how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

so... talk over. Took quite a while actually, but I think it was positive... it was in the conservatory in the end (bloody rain) with no tea. Managed not to cry, but I did come close :(

H took it all in, and said he didn't actually know how to behave. Pointed out that he has 2+ hours on his motorbike here and back every week to think about how bad he fucked up, and knows nobody other than DS can stand the sight of him, but he will keep coming for DS sake and not expect anyone to forgive/forget. He said he's completely prepared to accept full responsibility which is why he doesn't try to talk about it - he thought it was obvious it was all his fault. However he also said he 'didn't have time' to respond to my emails which I completely rubbished. He gets email on his phone, he doesn't have a child to look after, and I do not for one second believe he ignores texts or emails from his 'girlfriend'. I said on that level it's simple - you don't bother to respond, they will stop.

Clearly I agreed with it all being his fault.

I said I feel taken for granted when I'm friendly in front of DS, and that our relationship as two adults is basically a pile of shite, and totally separate from how I feel about him being parent to our boys. I was very clear and explained that he can show me that he appreciates me by doing the basic things like regularly asking me for info about DS/baby and thanking me when he gets it, just as a courtesy, so that I don't feel like I'm being taken the piss out of.

I also pointed out the fact that he appears utterly remorseless. I am not a mind reader, so I suggested if that is not the case, that he find a way to show me he is sorry. (I don't care how) He needs to acknowledge how badly he has shit on my life. Especially if he expects me to somehow be ok with handing over my precious, precious babies to him and the OW. In 10 years from now I don't want to hear him slagging me off in the kitchen/at a parents evening/to our children like his dad does about his mum. He agreed that's a crap vision for the future.

Seeing as the issue of handing over my kids to them came up, I also said that they are selfish, heartless fuckwits who can't be trusted as far as I am concerned, and asked him if he would leave his kids with anyone if that was all he knew about them? He accepted not - so I think at the very least he realises that it's not all going to be rosy as and when he wants to play step families with her.

One thing he said sticks out - he said he really doesn't understand emotions, and struggles with empathy and it helps to have things spelled out for him. This definitely makes me think (as I have for some time) that there is something not quite right about him, I genuinely think possible personality disorder/aspergers spectrum type thing is likely... (and have done for some time!) I know it's not going to change anything really but at least I know for sure that I can't expect any 'normal' understanding from him (I don't mean that to sound offensive to anyone with one of those conditions, just not sure how else to put it?). If he needs me to spell out what I expect, I can do that.

If he still doesn't bother to respond with actions that show me he has listened - well, it's just bone fide fuckwittery really.

Wow, well done choco - what dignity!

Oh choco. You are amazing. He does just have no idea, does he? You made some very powerful points. It does sound as if he has an empathy bypass, whatever the reason. If you had stayed together you might have had to do a lot of facilitating his relationship with the DC's anyway.
Good to think that he has 4 hours a week to think about what a jerk he is.
How are you feeling now? You should be so proud of yourself!

You are an Angel, I would have fucking castrated him.

Remember, you just need to know you did your best by your boys. Nothing else really matters.

I know... I guess this is me doing my best.

I feel sad, and I stupidly miss him. I feel sick that they are still happily prancing off into the sunset together :(

I said he can't assume anything is obvious to me. That, if I had fucked up as badly as he has, and cost myself the opportunity to bring up my own children at home with them, I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of the mistake I'd made. I certainly wouldn't be carrying on a 'relationship' with that person. Just the simple fact that he can and does, means he is basically a stranger to me. His morals, values, attitudes to life and other people are (to me) completely fucked up.

Who knows if I'll ever be able to truly forgive and move on from this, all I can do is make sure my kids know they are loved by both of us. In time maybe I'll trust someone enough to consider falling in love again myself :(

tonight that feels unlikely.

Hi Choco - I posted a really, really long reply to you a few nights ago and bloody MN went offline - grrr.

