how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

thank you 008 I'm really glad you have such good memories of your childhood :) and a lovely DH today, and Christian is a lovely name!

Hi Choco

I have been lurking throughout your thread and think you are handling your situation amazingly. You will make a great life coach if you still want to be one.

I just wanted to say that when I had a difficult time (though different and less awful than yours) with a family member it really helped me to write a letter spelling out everything I felt. I never sent it of course but just getting all the words out cleared them from my head and I found it an extremely cathartic experience. I spent hours on that letter, editing it until I felt it was right and then later I burnt it.

I am and for you. I am also in awe of your handling of this. You sound like a lovely person and this ignorant, selfish bastard treating you like shit has proved how special you are. You have put your DS and your bean first and acted with dignity throughout. In the face of what you are dealing with that takes some doing.

You will give them a good life and do you know why? Because you're committed and dedicated to their happiness, and willing to put in the work. A lot of single parents, specifically single mothers, do it and do it well. It bloody sucks that you have to do it without a nice H at the moment, but frankly, I wouldn't rule out someone, at some point in the future, thinking maybe you're lovely and maybe you'd let him into your life. And of course he has his grandparents, which is wonderful. I think you're being very clever to build on the support you can rely on, and not expect much from your exH. There's no point exhausting and upsetting yourself, and frankly, it really and truly is his loss.

My DH's parents divorced when he was little and he refers to his stepdad as his "Dad" and his biological father as his "Father" or "Biological Father." Well more fool his deadbeat father, frankly. He's not the one who has the privilege of knowing his lovely son, or his adorable grandson. He didn't put the work in, and he doesn't get the relationship. If your ExH isn't willing to put the work in of course your heart will break for your DS, but your DS won't be stupid. He has a secure attachment to you and as he grows up he will know your H for what he's worth.
[waves pompoms encouragingly]
I don't think anyone's ever seen a cheerleader in her pajamas before, but I assure you, I am cheering you on!

As ever big support from me. My DSs who are now 18 & 19 think their Dad is a complete twonk & haven't bothered seeing him for years. Your boys will see for themselves who is the committed parent

Op I seem to be in a very similar situation to you just a few months on. I am still technically employed but I am being made redundant at the end of a mat leave. Sorting out benefits is a nightmare but the best advise and can give is try and sort a small thing everyday. Make one call or fill in one page of a form. trying to do it all at once was to much for me with everything else going on and I ended up with words floating in front of me not making any sense.

I now seem to be pass the point of crying myself to sleep every night and I can see my life moving forward as a single mum it is easier to cope with everything else

I'm so tired tonight i can't really form a proper reply to you lovely people, but I just wanted to say thank you for the continued support, the advice and the messages.... it never fails to lift me up when I'm down, thank you x

I hope you got some decent sleep, choco
We have got such a gringy miserable boy here, his teeth are really bothering him. Lots of dribble, lots of asking for things then flinging them away angrily - and lots of chewing on fingers and the end of toothbrushes and things. He's clearly in pain and also so hard to be around for extended periods of time! I hope you're getting some breaks now and then.

Thinking of you Choco. Take care x

hello :)

DS gave me a run for my money again last night - midnight until 2am, full throttle tantrum over 'no beebies' - so I'm feeling a bit wan and grey today. I don't know yet if it's teeth or tantrums over all, as there is little evidence of teeth other than the tantrums IYSWIM...

blackcurrants sympathy for your wee DS and his poor exploding gums. I remember obsessively chewing gum when I had my wisdom teeth coming, it's truly horrible. If only we could take the pain away! I recognise the screaming for something then throwing it away immediately. DS has been doing a fair bit of that too!

