how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Toy Story DVD on. DS downstairs. Thanks Snowy

Rage barely contained, which makes me feel like a shit, shit mother. I don't think I've been this tired and emotionally wrung out before - not even when he was newborn. :(

Getting so hysterical he had an asthma attack pretty much sealed the deal though. What's the point in fighting when he's so upset? Clearly he has no intention of going to sleep. The fact that it's all I want to do is irrelevant.

The only words to describe parenting at moments like this are utterly relentless

I feel terrible :(

I'm sorry - it is tough when you are tired and they just won't play ball. It is hard with a newborn too so it is definitely worth getting him settled at nursery and having as much help as you can.

Can you cuddle up with him and just rest?

And don't feel bad at the rage - he is very little and he won't see it the way you think he does

he won't cuddle :( just smacks me round the head and gets furious with me. He's pretty much quietened down now in front of the TV though, chewing his toothbrush.

I have spent over an hour trying to cuddle/soothe/settle him in bed (bedtime is usually 6.30) and he's spent most of that time screaming and throwing things at me or hitting me if I stand too close!

The frustrating thing is that after last night when he was up midnight til 3, and no nap today, I know that largely this is him being overtired.

You may be right about teething, I'm not sure. He has all of his teeth that I'd expect him to have now though. Do toddlers have 4 or 8 molars in the end? When do the last big ones normally break through? Sorry this isn't really relationships stuff now is it... just normal parenting stuff.

Thanks for making me feel less like a shit mum x

I think they have 8 - DS had all his teeth through by 22 months. DD (19m) is just getting her fangs through but has all her molars

My kids are like that when overtired - at that age they just can't show it any other way.

if you're a shit mum so am I - I put both kids to bed and they were both screaming at me when I left! Ate my dinner and they had calmed down within 15 mins but I felt terrible (they were overtired too)

thank you for replying :) rage has mostly disappeared. I guess teething is likely then, and at least if he does it now it'll be out of the way before baby arrives. Gah, its hard bloody work!! I don't think you're a shit mum either. I left him for 15 mins or so a couple of times, just had to go back in when he started smacking his head against the cot/breathing funny!! Nothing like a little toddler hysteria to get me worried and stressed.

Only nursery and a house viewing to contend with tomorrow before my pain clinic appointment. Please god, send the sleep fairies round soon

you know he will be bouncing about like a mad thing and then suddenly conk out!

DS used to headbutt the floor when he was angry at that age. DD seems to have decided that's a good idea too....

Please do accept any help you can from granny patrol and friends, don't feel you have to do this all yourself.

sounds very much like teething if he's chewing a toothbrush...
I'm sure you can get homeopathic-style camomile drops to soothe it. Ask in the chemist.

Ah, Choco, I really feel for you. Like you say it's relentless, and so unfair on you. Life really gives you some shit curve balls sometimes (been there), but hang on in there (what else can you do?), you are so strong. Thank god you are at your parents.

My ex left when my son was 6 months - checked out at the end of pregnancy tho - and you will find the strength to do it. Mine is 20 now and doing really well (uni, etc.).

And while you're at the chemist get some Rescue Remedy, it's brilliant and for both of you - the 3 of you! - in fact it works on babies/toddlers/children (and animals!) that much faster. You can also get it in spray form which is so easy to use (3 sprays under the tongue, up to 4 x a day), with a toddler you can make a game of it, some for me, some for you. Calms you both right down.
There's also cream which is amazing for burns, scratches, cuts (cleaned, and under a plaster). Soothes so fast.

Remember, we're all here for you.

I will tribpot, just feel crappy about asking. Just to clarify, when I say I'm barely containing my rage I only mean I'm feeling like I might pop with frustration, I don't mean I would actually rage at my lovely DS. I am not going to do anything horrible, I just feel horrible. When I've reached the end of my tether I've just stepped away for 10mins posted here, had a quick cuppa or generally been moody elsewhere so that I can regroup and go back for more cuddles and sympathy for DS... don't mean to give the impression I'm a horrible shouty nasty mum :(

thanks superbophobe :) rescue remedy is a really good idea. And asking the angels

PS trilbot I didn't think you were suggesting I would be horrible/shouty/mean... I just had a sudden thought that maybe I came across that way from my posts!

Hope the sleep fairies come soon.
One thing my otherwise useless ex did when DS was doing a fabulous toddler tantrum did was let it all out by pretending to be a very loud chicken. I think it got everyone's frustration out and Ds was so astounded that he simply shut up. Sadly on most occasions ex was angry and abusive as he couldn't cope. But perhaps letting out an enormous howl might shock yours into silence of amazement. And don't worry about leaving him to get on with his tantrum in a safe place while you step away from it - if you remember that baby book there is that bit about leaving child safe and retiring to fight the next battle.

Choco I feel for you, it is relentless when things get fraught. It's like being on a giant hamster wheel you can't get off.

Ask your parent to help. That's what they're there for at the moment: to get you back on your feet. They'd rather you did than get yourself so exhausted trying to cope by yourself.

