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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
kodachrome · 09/02/2012 17:49

It's really common for cheating shite-bags to start re-writing history and putting the blame on their partner.

Fuck that noise.

drasticpark · 09/02/2012 17:59

Choco, forgive me for asking but does his GF actually know that you are pregnant?

anonacfr · 09/02/2012 18:17

What a cunt.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 09/02/2012 18:18

she knows. She has looked after my son, met me, spent time in my home before the affair began. She fucked him in my bed next to my son's cot, knowing FULL WELL that I was pregnant. She doesn't give a flying fuck. She probably thinks being a step mummy will be just marvellous, now she has a fucking child seat in the back of her car and she can play act happy families with STBXH (when I write that I think STUPID BASTARD EX HUSBAND not soon-to-be-X)

OP posts:
anonacfr · 09/02/2012 18:42

Wow. They deserve each other.

What a pair of cunts. Just keep telling yourself how well rid you are if our bastard of husband is prepared to leave you for someone who has so little respect for the mother of his children.

Lueji · 09/02/2012 18:49

From this point on, just ignore him.

Going back on the thread, I certainly wouldn't forgive, but definitely be glad to get rid of that SOB.

That should be your attitude towards him, even if you don't feel it.

romneymarsh · 09/02/2012 18:59

Choco, im 18 months on from my ex leaving me for OW, im affraid the only healer is time and it is really shit moving forward day by day until you will finally feel whole again. Im still not quite there but moving in the right direction.

Your husband is living in cloud cockoo land, total la la land! The two of them definitely deserve each other.

Please do what is right for you, you need the love and care of your family, I can believe how awful this is for you especially being pregnant. Please take all the help being offered to you. Thinking of you, by the way dont feel you owe him anything he didnt think about you when he was shagging another woman!

PurtyDarnFine · 09/02/2012 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbophobe · 09/02/2012 20:25

So glad you are going to your family.

You really don't need to stay around for his cruel fuckwit games. As for her, words fail me.....

Being out of it will help you feel stronger.

I so admire your strength and dignity in this already!

yummyoldbag · 09/02/2012 20:59

Have been reading but with little to add to the fantastic advice and support given here. However, I just wanted to second AF - I am glad you are angry, I am sorry it is hurting, but glad you have found sufficient rage to put yourself and dc totally and utterly first.

There will come a time when you will need to help dc have a relationship with their father but that time is not now. Now is the time you need to care for yourself and dc. I am so pleased you are going to family - if you were my daughter I would want you to come home. xxxx

GeekLove · 09/02/2012 21:01

He really is a piece o shit. But remember the person whom you married and had your children with was the person he was pretending to be. Don't let yourself think you were a fool.
I know that it is some months yet put have you thought about who you want at the birth? If you can decide on some one or hire a doula it might help you detach from STBxH and plan the future. You will have wobbles but I am so in awe of you so far!
Keep breathing, eating and sleeping.

Lovethesea · 09/02/2012 21:53

Just one day at a time, take all the support you can get and be gentle with yourself.

Is it worth getting some serious distance in communication? Either everything through the solicitors or at the least through email alone and only about practical issues such as coming to see his DS? Tell him weekly day out and fix it time and day so there is no need for contact?

I think you need to protect yourself right now from his utterly careless and loveless words and deeds and your DS needs you in one piece more than he needs very frequent contact with his father. Perhaps your parents could do the handover for contact when he comes to take him out for the day? Just til you get some space? Block his number? Protect yourself from random texts, calls etc?

Create a safe space to rest in. Protect it. Keep him and his lies out.

AThingInYourLife · 09/02/2012 22:15

Agree with Lovethe - you shouldn't have any communication with him for now.

Ask somebody you trust to be the go-between regarding his contact with your son, but stop all direct communication with him for a bit.

He is trying to browbeat you into going along with his crazy fantasy that he's the good guy here.

