how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Choco I know it doesn't seem like it to you right now but you are just as much a unique, wonderful, special human being as you have ever been. You are a loving, warm, loveable, kind and valuable person. No words or actions from anyone else can ever change that.

You cannot control what anyone else does. Your H can act as badly as he likes, he can say whatever suits him, he can reinvent history whenever he opens his mouth. And much as it makes me want to scream on your behalf there is nothing you can do about it.

You need to be strong now and reinforce your own memories of what you know the truth to have been. Don't let your H trample over your truths in his search of a story he can live with.

In some of your earlier posts in this thread you talked about focusing on what you could control and about letting go of the anger to release yourself from the pain, not him. That is your biggest challenge now but I have no doubt that you will rise to it.

You can and will come through this. And you will be stronger for it.

Please don't send the email ... You will never get any satisfacton from it...

Time to go back to being detatched .. Speak to him as you must on Friday for the handover .. be civil but to the point

You have seen today that he is living in a fantasy where the past and present do not have any bearing on reality .. no point in trying to engage with a crazy deluded person!!!

xx

thank you for reminding me - I really needed to hear that today

((((hugs back))))

I won't send anything else - and I'll try to remember 'crazy person calling' whenever I get something from him!! thanks LW

This is all part of the 'she made me do it' script.

He is trying to justify why he had an affair and excuse himself by placing blame on you.

I suspect he has always been a selfish bastard and you excused his behaviour or ignored it because you were so busy being a good wife and mum.

Dont let him bring doubt into your mind - no matter what you said or did the outcome would still be the same.

You deserve better and WILL get better in the future.

I would keep all contact from now on about your beautiful boys and steer clear or personal stuff unless you absolutely have to.

oops X posts.

Any way you can ask your mum/dad to do handover on Friday? Or drop little one at his mums house?

I'm so sorry, choco. I so admire your dignity. I think in your draft you are being too acquiescent to his version!

Personally If it were me I would say, 'I understand you need to redefine our marriage and me that way in order to cope with the pain and destruction you've caused. I understand that narrative is important for you and your new relationship in order to make sense of your deception and a belief in your future. My view on that is not important to you and I know you will seek to impose your view on me and our marriage in order to help you believe you are best out of it. I am not going to engage in that in order to make you feel better and me feel even worse than I already do. Of course I want to parent our DCs to the best of my ability, I believe I have committed my life to doing what is best for them, offering my time, my commitment and my body. They deserve a mother who has a strong sense of truth, being supported, self-worth and mental health. You are not able to provide or enable those things, in fact with your actions and what you are saying I feel you attack them. So let's communicate as regards the children and nothing else. For the sake of me and therefore the children. I understand your needs are different but I think we can both agree that your needs are not the ones that have been ignored for some time.'

Maybe change his name on your phone to 'Crazy and Deluded' and then it will stop any further texts in their tracks?? :)

I am sitting here feeling strangely concerned about whether you have a good supply of chocolate and biscuits there Choco. I hope so, you sound like you could do with a bar of galaxy or three

Liarswife - Crazy & Deluded

My heart is literally hurting for you Choco. I can't add anything to what everyone else has said, but reiterate that he is reinventing your past so that its ok for him to have destroyed it.

You have been a normal loving wife and mum, supportive and busy and probably a bit tired. He sounds like he has been a selfish man-child because you weren't dancing around him making him feel special and loved. If that is really his excuse for being a complete twunt it is pitiful.

Wanting you to go back to Relate is probably because he wants an audience to put his 'side' across. You can vent on here and we all support you - don't waste any more of your time trying to get him to see things from your POV.

thank you so much for all your support x I've just picked up DS from nursery with a big red puffy face, they looked a bit concerned but I just said I was tired! He's gone down for a nap. No chocolate but spag bol and garlic bread cooking now.

Have had a stern word with myself... he's reading from the 'neglected and misunderstood hubby finds love' script, and I'm reading from the 'outraged abandoned and betrayed wife protects babies' script. Hardly likely they will share a mutual back story and agree is it...

Vander I LOVE your version and am tempted to copy and paste!!

no, don't copy & paste! step away from the phone and towards the garlic bread :)

By all means please do! But then I read some of the other replies above and there's great virtue in no response too. He's NEVER going to be able to give you what you deserve which is an admittance of his cruelty, his shallowness in throwing away his family and a heartfelt apology. He's always going to push back. Because his mental health is much more important to him than yours.

So the more you draw out the tit for tat point scoring the more it's going to hurt. If you feel you can send something and then delete his reply without reading it then you're strong enough. But his charade and unkindness really hurts you and detachment will always be the only way to move past that, as you must do and deserve to do.

I won't send anything. I'll stick to MN like glue today and just keep my crying to myself. If and when he brings up Relate again I will make a point of why I'm refusing then, and move on. Otherwise ignore and delete seems like the best policy.

I'm so angry with myself for sending anything this morning that opened this door. I knew it was pointless and stupid. I guess I just have to chalk it up to a lesson learned :(

Jax I have to see him at a hospital appointment for DS on friday so no getting out of it (unless he's a no-show). Otherwise I'll def get my mum to help out with the handovers for now.

good on you, choco - as you say, lesson learned. It's hard to really learn the lesson that the Ex isn't the person you thought he was. I think Vander is being pretty insightful here.

And you're being ace!

Don't be angry with yourself for sending the email choco. Be proud of yourself for seeing his response for what it is and not engaging further and letting it turn into a bun fight.

You have so very much to feel proud of yourself for.

sorry Choco, must have missed the post about little ones appointment. I hope all is ok?

