how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

We're gunning for you Choco. I know it's not nice to hear because he was your choice, your hero but the man is a prick.

I hope it goes ok today - and you can always pull out if you want to. You owe him nothing. You're doing right to go to your family. Look after yourself.

hey all... so I went. I walked out after ten minutes, utterly frustrated - he gave his version of events, basically whitewashing the affair out of our split. Then I gave mine. And he tried to pick it apart saying it was all hearsay, and I'd 'jumped to conclusions'. As if being in a relationship with her, flaunting the fact to me now, means nothing. I couldn't take it.

But I went back again, after driving around the block once. And sat there again to try, really try, to talk to him. I figured it was my only chance. By the end of the session the counsellor was in tears on my behalf - I don't know if that will have registered with him!! Overall, I just asked him to stop assuming I'm ok, and stop accusing me of being obstructive etc. I pointed out that far from gloating about the fact he barely sees his son, it breaks my heart and hurts me incredibly. (Was sobbing while saying that).

I don't know how I feel now other than drained, but he text me afterwards to say thank you for coming back - that he realised how hard it was for me, and if I would consider going to regular sessions after I move then he would come. I don't know if I would go, and I haven't replied yet. But I'm glad I am going home, I can look forward to being looked after and starting to move on a little bit. He asked me to stay here, with his help - but I stated unequivocally that ship had sailed, and if I can't trust him to respect my boundaries then I can't trust him at all, so no. I won't stay. Not under any circumstances now.

Well done. No wonder you feel drained.

And do stay firm on leaving and getting real support from your family - you cannot trust a word he says.

that he realised how hard it was for me, and if I would consider going to regular sessions after I move then he would come

He probably would because he is feeding off your unhappiness and maintaining power over you.

Do go to help you get over it but without him.

Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt.

In fact, you are feeding his pride, that he has this other woman and you are still in love with him and may well come back.

Cut all contact at least until you recover.

I hear you Lueji! But I think its ok, I didn't say anything about being in love with him for sure! In fact I made it absolutely clear that our marriage is over, we were not there to discuss that fact. And we were not there to discuss his affair, reasons for it or anything of the sort. We were only there to discuss his behaviour - as it is now - towards his son first, and his pregnant ex-wife second. I cut him off about everything self-centred/self-pitying. It was never going to be a dignified 'cool as a cucumber' moment for me, I realise that. And I'm not going to suddenly leap into a counselling relationship with him. But I won't rule it out as a never. After all, he got clear answers from me about what I need from him as a parent, what he does now is his lookout - and the main thing is that I am not now, nor ever will be again, offering up myself emotionally or practically on a plate to him.

Agree with Lueji about what he is getting from seeing your pain (and blaming you for it).

Well done for getting through it. :)

Now put it behind you.

Good for you.

Actually, it may be semantics, but YOU don't need anything from him as a parent. Your children do.

It's an important distinction.

And if he fails them it's better to cut all contact.
Put it in writing.

If you have contact with him, only via email/texting. Wait one hour before writing a reply, but don't send, then read after one hour and delete. Send a new one then. Or just read when you are emotionally ready.

I wouldn't even dream of offering advice, this is way outside my scope but what has really struck me about you is how you are absolutely dealing with things; not hiding away, not pretending this isn't bloody awful - just dealing as best you can

Scumbag, on the other hand, seems to be just cramming his life full of 'stuff' and assuming no responsibility whatsoever. I'm not one for karma or the like but it seems pretty inevitable that he will one day have to face his children and explain his behaviour.

Don't have anything to add really apart from that I admire you and I really hope you feel a bit better soon, with the support of friends and family.

choco - no advice to add because what has been written already is amazing.

I just wanted to jump in to say that you're a very strong woman and obviously a fantastic mum to your DS and baby-on-the-way.

Oh Choco what a day! Well done for facing him with such bravery. I think in the future you will be glad that you took the chance to say what you needed to say today.

FWIW I don't think you were giving him the message that you are still in love with him. I think you are giving him the message that you are devastated that he's let you, and his children down so terribly, that his subsequent behaviour has shown you no consideration whatsoever, and that he has trampled on the future that you were expecting to have altogether.

I hope that you can get back to your parents' soon, away from this rollercoaster.

As others have said, now is the time to look after yourself and DC. Scumbag has created this mess, if he wants to see his son then he can make the necessary arrangements as long as this fits in with you. Asking you to stick around to make it more convenient to see his son after what he has put you through is absurd.

Maybe when you are ready, relate sessions together might be a good place to sort out contact details etc., they can provide mediation services which might make the process a little easier for you. However, this needs to be when you are ready and there is no rush.

I do think you should be prepared for the possibility that he may now play dirty (if it is possible to sink any lower). Beware of false promises / threats to persuade you to stick around and ignore, ignore, ignore.

This type of man can be extraordinarily and easily self deluded.

As an example, after being separated after almost 1 year, with divorce proceedings going on, and no contact except in what relates to DS, ex has still asked through DS if I miss him.

He is likely to interpret the OP being upset over losing him.

Precisely, the message choco gives and the message this deluded asshole gets are not likely to be the same at all.

That's the other reason there's no point in talking to him now - he's incapable of hearing what's being said.

He needs to have everything processed through his "I'm a good guy, I'm doing good things and I've done nothing wrong" filters.

Hope the rest of the day is going OK, choco :)

When are you taking off back to the bosom of your family?