I hope ds has settled now and you can sleep

choco I hope the sleep fairies have come. You are an amazing mum and are keeping the show on the road in tough circumstances. This is bloody hard.
So glad to hear that your ex is depressed. You are doing the right thing not engaging with him other than in parenting. Of course he wants to spin that everything is happy and great and you are good friends.
I know a woman whose husband suddenly moved out with teenage DC's screaming and crying at him not to go, wife completely distraught - he then got in first and told all their friends it was very amicable and everyone was fine with everything!

DS is teething. It's a bloody nightmare. We are basically giving him painkiller (calpol yes, but the stuff you rub on the gums is even better if you can avoid being bitten) and soft soft food and trying to do LOTS of outside time and activities generally. If there's a reading at the library or toddler group anywhere, we're at it! He does better when a bit distracted.

And gosh, you are NOT a shit mum. You're doing all the coping strategies that good mums do - you're just worn right out. Relentless is the exact word.
DS is watching sesame street and eating chicken nuggets (organic! Honest!) as I type, so if you're a shit mum I must be breaking records of awfulness

~~gently rustles pompoms in soothing, sleepy manner~~

this too shall pass

thank you all :) your messages chilled me right out at 2.45am this morning. DS went to bed close to 10pm, woke once, and then went through til 6.45.

I'm slightly more human today. I did have my pain clinic appt, which was long and emotional - but hopefully helpful. I have mid-strength codeine and a 4 week review booked, but need a birth plan pronto. It boils down to this: Do I take minimum opiates, be extremely tired and have a c-sec or do I take maximum opiates, sleep, have a 'natural' birth with a baby who needs to have a managed drug withdrawal?

I want c-sec. Consultants are still hedging their bets. I'm tired already, but we will just have to wait and see how things go.

I hope you get your c-sec. I think it's worth telling them, like a stuck record, that you already had an elective approved at a different hospital but had to move because your feckless H walked out on you, so you needed to be near your family. Stress over and over that it has already been approved.

ok I don't know what I'm talking about... but I do so hope you get one! Honestly, I have no idea what would work better for you and DS2 (ee! you're having a lovely little baby! A froggy newborn to sniff! - sorry, got carried away there) = because I have no idea what the opiate withdrawal is like for a newborn, and what it would entail. Would he have to be in the NICU? Would it interfere with BFing if that's what you want to do? Would you have to stay in hospital longer?

Having had a vaginal birth and been in a 2 bed room with a lovely irish woman who'd had a c-sec, I was up and walking, sleeping sounder and moving easier and not in half as much pain as she obviously was, the poor love - so for that 'recovery' aspect alone I think I'd say I'd prefer a vaginal - but the opiate aspect does add complications.

Can't they give you an epidural and then min. opiates so you can sleep and then have a vaginal birth? I had an ep. and slept for about 5-6 hours of my labour, it was bliss :)

Sorry if I'm being thick or missing something very important. I think if the birth is likely to be traumatic for you then being knocked out and missing it is a bloody good idea. I also think you might find the idea of a doula helpful, maybe? Even if you have a csec they can be bloody amazing, and a post-birth doula even more so. Charge it to your H, he can pay for what he isn't man enough to provide....

Hi blackcurrants :) good advice about being a broken record! As far as withdrawal and the baby, the problem is only in a small part actually how I give birth, the severe SPD I have right now that is the reason for opiates. I'm on codeine/crutches already and there is talk of putting me on opiate slow release patches in the later stages, this means they are talking about months of high pain relief doses when most women are advised not to touch anything stronger than paracetamol.

I had bad pain relief last time during my preg (bad in that it didn't really help, wasn't strong enough) and DS was on obs for 5 days despite this relatively low codeine regime (120mg a day). As a result of the tablets, he suffered from sleepiness that affected breast feeding, was a low birth weight, arrived 2 weeks early and was distressingly hypersensitive/scratched his own face a lot for the first week as the codeine withdrew from his system :( I understood v. little about it before hand so didn't feel I made an informed decision. Plus, my 'natural' birth ended up in the operating theatre with a spinal and forceps delivery, so I'm a little underwhelmed with the idea of a repeat performance, alongside withdrawal for my baby again! I'd rather tough out the SPD, then have an epidural/c-sec and know that baby will be better off, I'll be up and about relatively soon, and no emergency operating theatres will be necessary. Seems logical enough to me, but it's the hoop jumping I seem to have to do that is a PITA.

I would LOVE to charge a doula to my ex's card. If only he had a card lol. Unfortunately he's a student so there is no koffer to raid...

aww, my gorgeous little baby is going to be here soon!! (is 16-18 weeks soon? lol or am I just excited). Froggy little newborn to sniff makes me smile lots

still need to ask my sister to be my birth partner, I don't want H there. He can be in the hospital but not in the room, I did ask my mum but after last time she wasn't up for it really!! Don't blame her.

Don't have him in the hospital. Actually in my local hospital there is nowhere for anyone who isn't a birth partner to be.

