how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Choco you can do this. You've been amazing every step of the way. Put some upbeat music on, it's amazing how external stimulus can change your mood. Keep talking, we're all behind you.

Oh love. He has robbed you.

You can call your friends or just call one and ask her to pass on the message to the others and in a few weeks arrange to meet up with them.

You didn't deserve any of this.

Read this thread this morning and it has really moved me.

You come across as an incredible woman Choco, but I understand why this is hurting so much.

Unfortunately, when someone is having an affair it can seem as though they have transformed into an entirely different person. You might be wondering where that lovely man went and who is this imposter in his place?

It's depressingly common for men having affairs that they want to continue, to behave like this. They re-write history and minimise the hurt they are causing. They need to do this to cope with the guilt. But it is all a mirage. It is not real. It might help you to cope better if you keep saying to yourself

'What he's saying is not real. My truth is what is real. No one will take away my truth.'

Another way of coping with the transformation in him is to treat him as though he is on a chemically-induced high and therefore not in possession of his faculties. Not in any way to minimise his responsibility for doing these dreadful things, but to reassure you that you are the only person in this situation who has full control of their faculties and judgement. You have the upper hand and are the only person in full control.

I'm of the school of thought that nothing happens in a vacuum and your ex was probably always a bit (or a lot) selfish and probably always had difficulty with the whole truth in his dealings with others, so what you're seeing there is just ten shades deeper than what was in him already. Keep strong and you are very wise to move to get support from people who will only have your best interests at heart.

Try to communicate with him only about the children and assets.

"I hate that so much has been taken from me. And to cope, I have to give so much more away. I wish I could stop time. I am hurting so, so much. I can't cope"

You are coping Choco.

You are giving away things because he's a selfish dickhead and if it means giving them up to stay sane and cope, then so be it.

You DS and unborn are extremely lucky to have you as their mummy. Don't ever forget that.

I've read your thread from start to finish and H is a fucking cunt (and I never use that word.) thats all I have to say bout him.

Just want to show my support. You can get through this. We are here for you x

I am so sorry, choco

There is one thing he cannot take from you Choco - the fact that you are an amazing woman who is doing the best thing for herself and her children.

I imagine that this is like the ripping off a plaster stage - it hurts like hell to do it quickly but you'll be able to move ahead more easily for it.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I just can't do it. I am exhausted and my SPD is hurting like hell. I have to stop and let my mum and dad and neighbour do the packing. I'm just useless - like a little shadow following people around crying. They've told me to sit down and just relax but I feel hollowed out inside I don't know what to do with myself.

Let people help you, love x

It's okay to let people help you, the SPD alone is justification for that. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I just wanted to say I'd admire your dedication to your children and your strength so much.

I cannot imagine what type of man does this to his family and what type of woman could be complicit in this behaviour.

Sending you all best wishes for your move.

Just wanted to add my name to the cheerleading squad. What a terrible time your ex is putting you through, I can't believe what he's done!

I'm sure this is all agony for you and I can only imagine your family and friends are devastated on your behalf. But from everything I've read you are doing just the most fantastic job (even if it doesn't feel like it) and I'm in awe of you.

And I agree with the others, let people help! Emotional stress is exhausting. You need to treat yourself very gently right now.

oh choco I've been lurking on here feeling all kinds of admiration for you and rage for your H - does he have no clue what he's thrown away? - but I just had to post and say: these people love you and want to help you. You've been so so so strong for so long, surround yourself in the care of those who love you, it's okay to feel utterly wrung out. You've been wrung out! It's okay to feel hurt - you've been badly wounded! It's okay to sit down and say "I can't do it any more." - it's okay to STOP doing it.

This, too, will pass. You are being amazing, and you're not alone.

Hugs.

Remember that you have people that love you unconditionally, your children and your family.

You are grieving for the husban you have lost. It is as if he has died, or possibly worst. Your reactions are normal.
It may not look now, but you'll be better and will be happy again at some point.

One step at a time.

Choco you are my hero. Stay strong and proud. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

Let them help you choco. I am so sorry that you are in such a sad painful place right now. It is so unfair.

Sometimes it's scary to let go and feel the sadness, and I can see why today might feel like a bad day to be overwhelmed with grief. But let it out, it will pass eventually.

Just take the day an hour at a time. Be as kind to yourself as you can. Know there are people in RL who love you and will help through- plus your cheerleaders on here.

Choco

I am so very sorry you are going through this and I will echo the other posters who have said how strong and brave and amazing you are being. You say that you re not coping but you are. You are moving your DS and your unborn baby to a loving environment and being a wonderful Mum when you must be on your knees both physically and emotionally and I'm sure it is an effort just to breathe.

Unfortunately, I have first hand experience of how unbelievably awful this time is. I wasn't pregnant but my (up until then DH) left 18 months ago for OW when I was half way through IVF and my DS was 2.5. Oh and 8 weeks after we had a medical termination at 15 weeks.

I was blindsided, bewildered and alone (we moved to live in his country when I was 7 months pregnant). I think, as you are experiencing, outside of the collapse of my hopes, dreams and expectations for myself and what I believed was my family, the hardest thing to cope with was the transformation of my previously loving DH into a stranger, with dead eyes, who seemed to view me as a non-person. It is truly terrifying, and even now, I struggle with understanding how I seem to have become a 'non person' in his eyes. Before OW came out of woodwork, I thought ex was having am mid-life crisis and I thought it was a good sign we 'carried on' with IVF & had agreed to put any resulting embryos in the freezer until things were clearer. However, after egg collection when I was bleeding in a hospital gown crying he looked at me and said 'you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I feel nothing for you anymore'. I write this, to let you know that sadly there are people who have experienced this transformation and I won't sugar coat it. It is dreadful and it hurts like hell but you will survive it.

