I was the OW

[SorrySorry]

And I don't know how to get past it.

I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to be outed. This post isn't really about the actual affair but about why it happened and how I can move on.

The basic history is that he was a friends husband. He initiated it. We had a brief fling, which resulted in a pregnancy and his wife was told. He has no physical contact with his child other then sending a present at Christmas and birthday times. All contact is done via email via his wife as per their insistence. I understand this is how they need things to be to heal the marriage so I'm happy to go along with that. The contact is very much along the lines of "please suggest a present" andy reply must not contain personal details about the dc.

So, my issue now is, 3 years on and it's still very much in my head. Not in a still love him way though.

I'm disgusted with myself. I cannot get past these feelings of guilt and constantly am questioning how I could have been so stupid. How did I ever think he cared? It's very obvious now that it was sexual for him. At the time I thought it was more because I convinced myself he liked me as we got on very well as friends previous to the A. I feel stupid. Like of course I should have known I couldn't offer him anything more then sex. He had everything already - house, wife, child and money to be comfortable. He'd never give that up and I should have seen that.

I feel sick at the thought of what we put his wife through. She was betrayed by her husband and someone she thought of as a friend. I can never make that right but wish everyday she knew how sorry I was. I read the threads here and feel awful for what I did.

I don't know how to stop it'll crashing around my head. I don't think I should be guilt free but I literally hate myself for being so thick and getting into the situation. My child has no father or extended family because of me. I never thought I was that kind of person but it's made me see what my personality is made of and I hate me.

I don't know what to do now.

Have you considered counselling? It might help to get all of these thoughts and feelings out.

Fwiw, I think you and your child have been treated appallingly by this man.

He created a child and unfortunately for him and his wife, being a father to that child is more important than 'healing his marriage'. The fact that he cannot see this makes me think that he is a selfish and cowardly man.

Have you considered just cutting all contact? Why does your child need tokenistic presents form this man? He isnt a real father, is he? I would worry that this was an incredibly dysfunctional, cold relationship for my child to have with their dad, and would rather cut all contact, if it were my child.

I should also add that, while I sympathise with you to a certain extent, you should really be worrying about how this is affecting your child, rather than wallowing in guilt.

But you have stepped back from him and done all the right things since. You should be moving on by now.
As long as the ex MM is doing all the right things by his wife she will be well on the road to healing .
Why still beat yourself up? Is it because you have a dd by him ? A constant reminder?
Or do you still have feelings for him?
Well done for posting this,I hope you get a lot of support.

Hold on.

Yes you did something that you regret, you slept with a friends husband which is not great. But he played a part in this too.

3 years on and you should not be feeling guilty.

I'd be more worried that your childs father thinks its appropriate to send presents twice a year, hear nothing of his child and then believe he's 'doing his bit'

That imo is disgusting.

You need to put this behind you and concentrate on the good things. You are not a bad person, ok you made a mistake but seriously all this 'calling the shots' from him and his wife makes me very angry.

I'm sorry of this is not helpful...x

My child doesn't know. The gifts are added to the pile and the cards stored away. I know that they are sent as a gesture to save face. He can always say that he bothered with him. I'm frightened to cut everything. I never want him to say "she stopped us seeing each other" should my dc find him when he's older.

I don't know about counselling. Is it expensive? I would struggle to find child care but maybe it would be worth that?

get yourself some counselling.

My marriage broke down thanks to an OW. I don't blame her half as much as I blame my STBX. My children have suffered, I have suffered. Their father, through his own stupidity is suffering. I have no idea if she suffers or not - but one thing I have learned through all of this, is that pain is a messenger. If you are in pain, it's because you need to change your situation. There's no point staying where you are, hurting endlessly. All you will do is pass on your pain to others.

Listen to the messenger - the pain you are feeling now is not because you are a hateful person (no matter what you might think or what others might say). You did something stupid, it's caused a huge ripple effect. But you have a choice now, stop standing in the middle of the disaster and move on. Be a better person - your son deserves a mother who can hold her head high and say, yes, I made a mistake. This is what I've done to make it better.