I'm leaving in the morning, packing a van with my stuff with mum and dad. DS will spend the morning with H, before we go. I am so tired, but glad to have made a decision - although I still feel so utterly sad that this is the decision I have been forced to make.

x

Good luck with it all tomorrow. Let yourself be looked after .

I was a bit shocked that the counsellor was in tears at the end!!

She said even professionals have hearts and get affected... lol. I felt a bit vindicated but also a bit sad that someone who hears about relationship breakdowns all the time was actually moved to tears by mine!! I guess it really is pretty bad. I mean obviously I know that, but it's not like I have anything to measure it against, but she does. I wonder if H even really noticed that. Probably not.

Hi Choco

I haven't commented before, but just wanted to join the cheerleading squad - you are amazing!

BUT, please do not give this prick anymore of your time.

I just read your post on the Divorce board regarding unreasonable behaviour - this man is a 1st class tosser and emotionally and financially abusive to boot.

Ignore the crocodile tears, and let him pick up the pieces now.

Good luck with the move tomorrow - onwards and upwards!

Choco,

I have been unable to get your situation and the situation of many others out of my mind. I can believe that a man in a corner will try and turn it around on you, have seen it happen so often. I can believe that a father will feel its ok to abandon a child and one on the way. Again i have seen this not first hand but close enough .

What I can't believe as a woman is that any woman would find it acceptable to shag someone elses husband in their marital bed. This is what I find the most unforgiveable thing about your situation. HOW VERY FUCKING DARE HE and HOW VERY FUCKING DARE SHE!!!!!! I am not overtly feminist as many others here are, but sisterly solidarity and a little morals go along way. I found it hard to even spend the night at dh's when we started seeing each other as he had slept with another woman in his bed. He went out and bought a new bed immediately because I think he realised that it was a big taboo for me. That your stbxh bought her into your home and she had no qualms about fucking him there would make me even more furious that this woman had any access to my child.

Please do as the poster above said (sorry can't remember who) and get something written by your solicitor about access and the third party. Remember if your h had left mutually with no other party involved and amicably you would probably want this as would he. But this guy just doesn't seem to get it, it would also I expect help in the future with your divorce to have it written down so early, acknowledging that you see the breakdown of your marriage due to this bitch.

I am so sad for you and your ds and your bump I really am, he doesn't deserve to be a father to your children right at this moment and you are so doing the right thing by moving away to be with a support network. No judge would really put that against you in your current situation i am sure.

Good luck, be strong and take comfort and lots of help from your family. At this moment in time I expect your work are sympathetic and with the dr's note won't have any choice but to be anyway. Concentrate on you and your dc, a job and a house are so peripheral at the moment and I am glad that you have seen that.

You are a strong and wonderful person, you have shown this by coming back and trying to get on with stbxh, he has proven he is a shit of the highest order. One thing though - have no regrets, ever about your marriage to this man. You would not have your beautiful ds or the bump and you will have them forever. He won't. More fool him.

Figgy x

Hope you have as peaceful a night as possible in your flat, and that the packing and moving tomorrow goes smoothly.

It is really good to think of you with people who love you from tomorrow night. I guess it might hit you very hard again once you can actually relax a little so maybe expect the emotional rollercoaster to be a bit intense initially?

You are doing incredible heroic acts of courage daily to keep functioning through all this stress, betrayal and dishonour. Whether you feel like you are or now!

"I still feel so utterly sad that this is the decision I have been forced to make."

It looks to be the right decision though, based on current circumstances. It sounds a little like you think you've failed, but I and everyone else on here see you as a massive success. You are doing the best thing for the family in this situation. From here on in, making decisions on that basis will lead you to a happier life than you had before, it's just going to take some time.

I see you're having some trouble getting your head around just how your H could be quite so callous. I can't believe it either! Being an eternal optimist, I'm hoping that eventually he wakes up to the fact that by disrespecting you he harms his own relationship with the children. Frankly it sounds like you understand what it takes to be a great parent so his input could be negligible and your kids will be fine.

Just wanted to say good luck ! I know today will be difficult
{hug}

Morning Choco

I have just caught up with your thread . I agree the counsellor ending up in tears says a lot. Your H is a terrible man and much as many of us have xhs who have rewritten history to suit themselves yours will have a hell of a job on his hands when he comes to trying to rewrite this when the dust settles.

Its great you can go to the shelter of your family now and begin to regroup and just "be" for a while.

You are doing so well Choco x

thank you,

I just had to stop packing for a minute, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. This is my life, my home, everything I know. I can't bear that I have to pack it all away and put it behind me. I have no time to say good bye to anyone, or explain to my friends why I have to leave. I can't stop crying and I don't want this, it's not fair.

I know I'm doing the right thing for my babies but everything about this is wrong, and it feels like it is destroying something precious inside me. I will recover, but I don't want to have to. I don't want to have to give up everything. Tomorrow I will wake up back in my childhood bedroom, pregnant, with my DS in a cot by my bed... it will be the right thing, but it won't feel like it. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this, and I don't know how to accept it. I miss my husband, my friend, my lover. I want him to come back - not this awful man who is hurting me so much, but the man I feel in love with, who I dedicated my life to. I miss my life. I want it back.

I hate that so much has been taken from me. And to cope, I have to give so much more away. I wish I could stop time. I am hurting so, so much. I can't cope :(