how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

choco, have read all the rest but not posted before...however I seem to be the first one up this morning to answer you!

He cannot insist on coming in the scan room with you even if he does turn up at the hospital. I know MIL will be there and you don't want a scene, but YOU are allowed to say who you want present during a procedure on YOUR body and no medical professional would say otherwise. If he wants to make a fuss, just remind him (loudly and publicly) that he chose to someone else and as a result, your relationship is over and so is your desire to have him present during the scan. He can wait outside and you will let him know the outcome.

By the way, I agree with everyone else on here that you have handled the whole situation brilliantly and if I were wearing one, I would take my hat off to you.

thank you, I have bitten the bullet so to speak and didn't actually wait for any advice... I emailed him to say I'm sorry but I don't want him there. It's not good for me and although I will help him see the children as much as possible the pregnancy is something I need to deal with on my own terms. So I will share info but that's all.

Will update when he replies :(

Morning piella btw, little ones got you up early? DS is in a foul mood today!!

That's good, nice to see you're firmly in charge :)

My little ones are 12 and 14 so no danger of them surfacing for at least two hours. DP was here last night and left for work at 6.30, it's half term so I don't have to go anywhere, so I am sitting in bed with laptop and tea enjoying the peace and quiet and MN :)

Do inform the midwives and other staff, especially if they are taking your blood pressure, as it is liable to be raised. I know my MWs would have been willing to try to keep him away, as it won't be good for you, for him to be anywhere near.

Yes, get some control back in the situation and you will feel better. My ex is in "nice" mode at the moment too but there is usually an ulterior motive. Last week he went out and spent loads of money on the children buying clothes, turned out he had spent a lot more on OW for valentines!. I think now and again their conscience pricks a bit and they try and do some half arsed gesture- grrrr!

thanks guys. I'm going back to bed for an hour, my lovely mum has agreed to have DS for me for a bit so I can catch up. This whole thing is just a shitty emotional train wreck. I can't stand having to hear how sad he is or how he's flaking out on placement... the least he can do after leaving us for someone on his course is to damn well graduate so he can provide for his kids

can you BELIEVE he actually asked in the email when my due date is?? FFS its a 20 weeks scan. Do the math if you really can't remember!! he was there at the dating scan so he should damn well know. GOD I am so sick of this.

Get some rest and try and put him out of your mind for a bit. You are doing great, keep going x

Um, yeah, I can easily believe that.

He has been completely preoccupied with other things, I'd be amazed if he could remember.

Well done for telling him you don't want him there. You are quite right - the pregnancy is your business and you must deal with it as you see fit.

He has a fucking cheek demanding to be at the scan.

Have you told him yet to stop whining to you about his "emotions"? how he feels is none of your concern. That he thinks you should have to get late night e-mails like that from him after what he has done to you and your son and while you are pregnant is a measure of his utter, utter selfishness.

Hope you get some rest.

Time to reconsider direct contact with him? If someone else (your Mum) was running interference, you would not have to be repeatedly upset by his cruel insensitivity.

You have been so brave & strong - you are an inspiration! The only time you waver is when you get one of his emails or texts. I think you should stop this ongoing "conversation" with your ex. Do not reply. Next contact with DS can be arranged either as a regular day & time or as he drops him off from the last contact. Change your number or email address if necessary. You need to just look after you & DS. He made his bed, let him lie in it inc dealing with his other relatives & flat sale etc etc. Good luck with scan x

Well done for telling him to stay away.

I'd set days for the visits and that's all. No need for contact after that, at least until the baby is born.

Poor him with so much on his plate...

Good advice - but we actually have a regular visit plan, he just keeps trying to change it. Not a huge amount, but where he has two afternoons a week for now, he wants two mornings this week, or a morning and an afternoon instead here and there to make it more convenient. I'm fed up of getting emails or texts asking me what he should do with him too - I just moved here myself, he can surely ask his mum/sister what's on or just look online like I have to? As for the due date I've totally ignored that request. Bloody insulting and ridiculous.

I've emailed him today to ask him to stick to his scheduled times as the routine is important for DS to settle. I have offered to email him once a week about how he is doing/routine/health etc and he can email me once a week to let me know about his general plan for visits (so I can make sure the right clothes etc are packed) and to give me notice - for the following week, not the next day - if he is having difficulty making those times. If so I'll be flexible where possible, but I want the routine in place for all our benefits.

I've also agreed to a once a week Skype call so he can see DS midweek, but I don't have to be the one to do it with DS, so I'm ok with that. And that's not the time to talk about grown up stuff, it's just for DS to see him. As he gets bigger DS can make those calls all by himself.

