how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Oh what a clever counting boy! :) Clearly a genius son. New word of the day from my DS was "poo" said very solemnly in response to my chatty "Are you doing a poo, DS?" And yes, he was! Also clearly a genius son! DH said "I think we'll be hearing THAT word a lot for the next ten years!" ...

I am glad you're better, I hope you get a few naps in to catch up on your rest. Too bloody much to expect your wishes re: birth to be followed, eh?
And, yet another reason to not feel all fond towards your ex, imo. God, the damage these faithless men do, uprooting so many people, ripping up so many lives. . . when I think like that I rather agree with Bogeyface.

Let's hope you get the birth you want, choco! It will all be worth it when you have gorgeous DS2 in your arms.
I so admire your calm and the way you put your DC first. In your shoes I think I would be cutting up clothes and living in a red mist.

lol @ blackcurrants - shall we get them to apply for MENSA together now??

I'm having an ok day today, pain wise - and I'm happy because a good friend from my old city is coming to visit me and DS today. Going to collect her in an hour :) It will be nice to have a little bit of grown up company as my parents are working away again. Not that I can complain one tiny little bit - if they were here all the time I'd probably be tearing my hair out (as would they!)

I found one of H's personal bank account statements from around Nov among all my paperwork today. Must have been swept up in the general madness of moving out. It shows his wages being paid in (when they should have gone into the joint account) followed by restaurant bills, none of which were for us, clearly.

I don't know how I'm keeping things civil to be honest. Let just say it's a good thing I'm nowhere near scissors or his clothes today saffron! I know my fuse is long but it does burn out eventually...

Oh God, it just doesn't stop, does it. What kinds of things are you doing about maintenance? I don't know how it works but there is a lot of wisdom on this thread. Keep evidence of his wages, even the shreds of it. Your lovely dcs deserve their Fathers support, even if only financial.

Hope you have a great day with your friend.

I'm meant to get about £25 a week from him at the moment, which is a private arrangement (he is a student so has hardly any income). It will be reviewed either when he fails to pay it, or when he graduates and gets a job... :( I don't feel I can rely on him at any rate.

I'm also feeling really uneasy and upset about DS and his new nursery at the moment. I collected him as usual today and he was hysterically crying before he saw me - I walked in to find him bawling (he never cries like that at home) and the staff didn't really have an explanation for me. He's also been very clingy and upset when I've left him. I don't know if it's normal because of all the changes/his age etc... but he used to be so happy about being at nursery, and he spent full days at his last one, he's only been going for 3 hours to this one at a time. I don't know why I just don't really feel right about it. But it's the only place in this area that takes under 2's... which is insane.

Feeling incredibly frustrated and angry that I have to be putting him through it at all, and upset that I have only my own judgement to go on as well... I feel under so much pressure to get it right. :(

I'm a bit hormonal and overtired probably too...

Well rightfully so - it is all so bloody exhausting moving, and settling everyone in. How long has he been at this nursery? We usually take DS out of his for 2-3 months of the summer (DH is a teacher) and the first 2-3 weeks of the return are always hard... do you think it's settling-in stuff, or something more?

Well done for NOT ripping up/burning his clothes. Mind you with a seam ripper on the other hand who's to know...

he's been going for two weeks, but seems to be getting clingy-er not better. I'll give it another week to see how it goes but if he doesn't improve I may have to rethink it. I'm not really sure what I think it is, but the setting is a bit different to his old nursery (more 'homey' with fewer children) and there are less staff, so maybe he just hasn't had a chance to get familiar with anyone in particular. He's also the youngest in his room by about 4 months, although he's entirely capable of being in with them. I am probably sensitive myself after the move as well... so maybe we need to give it more time.

lol@geeklove

off to soft play now, for a nice morning before the afternoon handover...

