how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Oh choco I am so angry for you, this piece of shit needs setting straight. you're trying so hard to be reasonable for your ds ' sake and having to sit and play happy families with your inlaws like it's all hunky dory and he's feeding them bollocks about how OK you are with it. He fucking well tore his family apart and your heart out cos he couldn't control his cock ffs!!
I wouldn't think twice about setting them all straight, if you never wanted to see your inlaws again it would be your perogitive, it's his job to make sure they stay in contact with your ds..seriously I am so worried you will burn yourself out keeping you up this facade of ok-ness..not sure I was helpful at all there but I am on your behalf.

Is your MIL treating you as if nothing has changed or as if you and your children are still her family?

You don't have to visit her if you don't want, but I don't think it is "ridiculous" to continue to treat your DIL as family when your son has fucked her over.

If my brother did this to SIL I know she would still be welcome at family occasions, and he would not.

I dont know... maybe I should just put down some more boundaries with his family and let him deal with the fall out. I loath that he is telling himself I'm fine but neither do I feel like opening a dialogue with him about how upset I am. All that does is open a door for him to tell me to my face/in writing his own version of events which has the potential to hurt more.

I guess its another case of detach, detach, detach.

I'll say no to MIL. Spend my energy on myself :(

Continue on the bear hunt

x-posted with you athing

I think you're right about MIL - its up to me to say yes or no, and do it kindly. XH is an entirely different entity really. :(

Oh, meant to say sorry you're in so much physical pain. Hope you get progress with getting the birth you want - stand your ground.

He will have told himself all kinds of shit, but deep down he must know what he's done . It will affect him and the rest of his life in all kinds of ways, worse even than it has affected you, even if he doesn't acknowledge it, perhaps more so if he doesn't. And other people will see through his bullshit.

Keep going, you are fab!

thanks Dozer :) spent quite a lot of today gathering together my info to take along to my next appt so I can request my c-sec with authority

I have had a good long chat with mum. Its hard, I know everyone wants the best for me and the babies, but at the moment I don't have a filter for other people's emotions. When I see MIL or DM or DF or SIL or anyone else get stressed or anxious it's hard not to feel like it's somehow my job or responsibility to 'fix' it. Ultimately I have to accept I'm not going to please everyone, sometimes I have to say no even if I sound rude. And when that happens I have to remind myself in no uncertain terms that it's H's fault, not mine, if people are upset.

I think today I got a bit overwhelmed - too many people to contend with after a week of screamy toddler nights - and I skipped the bit where I remember it's H's fault instead of feeling bad. Then went 0-60 on the whole FUCKING FUCKING FUCK YOU TOTAL FUCKWIT rantyness in my head.

Something tells me if I wasn't pregnant I'd have lost my rag a hell of a lot more over all of this. I keep holding back so as not to stress baby. In the long run that's probably going to have been a good thing

Oh choco he is a complete jerk, isn't he? You are so amazingly dignified and he interprets that as "everyone is happy". I think there will come a point where you will need to tell him that he has in fact caused significant pain and distress to you and DS. He is the one who took a perfect little family and two extended families and dropped a bomb into it all. Just bear in mind that the less you let him share your emotions the stronger you are. So it is all a contradiction.

It is good that your MIL is clearly treating you as a member of the family but you may want to draw the boundaries a bit closer. At the end of the day he is her DS and they will reconcile. Don't do anything that makes you feel worse including family socialising, if you can possibly avoid it.

DS owes you a lovely long night's sleep with no screaming. You will feel like a different person once that happens.

Good luck with the ELCS. I am sure you will get it.

Feet burning is good with pin sticking as well...

Am sure many MNetters would help with that voodoo!

Hope you get some quiet nights, here's to a new week

so... just dropping by with some good news! Nice to have something positive to report... I think I have a house!!