You are doing so, so well. I am really very impressed :)

One thing about the cottage. I'm not sure what was wrong with the placement of the oven, but you can get cheap 'hob guards' for ovens that stop kids being able to touch the knobs/top and you can get special stuff to put on the side of the oven if it's too close to a door or whatever.... not sure if this helps or not.

How has DS been sleeping the past few nights??

Brava, choco - you're so very brave! Well done x

Hi chipping - thanks for the suggestion, it's a few things at the cottage really. The oven switch is above the sink and you'd need to run a wire past water, across a windowsill and the oven space is by the kitchen door... just really impractical. That combined with no parking, no upstairs loo etc... none of it on it's own is insurmountable but the landlord clearly doesn't give a crap and that is what really put me off. He won't visit the property and doesn't care if it's been put together properly. Gives me the willies thinking I'd have no-one to ask if something went wrong!

thanks black

I feel a bit poo today. Stupid really. H sent bouquets of flowers 'from DS' for me and my mum to say 'thank you for looking after me and being so brilliant'. I don't know why I did, but instinctively I text him to say thank you, and signed off with a x. I feel really :( now and like it has just knocked the stuffing out of me.

I mean, it's good that he thought about mothers day and went to the effort. But it still confuses me... if it's not right to say thanks (like it changes anything) or if I was right to be friendly, and just accept that any effort on his part is better than the pair of us being at logger heads. After all I did explicitly tell him to 'make more effort' yesterday and I guess he has - so I don't want to be churlish. But fuck me, it's still only been 10 weeks. I want to be ok, but I'm just not. :(

I have a pregnant friend coming over in an hour for cake pops and tea, so DS and I have had a nice morning making the pops and stuffing our faces decorating them nicely! Mum and dad went to my sisters today to see DNeice and DNephew, which I'm glad about. It's nice for my sister and her kids+DH to have some nana and grampa time.

Clinical Psychologist appointment tomorrow to look forward to, another hoop to jump in my quest for a c-sec. The fun never ends, does it? Hope everyone is having a lovely Mothers' Day and getting spoilt rotten with their lovely DC's - hugs x

I have just read all 32 pages of your thread and I cannot believe how strong you are being.

Just a big WOW from me too. Well done, you keep the moral high ground - but no more texts with X on the end.

Good luck tomorrow at the CP. Hope you get your c-sec.

Sorry about the house, choco :(

I think though, once the disappoinent has passed that that house served its purpose - it gave you a vision of a happy, near-term future with your boys and made you think about the steps to make it happen.

The house itself turned out, on closer inspection, to be less than it promised, but the vision you had of a small place for your family to become independent and secure is still an important, and unblemished one.

It doesn't have to be that house - the specifics that made your dream compelling were about the inhabitants and the life they could have. Those are all available elsewhere :)

As for eating a creme egg with a spoon?

I hope you are having a lovely time with your friend :)

It's a shame about the cottage - but something even better will turn up!

As for how you feel about the him sending the flowers and your text... it is good he sent the flowers (whether it was because of what you said or whether he just thought of it off his own back, it shows he either listened and/or appreciates all you do for DS, this is to be encouraged), it is good you thanked him and it's OK you ended with a x (it's habit more than anything isn't it). There are always going to be things that make you think about what could have/should have been, they remind you of how you thought life was going to be and how it should have been - it hurts like fuck :( I think you will always have your days when you thinkbut it wont that he should be there with you but it wont always hurt this much - promise x

wow Jax and alloverit I can't believe anyone would have the patience to read through this whole lot!! thanks for the encouragement :)

I'm feeling a bit more cheerful, we had half an hour at the park running off DS's energy which was fun - just managed to escape a freezing rain shower and came home to hot chocolate. My friend also managed to enthuse me about the new baby all over again, she's pregnant with twins and due just before me so we nattered about which washable nappies are best (I'm no earth mama, just a skint mama lol) and which double buggy we like, felt really nice to do normal pregnant person stuff.

She said she'll come have a girly house warming when I find my perfect place so I can look forward to a little party with some friends when the right house shows up :) you are right Athing its much more important to hold onto the vision rather than get hung up on the house itself.

x-posted with you chipping - thank you, I really hope it doesn't x

I only read your posts and skim read the advice from the others. (I can pretty much know what most of the ladies would have said anyway)

I am not eating chocolate, or cream eggs, but by god I so want to today.