Good luck with today. Keep giving DS time to settle- he has had a lot of change - NONE of it your fault.Even having your parents coming and going must be a bit confusing for him. ( He may not understand that it is in fact their house!) It will be great if he can get happy at creche so you can get some respite when DS2 comes.
Onward and Upward!x

I think you're doing the right thing by giving it another week. Your little boy has had a lot of upheaval and of course he'll be picking up on your own upset as well (and that's fine, btw) so it makes sense that he's keen on keeping you in sight at all times, people are coming and going from his life at a fast rate at the moment. He'll settle into the new 'normal' soon, I'm sure - and it's lovely that you're helping him do it this way.
He could also be teething, feeling coldy - (both fixtures at my house!) and that might be making him more clingy. I've noticed a lot more clinging in my house this past week (Bloody molars!) - so it might be factors unrelated to the split, or exacerbated by them, if you see what I mean.

Anyway, don't pressure yourself to get/make it all right, tell yourself that you ARE doing it right, and that you're being bloomin' marvellous, and trust your gut. It sounds like you're a lovely Mum :)

well choco I have read all your thread and am totally amazed at your dignity.....all hail choco!

Your boys have a lovely lovely lovely Mummy, one that hasnt even met his lovely Mummy yet.

Choco - sorry, it has been a whole week since I checked in :(

You are doing well and staying strong. I know the images in my last post were a bit unpleasant, but it's all too easy to forget what bastards they have been when you are around them and they are being sweet with the wee ones etc - but it's important that you feel no guilt, none - HE did this, not you x

DS will be fine in nursery, he just needs to find a 'teacher', activity or child that he loves and looks forward to seeing then he will enjoy going again. At this age it can take a few weeks and some absolute howling, but it will all work out and you will be glad you stuck with it - it's for the best for both of you, so hang in there OK.

I hope you had a lovely day with your friend on Wednesday :)

thank you guys :) my parents just took DS off my hands for an hour to go for a walk in the woods, I'm meant to be sleeping but when I put my head on the pillow a GIANT spider ran out and under the duvet... me and bean are now having palpitations and have given up on the nap!!

Thanks for the reassurance re: nursery I will definitely hang in there, as I know it will be really important as time goes on. I'm finding it increasingly hard to do things with my usual va va voom, and have a pain clinic appointment on Tues to talk about how to go forward from here. It's funny, the actual pain is manageable in some ways but it's the utter exhaustion I get from being in pain that becomes generally shit in every way. I can feel my patience wearing thin and have got really cross with DS over silly things (flicking food off his fork, screaming about not getting to choose which shoes to wear, running away mid nappy change) and it's all because I can't react fast or catch him right now. Super frustrating.

As for H... well, I spent a really sleepless night last night fighting the urge to text him or call. Mostly because he's been sending me these ridiculously cheerful messages while he has DS (pics of him surrounded by toys in Grandma's garden, video of him eating chicken nuggets with ketchup) and the last one went on about how awesome he is, and how there are 'no signs of worrying behaviour' when he's with H. In other words, because I'm doing my damndest to settle him into this new situation and he copes just fine with the daddy visits, as far as H can see he is totally unharmed by him swanning off and leaving us. It's as if it's all one big party for him, his general attitude is fucking cheery as chips isn't this working out well? (WTF??). I kept waking up thinking YOU FUCKING C* I just want to ask him what the hell makes him so damn happy about treating us like shit?

But then I realise I shouldn't give him the satisfaction. Anything I say/send will only be fed through the FIL filter and be taken as evidence that all women are psycho bitches and he's well shot of me. And in fact, objectively, I am well shot of HIM, so what's the point anyway :( I may as well just maintain this (increasingly difficult) polite facade. I just can't stand the thoughts that invade when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Like, he won't stay at our flat - at first he said he 'felt weird' now it's apparently because he doesn't want to pay out for the bills and can live rent free with his dad. So I have no doubt that his dad welcomes the OW with open arms to sit around the table/sleep over with his feckless cheating shit of a son. It just makes me so mad that FIL is enabling him to behave like a 17 year old any more than he already was. I actually strongly suspect an ulterior motive at play - FIL has no family who tolerate him any more other than H. So if H moves (as he claims he will) to where me and the children will be, FIL will be alone. It's not in his interests to encourage his son to take responsibility, he'd much prefer to keep him close and guilt him about how much FIL needs him (he has chain smoking induced emphysema) and bitch about how little I want/need/expect from him re: the kids.