It's very, very cute. A two double bedroom terraced cottage in the old part of town, walking distance from most things (definitely from nursery and the local primary) and walking distance from my mums house. It's just been refurbished with brand new carpets in every room and a new kitchen :) it's proper oldschool though, downstairs (practically outside) loo, and no shower only a bath lol. But it has so much character and for a dinky little country cottage it's got a FAB south facing enclosed garden. No parking, but you can't have it all!

I'm actually a teensy bit excited about having my own wee little house! Onwards and upwards :)

Oooh, that sounds lovely :)

Being walking distance to everything is great.

Are you thinking of moving sooner than originally planned?

The house sounds very exciting Choco When can you move in???

ooh congratulations choco - sounds like the perfect dinky little house for you and your boys, specially the part where everything is in walking distance! Yay!

I hope your DS is being nice to you. Our DS (and the children of ALL my preg-friend-mothers) is being a fiend from hell. I collapse onto the sofa once he's in bed and whimper "it can't be like this for ever, can it?"
So anyway, if that's happening to you you are NOT alone, it seems to be happening to all of us! :)

Enclosed garden! I am dead jealous. Do you have a moving-in date? Hurrah for onwards and upwards!

hopefully I can 'move in' in around 4-6 weeks, which is great. The plan (if it all goes to plan, and lets face it universe, I'm owed a teeny bit of luck now surely?) is to move in my furniture, books and kitchen bits. Then spend a bit of time putting together the boys bedroom and organising white goods etc as it doesn't have a fridge or cooker or anything right now. I won't actually live live there until mid summer maybe? But what it means is that I can gradually unpack, get DS used to being there by spending the odd afternoon there right from now before baby comes. I'll get used to being there myself, and when the SPD eases off post birth we'll already be used to it and settled in.

I think we'll probably start off with me and the boys spending 2-3 nights a week there when baby is 6weeks+ and then build up to spending just 1-2nights a week at my parents (to stave off utter exhaustion and keep close to support) before leaving mum and dads for good. Which is why it's amazing that it is only 10-15 mins walk from mums. We will still be sticking with the original plan to be with mum and dad for roughly six months, but it's been about 5 weeks already and houses like this don't come up very often. The rent is so low that it would all be covered by HB if I need to go down that road in the future, and the landlord is fine with HB and children (uber rare here). Also, I think it'll be easier on us all if we know the end date is set, and the place I'm going to is lovely. Much less stressful than having to house hunt in 5 months time under pressure.

I don't intend to tell H until much later on though - this is my little motivator right now. I want to enjoy it all by myself for a while. :) thanks for the congrats everyone!

blackcurrants DS is being a mini-monster, yes! I cannot believe the whining... but he is also really funny and full of character right now. When he actually begins sleeping through again I might feel less fed up! Fingers crossed it happens soon hey :) I hope you're getting decent rest? x

That sounds like a very good plan indeed :)

:) I am, thanks - uninterrupted nights here, just exhausting days!

Oh that 'weaning into the house' idea is lovely and it sounds so idyllic - just what (as you say) the universe owes you after all this. A cosy, convenient little space for you all to nest/recuperate in, and then BOOM! Launch yourself into the world!

I think having this house to plan for, decorate, slowly move into and generally see as a 'next step' will be wonderful for you. Well, I know it would for me. The time with your parents is a transitional sort of time, and it's lovely they're being so supportive. But even more wonderful to dream of a day when you and the DCs are your own little unit, in an new place with no unpleasant associations... it's great. I'm so happy for you :)

choco, that is good news

hug that brilliant secret to yourelf for as long as you need to x

Great news!

Hay fever? Already?

Here is to choco's cottage. Great news. I think it will be a lovely cosy haven for you and your boys.

wooo! DS slept through, til 7.15am WOW

thanks for all the congratulations :) lets hope things stay on the up and up!

wishing you all a lovely sunshiny day today x

Congrats on the house Choco! Sounds lovely and just what you need for a new start for you and your precious boys!

I wouldn't be too hard on MIL if I were you - having her on your side must be a good thing and the fact that she still wants to include you in family celebrations instead of her own son must say a lot about how she feels about you.