I went out for lunch with an old school friend today, it was lovely and relaxing. My DM stayed home to do the handover for me as well which gave me a bit of a break. Lovely friend's wife cheated on him a few years ago. It was actually very nice to be with someone who knows me very well (even though I haven't seen him for 2 years or so, but we were in the same crowd at school, stayed in touch all through uni and only lost touch when we both moved and I had a baby) who also completely 'gets' where I am with the emotional stuff. He's working things out with his DW and things seem to be on the mend, which is great for them, but it still felt like I could take off the mask a little bit and just have an honest moan in RL about how shit and awful it all has been, without someone being shocked by it. Made me feel a bit more normal. It's funny how someone who knew you at school can make you feel younger too - I've been so tired lately it was nice to share the silly jokes we used to when we were 18 or so without all the 'grown up' stuff being in the background.

H took DS off to his mums for the afternoon, I collected him. All very civil and fine. I think the little break at lunch definitely helped me gather my reserves for the weekend!

thebossof3 I am glad things are starting to settle down for you, I've got a bit of financial planning scheduled for tomorrow... I need to work out my average projected income for next tax year so I can get a handle on WTC etc and begin planning my budget. Its incredibly tiring to think about but has to be done. Money has always been something my H took charge of so while it's liberating in one sense to 'hold the purse strings' now, it's also a bit scary. I have faith we'll get there though!

thank you everyone else for your kind words and thoughts - hugs back x

Hi choco So glad you got the chance to debrief a bit with an old friend - it is such a nice way to remember that you are more than your marriage and even your motherhood. Also good to only do one end of the handover.
Hope you start getting some better night's sleep. Sounds like DS is auditioning to be a 2 year old!

thanks saffron if DS is auditioning, I think he's got the part! Seriously stroppy toddlerdom has begun.

I'm just dropping by because I feel like crap on a cracker, and I need to vent a little bit. Usual story today, H picked him up, took him swimming, was perfectly pleasant etc. But I am really tired and just feel overwhelmed with sadness again. I wish I could go swimming with my little boy and his daddy. I want to share these moments watching him grow, laughing about his mardy moments, encouraging him to develop. I don't want to have to bribe him with a chocolate button to stop clinging onto H when it's time to say goodbye, and dry his tears when he's gone. I want to be a family :(

feeling really angry and sad and disappointed by life, knowing that what I wanted is totally bloody irrelevant to what I've got. Thanks H, thanks a bunch. Selfish, stupid prick.

I'm sure I will be able to recall all the things I should be grateful for tomorrow... today I just need a bloody good cry :(

Oh Choco

I wish there were some magic words I could say to make everything ok.

Wishing you a good night's sleep.

Look after yourself. xx

Hi choco, sorry you're feeling crap :(

Sorry, I've just been lurking for a while, but always wishing you well.

Remember a few weeks ago you mentioned Going on a Bear Hunt (love that story :) ) and how you were just going to have to go through it because there was no way over it or around it?

Well I guess this is going through it - the end of a marriage is very, very hard. Of course you're going to want to cry sometimes, and mourn the future you thought you'd have.

Be nice to yourself tonight (and here's hoping DS will be nice to you too :) ) and relax. I'm considering a rare glass of wine tonight. You could join me.

thank you for the encouragement x

I'll get out Going on a Bear Hunt tomorrow and read it to DS to remind me :)

I will substitute vino for the rocky road in the fridge I picked up today... having gained precisely 0 pounds up to 20weeks pregnant due to stress, I appear to have gained about 8 in the last fortnight. Oops. Perhaps I should lay off buying the comfort food this week.

Hey choco just popping in to say hi..i'm sorry you're feeling low atm, no real words of wisdom but a virtual hug ((hug))..a little bit of news from my camp..my lovely DP is now my lovely fiance as he proposed (finally!) on feb 29th and we've set a date for a christmas wedding!! He's working away atm so i'm sat eating ben and jerry's and waiting for baby to wake up for the tenth time (teeth, bless her heart :( ) and just thought i'd say hello and i've been keeping up with your thread and hoping you, DS and your little bean are well :) There's a phrase I really like 'fake it til you make it' I think it basically means keep on keeping on if that makes sense!

congratulations nobody that is really lovely news! I hope you have a fab time planning xx

I just needed 5 mins away... my MIL and stepFIL (her new hubby) are here for lunch today. Managed to make it through with not much mention of H until just now. Apparently he has been driving them mad telling them (no doubt sanctimoniously) that 'choco is fine with everything, and quite happy with the situation now, so why can't you be?'

