your dh to pretend it never happened, and never tell him. He has a right to know.

Ok i will probably be shot for the next few comments but here goes.

Something is wrong with your marriage, your obviously needing the affection you are craving from your hubby.
I dont think you should tell him but i do believe you have a duty to stop the affair and talk to your hubby about how you wish to be closer to him.
Is there a way to change your shifts to make sure you two get quality time together?
Sounds to me like your angry with your hubby for not being more affectionate but the reality is your both not allowing it to happen.
I may sound stupid here but when you first start a relationship its so loving and affectionate and then suddenly it stops and it can leave you feeling so awfully lonely at times. I do not agree with cheating but i do understand the needing some love and affection.

Scottishmummy, I don't think OM will be overly dramatic, but as she works with him, if she pisses him off he could make things hard for her at work.

Tonight over dinner I had this conversation with my DH.
Me: DH we've been having a crap time lately, our business has collapsed in the recession, we have no money, I'm a bit hacked off and we never have any fun any more. But I'll never look elsewhere from you. I love you.
DH: Same for me here. Sorry it's been so crap lately but you can count on me
Me: OK
DH: OK

OP, a bit bored, basically, doesn't cut it, if you love someone. Look at the whole scenario and make a mature decision based on where you are. When you're in a good place, you can put up with a lot TOGETHER.

Rosie, that conversation should be had before she started having sex with another man, think it way passed that IMO.

Rosie,op unfaithful and it's her responsibility. Not her dh
If op needs affirmation or attention,there are more orthodox ways to get it.than getting knickers off with work colleague

EVERYONE in work will know .. there's a guy in my work who left his wife over Christmas as he doesn't love her anymore when I asked if there was an OW he denied all and yet I spotted him and a girl from work just sitting that bit too close together at a night out in April and they were spotted by others snogging in Dec .. for me it was quite obvious that something was going on

BTW My STBX had an affair with someone from work .. I suspected from April and he denied all and was still having sex with me ... I know where she lives and am still considering letting her husband know as athough I kicked him out she is still with her husband and STBX is expecting her to leave tp be with him at some point ... someone may do the same to you

I am interested - what would you do if his wife found out and kicked him out - would you leave your DH?

make your own mind up ,it is your life / mess , next q. no joke> do u talk in your sleep ? hope not.trouble with deceit, it always !!! has 2 b remembered! it is exhausting . i know i tried it a long long time ago, with depressingly typical outcome.

Good points, Hatty. I will get back to you when I have the answers. In about .... 2 years time????

(This is such a struggle).

Remember there is malignant N, and also as a defense to a wound. Should he be kicked right into touch for the second? I don't know this answer!

quintessentialy - just to be clear, I am not sleeping with "every tom dick and harry" I have never been unfaithful in my life until now, it is with one person, and I want to end this and work at my marriage. Also "once a cheat, always a cheat" - I disagree. I mean it when I say that this will never happen again. Yes, I've fucked up, but to imply that I would have sex with just about any man who looks at me behind my husband's back is both offensive and untrue.

maybelater no I don't talk in my sleep?

liarswife if OM's wife found out and kicked him out, no I would not leave my DH.

To those of you who say that none of this has anything to do with DH - absolutely. This is my doing, choices I've made. None of it is his fault. Like I've said previously, I should have talked through any issues I had with DH, but I didn't and chose to seek comfort elsewhere. This sorry mess I am now in is the result of that.

Tell dh.let him decide with all the information
You want to continue to deceive,keeping him ad the just in case guy
Of course you don't want to tell,that would cause you aggro
You talk a good game about responsibility etc,but push comes to shuve and you want to conceal your shagging.and keep your dh in dark,maintain him as the back up plan