Maybe your MIL caught you on a bad day, but I would really reconsider her offer for Easter and perhaps use it as a starting point for a conversation with her about how you are really not OK with what has happened. That way you can kill two birds with one stone and make sure he won't turn up with OW if you do go.

Hope bringing this up again today didn't bring you down, but would hate to think that your MIL is reaching out to you but you're pushing her away to punish H. It is his job to facilitate contact with the GPs on his side, but if they'd rather see you, take it as the compliment it is.

You're doing a great job, keep it up and enjoy the sunshine!

Woooo great that you got some more sleep Choco - i got an extra hour this morning too, isn't it a tonic?! :)

I think the MIL question is worth considering. Firstly I think she'd be a great person to really hear the truth about how hard this is, as she'd (1) be sympathetic by the sounds of it and (2) give her son appropriate levels of hell. Maybe? But maybe not. I obviously don't know much.

one thing I seem to have learned from these threads is the eventually, eventually ,even the most lovely parents in law will reconcile with erring bastard sons. Much as I judge them with my judgiest of pants on, I look at DS and think: yeah, I probably would eventually get over it too, because he's my DS. So I think it's great that she's your ally now, but do bear in mind that eventually she is going to reconcile with her son, and if not forgive him, at least move on. And that will probably hurt you a lot. So .... stuff to keep in mind, I suppose.
Sorry for being so incoherent! I hope you have a lovely day in the sun :)

MIL does hear how hard things are, mostly it just upsets her and she gets a bit teary and looks very hurt/sad... I don't sugar coat it for her, I'm not horrible but I don't pretend I'm hunkydory either. I think she's wishful thinking that it will all get better, coupled with just not knowing what to do for the best. I feel very, very sympathetic about her dilema. She knows exactly how shit it is for me, having been divorced twice, once with small children and once with teenagers. I think she just tries not to focus on the fact that her son is the one causing the grief this time, and sometimes its very hard to remind her that he is an utter shit. I don't pretend he is my friend though :(

I am struggling right now again with wanting to tell him how I feel about his total lack of empathy/disregard for his family. It just seems so fucking pointless though. He has zero insight. He emailed me earlier to suggest taking DS to London to see In the Night Garden live show, which is on roughly before and after my due date. I have politely suggested next year would be better. But wish I'd been a lot more blunt - I mean, seriously?

1. he is not old enough to care about a show so much it warrants a 5 hour car journey there and back
2. he does not sleep in travel cots, would likely be very upset and scared about being somewhere new, and the knock on effect on his routine would be awful
3. I would have to resettle him into his routine on my own thanks to H being a feckless shit, so for H's gratification ('I took him to the show') I would have to suffer at least a week of screamy over tired toddler tantrums.
4. he hasn't EVER taken DS ANYWHERE for an overnight without me, even pre-break up, except for one weekend at his mums - when she did all the hard work (getting up in the night/morning). I actually don't think he has the faintest idea how much hard work it would be to drive all the way to London, negotiate public transport to the 02 arena, referee DS's behaviour all the way through a show, settle him overnight in a hotel or mates house then bring him all the way home again. I have no doubt he would lose his temper and DS would have a crap time.
5. this would all happen right around when I desperately need more rest, will be grappling with a newborn, and DS will be going through yet another enormous change. But obviously none of that occurs to H

FFS

give me strength.

sorry just read that back and I sound a bit abrupt - thanks for the messages TheEpilator and blackcurrants I didn't mean to be rude. Am just feeling a bit worn down again today...

oh gosh, it wasn't abrupt or rude at all - don't worry about me sitting here with my , I've got a hide like a rhino and you've got stuff going on, real problems to deal with!

Worry less about being abrupt on here, and get more abrupt with the idiot H. How about

"Idiot H
You have no ioea how disrupting and exhausting either DS or I would find that kind of upset to his routine. Suggesting it at the time of the due date is so thoughtless it borders on callous.
Why don't you fuck off to fuck? Also, it's been suggested that once you get there you could fuck off some more.
HTH.
Chocoraisin"

What do you think?