My new mantra is 'boundaries, boundaries, boundaries'. I will not be an open book and I don't want 10pm texts any more. No way.

I'll take it all to my lawyer on Monday anyway to see if there is anything else I should do. If needs be I'll get a phone that is purely for H to call about DS and only turn it on when he has him, or at scheduled times, to stop all the crappy random shit (thanks MNetters for that suggestion!)

Sounds like you got some sleep since your posts this morning :)

It's great that you have your Mum there to help you out like that. I'm sure you're tired enough anyway without all this extra stress.

Sounds like you have a good plan. It must be very hard to know where to draw boundaries when massive changes have been thrust on you so suddenly.

You are doing so well and recovering your composure so quickly after each setback :)

Sounds like you're on the right track.

He will muck you about endlessly, because everything is about him (in his world), so you're right to get those boundaries in. Be ready to stand firm.

Enjoy the scan tomorrow.

oh choco it is so unfair that he is doing this to you. On top of everything else he is doing to you - how bloody dare he. He wants to have his "I'm a great Dad" lovely cosy family cake and shag OW too.

Makes me very very cross!

I suggest setting up someone (your mum?) as a filter. He doesn't GET direct contact with you. He doesn't GET to whine at you about his feelings, to lean on you for emotional support. He doesn't GET you as his emotional punching bag/sponge.

You know why? Because he's shagging another woman. He chose to do that. He chose to destroy your marriage, and trashed the family you two built together, that's why. And now he wants a supportive wife to listen to him? To play happy families when it suits him?

The bloody cheek of the man!

xposts - sounds like you have the right idea. typing slowly with grabby toddler vying for the key board!

ah choco I know it's still a huge roller-coaster you are on, but you are doing brilliantly, you really are. Full of admiration for you. Keep setting those boundaries, taking those naps and letting your family help you both.

choco, you are awesome

that is all

Choc, have been following your thread and just wanted to echo everyone else on here. You are amazing. I probably wont get near laptop tomorrow (finally off for the last of half term) but wanted to wish you luck with your scan tomorrow.x x

hey guys, thank you so much for the replies. AF I really don't feel awesome right now :( I'm feeling really low and tired. It seems like such a long road ahead to reclaim some independence. I feel so lost sometimes and so sad, all the bullshit from H just reminds me he doesn't miss me. He doesn't care about me. Or the kids. He just wants to wind me up, or mess me around. All the while he has someone else to cuddle up to, to talk to, to confide in. I am negotiating a minefield with keeping things going ok - my family, his family, my own needs, the kids needs... I feel so empty. I just can't imagine where my life will be six months from now, going to the scan alone is what I want to do. But it's making me worry about the birth now too. Will I do that alone? Will I want to? What is this life going to be like for me and my children?

And for the first time I am really feeling the kick of wanting to know why, why me? Why my family? What did we ever do to deserve him treating us like this? What was the fucking point? Why didn't I see what a selfish prick he was before I committed myself to him... just why. Why. I know there is no reason that will satisfy me, but it hurts right now. And I wish so much that it didn't :(

< but you really are awesome >

Don't have him at the scan and don't have him as your birth partner

Those roles would be better fulfilled by someone who wishes you well

You're bound to swing emotionally between the practical coping stuff to the devastation. I'm so sorry. You will come through and the sun will shine again.

Could your mum be at the birth with you? You'll need someone you can trust.

You're going to make a lovely life for yourself and your babies. It can and will get better for you.

Can you drop most of the contact with your h? If he's continuing to offload crap onto you via texting/phoning, then you need to get that second phone or something.

I've just read the whole thread. You are amazing and I am in total awe of your dignity and control wrt your ex.

You should give lessons :)

He has a right to know how his unborn baby and a right to know the baby once born.

he does not have the right to be involved in your pregnancy and that means he has no right to attend midwife,scans, the birth etc. Don't even waver on that - this is all about you and your health.

And don't imagine he has some cosy relationship where he's confiding his deepest feelings. No woman wants to hear that all the time. He is not living in a romantic bliss. He contacts you because he is unhappy and he wants you to be too. Follow the old mantra "the best revenge is leading a happy life"

you can do it! You have a great DS and it sounds like your parents are fantastic too. and soon you'll have a lovely little baby. You will come out of this a stronger happier person. he will still be a dickhead

It's ok to be an emotional mess, choco

when we say how great we think you are, we mean the steps you have taken

I know you don't feel great, or awesome
you wil start to feel better one day soon, though, I promise x