how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

hi guys, I hope you're all doing great today :)

Me and DS have had a funny day, he's really beside himself with tiredness and won't eat or settle to anything. I'm about to do bedtime routine now at 4.30pm!! I hope he feels better after a nice long sleep.

I'm ok too, been checking off my list - doc appt made, lawyer appt made, work spoken to, nursery cancelled... lots more to get on with but at least it's progress.

H texted again about selling the flat (which I can't arrange, as my name isn't on the mortgage) because he won't speak to his mum (who co-owns it), apparently they are now 'out of contact' by his choice. :( I'm really sad for her. I've lost my H which is shit, but she's lost the son she knew and loved - I hope they sort it out, I can't imagine my DS blanking me for months on end because I was upset with him. Sounds like he's trying to blackmail her into supporting him emotionally by refusing to acknowledge her unless she accepts what he's done. Shit, utterly shit.

Still - she's coming to the scan with me on thursday. I hope that she knows she's welcome to be part of the kids lives regardless, but I do worry that me involving her like that (she asked to come, I saw no reason not to agree) is making it worse between them. Should I cool things off a bit? Or is that silly? I don't know why I should worry really - it's up to them if they get along. I just don't know if I should do anything differently :(

I don't think you should cool things off if you don't want to. There isn't any need to pander to his childishness- like you say, he is probably emotionally blackmailing her into supporting him. That's a horrible thing to do to anyone (especially his mother) and I don't think your behaviour is making it worse. You aren't pouring poison in her ear about him or telling her she has to support you and only you or anything terrible like that. By letting her come you're letting her know you value her and want her to be around, which must be very reassuring for her in the present situation- her son has behaved terribly and she might feel unsure about what to do and say. So supporting you as much as she can is what she wants to do.

I personally think it's pointless to alter your behaviour towards her in the hope of getting a rational response from someone like your H, who is behaving so irrationally. It'll be you and your MIL who loses out, and he might be glad that you aren't close and continue being horrible to her anyway.

That's good news.

I'd not respond regarding the flat. He has to sort it with his mum.

And it's her call, really. I'm sure she realises what type of man he is. I'm sure she has told him off, so she must be upset with him too. Only most mums don't cut contact with misbehaving children.

you are doing a lovely thing by letting your MIL know that she is and will always be your DCs granny. Your shithead ex will have to grow up about the fact that his (clearly sane) mother thinks he is making shitty, shitty choices.

It is likely their relationship will improve over time, but there is no no no reason for your relationship with her to suffer at this time.

Plus, a little wicked part of me says: it is making your shithead ex uneasy. Good!

she hasnt cut contact herself, he won't take her calls and has had his dad (her XH) email her to say she has to go through him to speak to my H. We all know what a scumbag FIL is so I don't blame her for not bothering right now :(

Hi choco. I think there is a great chance that DS will be back to his sunny self once he has had a good rest. My usually lovely little boy finds everything too much when he is tired, to the point that he will cry to get out of the bath and then cry because he wants to get back in!

Regarding H's mum, she is in a tricky situation, as are you. I think she will be petrified that she will loose contact with her GCs and very very angry with her son.

It is complicated but if you get on and she is a fair person I think that it is great that you are involving her. In the future she may be able to make contact between H and DC easier and form an important link for Dc to their father's side of the family- which I know is important to you. I am not suprised that she has fallen out with H, she probably told him a few truths about his terrible behaviour which he will have hated.

Bear in mind though that they are likely to make up in the future and sadly once some time has passed she may decide to accept what he has done. With this in mind I wouldn't say anything to her that might cause a problem if it was repeated. Steer clear of the politics of the situation with her.

I wouldn't cool things off with her for H's sake. Do what feels right for you and DC.

Don't cool things off with her unless you are finding it difficult, or uncomfortable to see her.

She's your MIL, she's your family too. If you want to see her, and she you, then that is great under the circumstances for both of you and DS (and eventually the new baby).

Her relationship with her son is her business. Of course she is upset with him, as well she should be.

This, like everything else, is on him.

You are not to blame. It is nothing to do with you any more. His shit life is his problem.

Glad you are enjoying being being back with your parents. You seem much more relaxed and at ease.

