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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/02/2012 19:29

Good luck with work Brew

geniuswater · 05/02/2012 21:00

I really don't have anything useful to add, but I just want to say wow! You sound like an amazing Mum, your little boy and your bump are so blessed. You are dealing with what must be a terribly painful situation, with such dignity and I am in awe. God Bless you and your lo's xx Bear

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/02/2012 21:08

It's good to know you have some support from his side of the family and that your DS wont miss out on his family.

It is hard for friends, but all you can do is keep telling them you don't expect them to 'choose sides' and that you don't want to lose them as friends.

I am sure it will be fine at work tomorrow - try to have a think about what your ideal 'phased' return would be and aim for that.

Don't feel you have to respond to everyone individually - that becomes too much of a chore! Just let us know how you are getting on.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2012 21:08

good luck tomorrow

you will be fine, I feel it in my water

jus be your wonderful self

Lovethesea · 05/02/2012 21:25

Thinking of you. Just getting up in the morning can be an act of immense courage when you have so much to face.

Your son and your baby will be so proud of you when they get older and understand.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 06/02/2012 07:17

morning all... have been up since 6am and am about to do the first nursery run since december. Worried about him settling but got everything crossed today goes well. Thank you for all the encouragement!

Not a peep from H since Saturday which is a relief, nice not to have to worry about his feelings today :)

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 06/02/2012 07:23

Good luck with work today- You don't have to give anyone more detail that you want to. So glad RL friends and family are around.

owlelf · 06/02/2012 07:25

Cheering you on today choco. Fake it if you need to.......

Abitwobblynow · 06/02/2012 07:57

How did he react when he got caught?

How did you know?

Did he move out straight away? Has he gone to OW? Where is he now?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 06/02/2012 08:36

well that was horrible :( DS was hysterical about being left at nursery. I know they deal with it all the time, but god it was awful leaving him. Gonna have to reapply my face before work. I hate seeing him so scared about leaving me, he was such a confident little boy before all this crap. But yesterday he just sat by the front door sobbing for daddy until I took him out and distracted him shopping, and if I so much as go to the loo without him he's freaking out about me not coming back right now. I know it's to be expected as there has been so much change going on but I really hope he bounces back soon :(

wobbly - he tried to lie about it, then claimed he had been 'trying to make it better' by agreeing to marriage counselling. He left his email account open on my laptop homepage, the first about 20 emails were from her linking to properties for them to view together, with replies like 'I'm so horny' from him. I threw him out the same night. I don't know where he is now, and don't care to ask. All I give a damn about is him seeing DS regularly and reliably so that he stays in contact with his dad.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 06/02/2012 08:44

choco it will get better. It will get better. It is horrible leaving an upset child but he will be OK.

gettingeasier · 06/02/2012 09:01

Choco thats so awful the way you found out Sad your H sounds like a monster

Good luck at work today , its another baby step which |I know you will get under your belt

OnlyWantsOne · 06/02/2012 09:17

Choco I've read this whole thread and I'm so disturbed by it all on your behalf. Your husband is a complete an utter fucking bastard. Words don't really describe how gut wrenchingly terrible he has behaved towards you and dcs.

Im glad you have got some RL support from friends and work. That is so important.

Keep on keeping the diary. I suggest you try to sort your self out some protection financially and emotionally. You don't have to speak to his father. You don't even have to see h at all you know. Is there anyone else that could facilitate contact on your behalf?

Don't let him unilaterally dictate to you what will happen. He doesn't deserve any choice. Its Only your DC that deserve any thing at all.

What's the earliest you can go on mat leave and sell your property?

Your DC will recover from this.

My ex did some thing very similar when dd was 16 months old.

Oh the Hurt he caused me. I still hate him.

Feel free to lay down some rules for contact. I would stipulate he doesn't introduce his whore to your son. That will probably really confuse him and won't help him at all. If your H chooses to ignore you I would suggest you invite him to take you to court. Don't let him trample over you.

Wtf you didn't deserve an apology about what HE has done? What a cock. And she is a total cunt.