The whole thing just gets more depressing by the day.

Been following your thread Choco and i think you have handled this in such a mature, restrained and honourable way your ex should count himself lucky.

Don't waste your time thinking about that lot - they are not worth it.

I'd remain civil but you don't have to enter into any dialogue at all unless you absolutely must. When he comments cheerily he is looking for validation, don't bother replying.

Onwards and upwards. Stay strong x

Looks like he's got the cake and it's full of maggots ha!ha!ha!!
Think of him in 10 years time when he's changing his dads nappies and oxygen cylinders in the knowledge that no-one wants either of them.
They have truly shat on their doorstep.

Choco, that spider incident has made MY skin crawl!

Its totally understandable that you lose patience with DS sometimes - you're being so strong for both of you and trying to keep him happy and protect him from the pain of these big changes - a little bit of 'normality' is bound to creep in and we all have our moments, so don't feel bad about it. Hope your pain clinic appointment helps.

The photo thing is exactly why I suggested that you don't send H pics of DS, as much as you want to share things with him - from the other end it just seems like you're rubbing someone's nose in it. As backside says, just don't comment, and deny him the validation he needs.

It is hurtful that he's trying to make out that everything's hunky-dory but all you need to worry about is that DS is happy when he's with you and he's happy when he's with H. You will also be happy in the not-too-distant future and the only ones who have a limited chance of happiness are your selfish H and your poisonous FIL!

Choco I read something great on another thread about philandering dickweeds who want to be friendly with their exes - Vander Elskon wrote

'I think people who've had affairs often want to continue a friendship with the left partner. As AF says, it helps them frame themselves as not a villain. But also it's simply because people have a tendency to want to lose as little as possible, it's selfishness. If one can have the novelty and sexual thrill of a new relationship and also keep the deep abiding friendship and closeness of a former love, that's what that person will opt for. It's up to you OP to take whatever time you need to get this ex out of your system and think about what's best for YOU (probably detachment). He just wants to take take take.'

and it made me think of your H.

The git.

My STBXH is also trying to be my best buddy - I am trying to follow your example Choco and only have contact regarding DD and I ignore everything else.

Blackcurrant I saw that too and thought it was bang on! They live in a wee fantasy where they are the good guy and if you are halfway civil to them they think it absolves their shitty behaviour as you are obviously ok with it

hello lovelies :)

happy Monday to you all. Thank you for the messages. I'm veering on the edge of delirious right now due to DS having a mad night of tantrums from midnight til 3am, then getting up at six anyway and refusing (so far) to nap all day.

does this bode well for how I shall cope with the newborn/toddler sleep combo? I think not.

Thank god for MIL and my mum, who have formed team granny for the afternoon and taken him out for 45mins in the buggy in the hope he will crash out.

MIL also said that H has seemed very depressed/withdrawn (I asked, I know...) when at their house so I feel less like a bit of trash he's cheerfully discarded. Apparently he's trying to keep up the nice and cheerful front for DS's sake too. I do not feel bad/guilty or sorry for him today, only glad that he is feeling sad and lonely. He should feel sad and lonely. I have had some really sleepless nights this week feeling so angry and cheated and worthless it's actually done me some good to know he isn't this fantastically happy man, delighted with life.

I think you may be onto something blackcurrants about philandering men trying to minimise their loss by being friends. I think the hard part is that maybe it's not just the person whose had an affair who subconsciously wants that :( I am so frightened of my kids missing out on their dad completely that I probably overcompensate and try to be too nice. It's hard not to wish we could fall into being 'friendly' and skip over the heartache that is just below the surface. The only trouble is when I accidentally give too much ground and smile/joke or laugh... the whiplash from remembering how he hurt us is just horrendous when it hits me again.

LiarsWife (((hugs and solidarity)))

oh, gosh how exhausting! Hurrah for Team Granny, I hope he does crash out and then has a looong nap. What's the weather like with you? We've had a run of lovely mild days and have been spending hours in the park with DS, which is brilliant as he conks out so calmly at bedtime! Sleep is soooo great when you get it, and soooo important when you don't.... I hope tonight he sleeps for 12 hours straight!

I can see why you'd want to keep things civil for your DS - of course you do. But that anger and hurt isn't going anywhere, and you need to find some way of dealing with it. It doesn't have to be a big explosion at your ex, but for your own sake as a happy, healthy person, you can allow yourself to feel overwhelmed, angry, betrayed, hurt, exhausted, bitter, - these are all totally valid feels, and moreover totally reasonable responses to being royally fucked over by someone breaking the biggest promise that they ever made. The key is not to attack him, but to NOT take all that hurt out on yourself. What kind of channels do you have? Exercise? Art classes? maybe some counselling? Dance? Rhythmic grunting? [obviously I am not an expert]

Hello Choco. I haven't posted for a while but I do look out for your posts as I'm sure many others do. I do agree with blackcurrant about the importance of trying to deal with the sadness and anger. Forgive me for asking (in case you have already mentioned it) but have you had any professional counselling on your own? I had quite a bit and found it enormously beneficial.

I continued to live in the family home with my ex and DC for 15 very long and emotionally exhausting months after I told him it was over. Because I was there, he felt entitled to discuss his feelings about the split with me. I clearly remember one occasion when he followed me round the house talking at me and I got so fed up I walked upstairs. He stood at the bottom saying "Don't you want a friendly chat?" to which I replied "I am NOT your friend."

Keep ignoring, choco, it's for the best.

As for nursery, my DD1 left childminder (she'd been there since 4mo) and moved to day nursery at about your DS's age because CM was pregnant. So was I, so it was only for five months. DD1 took ages to settle, and used to cry if the 'wrong' nursery worker opened the door in the morning. She also bit me when I picked her up and strapped her into the car seat. (I like reminding her of that, she's 14 now!) It took about a month but she was ok eventually, and if I ever phoned during the day they always said she was absolutely fine. If I saw her playing there before she spotted me she was always fine too. Hopefully your DS will adjust in time. He won't be permanently damaged, at any rate

I need a moment.

DS has been screaming for HOURS. He is having a tantrum, there is nothing wrong. NOTHING. I say this because we have exhausted food, milk, cuddles, play, nappy and finally calpol. He just wants to be up and doing whatever the hell he wants (drawing on walls, playing with my dad's stereo system etc) which is not possible.

I am fucking exhausted. I am getting so fucked off it's untrue. I know it's not his fault, he's just being a 19mo and trying to push the boundaries but I am literally tearing my hair out and fucking furious. I am SO FUCKING TIRED.

I just needed to take 5 minutes to calm down. :(

I am also so angry that I have no-one to help with this who can actually help, ISWIM. My parents shouldn't have to deal with it. I can't ask them to 'do the night shift' when they are exhausted too, and it's not their toddler. They are doing enough.

I fucking hate H right now, with a passion. Selfish, selfish cunt.

Ok - this is probably very bad parenting but my DS went through a phase of waking in the night and being completely inconsolable. We tried everything (cuddles, milk, water, reading a book, favourite toy etc etc). What succeeded was a DVD - 10 mins of fireman sam and he was calm enough to cuddle and get back into bed after doing the bedtime routine again. Took half an hour which was a lot better than before!!

Oh and he only did it a couple more times after that. turned out to be teething