how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP I think are truly amazing. Hope you get a half decent night sleep. x

Glad you have a plan. Baby steps is a really good approach, then one day in the future you will realise you've made some strides without even realising it.

Sleep well.

You poor darling. You are better than that cretinous cock-led bastard ever deserved. Sorry but his actions are barely human. Don't know where you are but you'd be welcome to my house anytime and dd would love bossing your ds whilst my ds would begin hero worship of a walking boy.

You are incredibly strong and will bring up a man, maybe two, who will understand how to love and respect their partners in ways their father never could.

Sleep well.

You are brilliant :)

I am glad your Mum is coming for a few days, that'll be something to look forward to and will help you through the next few days.

Keep all of his texts/emails/messages etc wont you - you never know when they will come in handy BUT you don't have to reply to any of them, just ignore them if you can.

I hope you get some decent sleep tonight - that will certainly help!

(Is your SIL your brothers wife or his Sis or Bro's sis?)

Just wanted to add my support to you chocoraisin, think you are doing amazingly well, you are a fab mum to both your babies. Keep going, we are all right behind you, willing you on through each day, and night.

Must dust tomorrow, I too am suffering from unusually blinky eyes ...

Chocoraisin, you are handling this hideous situation with so much dignity and class.
Wishing you and your little lad a restful night.
There are a lot of people supporting you. Your ex is a prick. You will find someone else worthy of you.
xx

Hi choco, just wanted to check in and lend my support too. You sound like a wonderfully strong and intelligent woman who has been betrayed by someone who so clearly doesn't deserve you :(

Having a young DS myself, can I say your descriptions of your son have brought me to tears - he sounds absolutely beautiful and lucky to have such a loving, thoughtful and affectionate mother to keep him safe and happy. Take your strength from him, too.

I hope the coming days go well for you, please keep updating x

Glad you have plans for today Choco - hope they dont get snowed off !

Just to say you may find that whilst he doesnt deserve space in your head he will probably be there for some time to come . There is a lot that needs to be processed here and its normal to be thinking about him / this situation constantly in the early days , I think its better to face everything you can full on and begin healing. Someone said to me you cant go around it you have to go through it.

Gradually you will find the nature of your thoughts change and it becomes more analytical and less emotionally charged, a text that may have set your head whirling for an hour becomes a 10 second eye roll.

Perhaps you will flake in a week but remember baby steps , dont worry about next week now just deal with today.

I'm not usually a frequenter of the Relationships board, but I couldn't read your thread and not comment.

You are behaving with dignity. Your children are lucky to have you as their mum. I am full of admiration for you, and very, very sorry that you have to deal with this. I do believe you will get there and things will be better. I hope it happens soon.

Be kind to yourself.

Hope you are ok this morning - take care x

Choco, just another message of support and admiration for your strength. Your posts are eloquent, bright and insightful. I think you can get through this and be happier on the other side without this idiot.

On the practical side, try as much as you can to remain really physically healthy - force yourself to eat loads of veg and go for walks with little DS. Really important for your mental well being. Also, is there anything you can do to change the feel of your flat a bit - even something as simple as moving where the bed is/taking up or putting down some pictures. Just to make things at home feel slightly fresh and different. I dont mean any if that to be patronising, im just crap at looking after myself when going through a crisis and it does multiply problems.

Best of luck.

choco have just read your thread and wanted to send support. I have not been in this situation but if I ever am I hope I handle it with half the grace and dignity and courage you are showing. Your DS and baby-on-the-way are very very lucky to have you as their mother. Keep on getting through each day and I believe your pain will ease.

good morning everyone :) gosh I feel really blessed that there is so much encouragement coming my way! thank you so much for the messages of support. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm doing ok this morning. DS slept through other than one little squeak at around 11pm, hurrah! Sleep really helps so much. He's boogying to the Tweenies right now while I make a quick shopping list.

Chipping the SILs are all H's sisters (he has 4!) I'm in contact with two of them at the moment, who have been simply brilliant. My two sisters have also been lovely, and I am really glad to have such fab family. It has made me feel tremendously better that DS won't miss out on all his cousins/aunties and uncles (10 cousins!) on H's side, no matter what.

We're going to do a little trip to the co-op in a bit before Church - no snow here after all, just freezing sleety rain, but its stopped now. Hopefully it's open before 10. I'm glad I've got a friend coming to see us today, I've just realised how messy everything is so hopefully she can play with DS for a bit while I do a proper clean... My cold doesn't seem quite so bad today either so hopefully it'll be gone in a day or two.

HandMini I've made a point of breakfast today... you are right, I need to keep looking after myself. It's good to be reminded x

Great choco glad you feel on form

choco I have only just seen your thread for the first time. I've nothing special to add to what's already been said but I wanted to add my voice to your cheering squad. You are clearly doing brilliantly, you seem very strong and your DS sounds delightful. I hope you have a good Sunday.

Hurray for a full night's sleep :)

It makes such a difference.

Great that your Mum is coming and you have plans for today.