He is incapable of being anything but cruel and unfeeling towards you, because that would involve recognising that you are a person.

thebossof3 · 09/02/2012 22:24

chocoraisin I feel for you and your ds. I found out my stbxh was having an affair when I was 7 month pg with DS2. he is now 6 months old and a delight he makes me smile every day. I decided to not have my useless twat at the birth which turned out to be a good thing as I got very emotional about the whole situation and I would not have wanted him to see me that upset. Also have you considered going to your local sexual health clinic? Because if he has had unprotected sex with his whore he could have passed something on to you which could in turn be given to your baby during delivery. I know it?s a horrible place to go but better to be safe than sorry. I am glad I went and got the peace of mind that I was all clear. Most do bookable appointments as well as drop in centres. Sending lots of hugs

saffronwblue · 09/02/2012 22:37

Oh choco! What a dick he is. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and rage but I think it is a really healthy and necessary step. It will arm you against the day when he reappears saying it is not working out with OW and has all been a dreadful mistake.
Being the terrific mother that you obviously are means looking after yourself and knowing what you can handle. Go home to your family and be cherished and valued. That is the absolute best you can do for DS and the LO to come. Ex can wear the inconvenience; he is in a situation of his own making.
Here is an unmumsnetty virtual hug. Time to stop before I call you "hun"!

justonemorethread · 09/02/2012 23:44

I'd say what your DS needs most of all is to be with a relaxed, happy mummy, looking forward to his baby sibling coming. Your health and wellbeing is most important and has a direct effect on your DS right now.

Your STBXH's relationship with his son has changed forever now whether he likes it or not, and it's completely his fault.
So a couple of months a few hours away are not really going to have an impact in the long term.

Actually better for your DS to get used to the new environment before his sibling comes along, rather than having to cope with new baby and move all at the same time.

justonemorethread · 09/02/2012 23:46

Also I think the rage is good.
Use the rage! It will encourage you to put yoursel first.

PurtyDarnFine · 10/02/2012 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSpero · 10/02/2012 01:36

Have only come across your thread this evening - you are awesome and your ex - tbh I can't actually think of anything offensive enough to call him.

As far as the OW is concerned I don't think you need to just take that on the chin. I'm not sure of the legal intricacies but when my friend was in a similar situation to yours last year she had her solicitor write a letter to her ex telling him in no uncertain terms that whilst she was more than willing to enable him to have generous access if he involved a third party she would look at going to court to sort the arrangements out and getting his access suspended or supervised in the meantime.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 10/02/2012 07:42

morning everyone,

thank you so much for the encouragement and support. I have slept on it, and I am resolute. My life cannot be put on hold while I hope for him to behave decently. I agree DS needs to be settled and confident in his new life, and to do that now before the new baby arrives is more sensible anyway. I can find him a new nursery and settle him in where we are moving to before the baby comes - and I can sort myself out too.

I came back 50% to reclaim my life, and 50% in the hope that it would help make things easier with H. Now I know there is no way to make things easier... and I know my life isn't mine anymore, not the way I knew it anyway. So I have to make a new life, and leave the chasing to H.

I can't waste precious energy being sick with anger and pain when I have family who will help me and love me and DS. There is too much at stake. I'm going to Relate today, but I have no intention of saying anything other than the facts. He has made his choices, now I am making mine. Thats all there is to it.

Acceptance, forgiveness, anger - who cares. He doesn't need to be a witness to my pain. I don't want to witness his emotions, whatever they are. I may even consider going no contact for a while, and let his mum (MIL) deal with contact handovers for now.

I'll be on here though, sharing how it's going... without your kind words it would have been so much harder to get through this. Thank you again x

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 10/02/2012 08:29

Good morning choco, you sound stronger this morning :)

Just checking in to see you were OK.

Good luck at Relate, sending you all fortitude for dealing with that.

(And if you rethink going then don't feel you have any obligation. Every contact you have with your H sends you into a tailspin of bewildered pain. You don't have to put yourself through that.)

saffronwblue · 10/02/2012 08:37

All the best for today choco. Your stbxh has lost the right to know what your emotional state is. Facts followed by no contact sounds like a plan that puts your well being at the centre, which is exactly where you need to be.

HipHopOpotomus · 10/02/2012 09:24

good morning & all the best for your Relate meeting.

ROAR!!!! :)

PurtyDarnFine · 10/02/2012 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeForMeAndDD · 10/02/2012 09:30

Hi Choco I have been lurking on your thread but am delurking to say that I think you are amazing. I also think you are doing the right thing for yourself and your children in moving back home. If you were my daughter I would want you home Smile

You take good care of yourself x

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