how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

lol I love it. I wish I would just be more like that.

ugh I don't think eating 8x pieces of rocky road has actually made me feel any better.

time for a

Love blackcurrants's letter :o

I ate 8 pieces of rocky road too. The babies must need it :)

Sorry your ex is being a dick again. He really sounds like a teenager the way he goes on with his ridiculous demands and utter inability to consider anybody else's needs.

thanks athinginyourlife, how are you doing tonight?

Didn't want to read and run

Huge hugs to you OP. Have been in a very similar position (exH had affair throughout my pregnancy, and left when DS was 7mths) and all I can say it that it WILL get better. Not immediately, but it will, I promise. And in the meantime, rely on family, friends, and chocolate biscuits - they will get you through this. Most of all, be really kind to yourself - if all you want to do is hunker down and snuggle your DS til you feel like facing things, do it.

One last piece of advice- in years to come, you will look back on this time in your life and be so proud that you came through it. Focus on doing the right thing by yourself, DS and your bump, and hold your head up high.

xx

oh god, I really want some rocky road now!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmn

Ahem. I meant: 'something supportive and not at all greedy.'
Your babies need it. I'm not pregnant any more I just bloody look it ahem.

grr just sent a pissy email to H pointing out that if he can't be bothered to keep to his side of the bargain (he didn't acknowledge the email I sent him yesterday, and was meant to send one to let me know what his plans are with DS so I can prepare his stuff, also he cancelled their skype this week) then I don't see why I should bother.

Feeling taken for granted today and cross. Not sure what good it will do but I've been stewing all week on the comment he made to his step dad about how 'fine' I am and decided I couldn't let it go entirely.

Bloody fed up.

You poor thing. Reading your thread (and some of the others) made me so mad. And sad.

Don't blame you for not being able to let it go - you're only human and sometimes its healthier to let off steam.

Pissy is good! I like Blackcurrant's approach - there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't call him up on his mistakes, especially when they impact on DS.

Maybe now that you are moving on and you've got through the initial shock, this is the time to start letting him have it with both barrels?! Call him up on every bad decision he makes and don't feel that you have to be calm and 'zen' all the time - you've done that and he's using your strength against you, as proof that he can't have done anything that bad if you're acting so reasonably.

I don't know how you've been so calm all along and, as you can tell from most of the awe-struck messages on here, most of us would have been screaming banshees from the start!

You obviously have the higher moral ground here, but that doesn't mean you can't let him know what he's done to you, if only in one extremely angry and honest outburst. Then resume normal swan-like demeanour and carry on paddling frantically under the water, while appearing to glide effortlessly through this. x

pissy is good - I'm amazed you haven't driven over there and given him a pregnant punch in the nadgers, to be honest.

you don't have to be perfect and dignified all the time. TheEpi's last paragraph is just what I was about to write.
More power to you!

I don't know if I gave him both barrels. I'm considering asking him to stick around for a chat for 5 mins tomorrow before he leaves though. I think some things are better said in person, and if I'm going to give him both barrels I'd rather not add it to the paper trail I've been keeping meticulously. It will be in the garden, without any form of refreshments offered, and to the point.

He said he didn't bother responding to my emails as he thought we could 'just chat when I see you'. This needs to be sorted. I am NOT up for cosy little chats over tea and biscuits as if nothing has happened. He is a fucking man-child, it infuriates me. But I would rather face it head on, and point out exactly why I am going to these incredible lengths to behave decently in the face of his utter c**tyness... and that it's categorically not because we are 'friends'.

Thanks for the back up everyone, god bless my cheerleaders.

ps Artesia well done for getting through this incredibly shitty trauma too - its both inspiring and depressing how many of us have had to deal with it!! Wouldn't wish it on anyone. I saw a little postcard in a tea shop the other day that made me smile... it said "sometimes on your way to a dream you get lost, and stumble upon a better one". Here's hoping the future is a better one for us both x

ooh galaxy. I just ate 2 cadbury creme eggs and feel a bit manky for it, actually, but... galaxy...

Make a (3 or 4 bullet points) list of what you want to say to Idiot H. He won't remember anything more than 2 or 3 things, (not having a go at him, no one does) and so spend a little bit of time on what you want to say, and it will help you deliver the message in the most devastating clear way possible.

mmmm cream eggs :) lovely! I eat mine with a teaspoon...

good advice blackcurrants

I'm pretty sure that floods of tears won't help much.

Apparently his mum offered to bring back DS today because he was very upset last weekend when H left. I said it was up to him but it's nice to know she's got my back and is making damn sure he hears about how hard it's been. She's a good egg, really.

:) I'm glad to hear it.

