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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 09/02/2012 15:22

Reading justone post I wondered have you got access sorted out or is he just ringing as and when he wants?

justonemorethread · 09/02/2012 15:22

What's the reason for staying until May, financial?

LiarsWife · 09/02/2012 15:23

I think you should go home to your parents and let them help you.. you need to get some rest before the new baby comes.

xx

gettingeasier · 09/02/2012 15:26

If the reason is financial then I hate to say it but unless you have agreat fall back plan then really try and stick it out until May.

The last thing you want are financial worries and from the sounds of it your H wont be one to be relied on

SimoneD · 09/02/2012 15:26

Choco - so sorry for all your going through. Im really gobsmacked at your ex's treatment of you. Ive read all the posts and think you have been brilliant through all of this btw.

It seems like you are just at the point of getting yourself together when he comes along and knocks you for six again. Is there any way you could at least get back to your family for a break, say a week to just have some space away from him and to help yourself heal a bit. You might then have more of an idea whether you want to move back sooner. What is there thats keeping you from going to your family at the moment, and how soon can this all be sorted out?

To me, it sounds like you need to be with your family

kodachrome · 09/02/2012 15:33

Is there anyway you could not see him? Get someone else to do the hand-overs?

If not, just cut him off if he tries to talk to you about his shiny new life and say you don't need to hear it?

stabiliser15 · 09/02/2012 15:40

Oh Choco.

I think you need to give yourself permission to be angry and hurt and have those feelings. This is healthy and necessary and you need an outlet. That is definitely what we're here for. Rage to us about him. Does not impact ONE BIT on how amazingly you are doing.

Remember, you dont owe him anything. Contact is not FOR HIM. It is for DS. But probably not at any cost to you. It is still very early stages of your separation and therefore you still need to work out what the right balance is. That wont happen overnight.

If you want to go home and get help then do it. Or, don't not do it purely for contact/his benefit. There's skype etc and nothing to stop him from coming to where your family are to see DS at pre-agreed times. Which is what will have to happen when you move there anyway. Remember, if he complains about this then he is the author of his own misfortune there. You are not stopping contact. You will allow him to see DS reasonably, because that is what DS needs, but your location may be inconvenient to him. That is absolutely not your problem (and I do not say that lightly - am a step parent who has been involved in contact related difficulties).

Also, remember that you dont have to make any permanent decisions now. Maybe go for a week to rest and have some support, then decide if you'd like to make that permanent?

jen127 · 09/02/2012 15:42

Choco - I would go home ! You need to be in the arms of your family so you can rest and gain new strength for this baby and your DS.
You will grow from this ,as hard as that is to believe you will!
Bless you and your family you are a good person who deserves better and this will come.
Get yourself out from under this stress, you are already a superwoman for copeing (sp) as you have- you have nothing to prove to anyone at all.

{hug}

HipHopOpotomus · 09/02/2012 15:52

he's a piece of work alright - what a total shit. I so feel for you. Your head is obviously swimming with all that is going on and the shit can't even give you a bit of space to get your head around everything changing in your life, without rubbing OW in your face. Thoughtless, inconsiderate, heartless, grrrrrr.

I too can suffer from being over accommodating - to my detriment.

I'd say normally do what is right for your DS, do what you can to facilitate his relationship with EX, be the bigger person. But you are PG, away from your family and highly stressed (for good reason). You need to do what is right for YOU to get through the next few months in one piece, as well supported as you can be by those who are there for you. What will be good for your DS right now is actually what is good for you and the unborn baby.

I would seriously think about forgetting prioritising ex & DS's relationship for now (not forever, just for now). Let EX prioritise that if he will. But put yourself & your baby first - just for a few months. You will get through this oh yes you will, but expect no help from your EX - only aggravation.

anonacfr · 09/02/2012 16:07

I would seriously think about forgetting prioritising ex & DS's relationship for now (not forever, just for now). Let EX prioritise that if he will. But put yourself & your baby first - just for a few months. You will get through this oh yes you will, but expect no help from your EX - only aggravation.

100% this.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 09/02/2012 16:16

I've made up my mind, I'm done. The reason for staying was because I loved my job and wanted to see it through. But I have a fab GP who will sign me off. I don't like it but you are all saying what I needed to hear.

