how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

but completely in awe of you!

I have sat and read this thread from start to finish and am gobsmacked at the coldness and shittiness of your H but TOTAL RESPECT to you!

I wonder how often he will make time to visit your son now.

All the best for the future and keep posting.

xx

I'm so glad you're being so well looked after and welcomed.

Great to hear you are so well looked after :)

Being cosseted for a while will do you the world of good.

As much as I'm sure your parents wish they didn't have to, I bet they're very glad to be able to help out.

my MIL just dropped in to give me a hug, she heard I was back.

:) that was really lovely of her.

hopefully H will come every friday/saturday... I really hope he does for DS sake. He deserves that at the very least :(

Your parents sound lovely (like mine) - it's good to know you can always go home - even if they drive you nuts

How nice that your MIL dropped around and lovely that she feels able to.

I guess H will come up more often if his mother will accept having the OW in her home. Tough one for her :(

I'm so glad you've gone home to your parents Choco. Where you were living was unbearable. Settle in there and I wish you many good and new things in your new life.

The change of scene and company will do you the world of good. Take care of yourself and your babies x

I've finished reading your thread Choco, and I'm not surprised your Relate counsellor cried at hearing what your ex has done to you. He has been unbelievably cruel and wounding. From what you've said, it comes across that your pain is an important result for him, it seems like it is at least in part the hurting you is deliberate.

Don't have anything useful to add, I just wish you, your ds, and your baby when it arrives, all the very best. You deserve it, and I'm sure you will get it.

I would have to kick him out. you have been away a month and he has gone back to being single, pack his bags and get him out

That's great news.

Good to know your outlook is already more positive.
Your parents and MIL seem great.

Just curious, though, because you still call him H. I guess he still is in your heart?

Still with you choco

I guess he is still her husband, lu, note she didn't type the usual DH used so much on MN

So glad to hear your parents are looking after you!
When's your baby due? Just think how sweet it will be to have a snuggly newborn again. I'm not saying it's going to be easy in any way but what a lovely thing to look forward to...

Hi Choco, finally tracked your thread down and have read it all.

You are doing so so so well. Can't reiterate that enough. Even though you won't feel like it much at times, you really are.

And I can imagine wanting to put this painful horrible stage on fast-forward and wanting to get to the good bit that everyone says is off in the future. All I can say from experience is that your H, who clearly is cast in the same factory as other fuckwit unfaithful yet deluded (FUDs) husbands, that he might do and say things that upsets you for days that you think has set you back, but really it's all hot air, and you are gradually climbing a slow ascent to peace, contentment and yes, happiness.

And you sound like you have such a lovely family welcoming you back into the cocoon, happy to help with ds and nb.

And MN is just simply superb for letting you rant, giving you perspectives you never thought of and for wrapping you up in un-MNetty hugs!

Hi Choco, I never really post but I felt I had to as our situations are so similar. I have read the whole thread and like others am in awe of you. One day you will look back at this time and gather strength from what u have beenthrough.

I have been where you are; exH had an affair while I was pregnant and had 2 yr old and left days after my son was born. I was devastated in shock etc so know exactly how u feel. I won't bore you with my long long story but would echo the sentiments of other posters. . Your H will rewrite history, and while with the OW will be hurtful and cruel. Try and detach from it all and focus on your baby. Your baby will bring you emmense happiness, strength and focus when she/ he arrives I promise and you will cope. I amnot going to lie. I am 16 months on and still in pain but I have coped, divorced him and live for my amazing children. In true cliche style my exH now regrets it bitterly, OW long gone, and he desperately wants me back. I can't forgive nor forget the hell I have been through so there is no chance for us but we are amicably sharing the children and I have managed. I am telling u this so you know it will get easier, you will move on, and u will be happy again.

Your family sound amazing- I am so glad u have them. Please pm me if you would like to chat as believe me I know how you feel right now. Mumsnet has been so so useful to me to read of others unfortunately going through what I am. Look after yourself and good luck with everything. Keep focussing on your baby; you have so much to look forward to and so much that he will miss out on. Lots of love xxxxxxx

Well done Choco. Your new life has begun and it will get better slowly but surely. I'm 18 months down the line from a betrayal that nearly ripped my heart out and destroyed my sanity but I'm happier now than I have been for years. These type of men are cruel and selfish beyond belief but they are the ones who have lost everything, especially their dignity and self respect. These men have a very low self esteem and are to be pitied ultimately. But I waste no time pitying my ex. I'm too busy living my wonderful new life which is full of people with integrity who love me very much. The same awaits you, I'm sure.

you guys really inspire me you know, DP, lifesohard and everyone else who has been here as well - I hold onto what you tell me about the future being better and my DCs being the reason to keep going. I am so glad that despite going through shitstorms of your own, of similarly epic proportions, that you guys are doing so well. I checked my scan date and it's this thursday - which is something to look forward to!