It's been a tough couple of weeks for your DS - it's a good sign that he's tired and ready to sleep. He's probably more relaxed too :)

Will you have to change hospitals now?

Exciting about your scan on Thurs. Mine is tomorrow (won't find out gender - hospital policy.) :) It's nice news either way - 2 boys would be great, a boy and a girl would be sweet.

Take care xx

Having read your last post it sounds like H is afraid of speaking to his mum because she holds the power to making him feel very very rubbish about what he has done. They will sort things in their own time.

Making her go through her ExH to talk about the flat is ridiculous and horrible. Why should she?! Does he not ever care about his own mother (why am I suprised?).

I don't think you should get too involved until you have had legal advice about next steps regarding the flat. Sounds like MIL might benefit from some legal advice too- although I wouldn't suggest that yourself.

"she hasnt cut contact herself, he won't take her calls and has had his dad (her XH) email her to say she has to go through him to speak to my H."

God he really is a grade A twerp, isn't he?

Nasty, misogynist little fucker.

I would never wish the pain you are going through on anyone, but I find it hard not to be very glad a woman as cool as you will no longer be saddled with a loser like him.

He's hiding behind his family-abandoning Dad?

To protect his fragile soul from his own Mum? The woman who raised him when the shitbag he's hiding behind walked out on all of them?

He is despicable.

choco, your MIL's relationship with him is her own affair

although it is sad for her, it is quite obvious he is trying to hold her to ransom so that she will condone what he did. She should stick to her principles

get her to post on Gransnet, thy will tell her the same

I'm staying clear of all conversations about the flat etc now, I don't have any say in when/how it is marketed so I would rather not deal with it. I have an appt next week for legal advice myself so am keeping shtum until then. We have the first weekend contact to get through down here friday/saturday - I think that's enough to be getting on with. I'm sticking to my guns now I'm back, I'll only discuss DCs related stuff.

No idea where H will stay when he comes down, prob with a friend if he isn't prepared to speak to his mum. That's a worry for me, as I don't know where he will take DS when he has him, or who he will take him to see :( part of the advice I need is how much (if any) say I have in what arrangements he makes for the sake of DS. I suspect not much, so I will just have to suck it up for the time being. But I really wish we could just chat about this kind of thing properly. It has been a waste of time so far though, so it's prob wishful thinking.

you are all completely right about MIL btw, and it helps to be reassured on that front, thank you x

Definitely don't 'cool' things with your MIL. A) you need all the support you can get & B) she is your childrens' gran, none of this is their or her fault and they don't deserve to suffer anymore than they are already. As I said earlier, I would at some stage, tell her that you understand he is her son and that you wont hold it against her if she accepts the OW as part of his life (if you mean it) - because it's not really fair to make her choose.

He really is a prize twat - not content with hurting you and your DS & bump, but then to do this to his mother as well... twat.

Sadly you don't have any control over what he does, where he goes, who he sees etc when he has DS, unless you feel DS is in danger :( [likewise though, he gets no say in your life]. Do you trust him to look after DS properly?

These men who can't keep their dick in their pants hurt so many people don't they ?

they really do, AF.

Bastards.

What's so funny (excuse me, digressive self-absorbed musing ahoy!) is that I worry that I come across as someone with an axe to grind on these threads, when in fact (so far, touch wood, etc) I've been fortunate enough to date considerate, honest men. But it just makes me livid that people can be so selfish, so unkind to the family they've created, so unfair and so forgetful of their marriage vows and responsibilities just because they've got a romeo and juliet feeling about something or someone that they can't bloody grow out of.

It's so bloody cruel.

Black , contrary to some people's opinion (on here) I don't have a particular axe to grind either

I am not a bitter, dumped woman who wants to see otherwise good relationships trashed ("all you leave-the-bastard posters just want to see men punished, 'cos you is haterzzz innit" blah blah blah)

I gave up trying to explain I post from a place of being in a good relationship, with mutual respect and that should be the bare minimum we can expect, a long time ago

< ends musing >

I know what you both mean :( I donated some stuff to womens aid over Christmas and have had the opportunity to work with them on occasion, I will always remember on of the crisis workers telling me she got cross with her 15yoDD and told her she didn't know how lucky she was.... her DD pointed out that it shouldn't be lucky to be treated with respect, to be given nice things, and to have a safe home. Sometimes you do come across such shit awful stuff in life it helps to remember it is not normal.