You're doing so well :)

hey choco i,m lying here in my bed on my own while my kids are on contact weekend with their dad and i,ve just read your post from start to finish.........you sound amazing.........not sure if i can b any help but just wanted to say hello and post a few of my thoughts.........i,m three years down the line and while my ex didnt treat me as disgracefully as yours i did have a rough time-mine was ea so it took me a long long time to acknowledge it-so i have a little bit of an idea of where your at....

the fake it to you make it motto was mine for a long time...i used to get up on auto pilot every morning and say to myself today i,m going to feed clean play and make my kids smile even though i want to lie down and give up...it was so so hard but you know it did work.....every day was incredibly hard but i kept on doing it and eventually it got easier and easier and then i wasnt faking it any more....

now my kids are a bit older and i can talk to my very sensible daughter....she remembers that time as one when she felt very loved and secure....shes happy with her life and happy that i,m moving on...she even told her little bro the other day 'mums entitled to have a life of her own'

it does get easier and its true what doesnt kill us makes us stronger......i still have a long way to go-divorce starting nxt month-but we will get there......

i,m really not sure if i,m being any help so i,m going to stop waffling but i just wanted you to know that i,m thinking bout u as you fake it til you make it.....xxxoooo

So glad you've got an amazing cheer squad!! Sounds like your H's family are going to be a tower of strength for you! As well as your own!

Good luck for this next week! Remember to fake it until you make it!!

choco you are doing amazing and you are such a strong mum to be coping with all this.

I too was left at 5 months pregnant by a fcukwit that I didn't realise at the time was a total twant.

Work did keep me distracted as around other people...going on sick leave or mat leave I would have gone under as on my own to dwell etc...

I used to go to carboot sales (got hooked:)) to keep weekends busy and picked up a as new cot for £10 and lots of other bargins!

Grab company and help esp as you have a lovely lil un too....and as others said get your love and hugs from ds at night esp.

However I would advise as soon as you go on mat leave to go to your mums...as the time off or time without people to talk to in RL (esp when your support network are in work in day) you could go down hill and nothing better than change of environment and pampering by your mum:)

If you can get SIL to drop ds off for contact and agree set time/day ie Sat 10-4 etc you will not need to have contact with the twunt as he is trying to turn it around as they all do!

Please see a solicitor for advice and also log the texts with solictor if you use them incase you lose them.

I never let my ex come to birth and see ds for first 6 weeks as it was important I bonded with ds and felt 'secure' as it is a vuln time. So you take time and call the shots sweetie as thinging of your unborn at this moment in time involves 100% thinking of yourself.....no court etc would fault you for that.

You are about 99% stronger than I was...and I got through it (just). On ex's birthday he phoned me and said 'I'm having a better birthday than last year with my GF and parents' I was 7.5 months pregnant and it was year to day my brother died (so ex knew he was doing max damage)....I held a bread knife to my stomach that night to kill me and my unborn baby ....it was the lowest I had ever felt and now ashamed I ever even thought never mind try too...I didn't want to carry on at that point. Protect yourself from this shathead and don't let him hurt you any further even if it means no contact until you have met and and bonded with baby. Stay strong (((HUGS)))

Please be strong almost the same happend to my mother and I when was a child. M left D and despite a few tough moments it was the best decision for her. She is happy, he spent a lot of lonely and sad years. Get him out of your life for good. xx

ps speak to your midwife...they can get you counselling or call on you to check baby more often...I nearly lost my ds at 38wks over the stress as ex was really abusive fcuking me around...I cut contact after then as couldn't cope with the abuse until ds was 6 wks old....please protect you and your precious one as when your baby is born the love you will feel will not compare to the smuck!

Choco, your thread has really touched me :(
Wishing you all the best and continuing strength, you are a fabulous person and your DCs are lucky to have you xx

Just wanted to add my voice to those saying how proud you should be of yourself - your dignity and self-respect is amazing and the love you have for your son is self-evident.

I would second the advice to go to your GP/midwife - book a double appt so you're not rushed and chat through it with them. They may be able to assist in ways you hadn't thought of plus make sure you get the financial assistance you need (do they still do the health in pg grant?)

Is there anyone at work you could have a quiet word with? I don't know what you do but I'm sure my boss would bend over backwards to help me out in a situation like this.

It's great that your SILs (and MIL?) are on your side as well. I hope that if my ds were ever such a twunt [shudder] then I would have the sensibility to support his wife. What have they said about him? Are they willing to do drop offs for you?

Hi, just wanted to add my support too. I have read through the thread and am in awe of your strength and wisdom in how you are dealing with the situation.
Try to carry on taking it one step at a time, concentrating on you and dc.
My dad left when we were little, ran off with his secretary as they do (!), and my Mum coped much like you are. It must have been so hard for her, but we were never aware of the problems.
Now I am grown with my own dc I can fully understand how it must have been and am so in awe of her always.
The same goes for you, you are looking in the right direction and concentrating on the right things.

Lean on friends and family now, they would all want you too, as I am sure you would if situation was reversed.
Xx

hello everyone, thank you for all the messages - I want to reply to each one properly but DS is being a pickle and I have so much to do before work tomorrow. I'm a bit scared of going in as I've not been in since the week before Christmas and I have no idea what to expect. My boss is great and knows the bare bones of it, and I've been given a phased return but we have a meeting scheduled first thing to discuss how that will work... I don't really know what to say but I hope it will be ok.

Just briefly though today has been ok, we've made it through. Some very close mutual friends of mine and H visited today and the bloke is seeing H tonight, while I see his W. I think it's really hard for other people to see us while this is going on, I don't want to make people choose and it's not up to me to say people should or shouldn't get on with him... but yeah, I feel really bad for my friends bloke tonight. He clearly feels so uncomfortable about still being there for H but actually I'm glad that someone who will tell him the truth is still willing to see him.

Gah, DS is crying. What a palaver. I'll be back... hugs to you all. And especially thank you to the posters telling me about their childhoods/lives, it really touches me and helps me to know you can get through it, thank you so much x