Happy Mothers Day choc.....we all love you! xx

My admiration and huge respect for you continues to grow.

Hi there, Iv been following ur thread but havnt posted yet! Firstly happy mothers day. Iv unfortunately been in same position and it's really hard- I had 2 DD's at time who were very little! There now 14 & 15 and something they said to me tday made me post to you- My eldest dd has recently came out and I told her how proud of her I am- she said 'mam I am the strong confident happy person today because of YOU!!' one day in the future your boys will be the same to you!! Keep smiling I promise it gets better x

angels that made me well up... silly me!! But what a lovely, lovely reflection of all your hard work and dedication to your girls. I'm so glad they have grown up feeling happy, strong and confident. It's all I want for my boys. Thank you for reminding me today that it's not all scary and bad, its so good to hear x

I'm very glad choco u hav handled this with dignity and immense strength and you should be proud of yourself!! Don't feel bad when u miss ur STBXH as in stupid bastard hehe as there's days still that I do but as uv said before I miss the OLD HIM!! Hope today's been a good one - I promise they will soon outweigh the bad xx

Ho hope u don't mind me sending u a private message?? Just wanted to say if I can do anything at all just holla - I no what u meant about RL friends and family - if they havnt been thru it it's hard for them to understand take care x

Hi Choco
Also a lurker who feels compelled to post. A close member of my family faced what you're going through. She was pregnant with her second son when her husband left her for another woman. She has gone on to have an incredibly happy second marriage, both boys took their stepfather's name when she remarried, their choice not hers, but they wanted to keep the same name as their mum and the man they came to see as another, more reliable father! It made their dad sad, but what in all conscience could he say? You will come through this as she did. She now considers herself lucky that he left, although it was so hard at the time. You are an inspiration to all mothers today. Stay strong xx

thank you so much to all of you for posting today, I've been a whole muddle of emotions and it really means so much to know it does get better, and good things are possible in the future. angels thank you xx Ams power to your sister and what a lovely thing for them to have a fab step-dad to rely on now!

to all you lovely mummies xx

Hi Choco

I've been watching the thread too - and am so sorry the cottage turns out to be rubbish, hang on in there - there is a great house waiting for you out there, I'm sure of it. If you go through an agency you will be dealing with a better class of landlord I think, where at least the basic health and safety issues are dealt with. Good luck!

All is not scary, all is not bad - change and pain are scary and bad, but you will come out of this like a phoenix from the flames, I'm sure!
I hope you have a good Monday :)

I have read through this post over last couple of days and didn't want to read and run. I think you are amazingly strong. Both your ds will and should be incredibly proud of their mummy. As for your stxh he is unfortunately like too many dads that put their needs and desires before their children's. In the long run they will lose out cause ultimately their children will see beyond the golden hours of daddy time and when they get to pick and choose who is a regular feature in their lives daddy will not be at the top of the list. He might not be on it at all.

Hello Choco. Hope your appointment goes well today.

Shame about your little cottage, it did sound lovely, but practicality and an easy life are probably more important that country charm at the mo, so something more suitable will come along.

Well done you for having the 'big talk'. It must have been so hard for you, but so important to let him know the score.

Really felt for you when I read about H's 'lack of empathy' and him not having a clue about how to act. I have one like that and we have come perilously close to splitting up on several occasions. Maybe you should look at it like he's done you a favour, because living with someone like that is really hard work.

Saying that, the flowers yesterday were a good touch (much as I hate to say anything positive about him!) so at least he has listened to you and shown that he is capable of being thoughtful on behalf of your little DS. Once the boys are older and are able to think about buying/making you something themselves he won't need to be involved, but this year I think he has done the best he could there in an awfully hard situation (and I know you'll do the same on Father's Day, despite your feelings towards him).

When you miss him, as someone else said, just remember that you are really grieving for the old him, who doesn't exist anymore.