This galls me, and hurts me so badly. Just because I'm polite and don't make a song and dance over handovers doesn't mean I don't feel anything. Or that I think he's a great guy. I just think he's a shallow narcissistic scumbag :(

I am fighting a great urge to email him exactly how little I think of him, just to set the record straight. Please help me ride this out - or tell me what not to say if you think it's worth saying anything at all. I can't bear the thought that he is gloating over how nicely it's all turned out for him :( it makes me feel sick.

He knows you're not ok, but he has to convince himself that you are otherwise he would have to face up to what he has done. By telling himself that you are fine, he can believe that what he has done is good for everyone, but admitting that you are actually suffering would mean him admitting that he is exactly what you said he is, a stupid selfish prick.

Personally I would email him with what you said above, about not creating a fuss doesnt mean you are happy. I would make it crystal clear that you are deeply hurt and devastated at what he has done to you and that the only reason you arent kicking off is because of your son.

But then I believe that dignity only takes you so far because, as has happened to you, the person who has hurt you will use your lack of reaction to justify their own actions. Sometimes there comes a time when you should say "Actually you are a shit, you have destroyed everything I hold dear through your selfishness and I am in helll. This is all your fault because you had an affair and not as you are suggesting to people, a mutual decision that is win/win. You are the only person who has won out of this, I am not happy at all and I will not tolerate you implying that I am just so that you can salve a guilty conscience."

I did paragraph that, so no idea why they didnt come out!

sorry!

Thanks choco I'm practically living on eBay atm lol :)
And I'm definitely with bogeyface on this one.. you aren't fine and he has shit on everything..and yes being dignified is great to a point but now he's spouting this kind of crap I know if I was in your position I wouldn't think twice about telling him exactly how his actions have affected you and that you're most certainly not ok with things.. but then I can be a bit bolshi at times, especially when hurt.

Oh choco I can't bear it for you. What a selfish, horrible shit he is being.

I am usually one for dignified silence at all costs, but god I'd like to tell him a few home truths. If I were in your situation and I'd heard that report from my MiL I think I'd have burst into tears. It's too bloody hard that you have to hold it together for your lovely DS and have him pick up on that and gloat about how reasonable you/he are being.

He has destroyed everything you wanted from your family with his selfish affair, and he thinks you're fine with it? Incredible. Proof that he is really not thinking about you at all, just ways to justify what he's done. I'm so for you.

Every move your ex makes simply confirms he is a Prick Of The Highest Order. I hope you put your MIL straight ?

I agree with Bogey - you should disabuse him of his smug complacency.

And I assume (like AnyF) that you set your MIL straight.

You can be dignified without lying down so this excuse for a human can drive his new life over you.

I just ranted accidentally at my mum... MIL wants me, DS and my family to spend Easter Sunday with them (without H) and I am like, NO. FGS.

People treating me like nothing has changed and refusing to speak to H just pisses me off. He is responsible for maintaining their relationship with DS, not me. I don't want to go celebrating family occasions as if we're all one happy family. Jesus, does anyone actually give a fuck that he is still happily shagging his new girlfriend? What would I be expected to do if they both turned up, just sit down for roast dinner like we're all fine and dandy with them?

Some serious words have to be had.

This is fucking ridiculous.

To be fair to my mum, she doesn't want to go either, but she didn't actually say no to MIL outright either :(

GAH

Grrr, no wonder you are feeling like this. I would love to slap your ex for you - what a shit he is to have come out with this crap. He is trying to gloss over it and make himself look like a good guy. I would be very tempted to tell people the truth.

God, what a total tosser he is being!

MIL needs to back off and not expect so much of you. Must be hard for her that her son is behaving like his father, but she needs to deal with that.

Whatever you do he will tell his own story to himself and others. Maybe you could email along the lines you mentioned before, if you feel you need to get it off your chest.

You can be reasonable with respect to access, practicalities etc and civil but still be honest / angry / hard-faced.