This isn't how life should be, and it's not how everyone's life turns out. Love exists and good relationships are possible, I know that. I just got blindsided this time - I guess it really is true it takes two to tango. You can't just hope that someone will return your respect, you have to actually make sure they do, and pick someone who is capable of it :(

Don't worry my faith in love isnt totally dead. Happy Valentines to all of you with lovely DPs and to those who don't have a lovely DP, remember to love yourself today. I won't be sitting at home sobbing that there's no red card on my doormat today. I don't need validation from H or anyone else to know I'm ok - however nice and life affirming that might be!!

(although of course it helps that my DM made a lovely card from DS for me with red sweetie wrappers stuck all over it lol)

What an utter fool your ex is, Choco. Turning his back on a woman with such integrity and strength to shag a woman who is morally bankrupt. One day he might realise his mistake. Have you considered that? Please steel yourself for the possibilty that he may try and crawl back. I sincerely hope he doesn't and that he stays with OW so that they can't inflict their particularly vile brand of selfish cruelty on anyone else. Never has the phrase "they deserve each other" been more true.

By next Valentine's Day you will realise what a lucky escape you had. There are loads of wonderful men out there and I'm sure that if you ever decide you'd like to fall in love again you'll be able to take your pick. You deserve so much better than all this shite. Karma.

choco, he will try to crawl back one day

just like VB's stupid ex is trying to do

< waves to VB >

I don't need validation from H or anyone else to know I'm ok

Chocoraisin I'm in absolute awe of you and your handling of this. You are so dignified in the face of all his shite. Don't forget the above statement and good luck for your scan on Thursday.

aww. I am SO glad you're with your parents, choco - it makes so much sense, and you deserve a bit of taking-care-of. How sweet of your DM!

And yes, AF, I am very 'lucky' in that what I have seems out of the ordinary... but it bloody well shouldn't be!

choco I hope you have a lovely day with your DS and little bump, take things easy and let yourself be taken care of.

That's the spirit! :)

Hi Choco, you have a very big heart. As others have said H is an utter fool and I agree that he is highly likely to bitterly regret his actions in the future.

With regard to how much control you have over his time with DS, I agree with Chipping- unfortunately unless you feel DS is in danger I don't think that legally speaking you have much of a say .

However, if H has any sense he will realise that he needs to demonstrate that he is willing and able to act in the best interests of DS. As such, he ought to be willing to make plans in advance and sticking to them, adapting their time together to fit in with DS' routine to a certain extent, and not confusing the situation by introducing any third parties at this stage.

IMO it would be worth picking your battles here- making reasonable requests and explaining why you are making them, rather than throwing a lot of terms and conditions and him and giving him the chance to decide that you are being awkward. I know you wouldn't be deliberately awkward and you shouldn't have to think like this after all he has put you through, but it will work in your favour in the end.

I know that the thought of H allowing DS to spend time with his whore must be like torture. I wish I could think of a way to make it easier . I wonder whether by asking him not to do this you might make them both more determined to go against your request? Hopefully now that he has a big distance to travel to see DS he may decide to come alone.

Keep a diary of their contact just in case in the future you need back up.

Good luck for your scan to tomorrow.

great. Fucking marvellous. Total about turn by H who now wants to come to scan with me tomorrow. I DO NOT want him there.

But I kind of invited him (well, I told him when it was) thinking there was no way he would come :( he was totally disinterested in the first place. Now I really do not want to share this with him, I feel vulnerable and I want to enjoy it - I don't have any desire to have him come with me. How the fuck do I get out of it now?

Have spoken to him a bit recently about DS (who is struggling with all the changes) as I agreed to 'keep him in the loop' and he's suddenly playing good daddy (barf) trying to get involved with which nursery I send him to etc now I've moved (WTF?) Not to mention slipping in crap about how emotional he is and how he needs time off placement to 'cope with his situation' etc. I just want to tell him to get fucked frankly.

Especially as he emailed me off his phone last night at 10.30pm clearly having been out with OW for valentines to tell me he was coming on thursday. Um, cheers. You Cunt. Apologies for offensive word... I feel it is deserved today.