I do quite a lot of verbal presentations in my line of work and even when people are in a receptive, listening frame of mind (eg: students in my seminar group, who have actually decided to come along and learn something - the absolute opposite of your defensive, self-justifying H at the moment) they can only really process 2 or 3 new bits of information every 20-30 minutes. Hence why people break up training days with examples, discussion, role-play etc. If you have, say, five minutes to tell him some home truths - think of two or three things you want to say and decide how they link together to form a coherent narrative, get them in order, keep it simple, and let him have it. Feel free to close with "I am not interested in your excuses and I will not hear them, but nor am I going to pretend to you or anyone else that your actions haven't destroyed our family, because you have. You have destroyed our family, made DS miserable, devastated my feelings and hopes for the future and I don't know how you can ever expect to make that better. I don't know how you can sleep at night."

Then enjoy going back into the house, closing the door, and having a nice cup of tea/cuddle with your son/sobbing fit/all of the above.

just got back from second viewing of the cottage, bubble burst. Sat here sobbing.

The kitchen has been put in badly and where the cooker is isn't safe, the landlord apparently won't even consider sorting it out because he has 'spent what he intends to' on the house. This doesn't bode well for any future problems, with an attitude like that concerning safety it seems like you can basically sing for any help from him.

Feel so fucking angry and upset that I have to be dealing with this on my own. I can't afford anything else. I fucking hate my life sometimes right now :(

Bastard fucking H for putting us here. I just want to cry myself to sleep and hide from it all today - it's not fucking fair :(

(I haven't signed a tenancy or anything yet, but I did pay £97 for a references check through the agency, so I'm out of pocket nearly 100quid even if I don't take it now)

Oh choco, v sorry about the house. Would avoid that landlord though, one tosser in your life is enough! There will be something nearby for you, you will get there.

By the way, loved your line about giving him some stick: "It will be in the garden, without any form of refreshments offered, and to the point". Jane Austen-esque! You are so civilised! Take inspiration from Lady Catherine de Burgh's frosty superiority, and elizabeth bennett's righteous anger!

Or, combining the great tips of blackcurrants, give him one simple message: we are not friends, you fuckwit! If you think he could cope with two messages you could add "fuck off to the far side of fuck "!

You will see, in time, why that house passed you by. Good things will be coming along soon choco, keep going flower. x

I agree with my fellow northern posting above (eeee baah eck) - the right place will come along, you'll see. This might not be it, but it'll come.

(hugs)

Haven't read all thru the thread but even if you are in bought accomodation you can get allocated a council homeless unit if you are in a bad position. Well this is the situ in Scotland anyway, maybe worth a try if you are desperate. Could lead to something better a couple of years down the line.

So sorry about house but you don't need somewhere unsafe or even uncomfortable. It is Ok to lie down and sob.This will all get better.
I think icy rage in the garden and two to three clear points is a good strategy. Tell him that you are only civil to him because you are a mature adult. Your civility masks complete and utter contempt and loathing and you now actively look forward to a future in which he is only a bit player. And he can fuck off to the far side of fuck. And then fuck off some more.

Just spent 2 hours reading your thread. I think you're a bloody amazing person and a brilliant mum. Sorry to hear about the house

Good luck

hi everyone, thanks for the support :)

saffron, dozer and blackcurrants how's this for my 'script' for H?

Point 1) We are not friends. I am friendly simply to facilitate his relationship with DS, which is only for the benefit of DS. I do not wish to hear about his health unless it has a direct bearing on his ability to look after DS, nor about his social life. I do not consider him to be a potential future friend either, given his total lack of remorse for utterly fucking me over and were it not for DS and bean, I would have told him to fuck off to the far side of fuck (and then to fuck off some more) a long time ago.

Point 2) He is responsible for his relationship with DS and bean. I will support him with every effort he makes to maintain this, but I will not take responsibility for it myself. As a result, I will no longer email him a weekly update unless I have heard from him first about his plans for the following week, requesting to hear about DS's week. I'm not sitting down writing chatty emails about what words he's learned or how he's sleeping if he can't even be bothered to acknowledge them - if he wants to know, he must now ask, every single time. When we had our relate session I made it unequivocally clear that I was not prepared to offer him anything on a plate, and that he had to make the effort to be part of our lives. I expect him to follow through on that. If he doesn't, my efforts to involve him will stop without further discussion.

hopefully that's simple enough and to the point?

Also, I put the sobbing behind me and went and looked at a local housing estate today - there is a 2bed house with garage and garden up for rent there, and I was really impressed to realise there is a walkway through from the cul de sac, along a canal, that takes you completely on the flat to town/the local primary/nursery/the park. I'm not setting my heart on it this time, but I am definitely going to look at every single house that comes up on this estate now. It's not going to be 'country' but it's going to be practical and I now realise how much more important that is!!

onwards and upwards...

I am dead impressed, choco - by you as always, by your script and your general attitude. Great picking-yourself-up, and keep on looking at houses, you'll find the right little place. Practical can be beautiful, y'know.

And yes, go foxy lady! :)