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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 20:26

lol @ lessons... I'd rather not have the experience to offer tbh but bless you for saying so!

He replied to my email asking for a once weekly update, by saying good idea, now what do you intend to do about money blah blah... totally ignoring my request for space and the specific request to stop contacting me every day. I've not replied. I will give a weekly update as I said I would, incorporating the financial information etc... but until he gets the message I can't stop him emailing etc.

I think it's hard to separate in this day and age especially as you have phones/laptops/emails on your phone etc so you really have no digital space from someone even if you do have physical space. Creating a break in the virtual world is much harder than it is in the real world as I don't really want to change my email/number etc just because he's a dick. It's just one more hassle for me and I guess for now, it's one I am not prepared to do yet.

My MIL sort of invited herself to the scan tomorrow which I don't think is really a good idea so I am intending to handle that one by asking her very nicely to babysit DS for a couple of hours, as he would love some grandma time... I just don't feel comfortable telling H he's not welcome then going with his mum. It is far too political for my liking and just won't be helpful. Not to mention the fact that I don't really want to spend 2 hours listening to her dealings with H and how its making her feel - I'm worn out. My dad will drive me and I would much prefer to just have some bloody space right now. I don't want to be so nice all the time... but I'm not sure how to toughen up either :(

You'll prob all laugh at me when I say I was training to be a life coach before all this happened. I wanted to be a family coach, planning on working with parents/teens going through problems to work on developing constructive relationships. Seems a bit ironic that I haven't managed to have a good family relationship in my own home now. Needless to say the study has been shelved for the last 6 months, and I can hardly face the thought of picking it up. Although I don't want to give up on my dream job either, it just feels pretty tarnished right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 20:33

x-posted, thanks snowy and AF. Wish I could have a cuppa and a hug in RL right now with some of you guys! My parents are lovely but they are happily married 36 years down the line and sometimes I feel bad telling them how rough I feel, I know they feel a bit out of their depth with it. Also, I am trying to hold onto being an adult even though I'm back home in my old bedroom etc. It's hard not to feel like a bit of a silly teenager but I guess that's my shit, not theirs. They aren't treating me like a child I just feel like an idiot by default!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 20:35

erm, I could do with a bit of help with my teenage daughter Blush Smile

Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 20:37

haha Grin I am still totally unqualified - but I imagine you're doing a smashing job AF, if you're as supportive and truthful in RL as you are here! Grin

OP posts:
EverybodysSnowyEyed · 15/02/2012 20:37

If you lived near me you would be very welcome!

Re the family coach - I wouldn't worry. The nurse in our surgery who advises on weight and addictions is fat and is often caught having a cigarette out the back! Doesn't mean she doesn't know what she's talking about!!

Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 20:39

lol :) I once met an anorexia counsellor who was at least 18st and I did have a little wonder about what her clients thought about that... Blush judgy, me? never...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 20:45

ah truth therein lies the problem

me : "you are not studying enough and you are not going to get the grades you need for that college course you want to do" (completely true)

dd : "stop trying to control my life, you don't know anything about me and what I want, I hate you, you act like my jailer not my mum"

< ahem >

anyway, I know a dietician with anorexia Shock

Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 20:49

haha, yep sounds about right :) I recall saying very similar things to my mum half a lifetime ago!! Gotta love the teens. Nothing like a gross overstatement to start a conversation :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 20:56

gah

HipHopOpotomus · 15/02/2012 20:57

From what I've seen here I think you'd make a great family/life coach. You have shown a fantastic ability to dig deep, face the bad scary shit, and do what has to be done for the long term even though it is incredibly difficult now. You've not taken the so called easy route, you've not taken the banshee route (though you've prob been tempted at times). You are dealing with your emotions plus the physical daily life and you are sloWly slowly slowly moving towards a much better place. And you seem to be intelligent and intuitive. All great personal skills for coaching.