Just be polite and refuse to discuss anything apart from baby/DS on Friday.

Hi Choco

Here is is something you posted on the Divorce board a few weeks ago. I hope you don't mind me including it here, but thought it might be a helpful reminder of what prize twat he really is and how his whiter-then-white woe-is-me act, really is just that. An act. You are so well rid of this vile waste of space. Chin up :)

"hi, I intend to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but if H doesn't agree (he bloody should, he's been seeing her in our house/bed!) I need to have my back up ready.

Also, we have a relate session (one off) on Friday where he has agreed to hear me out about how I feel about our relationship ending. We have one DC and one on the way together and I would like to take this opportunity to explain to him that, yes the affair was unforgivable, but I am absolutely sick to death of his unreasonable behaviour too.

Things that have been horrible to live with include:

Refusing to allow me to spend any money at all, despite me being the main wage earner. Then when family members have out of kindness, bought me gifts for the home that we 'couldn't afford', he has complained excessively about how stupid, unnecessary and materialistic these items are (blinds for the front room for example) and how selfish and controlling I am for 'changing the house' without his consent.

Refusing to allow me to meet any of his friends, and telling them I am a bitch before they meet me so that when he has seen friends in our home they have all blanked me/made it incredibly uncomfortable for me to be there

Dropping out of family occasions so that he can have parties in our house with friends while me and DS are away

Leaving DS with adults I don't know so that he can go play football instead of take care of his son.

Refused to do anything 'family' other than walk the dog, an activity that causes me pain due to a hip problem I have, so that I either accept that family time is painful, or have to opt out and stay away

Taking our DS away without me for the day with his family and refusing to allow me to come so that I 'had no excuse for not doing work' in his absence

Blaming depression for his refusal to have a sexual relationship, then claiming there is absolutely nothing wrong with him but in fact I am completely unattractive/undesirable/put on too much weight when pregnant etc (I am not overweight)

Instructing me to take the MAP when he did have sex with me, telling me he never would have done it if he'd been thinking straight/realised who he was with!!

Refusing to give birthday/anniversary gifts because they are unnecessary

Never spending time with me one-to-one and refusing to go out with me or do anything that would be seen as being part of a couple

Insisting on a gym membership for himself so he can go out most evenings and playing football 2x a week, irrespective of any family commitments

Expecting me to cover all illnesses with DS and take time off work, do all childcare on my days off whether he is available or not, despite him being a student with much more flexibility/free time

I could go on... I just don't know how to word them under typical unreasonable behaviour headings...

advice would be really gratefully received."

I hope you have very good legal advice too, try to focus on practical matters, as you can achieve something in that area IYSWIM, like a really good to-do list, how to move forward etc.

He is a bad man who has treated you badly, he doesn't deserve you at all.

:(

I have completely lost all sense of dignity today!!

Sent one last message: "That kind of utterly self-centred nonsense is exactly why I've only spoken to you about the children so far, and will only speak about the children from now on. My mistake for trying."

turned off phone so I can ignore any possible reply.

I miss the me who was so calm a few weeks ago and was letting his idiocy just happen without getting involved. I feel totally unravelled.

And reading that just makes me feel sad and stupid again... although you're right bodmin it is important to remember all that shit. No point getting rosy eyed about him now is there? Prize twunt is about all anyone can say :( Just wish I didn't feel like one for marrying him.

You are on a journey choco. This is part of the healing process. It was great that you were so calm a few weeks ago and I'm sure you'll get back there again but this is part of the process too. This is a marathon not a sprint.

You have done the very best that you could at every moment of this and you deserve neither blame nor reproach from anyone including (especially) yourself.

Be kind to yourself

more bullshit from him, more tears from me. Why oh why can't I just disengage today? I hate him and never want to see him again and still he pushed me. More fucking relate talk.

I told him no. No fucking way.

As if all I need is to hear his version of events in a reasonable way, to accept that he's a great guy? I hate everything about him. Somebody stop me from caring, or something... I can't believe how badly I've let it hurt me all over again. I just feel opened up and hollowed out inside. What was I thinking?

He's such a conceited self centred fuckwit.

I've blocked his number.

Oh Choco, please don't feel stupid, it wasn't my intention to make you feel bad at all :(

I'm sure he must have had his good points in the beginning, that WAS the man you feel in love with, he just doesn't exist any more.

It seems to me from reading your posts that you are an amazingly positive person who endeavours to always see the good in people. In what can often be a very cynical world, that is an increasingly rare trait, and should be treasured. The love you have for your son is so obvious to "see" and shines so very bright that you turned the other cheek to so many unreasonable behaviours from your twunt-of-a-H so as not to upset your precious little boy's world. I can understand this totally and thousands of women everyday put up with all kinds of shit from their own twunts in order to do the same.

As you have noted, your H conveniently forgets how you have supported him in order for him to go to Uni (and still do by shouldering all the childcare and living costs). He should be on his kness with gratitude for your sacrifices, but he is just so wrapped-up in himself he will never see it.

Please don't feel sad and stupid for marrying him, you have 2 fabulous little boys and will go on to have a happy and satisfying life, because you are a warm, caring and positive person. The same cannot be said for your twunt-of-a-H. Good - sod him. One day you will see that you are well rid and your sons will grow up to see what an amazing woman you are and realize that their father is a weak and selfish man.

You've been trying to keep a lid on your emotions for so long, the other shoe was bound to drop eventually. Don't feel bad. Draw a line underneath it all and carry on. Tomorrow is another day. :)