how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

I'm feeling scared and confused. I don't know if I should go at all, I want to say something positive and affirming for myself, but I keep second guessing myself and worrying that it will all be too much. I don't know if I will bottle out in the end... honestly I feel completely split on this one right now. To go, or not to go?

Personally, I would not go

It seems too early for you, your thoughts are not crystallised sufficiently

Only time can do that, and you cannot rush it or steamroller it in an attempt to find "closure"

Forget "closure" for now, roll with it, and if you don't want to go, don't go

you don't have to do anything right now

the only person you owe anything to is yourself

Please don't tell him you forgive him. It is early days and I think you still have a lot of anger to get out. Could you go on your own and talk through your feelings without him there?

If you do go with him, maybe you could focus on how you want the relationship to be going forward. that would be constructive and enable you to make clear your boundaries with respect to him

Sorry choco, you have already answered my question about Friday.

I think you should only go if YOU want to. He has put you through enough and you owe him nothing. You may want to have a mediated meeting about arrangements for DC at some point, but it doesn't need to be yet.

Would it be worth considering having a session without Ex and then maybe having one with him (if he agrees to come) at a later date? I had a few sessions alone at Relate and found them very helpful.

The important thing is you are thinking these positive affirming things already albeit amongst tears and sorrow. You dont see how we do that that bodes so well for how you will get through ongoing

To or not to go ? Decide that on the day at the exact moment you need to put on your coat to leave

OK... deep breath. There are still another two nights to sleep on it.

No decisions yet. At least I have 4 versions drafted now ranging from furious to resigned. I doubt I'll take any with me. But I know I've thought through most of the mess in my head even if no-one ever sees any of it but me. I may burn them all, go and say nothing at all.

I guess if I go I will probably know instinctively what version I truly want to share... and dignity may be the last thing on my mind. I can't predict the future... so maybe I should stop worrying so much. I will forgive him. I know I will. But maybe you're right, and he doesn't need to know that now.

Worst comes to worst, if I cancel at the last minute really I've only inconvenienced him, and there's hardly any reason to worry about that.

Is 'forgiveness' the right description for what you want to get across?

You're actually saying you're prepared to be the bigger person in this mess, you will agree/accept to work on maintaining his relationship with dcs but beyond that?

It seems obvious from what you're saying that genuine contrition is far from the top of his agenda.

It's all far too raw still for you, be gentle to yourself xxx

Thats right Choco , resign yourself to the fact you will change your mind 100 times between now and then

Whatever you decide to do about Friday, please be gentle with yourself.

I totally understand why you want to remain dignified but I do think that it may be difficult not to get upset. I'm not implying that being upset is not dignified- just that it might take superhuman effort not to show how sad you are that he has let you down so terribly.

Sleep well choco, tomorrow is a new day.

Forgiveness requires genuine contrition, and you haven't got that from him.

You're nowhere near forgiveness yet, you couldn't possibly be.

To truly forgive something as awful as he has done is not something that just happens one day because you decide it has. It is a process that takes time.

Being resigned to the present he has decided for you, hopeful about the future you will decide for yourself and your children, and determined to maintain your dignity is great.

I don't see what you have to gain from this counselling session on Friday. You seem to be very worked up about it, when it effectively signifies absolutely nothing - it's not going to change anything.

Remember the only point of the session is to assist you in feeling better. It may not give you closure as it is all still new and raw and you will have a whole new dynamic when the baby arrives to deal with as well. I wouldn't announce to him that this is the last time you will tell him how you are feeling - he may be thinking that he just has to sit through it and then he is off scot free.
Keep your cards close to your chest and at all times think about what you need to say. A last minute cancellation of the whole thing or of his participation is fine if that is what you need to do at the time.

You are doing amazingly well to be able to even pick out your ever changing emotions let alone get them onto paper and ordered.

Perhaps it might be worth getting some legal advice to clarify the housing, support, contact positions for the children before talking to him at Relate?

I think forgiveness will free you and he will reap the whirlwind he has sown in his life by natural consequence. But he is not listening to you at all right now and if you lay yourself bare in front of him I fear he will trample on it all.

Sounds really clinical I guess but since he has proven untrustworthy beyond all doubt get some legal support and a plan that means he has to do the best by his children even if you have to force him to.

My concern would be that he might promise all sorts of things, or nothing at all if he is still in denial, and you will be left with raging emotions but no further forward with the facts of how things will pan out for you and the children.

Would information on the practical things help make you feel more grounded right now? Or do you think the emotional side is best let out first? Obviously I don't know your circumstances, so housing and money might not be as great an immediate concern to you as they would to me if this occurred so feel free to totally disregard my ramblings.

Thinking of you.

thanks everyone - I've had legal advice now, and I have a plan irrespective of him for me and the DC for the next 6 months at least. I have sorted out money as much as is possible, and practically speaking there's not much left to do that won't take months or even years (selling the flat, getting divorced). The DC and I have somewhere to live and I only have to get through to mat leave before I can put the immediate situation (staying in the flat) behind me and move on.

I don't agree that forgiveness requires the other person to have total contrition, because that's only necessary to receive forgiveness. To give it, only the wounded person needs to be willing. If it's never accepted that doesn't matter, because it still releases the hurt person from carrying the hurt around with them. It's neither here nor there if the person being forgiven knows or understands that it's happened. So I guess I've answered my own question there. I can do it, without saying it, and it's totally valid. I don't need him to hear and receive my forgiveness at all. All I need to do is be willing to allow myself to let it go... whether that takes a month/year/decade to do completely I have no way of knowing. But I can start to practice it a little bit at a time, today. I don't think it's a case of saying I've decided so it's done - more, I've decided, so it's begun.