Lu I call him H still because he's technically still my H like AF said, and also because STBXH is a PITA to keep typing! plus I get confused by all the acronyms that pop up - STBXH honestly I read as stupid bastard ex husband - which doesn't much help me get serenity. I don't know that he (as he is now) is still in my heart, but no I guess I'm not moved on enough to consider myself totally ready for divorce etc either. I will divorce him, but not until I am ready to deal with that particular experience... baby out first, D-Day later.

DS is such a lot happier here, its extraordinary. He's had a really shouty/teary day, which is to be expected, not much interested in eating or anything else. However at bedtime he settled down nicely tonight, had his milk cup, watched Waybuloo and then took himself off upstairs waving night night to Nana. I think the whole atmosphere of the house is more relaxing, and the extra adults around really help him feel secure that he's not going to be left alone at all. He actually goes to a toy box here, gets something out and plays with it. Back at the flat he just careered around aimlessly looking for daddy and nothing could distract him or entertain him for more than a few minutes. It's a blessed relief to be able to allow myself to relax with him too - which is probably part of it. Bless him, I really want this to be the last disruption for a good long while. I love him so much and seeing him pootle up the stairs all by himself tonight nearly brought me to tears with relief that we did the right thing by coming. He IS happier here, and it WILL be the best thing in the end. The handholding really helped us get here!! Thanks all, night night x

Great post Life, I wish you good luck with moving on.

PS How are you doing my lovely? I must catch up with your thread soon :)

Choco, full of admiration for you, and glad that people are looking after you and DS, warm wishes.

So glad you are safe and hope you manage to batten down the hatches against further unnecessary comments and commentary from your H.

I hope all your practical things - GP, Scan, nursery etc go smoothly and that you and your DS get a ton of time now to cuddle up and watch cbeebies or dvd's until you have theme tunes galore in your head! Be gentle with yourself. You are doing really amazingly well.

So glad to see that the move has gone well for you and DS. Good luck for Thursday too, such an exciting time!

Just a suggestion from reading the post about the lodger, but could you get your mum to screen contact between you and H? Or maybe suggest that he contacts your MIL to discuss things not related to DS? If he can't be tactful or respectful in these exchanges then I can't see why you should tolerate them.

I find the the fact that you want H to visit every weekend for your sons benefit thoroughly inspiring btw.

wow - what a woman!

Raises back.

Your post about ds was just so lovely. He sounds much cocooned in the warmth of the care all around him. Hopefully your H will conduct himself a little better but still expect complete reworking of history from him as he tries to justify his present to himself and to others. You know the truth of what you what had and that is important. And the dcs soon understand. Dd explained to me tonight that daddy is still her family but he lives in a different house.

Re getting divorced, it makes good sense to proceed at a pace you feel happy with. On a practical note, I have C&P this about divorce.

"A divorce based on adultery can only be filed by the innocent party. A time limit is involved: the divorce proceedings need to be initiated within six months of learning of adultery taking place (regardless of when it actually happened). However, if it can be proved that the adultery is ongoing then there is no time limit.

Couples wanting a quick divorce often use the ground of unreasonable behaviour. Again there is a time limit involved and the divorce needs to be under way within six months of the last incident of unreasonable behaviour.
Again, if it can be proved in court that the unreasonable behaviour is ongoing then the time limit rule is not enforceable."

These two grounds make it possible for your solicitor to claim back the costs of the divorce from H on your behalf which are usually about 1k.

Just wanted to add re divorce, definitely dont feel under pressure to make any decisions until u r ready. . I hope I didn't sound flippant in my post as I didn't divorce easily and in fact it was the hardest decision I have ever made. For the first six months of my sons life I was not able to think about my future on my own, so believed me and my ex may reconcile. Ironically once I realised I could and was coping well alone he wanted me more and I wanted him less. Of course he will still be in your heart and u won't feel ready yet. Just go with whatever feels right for you, and if it scares you to imagine the future then don't. Take it day by day x

Ps good luck for your scan x

I am so pleased that had a better day yesterday choco and that DS is so settled. We are all still here cheering you on......