I'm packing tonight, everything bar furniture that is mine is coming with me. I'm shutting the door on my life here and walking away - I don't want to ever have to come back. IF I choose to, it will be on my terms. Not his.

He is always welcome to be a father to his children but you are right, it's not my job to make that happen. I need to be a mother now and put the pregnancy and DS first. And it's true, I can't do that while I'm falling apart piece by piece.

He texted me, indignant that I was upset. Saying he's 'doing everything he can' to make this easy for us. So, last week I'm undeserving of an apology for fucking his girlfriend in our bed. This week I'm wrong for being hurt that he rubs her in my face again.

I'm done, I'm through with this. My new life is at home with my family - his new life doesn't have to be paraded in front of me any more. I'm going home :(

I still feel shit and cheated out of my home, my job, my friends and my life though. I know I can get another job, another house etc... but I feel like he's stripped away so much. So fucking much of my life. For what? Fuck him.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 09/02/2012 16:23

What a complete bastard Sad he must be so sick to rub it in your face.

You must put YOU (as well as baby and DS) first even though it may mean reduced contact for DS and your H in the meantime.

After all he failed to put DS first when he started his affair...

drasticpark · 09/02/2012 16:23

He can't take your dignity, choco. Have you anyone to help you pack? I would come if I could.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 09/02/2012 16:25

my parents and neighbours will help me pack :(

I just feel broken inside. I hate my life so much

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 09/02/2012 16:26

Just seen your last post OP.

Hugs from here - if he thinks his latest stunt is "doing everything he can etc" he is even more sick than I thought.

drasticpark · 09/02/2012 16:27

I promise you that eventually you will feel that you have got your life back and gained from this rather than losing everything. Fuck him, indeed! You are worth more than this and don't ever think otherwise.

drasticpark · 09/02/2012 16:30

Your life WILL get better. The worst has already happened and you are dealing with the fallout as best you can (and very brilliantly). Go home and be loved.

oldwomaninashoe · 09/02/2012 16:36

Good for you!
You have tried so hard to be thoughtful and accomodating, well nows the time to forget ex and his needs and concentrate on you and the DC's.
Enjoy being with your family, let them spoil and nurture you.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool · 09/02/2012 17:03

I would seriously think about forgetting prioritising ex & DS's relationship for now (not forever, just for now). Let EX prioritise that if he will. But put yourself & your baby first - just for a few months. You will get through this oh yes you will, but expect no help from your EX - only aggravation.

Agree totally! I don't think my dh would see me for dust if he treated me this way. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, if you can be with your family, and looked after somewhat, for the rest of the pregnancy, then you should. Your DC are very lucky to have such a lovely mum. For now, you being well is enough for them.

Make yourself a large chocolate cake when you feel up to it too!

HipHopOpotomus · 09/02/2012 17:20

So glad you have packing helpers! I will be thinking of you tonight. All of these painful steps are steps towards a better place - little by little, slowly you WILL get there. For now focus on the essentials - let everything else slide away - it can wait.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2012 17:28

choco, as we've said all along, do what feels right for you

I am glad to see this anger from you, although it feels so horrible

he is deserving of your hate and anger

he is a hateful man who has done, and is continuing to do, hateful things

gettingeasier · 09/02/2012 17:28

I am glad you can do that and get some RL support Choco

Totally agree with everyone saying dont prioritise him and DS atm there will be plenty of time for that

I admire how strong you are to get up and go , you are amazing !!

Lueji · 09/02/2012 17:29

Good on you.

I hope all goes well.

He certainly doesn't deserve you. You are better off without.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 09/02/2012 17:44

OMG he texted me to say there is more than one way to look at things and he's been 'inadvertently' upsetting me for 3 years so he's 'used' to it and should have expected it. And that he hopes that 'in time' I'll get used to the situation.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

inadvertently??

Bringing his girlfriends car here, telling me she's being 'kind' and is a great person, is inadvertently upsetting me

HE IS SICK

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 09/02/2012 17:46

may I just add

RAGE

RAGE

RAGE

OP posts: