how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

I quite like Isambard and Horatio, but also Rowan and Elijah :)

PMSL @ Maverick :o

It's the name of cow medicine for liver fluke.

Sending best wishes to you Choco! Everything will work out!!!

Fucking hell. Have only just seen this thread and only skin read, so sorry if I missed important stuff - but what an ARSEHOLE.

Choco, you have my sympathies and my fullest support. Give us a shout if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to make you laugh

My favourite boys names right now:

Otis
Malachi
Louis (Loo-ee, not Lewis)
Daniel
Cillian
William
Laurie
Benjamin
Elijah
Xain
Michael
Xabi
Evan

Please don't feel disposable, you will always be the Sun that your children orbit. I think your H was chipper because he'd had a nice time with his boy. Whilst he doesn't deserve that, your son does. I'd agree that there must be some front on his part. If there isn't now, there Will be on Sunday when he realises what he's leaving behind...

Hey choco, i've been following your thread but it's been hard to post as it brings back so many memories. My ExF did to me what your H has done to you..I was left with a heartbroken 2 yr old dd and 11 weeks pregnant. The night he left I actually screamed. How could a man who professed to loving us more than life itself hurt us so much? Walk out on the adorable little girl who had doted on daddy, the fiance who was, he said, the love of his life and our little bean...
The next morning I packed up all our things, left my lovely little home and life behind and went back to where I felt safe and loved..to my parents. Like you I slept in my childhood bedroom, only pregnant now and with my baby girl in a travel cot beside the bed. I had had so many hopes and dreams when I'd laid in that room as a child, so many plans for the future. But also like you, I knew I had to be strong for my beautiful baby and my little wriggler..and I also had my wonderful parents behind me.
ExF never looked back the night he left. He knew where we were living but never once called or tried to arrange contact. I had a call from his mother to say he had decided the kindest thing for dd was to stay out of her life...In truth he was just too much in love with his new single life to give us a second thought.
He has missed out on knowing two absolutely wonderful, caring, intelligent, beautiful children, my precious dd1 and adorable ds..I doubt he could even begin to fathom the hurt he caused but in the end, the only loser was him.
It took me a few years to even contemplate trusting a man again but i'm so glad I finally took that leap of faith in my lovely dp. He is a truly my rock and a great stepdad, the only dad they have ever known and now they have a tiny sister to spoil as we have just been blessed with a perfect baby girl together
Enough of my musings on the past...the nursery for your two darling boys sounds perfect..and as for baby names..when ex and I found out I was pregnant I had a hunch it was a boy (correct) and I said I loved the name Tristan, ex replied 'quote - no son of mine is going to be called that!'
No prizes for guessing what my little boy is called

NKM, your story is sad but ultimately inspiring

the only losers here are the fuckwits who throw their families away

You are not disposable - my 3 elder children who have ex fathers (if you know what I mean) are v close to me. The eldest 2 DS haven't seen their father for 2 years & don't care if they ever do again because he's been so useless. My DD aged 8 sees her dad 2 nights a month but always says "Do I have to go??!!! And I can't wait to return". So there you have it. Only my little DD aged 2 is clamped like a limpet to her father because despite our relationship problems in private, is loving & devoted to her & spends most of his free time with her. His is the first face she sees every morning when he gets her up & the last face she sees every night when he puts her to bed. They know who is there for them constantly & who is the part time fun day out now and then parent. Also there's no way your baby will be expected to spend more than very short times with your ex alone for at least a year so if he expects to cart him off all day he'll be disappointed. Unless he can grow breasts & lactate that is!!!

Thanks AF..my kids are ace and they're ace because i'm a bloody good, strong mummy..I had to be..

dead right !

raises a glass to choco and bloody good strong mummy's everywhere here's to us and our precious little ones
actually, and for you choco got to look after your little bean..
and I know you've heard it countless times, and will hear it countless times again, but it will get better..they hurt us so easily, as if all we had and all we gave them amounted to nothing..but it didn't amount to nothing..it amounted to two glorious little lives..and they are what will keep you strong :)

And cheers to all you amazing women on this thread - you inspire me, and you are doing such wonderful things for your children. Here's to a bloody good weekend for all.