I didn't have my x at the birth after I found out he had an affair when I was 7 month pg. I had my mum which turned out to really good as I got very emotional and would have ended up stabbing x if he had been there. I did let him come to the hospital while I was still in the delivery suit but wish now that I has made him wait so I could have alone time with baby and time to recover. Remember you need to think about what's best for you and not him, his feeling should not come into it.

You are coping wonderfully and you will get through this as a stronger person.

thank you both, I asked my sister last night - she lives about 4 hours away though so another reason to keep everything crossed for a c-sec with a set date!!

Please tell me if I'm being stupid wise women of MN. I feel like I want to write XH a letter to say how I've been feeling recently, along the lines of: I am not your friend, however friendly I am being for the sake of DS. I don't understand the choices you made and the fact that you have shown no remorse, at any point, makes it harder and harder for me to keep up this friendly routine...

I don't expect or want a constant drip feed of how sorry he is every time he visits, but I can't seem to get past the fact he doesn't seem sorry at all and as a result, I seem to be handing him his new life on a plate as if I am fine with it. I want him to acknowledge that this is the worst thing anyone has done to me, ever, and that he has let down his children in an appalling way.

I offered to sit down this coming weekend and talk about him spending more time with DS (about 3 weeks ago) but last weekend he said he was fine with how things were and not to bother (he sees him for 6 hours a week). It was dressed up in 'well DS is coping well lets not rock the boat' stuff, but it still hurts. Its just another rejection - not of me, of DS - that cuts so deeply.

I kind of expected him to feel bad, and thought being reasonable/polite was better than showing how hurt I am, but he doesn't appear to feel anything at all :(

reading that back, there's no point trying to tell him now is there? At least I'm not putting my heart on a plate over and over to be stomped on right now. There's no way he's going to respond the way I want him to is there? So I should just keep it to myself I guess :(

feeling v. v. sad and small today.

Morning Choco

You beat me to it!! It was probably good for you to write it all down but the fact of the matter is he doesn't really care about how you feel - only himself! He will never acknowledge what he has done as that would make him have to look at himself and his own appalling behaviour... He prefers to see himself as Mr Nice Guy and Mr Great Dad.

My STBXH is also Mr Pally whenever we have a handover for what I take to be the same reasons- I keep it short and to the point and make it clear that I will only discuss DD and nothing else

As for only taking DS for 6 hours per week - he needs to help you out a bit more than that - especially when the new baby comes! He is trying to make out it is for you and DS's benefit but it is really for him. (Mine wants me to have the majority of weekends for my benefit and not so he can spend time with OW)

Oooohhh - he makes me so mad (on your behalf!)

xx

Morning LW how are you today? It's a bloody trial isn't it... I know he should help out more, I wanted to talk about taking DS for a full day over the weekend (he does friday pm/saturday pm right now) with a view to building up to collecting him 2pm friday and returning him 5pm saturday. I thought it would be nice for DS and that he could build in spending the 2-5 sesh he currently has him for, to have both of them on those days. The idea (in my head) was for DS to have some one-to-one daddy time when new baby comes but for H to only take new baby for a couple of hours at a time until we're all more confident about it.

I don't want to offer any more contact explicitly to him though because I have made it very clear that I expect him to ask and show an interest. If he doesn't ask, I am not prepared to build up DS's expectations for him to be let down. I would rather arrange for MIL, SIL and my parents to have more time with DS so that I get the help, but I'm not relying on XH to 'come through' when I really need him to.

My solicitor also advised against offering more, and said she thinks it's most likely that I will struggle to get him to keep the commitment he has made. She thinks he is highly unlikely to be the kind of parent who fights for contact, and doesn't want to see me exhaust myself fighting to get him to take up more contact - no matter how much I want the kids to know him, he has to be the one who wants that more.

The longer I go through this the lower my expectations become. I am trying to stay positive and think about providing a good life for my boys by myself. It's hard though. I'm employed now (though off sick) but it's so confusing working out benefits etc through mat leave, then trying to work out what I would need to earn when that runs out next Christmas... I want them to have a good life. I know I will need to work damn hard to give it to them. I know I can't rely on XH for anything really. I certainly won't rely on him for anything as essential as feeding/clothing them or paying my rent :( it's a bit scary really.

Hi Chocoraisin,

I just wanted to say that I have been reading your thread and think you are doing incredibly, amazingly well.

I have no experience of a partner like your "H" and so I will keep my mouth shut on that point though obviously he´s a total wanker.

However, I do have experience of being brought up by a single mum and grandparents. My "dad" never had any contact with me. My mum worked nights when I was little and my Grandparents helped with childcare. To this day (and I am 40 now) I have tremendous respect and admiration for my mother. I also have a loving and wonderful DH, so it didn`t screw me up in terms of men. I have my own feelings about my "dad" and his relationship to me - but that has nothing to do with how I feel about my mum.

Your sons will be incredibly proud of you. You are a great mum. They will grow to understand their father and will realise what a spineless wanker he is. It really is his loss. He may realise this, he may not, so what. Your sons deserve fantastic parents, and they have that, in you.

Keep going. x
P.S. Christian is a great boys`name ... it´s my DH´s name and he´s fab