Only you know what needs to change about who you are. Start by focusing on other people instead of yourself. What can you do to help others now? Self-esteem begins with doing esteemable things. It might sound simplistic but if you have been a person who has caused pain, start being a person who brings healing. Volunteer at crisis/shelter/a refuge (insert your own idea). Do something to learn about the good parts of yourself, and stop obsessing about the bad.

Also - get some perspective. The worst thing you have ever done is not the SUM of who you are. You can, and will, find things to like about yourself again, but not until you allow yourself to stop focusing on this mistake. Counselling will help you move forwards, but positive action will help more. You did something bad. Ok, accept it. And start doing something good today - you have a whole future ahead of you, and a lovely son to share it with. There's something special, good and unique that has come out of this mess, your child. My XH hardly sees his kids. I cope with that not by being resentful of his absence, but by being grateful that I don't miss a thing.

Good luck.

You and him did an awful thing BUT i think he and his wife are not being fair to the child he created.
You can't change what you did, but you need to deal with it and move forward

You can get a referral for counselling from your GP. It may take a few months to get an appointment, but it wont cost you anything.

Why are you frightened to cut contact? You can tell your child the truth when he is older. Surely that it will be easier (and fairer) to tell your child that his father risnt around, than allowing this situation to continue? Your child doesnt need 'another present on the pile'. And this man obviously isnt in ANY way a father to him.So why keep up this poisonous contact with this man's wife, someone who c;learly depsises you and your child? It is crazy.

You wot be able to move on until you take control of your life an dstop putting your happiness in his hands.

You need to find someway to move on. Yes you carry some of the blame but it was him that cheated on his marriage and his child and I hate to say it but if it wasn't you there would have been someone else... sorry I don't want to come across as mean but I think you realise that anyway.

You made a mistake, you certainly won't be the last!... and now its time to move on and forgive yourself... I think that the whole present thing should probably stop. its of no benefit to your child, there is no emotion in it if there actively say they don't want to know anything about your child. Its simply a way of the man feeling like he's doing something but its just a meaningless token gesture. If I were you I would just say that he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life then you need to cut all ties and move on.

Please forgive yourself... you've not done damage to your child. Forget the past and look at the amazing person you have and just concentrate on giving him/her a happy life! Good luck x

I think you are still being punished by this man and his wife. I can absolutely understand why his wife would want no contact with you and why she feels the need to control her H's contact with you. But for as long as you continue this heartbreaking contact, you will always be made to feel like the bad guy, the guilty party. In fact, two of you were guilty of your friend's betrayal and it sounds like her husband has got off easy.

Do you think your DC benefits from these twice yearly gifts? Gifts which cannot possibly be from your DC's father's heart as he has no desire to know anything about him/her? I would also urge you to cease all contact if you do not believe there is any benefit at the moment. Of course, when your child becomes old enough, you can let them know about their father.

I would urge you to seek counselling to help you through this and to make you realise that it is not all your fault. Yes, of course you do have some responsibility, but my feeling is this man probably preyed on you when you were particularly vulnerable, got what he wanted and has continued to live his own life without penalty.

I am angry at him too but I can't fix that. It's very clear he will have no meaningful involvement and his marriage, child and indeed new baby will always come first.

I'm shocked I found it so easy to justify to myself. I reasoned that it was never true love between them etc. I turned everything she said about how they were getting on into evidence that they shouldn't be together. I don't know why that was so easy and I'm scared about what kind of person that makes me.

I won't get close to friends now. I am cold with my own bil because I'm frightened he'd think I was flirting with him.

he's trying to save face, that's awful.

I wouldn't accept anything from them at all.

I would question anyone who thought it appropriate to just send tokens but not actually want to know any personal details - are this couple for real?

Does he pay any maintenance?

For me it would be contact or nothing - his choice.

Can you imagine this scene when your child is older.

'Oh I never knew my dad but he always sent me a christmas present'

Sounds wrong

OP, by your last post it sounds like you've resigned yourself to being the bad guy forever. Does your child deserve that?

I take it he pays maintainance as wel as sending these 'gifts'?