I'm going to have a and watch telly, having finally got DS into bed (7pm here). choco the nursery theme you describe sounds SO gorgeous - are you near an Ikea? They have some simply gorgeous stripey bedding for kids at the moment. [cheapskate emoticon]

((((hugs)))) to all the fabulous mummies out there, nobodyknowsme thank you for telling me your story - I am so glad that it's worked out for you and your children, and your lovely DD2 and DP have come along to complete your family. It's so hard to imagine what the future holds right now but I'm so grateful for the reassurance that it will be ok in the end.

I upset myself today looking on the Lone Parents board where someone has just been court ordered to have almost 50/50 contact split. Nothing terrifies me more than my babies having to have two homes and having to cope with them being away from me as much as they are here... I want H to spend more time with them both, definitely more than he has been the last 3 months, but I literally get cold sweats thinking about what might happen if he tries to fight me :( it's one of the main reasons I am trying so hard to keep conversations civil and friendly, with regular chances to sit down around a table to talk about what we both think is best. I don't want to piss him off and obstruct anything a) because it would hurt the children, and b) because tit though he may be, in parenting he still needs to be my ally. And that fucking hurts, but I will not do anything to jeopardise my kids happiness and security.

I shouldn't worry so much I know but I am beside myself with worry about what he will do for work when his course ends and he has to choose where to live. I wish with all my heart we could get to a point where we can get along just fine and he can come in and put them to bed or visit for the day, but it all just seems so far off and unlikely. He isn't even asking for more time with DS but that's the stupid thing - I'm terrified he will want to take my babies away, despite having no evidence for it at all. And I am trying to work out ways to encourage them to see each other more, even when he's not asking to.

Sometimes I feel like the only person getting lost entirely is me. And I feel like I'm sinking, with no way to know what to do.

Wow, sorry that has all turned a bit negative. I guess I'm just having a really sad day. I took DS for his first ever haircut (barber shop, old fashioned, really cool - he has a proper short back and sides!). I took before, during and after shots and he was good as gold. I put together a text with the before and after pictures all excited to share it with H, then bottled out of sending it in the end. He will see him in 2 hours anyway, and I just didn't see the point :( and then I just felt so sad, that we can't share those moments any more. Not like parents should, not the way I thought our family would. It really, really hurts me today.

Do you think your H would really be up for 50:50 contact? I remember suggesting that to my H and his face was cos he knew it meant he would not have much freedom and all his annual leave would have to be used up for school holidays etc. I was rather looking forward to having some time and space away from the kids but then they are not babies.

I would be surprised if a court would allow babies and very young children to have 50:50 contact if its not practical (e.g breastfeeding, lack of proper housing including appropriate sleeping arrangements etc).

no this is the stupid thing, its clearly not even crossed his mind. But I am the one doing all the thinking about what is best for the kids, and what will work long term... and stories like that just scare the crap out of me. I'm doing some wild projecting into the future... which is always a totally stupid thing to do. I have no idea what he wants or might want down the line. I just have to do the best I can right now, but I am finding it so hard. :(

Sorry you have been spooked, choco

I think in some cases 50;50 can work, but not wth very young children and of course both parties (meaning him, really) must be able to demonstrate that their financial, working and housing issues are completely sorted and stable

so, I doubt this is going to be an issue any time soon (if ever)

easy for me to say, but try not to worry about things that may never happen x

Hi choco (leaving the raisin out, sorry, but hate raisins

If you effectively live in different towns, or 1 hour away, I don't think a judge will grant 50/50, because that's not practical long term.
Once the major hurt has gone, you may actually want some respite from full time child care.

I know what you mean about sharing the little moments.

I would love to share these things with ex, but I am always worried that he may think I care about him at all.

Choco, it's so early on in your split that getting an amicable arrangement for childcare which suits you both will be very hard. I'd think that as things progress that will get easier. And your attitude at the stage where you have every right to be incredibly unreasonable (and yet are quite the opposite) shows that you'll have a fantastic chance to raise the kids with a cooperative and sensible arrangement. If that doesn't happen, you'll still bring up two lovely children and your ex will miss out on some of the most wonderful experiences in life. It's his choice and his life to lead, unfortunately with the best will in the world you can't force him to be a good parent.

It is a bit sad that some experiences won't be shared with the kids dad, but lots might be shared with parents or a stepfather and be just as special. Or simply be between you and the kids, a fantastic bond for the three of you. As an example, one of my most treasured childhood memories was building a fibreglass canoe with my stepdad. It makes no difference to me that I didn't do it with my dad. And the end result didn't sink, because my stepdad was a boatbuilder

Hi Choco, with regard to sharing those little moments, why not make a scrapbook? It means you can document all the 'firsts' with photos, tickets, locks of hair etc, and then when your DSs are older you can regularly sit down and share it all with them.

It means you can still make a big deal out of the little moments that are important, but you don't have to feel like you need H to share them with you unless you really want to rub his nose in how much he has missed out on

thanks for the reassurance guys x

H arrived early with his dad (FIL) today for their time with DS. I invited them both in for a cuppa, showed them the pictures of DS getting his haircut and suggested to H that we bring forward our next sit down chat about contact arrangements by 3 weeks. We'll now have it mid-march instead of mid-april. Said that obviously now things have changed a bit and we're relocated for good, it would be an opportunity to put some proper thought into how things might move on - for the benefit of DS.

I said I would like to be moving towards him spending more time with DS before baby arrives, and that rather than dreading what we both might say about that, maybe we could use this time to get together some ideas for activities he would like, places he can go, days out etc. And also that it would be helpful if things can be built upon with MIL (although I realise it's none of my business how they work things out) so that DS could have a cot for naps over there.

We both agreed that before DS2 arrives we would like to be able to get along well enough to spend afternoons together with both kids, to avoid unnecessary stress for anyone, and so that DS1 gets the most out of his time with daddy, with my support. So we're going to look into things like DS1 going swimming, while I sit in a cafe with baby and have a cuppa - stuff that doesn't mean we have to be 'best buddies' but mean it's not a trade off, of 'my hours' and 'his hours'.

Possibly one of the most draining, but useful half hours I have had recently. I figure my best form of defence against the things I was worrying about earlier is to make damn sure things re: the kids are amicable. If I can be seen to be flexible/reasonable and working towards a more even arrangement I'm less likely to be sprung with unreasonable requests. *sigh

I think I deserve a nap after that.

PS beautiful that sounds amazing! Did you go out in the canoe lots? How cool!! I hope I can encourage my kids to do stuff like that, it sounds ace!

And scrapbooking is a great idea, I shall definitely do that.

Choco you are ALWAYS the bigger person. Wow I'm impressed - I could never be that reasonable! You always put your DCs happiness first

Hi

It's good to know that you managed to be the bigger person.
It must have been REALLY hard, considering.

However, I'm not sure spending afternoons together is the best thing. It might end up being too stressful for you, although your DS is very young.
Wouldn't you be able to leave your DS with your mum, for example, without you being there? You don't have to be in your son's life all the time.

If you keep times separately it may actually be easier in the long term for your DS, as he'll soon get used to having mum and dad separately. Rather than doing it later when it might be more of a shock to his system.

As far as I know, psychologists recommend a clean break.

Besides, it allows you some rest. :)
If you spend afternoons together, your ex will always rely on you to deal with DS and won't learn how to do it himself.
If anything, just a couple of times, and you take a backseat, then let them be by themselves.

Actually I agree with Lueji though. You need to make your own life which does not involve the ex in terms of spending time together, partly to give you a break & help you move on but also to give ex chance to develop his own parenting. Do you think you're just trying (understandably) to keep some control over what happens when DS is with ex?

you are totally right Lueji but it's not about constantly being around DS1, who I'm completely happy about H going off doing stuff with, it's just about the first few weeks (six or so) when DS2 arrives and he has never, ever looked after two kids. DS1 is the only child under 3 he even knows

I will feel happier being around for a bit, and it will make it easier for feeding etc before he is in a routine (and before I get up to speed on expressing which as I recall was effing hard work). Plus it means DS1 will still have a chance to have one of our undivided attention, even though there is a new kid on the block. I don't want or expect to have to do it forever... but I don't want to feel we can't even be in the same room/house together either. DS was much happier today when he got back and H popped in for 10mins then left quietly. So much less stressful than a doorstep handover with clingy tears and hugs :(

I guess time will tell how it actually goes. At least we're trying to get along now, even though it is truly, eye wateringly hard to keep rising above it :(

re-read my post from before. what I meant to say was before DS2 arrives we'd like to be in a place where we can then spend the odd afternoon together, just for the initial bit where there are two of them together. Not that we will be hanging out together while I'm preggo and he has time with DS - no chance. I actually quite like having some time to put my feet up!! I didn't explain that very well before x