As others have said in order to justify his decision he has to come up with a plausible reason for ending the marriage and leaving you for OW. His reasons will have little to do with reality so you won't be able to make sense of it a it is fundamentally inexplicable - or at least his new version of reality. It is so very much easier said that done but it has taken me almost 18 months to realise that however much I play back conversations, scenarios and try and disect it, I will never make sense of it. There is none to be found in the 'reality' that he presented prior to leaving. I wish I had not wasted so much emotinal energy on it my darling, so try as best as you can to limit the time you rake it all over in your brain - maybe give yourself a specific amount of time per day (btw I never was able to do this but I wish I had been able to).

In the meantime, you are far far from useless. You are doing the best thing for your children. Accept all the help you are offered. Look after your unborn baby and know that he or she will be loved and will have a fabulous life come what may.

There is a quote I like which I have posted on a thread that I am a regular on which is Hemingway. It says "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places". I sense from your posts that you have a very big and giving heart. It will be stronger. But it is going to take time and it is impossible for you to believe it right now, but it will. For now, wanting it to be strong again is enough. I have found that fighting 'feelings' and sadness can be counterproductive so for now just feel what you feel until you don't feel it at all. Good luck Choco

You are incredibly strong, i wish the best for you and your children. I have recently separated from my husband, we have a two year old daughter and I too miss my husband, soul mate and best friend - but depressein/work/ our daughter has altered him and as much as it breaks my heart I am started to build a new life. I hope time heals. Thinking of you x

Aw choco, thinking of you :(

Time to let others look after you, and for you to try and be strong for you and your babies. Easier said than done at the moment (an understatement, I'm sure) but I wish you all the very best.

Take care x

Morning Choco hope you are ok its soooo hard but you will be ok x

Morning choco. Thinking of you today.

Good luck Choco. You're going to come out the other side of this much happier. You have a heart like a lion.

good morning everyone, just wanted to let you all know I made it... DS went to bed around half twelve after a long, long journey. I actually feel better now that I am here. H is still texting me ridiculous crap - he got notification of my marital rights at the land registry for the flat yesterday, and decided to tell me (while I was packing) that he intends to move in a lodger (really? while it's on the market? I wonder who would want to live there. Not.) The anger carried me through the last few hours.

There is still a full car load of belongings to collect next week, although H has offered to bring it all down for me in a van (how bloody helpful.) But that's it, line drawn. I guess now there is no going back. In some ways, I'm glad - there will be shit to deal with now (another WTC assessment, new nursery to find, sick note to procure, work to tell, general grieving to do...) But - My little bean is reassuringly wriggling again today after a very quiet spell yesterday, and I am definitely glad that I am not going to have to grit my teeth any more doing it all alone. I am still furious and sad about the way I've had to leave, but I hope time will heal as you've all reminded me :)

Downunderdolly - I am so sorry you have experienced this, and so far from home :( you poor, poor thing. I hope that you are finding strength and happiness now and your DS brings you the love you deserve in your life. Little boys are such a blessing, I'm sure little girls are too! I'll find out if I have another wee man or a little lady joining us next week (I think, need to check the scan date). Flumposie, the same to you - wishing you happiness and freedom from a man who didn't deserve you and your DD at all.

To everyone who helped me through the last few weeks and yesterday, thank you SO SO much, it meant so much to me to have your kind words helping to carry me through. I can't tell you how much difference it made in the blackest moments to have somewhere to share it, without having to spell it out any more than necessary to my parents and friend while they did the grim business of packing up my stuff... I don't think they had the energy or to be honest, the emotional wherewithall themselves to keep mopping me up and carrying on. So to all of you, a big, grateful HUG coming your way x

PS that's not me signing off the thread, I'll still be here :) just didn't want to miss the chance to say thank you!

Have just read this whole thread and it has moved me to tears. I am so sorry for everything you are going through Choco and am amazed at your strength- at how you put your DCs needs above your own always, and at how dignified you have been. I wish you a world of strength to get through this and am sure that in time, you will meet someone worthy of your love, and who makes you feel as loved as you should be.

Big Hugs.

It's good to hear little Bean is active today :)

Does DS usually enjoy being at your parents place?

Are you going to get a sick note off of your Dr so that you can still take maternity leave? You really should. Then when your ML is up, you will have more options. You might want to move closer to your friends and work - you might not - but you will have the choice.

I'm hoping that is what I will do - I need to talk to my doctor tomorrow, and ask if he's happy to sign me off. I think he will, but I guess nothing is a guarantee. DS is much happier here - far less running around searching for daddy, because daddy has never lived here. My parents are being wonderful and have completely rejigged their house so that the conservatory is currently a storage room for all my boxes and they are going to redecorate one room for me and the babies to actually have a nursery! I don't plan to strike out alone (so to speak) for a good six months really, if they'll have me that long. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to have that option, especially with SPD and the recovery from a c-sec to look forward to. It really brings it home to me how many people don't have anyone who can help like this when I see some of the comments/threads on MN. Helps me to stay grateful for the good things I have