Would writing a letter to his wife (as she was once your friend) help ease your guilt? She , more than likely,won't answer.
I suggest the letter because my DH had an affair , almost 3 years ago,with a colleague. He's done and said all the right things and we are very much back on track. I sometimes wonder how the ex ow feels now, guilt, resentment, hatred towards me. I would welcome a letter of apology from her but think she wouldn't have enough strength of character to do such a thing. And, she still tries to re establish contact with my H, so I don't think she is sorry. But you are.

I know the contact between us is unhealthy but I don't want it to be my fault. Maybe with time he will want to see him? But if I've burnt that bridge then what?

On the surface, I am moving on. Moved house. Working. University. My ds is a joy and I'm angry his father will never know that.

He is a cunt.

You made a mistake and now it's time to move on. You are NOT that kind of person anymore if you were you would not be feeling like this. Quite honestly I would send him and his wife a short email telling them their presents are no longer required as they have no meaning to your child. How can you move on with this really quite toxic situation. Does he financially support his child?

It's done, you have a child and I am sure you do not regret him. You are raising him alone. You have paid your dues and still are.

Seriously, it's done, it's time, get over it.

It would not be your fault to start calling the shots when it comes to your child. For me, it would be all or nothing in terms of contact with his father.

Do you love this man?

Are you holding on to some idea that he'll choose you eventually?

You did a bad thing so did he, you have shown respect and said you are sorry and will go with what they want...that's great for them.

But you need to think for your dd now she is getting older. She will want to know aboout her dad in a year or so esp when she sees other dad's at school.

The others are right you need counselling and possibly ADs as you sound more than guilty...possibly depressed?

What are you going to tell your dd? I didn't think giving her presents from an absent dad is right...I never did for the 2 my ex gave. I gave them to charity. Beacuse I did not want a reminder.

This man will never be a real father to your dd. It is for you to decide in counselling if you want this to continue and cause hurt/rejection for your dd in future or if you want to draw a line, forget the past and concentrate on the future for your dd sake and find some happiness for you both.

You cannot carry on taking the guilt of the world on your shoulders, you did the right thing and was sorry/respected his decision to let his family heal...yours need to heal and move on now.

It's like The Scarlet Letter! FWIW my take on this is:

1. It is always darkest before the dawn. It looks bad now but I get the feeling you are on the cusp of feeling better.

1. Counselling might be helpful but I don't think you need much tbh. You sound pretty grounded in many ways.

1. The father would be better off setting up a decent financial/savings plan for your son and stopping the whole present nonsense, which sounds very fake to me.

1. Once you feel better and more confident, there's a case for looking for a decent bloke to marry and have more babies with. Don't rush into it though, and choose someone who dotes on you and is of a kind and cuddly disposition whilst being physically attractive enough that you will be happy waking up next to him every day for the rest of your life.

Seize the day and grab some happiness for yourself.

I think you still have feelings for him and are very angry over the way he rejected you so coldly and that is stopping you moving on.

Stop all contact with them, stop the presents, they are a hollow gesture .

Please reassure us that he is paying maintainance for his son.

This useless fuckwitman and his wife have behaved appallingly to you and it isn't healthy.

Is he paying maintenance? If not, he should be. Does your child see this useless fuckwit man?

It is, as has been said already, totally toxic.

Get some legal advice about access/maintenance, take it, do what's suggested and move on.

This will do you and your child no good in the long term.

The one who fucked up and cheated on his wife is the useless fuckwitMAN not you. His wife is making you the scapegoat and that means she doesn't need to hate her useless fuckwit husband she can hate you instead.

Time to put a stop to it.

Oops

Strikeout fail.

point well made differentname

regardless of the fail

ClareSage I too had apology off OW (who became the wife/exwife)...I accepted it...it helps both sides.

But Sorrysorry I blamed my ex not the OW...but situation bit different as I was 3 months pregnant and he started an internet affair with OW and she told me after they divorced she knew nothing of my pregnancy and was told ex had broken up with me months earlier...I don't know really what the truth was...but it helped OW apologised.

I think different reckons this man is a fuckwit. Not quite sure what it was about her post to make me think that though

Actually, I think BM gave some great advice. Stop with the presents and get him to set up a decent savings account for his son.