Keep posting on here lovely Smile you're doing much better than I did x

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 10:08

hope you are getting on ok at work now

try not to worry too much about ds

all the upheaval recently and the fact he has been out of his usual routine for a few weeks will have unsettled him

get him back into his usual day to day things and he will be ok, time will make it ok x

Original poster
chocoraisin · 06/02/2012 16:16

work was ok. For a few hours I almost felt normal, and they are going to help me put some flexible working in place to cope while my pregnancy issues (PGP) and home situation are so awful. I am glad I went in, but coming home to the flat I feel low and lonely all over again. I am so tired and I just want to quit but I am trying to be strong. I miss having someone to help, to talk to, to lean on. I am worried I'll bump into them together now I'm back in this town... I don't trust him not to bring the OW to his contact this week. I feel so out of control and upset - I thought I would cope but I just don't know. It's so hard :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 16:21

awww Sad

but you know what ? You are coping. You are.

gettingeasier · 06/02/2012 16:54

AF is right you are coping, already you have had a few "normal" hours today.

There is no escaping the fact that these next few weeks are going to have many many low points but you will get through - no doubt about it

Come on post later if you can about how you are feeling there are lots of us who understand , although maybe not quite this scale of vileness your H has displayed. Keep letting it out

AlexTasha · 06/02/2012 17:09

That is really horrible. You poor thing, what a complete prick. :(

candytuft63 · 06/02/2012 17:19

Dear Choco
Just wanted to say.
Well done, you.
You will be fine, I promise.((((hugs))))

owlelf · 06/02/2012 22:15

It is really hard Choco but you are doing brilliantly. The next few weeks will be tough but you will make it through. Feeling sad sometimes is part of the journey. I think that sometimes you have to let yourself feel the sad feelings (disclaimer- this is just my own opinion) in order to move on.

Glad to hear work are being flexible.

It must be very stressful to think you could bump into ex and other woman. It's probably highly unlikely but they are the ones who should be cringing with shame at their terrible behaviour. If you see them keep your head high and make a fast exit.

I don't know what to suggest about stopping ex from having whore present during contact time. I don't know whether you can prevent this. If he allows this to happen he will be making a clear statement that he isn't putting the feelings of his son first.

Wishing you a peaceful night.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 22:18

how you feeling this evening choco ?

drasticpark · 07/02/2012 08:30

Good morning lovely choco. I sincerely hope you don't bump into this skanky pair of lowlifes. But just remember that their relationship is now under a huge pressure so life is definitely not a bed of roses for them. Everybody they know will be highly disapproving of what they have done and because it is now out in the open the element of clandestine secrecy has gone and with it the excitement that has carried them thus far. If she does have contact with your ds she will soon tire of the demands of a 17 month old and he is young enough to be oblivious to the significance of the situation. YOU are now a huge threat to the OW. She will, at some point, be terrified that he will want to come back to you. Detach yourself from their pathetic soap opera but take a little bit of power for yourself with the knowledge that sooner or later they will come unstuck and you will be able to hold your head high as you step over them in the gutter.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 07/02/2012 08:33

good morning everyone. Thanks for thinking of me, sorry I didn't post last night. I spent the evening writing a letter to H to read to him at our counselling session booked for Friday. I want to be sure that (if I go) I only say what I want to say - that the emotions don't overwhelm me when he's sat there listening. It might be the only chance I have to tell him what this whole mess has meant to me so I wanted to get it right.

I can't remember if I said before but he agreed to go to a relate session with me to talk about the impact of the affair before we continue dealing with all the 'coparenting' stuff... I have been split about going ever since. Part of me wants to have the chance to be listened to properly, and I know it won't ever happen again. But part of me thinks it's a huge waste of time and I shouldn't give him another venue to hurt me (when we went last time it was for marriage counselling, and he just spent an hour saying how unattractive he found me etc. Maybe this time the tables will be turned?). Still, nobody will chain me to the chair. I guess if I don't like it I can leave.

DS slept great last night, I think nursery tired him out! He's gone in much more chilled today, still some tears but we took his comforter and a dummy today and I didn't hang around letting him work himself up.

Thanks for your support guys, I hope you all have a lovely day today x

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 07/02/2012 08:35

that about summarises what I was going to say in my letter lol

OP posts:
drasticpark · 07/02/2012 08:58

Choco, if you spend the time telling him he's an absolute piece of shit he will switch off. He can't afford to believe that because if he actually accepts what he's done he will not be able to live with himself. He is still living in a fantasy. As far as he is concerned he and OW are star crossed lovers, the next Richard Burton and ElLizabeth Taylor. They couldn't help themselves, it was out of their hands, the pull too strong, blah blah blah.
IF you go, tell him that you are devastated by what has happened but happy to have two gorgeous dc and that you will give yourself time to heal then look forward to your new life with your children. Reassure him that you still have faith in the human race and that one day you would like to re-marry, have more kids and be happy again.
Don't mention OW. It will make him very defensive. And anyway, she is irrelevant. Utterly and totally irrelevant.