I hope you find the space and time to pick up your studies at some point if that's what you want to do.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2012 20:58

hear hear

Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 21:13

thank you so much :) I didn't realise quite how much I've been needing a vote of confidence today. I was reading the 7 habits of highly effective families over Christmas (even bought a spare copy for H when I was still naive and hopeful - gah indeed) but I've not been able to even stomach looking at it lately!

slowly slowly slowly feels about right. There's no quick road is there :( reminds of we're going on a bear hunt... can't go over it, can't go round it, we'll have to go through it... read that to DS the other night and nearly started sobbing. I'm getting a bit sick of having to tell him it's ok, mummy just has a leaky face!

OP posts:
Lueji · 15/02/2012 21:14

He contacts you because he is unhappy and he wants you to be too.
I fully agree.

Now, on e-mails, I have put in place a rule that send all of my exs e-mails to a separate folder, so that I only read them when I want to. You could also automatically send them to a separate e-mail account and delete from your normal account.

Not sure about txt messages, it may depend on your phone, but you could possibly block them and tell him that it's e-mail or nothing.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 15/02/2012 21:22

I didn't know you could do that Lueji, I'll have to check out my email settings and see if I can sort that out...

snowy I am going to write that and stick it on my bathroom mirror "the best revenge is living a happy life"

I bloody well intend to in the end.

OP posts:
EverybodysSnowyEyed · 15/02/2012 21:25

I think that may be Mumsnet copyrighted before I get any credit!!!

LifeHope11 · 15/02/2012 21:32

Dear chocoraisin, just to say I have been following your thread....just want to add my good wishes & respect for how you have coped so far with the situation that you have been placed in & everything you have had to deal with. I am sure that you will come through this hard time & that things will get better for you. And if it's a 'vote of confidence' you need here is (yet another) one from me!

piellabakewell · 15/02/2012 21:43

Don't wait for the end, choco, start now!

I moved out from marital home almost two years ago and changed my last name back straight away. I had an email address that was firstnamelastname and I kept using it for only one purpose - email contact with exH. After a horrendous weekend away during which he phoned me, text me and emailed me for spurious reasons in a non-urgent, intrusive way, I said to myself that I had no need for that email account to be on my phone and I deleted it. I now check it weekly on my laptop. You need to put some cyberspace between yourself and him. Change your name if you want (my DDs couldn't care less that my name is different to theirs), set up a new email account (the hassle will be worth it) and push him a little further out of your life.

saffronwblue · 16/02/2012 01:27

choco you radiate sense, insight, dignity and compassion. You would make a terrific life coach and you are going to go on to lead a terrific life. Your kids are so, so lucky.
Setting boundaries is going to make you stronger- I so admire everything you are doing.
Try not to get too drawn into your MIL's stuff. Her relationship with your H is different from yours. At some time she will forgive him and accept him back into her life. You do not have to facilitate their relationship. You just have to keep thinking about every new proposition or situation "will this meet my or my children's needs?"
Here is my vote of confidence and sorry I am in Australia and only able to send a virtual hug.

AThingInYourLife · 16/02/2012 08:15

Enjoy the scan today! :)

Hope it all goes well - let us know.

midwife99 · 16/02/2012 09:02

Good luck today - you remind me of the old strong me when I was a single parent 8 years ago. It was hard having a newborn & 2 other children but having that baby all to myself was a truly magical time. We were in a little love bubble & the ex missed it all. His loss. You will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes while he self loathes.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 16/02/2012 12:35

thanks all! Off in an hour, exciting! Not a peep from H today so far, bliss.

Been to view a lovely nursery with DS this morning too which he really liked so I'm feeling a bit more upbeat today :) I'm just chipping away at the to do list...

midwife you can be strong again, I've been following your thread - you deserve happiness and freedom too - (((hug)))

I'll be back in a bit to let you know how it went!

OP posts:
kodachrome · 16/02/2012 12:37

I hope bump poses nicely for you Grin.

mamasin · 16/02/2012 12:40

Echoing kodachrome, hope you have some lovely pics and you've managed to shake off MIL, find your strength very uplifting and inspirational, think you'd be a great life coach...

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 16:52

< waits for news of the scan >

owlelf · 16/02/2012 17:08

.