That actually makes me feel better. Thank you all for the excellent advice, it's so hard to step outside myself and see things objectively (not to mention totally unrealistic) so I am really incredibly grateful for your insights x

Wow, you really have got your head together over this! I'm so impressed with your thoughts on forgiveness and absolutely agree that he doesn't need to hear it, you only need to feel it so that you can move on. I think, like Weblette, perhaps its not even 'forgiveness', but 'acceptance' you feel.

You're not forgiving him to let him off the hook or to try and stay together, so really its none of his concern at all and he doesn't need to hear you say it - he will see in all the things you do that you have accepted your new situation with good grace and that you are making lemonade with the lemons he's dumped on you!

You're doing the best thing for you and your DCs in every decision you make. Forget going to counselling, you should be a counsellor!

Choco, I think you're pretty darn amazing.

I wanted to give you a suggestion for your letter, if I may? It's not necessarily for him, but it may help you. Could you write a list of the ways you feel sorry for him. Not sorry as in you'll try to make him feel better - that's his look out - but ways in which his f-up have ruined his life. For eg:
I feel sorry for you because no-one will ever love you as honestly and completely as I did.
I feel sorry for you because you won't be there every day to see how pretty f-ing amazing your child are.
I feel sorry for you because you have shown yourself that there are no depths to which you will stoop to get a shag.
I feel sorry for you because you'll never get to have sex with me again, etc

It may be a lame suggestion but hopefully it'll clarify in your mind how much better off you are without him. And how it really is his loss. You could follow it up with a list of all the wonderful things you can do now you don't have him as your worthless H.

Big hugs to you. X

Sorry, depths to which you won't stoop

I completely agree with your last post, Choco, about forgiveness. It does come from with and he does not need to know.

By addressing it you have started the process of forgiving which will ultimately lead you to peace and your future life.

All your plans may have been swept away by his behaviour but your future will be good because of who you are and how well you are dealing with the situation.

Remember that as one door closes another opens and I am convinced that all will be so much better in the end and it will be him losing out, not you.

Agree with the others about forgiveness being something for you, not him, and think you have amazing clarity to get this at what is still a very early stage in the process.

Keep hold of that clarity and strength. If you do go on Friday, do and say what is going to be best for you. I dont think it can be an easy thing to all of a sudden halt acting in someone else's best interests, especially if you have grown used to doing that for a long time and it has become instinctive.

However, his wellbeing is no longer a factor in your decision making process. He is not an emotional responsibility of yours any more. And that means the forgiveness aspect is about you, not him. So definitely remember that you dont need to communicate this to him if you dont want to.

Am completely in awe of your strength and dignity.

strength and dignity gone.

He picked up DS in his girfriends car half an hour ago, telling me how nice she is for lending it to him. I have no doubt he just took our son to go play happy families with her.

I am so unbelievably hurt and angry, I'm so fucking disappointed and I just hate him - HATE HIM. I can't do this. I can't be the fucking bigger person, I can't stand being the only person thinking of the wellbeing of our son. I can't even stand to look him in the face - he is SUCH A BASTARD.

Times like this I wish I would just be a bitch and let him go through the courts for access to DS. Only to give myself a break, and not have to deal with him for a while. But yet again, I am too fucking considerate to do that. I worry about the effect on DS. So I put myself through it, time and time again, and he takes it for fucking granted that I will.

What did I do to deserve this? I'm fucking pregnant, he has two children, but this unborn baby means nothing to him. It's fine to hurt me, shock me, distress me and abuse my trust over and over and over again - no matter what effect that has on me and OUR baby.

I HATE my life today. I am so, so angry.

He's a real shit. It's ok to be angry and hate his guts. It's only natural after what's done and how he is behaving.

I'm so sorry.

He is a shit choco

Hang on in there .. it's crap just now but when you get yourself sorted (divorce etc) his relationship will be floundering if it even lasts that long!

And even if it does last you are well rid of the tosspot!

Don't have any personal experience of this... but.. are you being too accomodating?
I'm sure others will have wiser words, but I would want to make his life much more difficult than you have so far.

However, you are doing it for DS, who in time will surely make his own mind up about his father and probably realise how strong you had to be in order to keep his life as normal as possible. So that is a thought worth holding on to.

(Hope the bitch dumps him and leaves him moping in his own shit, btw)

I would hate him too he really is extrordinarily insensitive.

Just get through today these feelings of anger will pass.

I hate to say it but this , in its simplest form , will be how you will feel for the next few months. From peace and feeling like you are moving forward to heart break and rage all in 24 hours.

This is normal though and will gradually recede with his rotten behaviour becoming less and less impactful and your positivity taking over more and more.

Hugs

Also - everything happens for a reason - you are so well rid of him, I know it's shit it happened while you are pregnant, but as you slowly get your life back together you'll be so glad you didn't waste anymore time on living with him.

how do I cope with him flaunting her in front of me? Telling me how nice she is? Taking our son out with her? It makes me sick to my stomach and ill. :(

my family want me to go home (3.5 hours away) and stop trying to 'be superwoman' doing everything on my own. I'm starting to agree. Is that wrong? Should I stay? We're moving there at the latest in May anyway, so I don't know why I'm trying to stay for now, the stress is just appalling whenever he is around. I don't know what to do :(