how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Glad the scan went well, and congrats on your new little boy :)

choco - have just read back, and wanted to say you've done the right thing absolutely, by going home. it's a short term thing for a long term plan.

congrats on another boy - boys are fab, I have two. :)

ref the ex, mine did the same to me, infact apart from the pg part it's exactly the same. another 'woman', son 18 months an hour or so from home. All I can say is at the time and indeed for a good 2 years after I was still devastated, would cry to my mum asking her to tell me why XH couldn't see what an amazing little boy we had, etc etc, but 4 years on now, and things have changed so much, althou xh is still the same idiot & can't see but you do reconcile that it's his problem not yours.
There will come a day when you'll not have the moments or times when it's all about getting thru the next hour, when you actually look at your XH and literally pity him. for us XH lasted a year with OW, (I think this is partly as she went off with another of his married friends - apparently having a married man to share is fun, having a married man to yourself isn't all it's cracked up to be) and partly as I refuse to let her have anything to do with DS so he was restricted & she didn't like not being centre of his attention. but anyhow, when that day comes, and you see your XH looking a shadow of himself, and knowing he's made a mistake, hold your head up high and walk away pleased - he's done you a favour - it may not seem it right now I know, however he's a selfish selfish man, who doesn't deserve you or your DC's, they deserve a good stable role model.

also you mentioned about your DS being happier and settled at nanna's house - as I say we went home initially for 5 weeks, then moved 10 minutes up the road, but would eat with my parents 3-4 times a week, every week plus pop in most days, it was the best thing I could have done by DS - my dad i'm sure like your parents took both of us under his wing again, to a degree I reverted to the little girl and ds was a little brother, but ultimately DS has stability - a secure strong male figure who's giving a much much better role for how to behave etc than his own dad is. DS & dad still have a very close & special bond.

good luck in your pg - agree with other posters, have your mum there as your birthing partner - you need to be relaxed & feel safe, not worried about xh seeing you at your most vulnerable time, agreed he needs to know, however he can be told either after baby's here, or asked to remain outside the room, this is up to you however.

and very finally, to all of your ladies who are going thru this atm on the thread, remember this, it gets easier, you're all brilliant mummies, you're all fantastic people, my mantra is and was (have to remember sometimes to include dp lol) is 'me & my boy(s) against the world....... don't need no one.... don't want no one.' followed shortly by 'never give in & never surrender' you can and will do this. oh and there's absolutely nothing wrong with curling up next to your dc's on their bed/your bed/the sofa for the night & having a nice sleep, it's oddly reassuring for both of you.

ooh I like Elouan a lot! I already have an A name for DS1 and would like an E name for DS2. I've been thinking Elliot for a while, but am undecided... My mum likes Theodore as it means 'gift from god' which seems apt, but I don't think it's quite right, and if I used it for a middle name sprog would end up being E.T which seems a bit mean lol.

Hello! Welcome to the thread... I wish my experience didn't ring true for so many, but it's so lovely to hear from you all and if sharing what I'm going through has helped anyone at all that really does make me feel better, not that I would wish it on anyone at all :( but I guess a little solidarity goes a long way. David I am so glad your parents were a rock to you too - I agree seeing my DS bond with my dad is very reassuring, and especially now I have two boys to think of I am ever so grateful to have a strong and faithful family role model for them to be loved by and love. H will realise too late what he has missed :( I do pity him, more often than I'd like to. But I try to remember some good advice I got from a RL friend a few months back (when he was being vile but hadn't left for good)... "Don't resent him for missing out on your son. Be grateful you will never have to."

comewhinewithme let me give you a big (((HUG))) this rollercoaster sucks. I would love to find the eject seat and get off too. Your H has just condemned himself to a lifetime of regret and self-doubt - but you don't have to. No matter what, remember you have held true to your marriage and you have given your family the best that you could. Its bitterly frustrating and makes me sick inside when I think of all the things H has cheated us, and himself out of. But I am trying so hard to stay in the day... if I think about next month, or next year, or next Christmas or any of the next 'firsts' I'll get overwhelmed. I'm doing ok today simply because I'm only prepared to think about today. I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. My mantra is the serenity prayer a lot of the time. In case you haven't heard it before, here it is:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I can't change H, I can and will change my life and my sons lives for the better. I can't control his stupid, selfish behaviour. But I can choose how I react to it. I can honour myself and my family even while he trashes it. His opinion of me is not fact. Like a very wise poster told me... my truth cannot be taken from me, as long as I choose to hold onto it. I won't let him rewrite my history, and I know he is only rewriting his own to help him feel ok with his choices. Even if he stays with OW for 40 years his first family will always be a reminder of the bad choices he has made, and I will always know the real H she is living with. I know what their 'love story' is based on - lies, lies, and betrayal. That's not a life I want for myself so she can have him. (I'd tie a bow round his nob and send him over if I could).

I've been given such tremendous strength and wisdom here, thank you so much to everyone helping to lift my spirits every day! I don't know how I'd be able to cope nearly so well without you all - now, keep those names coming!!

Chocoraisin - Having just caught up with your thread... Quite frankly, you ROCK. Given the way you've dealt with all this shit, you are an absolute inspiration.

You will be an amazing role model to your 2 little boys and if they grow up 1/2 as sassy and sensible and amazing as you they'll be doing well. :)

A little baby boy! Choco you will have so much joy from him, you really will. He will be blessed with an amazing mother with solid family love behind her.

I have 2 girls, but if I had a boy I would have loved to call him Felix - though I would have had to win DP around (managed to do that with both the girls though). Ruben was the boys name we both loved.

I love Felix! But my surname is an F name which sounds a bit odd... :)

PS thanks tiger

x

:)

DD1's name is an M, my last name is an M & DP's last name is M (she has his name and then mine) - I wanted to give her a middle name with M so her initials would be MMMM - but chickened out. I "regret" not going for it now.

Sometimes alliteration in a name works - sometimes it doesn't.

Ethan
Elijah
Elliot
Edward
Ethelred

Good Morning everyone! I just wanted to add my support Choco - I'm four and a half years post shitbag who tortured me in a very similar way to your shitbag. It does get better you know, but try to fill that feeling of "why me" with something positive. My shitbag still has the power to ruin my day and the day of my beautiful DS, but it's much less frequent these days so hang on in there. I actually felt such pity for the SB the other day as he was collecting DS (from my mother's house as I don't want him in my lovely new house) How sad must it be to know that not only have you lost your family through sheer idiocy, but to know that you will only ever be a bystander in your DC life? He has no influence over the really important decisions, he just gets to stand on the peripheries of his son's life - firing bullets in the general direction of me (he misses more than he hits these days). This newly discovered pity has given me such a sense of calmness - I adore my amazing, gorgeous, hilarious warm boy with every inch of me (and that's alot of inches) and he loves me...nothing else really matters does it? Good luck Choco...your world will be ok, and you will be the best Mummy ever xxx

PS...I have a Theo...Because you inspire me so much, you are welcome to share the name...truly a gift from God xxx

I've just read your entire thread, just wanted to say what an amazing person and mother you are. And congratulations! Two baby boys
They are very lucky to have a wonderful mummy like you :) x

Ive always loved Gabriel for a boy. That name was vetoed by the fathers concerned but I think it's a beautiful angelic name

Gabriel seems to be more popular - I know two babies who were born in December with that name ... Maybe it's just the Christmas connotation?

hello everyone... thank you miracle and livelaughlove, I am really touched by how lovely and encouraging you all are.

Feeling a bit poo just now, DS has been collected by H for his afternoon out. I am proud of myself though. Managed to be cheerful and give DS a nice kiss and cuddle and wish them all a lovely afternoon.

SIL brought my niece and nephew over to say hi at lunchtime, and they are all going out (H, SIL, DS, DNephew and DNiece) to the aquarium today. I know he will have an absolutely lovely time and will really enjoy spending time with all his family so I'm not at all worried about them going off today which is a nice change. And I was really nice to everyone, packed him up his bag on time before they got here, sent a scan pic and nursery info for H to look over with his stuff. I also know it will take a while for them to get there and travel back so I've said not to worry about being on the dot home for 5. There's no point being a bitch about things so I'm trying to rise above it all... :(

I'm really grateful for SIL helping things along by being there and being so cheerful about it, it takes some of the pressure off when it's just me and H doing handovers. I definitely feel better being here though - yet more confirmation (as if I needed it) that it was right to come home. DS was super happy to see H too, and I hope he will get right into the routine of it here, whereas back 'home' at the flat he just got upset and stressed that H didn't come in or stay.

So, given that I've been up since 4am with DS now I just have a few jobs to do - calling the tax credits people again, cooking up a storm - then I'm going to have a lie down. Thanks for all the hand holding, it really helps x

Sounds like you deserve a lie down. Enjoy the peace and quiet. My not-so-little ones are upstairs 'packing' to go to their dad's...so far this has taken about two hours, involved lots of shrieking and a great deal of sitting idly in front of laptops which is not all like what I'm doing right now

My ds is called Ewan,

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't give that weak pathetic excuse of a man any more of your precious time :) xx

You are doing just fine, and it will get easier, time is your friend xx

Thanks piella and Huey

I know three Gabriels now too, it must be on an upward trend, Ewan is a lovely name too :)

H said we'd have to sit down and talk about names I said not until the week before baby comes. didn't mention I would have picked one by then as we argued so much last time. He wanted to call DS Horatio, or Isembard. I liked Elijah and Rowan. Talk about an impass!

In the end I named DS as something of a fait accompli right after the emergency delivery... I doubt anyone would have argued with me at that point!

do you have any nice plans for your time without the DC's piella?

Have been following your thread choco and you are a bloody hero. You have incredible strength and are doing your boys proud!

As for H talking names with you, he must be so detached from reality! I think you forfeit that right when you abandon your family. I bet if he wasn't studying he'd be the sort of man to take paternity leave just because it's his entitlement. You pick whatever name you like, though it wouldn't hurt if it was one he hated and tell him he's bloody lucky he's on the birth certificate!

Take care of yourself x

I just spent almost £200 on nursery furnishings... ooops. This is why you don't shop while feeling a little bit sad/reckless! My DF and DM are out tonight so it's just me, the laptop and my debit card.

Note to self - never ever 'just browse' the Little White Company again.

Still they have the most beautiful matching sets now... DS1 has the LWC sail boats junior quilt and pillow, DS2 has a little baby blue boats cot bumper, sail boats printed swaddling cloths and matching red/white and blue stripy knitted cot blankets.

I am feeling a bit sad and funny. H was so chipper when dropping off DS, like it was all fab and wonderful that he was heading off to a hotel with FIL for the night and wasn't it so much fun that they went out for the afternoon. I know that its better for DS (who was hysterical again when daddy left) to be upbeat about it, but honestly it makes me feel so bloody disposable again. Like it's nothing to him that me and DS are living here now :(

wallows and breaks open bag of giant buttons

You realise that it may well be a front for your benefit? :-)
(in any case, it may help to think of it like this)
He may well also be wondering how you looked so upbeat.

BTW, Horatio or Isembard would never be an impass. Is that man for real, even?

I like Ewan, particularly if it has McGregor next to it. If only... :o

he also tabled Mortimer, Oden, Darwin and Montgomery. And was most upset that I vetoed Maverick.

mmmmm Mr McGregor... I do agree :)

Maybe you're right. or maybe he's a sociopath