I was the OW

[SorrySorry]

And I don't know how to get past it.

I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to be outed. This post isn't really about the actual affair but about why it happened and how I can move on.

The basic history is that he was a friends husband. He initiated it. We had a brief fling, which resulted in a pregnancy and his wife was told. He has no physical contact with his child other then sending a present at Christmas and birthday times. All contact is done via email via his wife as per their insistence. I understand this is how they need things to be to heal the marriage so I'm happy to go along with that. The contact is very much along the lines of "please suggest a present" andy reply must not contain personal details about the dc.

So, my issue now is, 3 years on and it's still very much in my head. Not in a still love him way though.

I'm disgusted with myself. I cannot get past these feelings of guilt and constantly am questioning how I could have been so stupid. How did I ever think he cared? It's very obvious now that it was sexual for him. At the time I thought it was more because I convinced myself he liked me as we got on very well as friends previous to the A. I feel stupid. Like of course I should have known I couldn't offer him anything more then sex. He had everything already - house, wife, child and money to be comfortable. He'd never give that up and I should have seen that.

I feel sick at the thought of what we put his wife through. She was betrayed by her husband and someone she thought of as a friend. I can never make that right but wish everyday she knew how sorry I was. I read the threads here and feel awful for what I did.

I don't know how to stop it'll crashing around my head. I don't think I should be guilt free but I literally hate myself for being so thick and getting into the situation. My child has no father or extended family because of me. I never thought I was that kind of person but it's made me see what my personality is made of and I hate me.

I don't know what to do now.

I know why this happened. I was so surprised he was attracted to me. Surprised and gratefull

This is not a mistake I will ever repeat. I just need to work out how to get some self respect so I've the confidence to say "jog on" to any guy who would use me like this again.

I like the suggestion that actions are a good way to start. I'm not a huge believer in Karma (nor am I catholic!) but it might be a good place to start.

Oh and thanks for everyone's input. It is appreciated.

Yes but.....you used him too. I honestly don't think it will help you if you have a version of events that makes you a victim. It might be true that you used him to prop up your self-esteem as perhaps he used you for the same purpose. Just as he might have once blamed you and should now be taking responsibility for his own role in events, so should you. This isn't said to guilt-trip you further, but to encourage you to take responsibilty as an adult woman and see that neither of you were victims of the other.

completely agree with windsortides last para re:circumstances of conception. It is important to have a positive explanation to give your child when she asks, and to have it practiced so that when he/she askes you don't look visibly traumatised and shy away from the question (again voice of bitter experience as the unwanted child)

btw I am in the don't send the letter camp. As there is no guarantee she will take it in a positive spirit, and you don't sound strong enough to cope with that atm.

I think your son will find out the truth - my ex was VERY surprised to find he was the product of an affair but then proceeded to repeat history & have an affair himself!!!

She was a friend & you slept with her husband - I agree with those saying that contact DOES have to be cut for them to move forward. He is a spineless creep but that's not going to change.

I agree that you suggest instead of presents they put it into an account for when he is older.

There is no easy solution - men tend to the children of the woman they love at any moment. I know loads of men who spare hardly a thought for their own flesh & blood but are all over their step children. My ex was busy writing emails about wanting to watch OW's son playing football & ignored his own for a year!!!

Sorry I was once married to someone who cheated. I can tell you honestly that I blamed him not the ow. The situation is different as the wife in this case was a friend - however - she has chosen to stay with him and therefore must also face the fact that he has a child with you.

Your child has done nothing to deserve the situation that he/you find him/yourself in. It is inexcusable of his father to send a present a few times a year and pay a pittance in maintenance when you yourself suspect - quite rightly in my opinion - that he is earning far more working for his wife and playing the system.

What I suggest you do is contact the wife and tell her that you feel that your son needs to have contact with his father! That not only does he require more financial support but he needs to have a relationship with the man who helped create him. I appreciate that his marriage is important to him but there was a time that it wasnt hence the affair with yourself and he has to take responsibility for that child that came from that affair.

Im sure that himself/wife will resist this but remind them both, via email, that your son will not be a child forever, that its best to try and have a relationship with him now rather than have him grow to 18, find out the truth and rap their door one day asking difficult questions!!

You fucked up op, no doubt about it but it doesnt make you a bad person, you just made a mistake and you have been far better at dealing with it than you might have been.

Yourself and your son deserve respect - dont let this man take it from you!!

x

deb

Sorry, courage and honesty is hard to flame.

Windsor is giving you some good advice.

The rapprochement advice I am giving, is because I respect your courage AND you, him and the wife are forever tied in a triangle. And there is a little boy involved.

Gosh, affairs are such a mistake. They hurt everyone. Why does the wider society not talk about them more honestly? I bet you sorry NEVER thought she would get wrapped up in one. I NEVER thought I would be affected.

My stbx left me 5 months ago for the mistress he fathered a child with.
A woman we had known for 25 years.
Their child will be 2 next week, 'our' DD is 5.5!

I would love to think that stbx's mistress has any feelings such as you do, some how I doubt it. She's currently sporting a 'cat that got the cream' look.
However she is welcome to him, he has lied and cheated on me and DD for 3 years, he's also strung his mistress along during that time.
Not so great a catch really.

As other posters say it is the person stepping outside of the partnership who is at fault.
Clearly some people have no self control.

OP you have shown great courage and humility in posting about this.
Good luck in the future.

You are right windsor I guess I did use him to prop up my self esteem.

I have to say that I've tried very hard not to feel a victim in this. In rl I'm very independent. I don't think I feel a victim of him. More of my own making but that is still a victim mantality isnt it?

I do need to change my thinking. I just don't know where to start.

Its been good for me to hear it from the wife's point too.

I certainly don't feel brave though.

deb thanks for your post too.

I have made it clear that I wanted him to play a part. I honestly don't think I can change his intentions now. All I can do now is stop it hurting my son.

And that's the scary bit.

Whatever the circumstances, your child is NEVER a mistake!

Draw back from these people, even if he is the father and concentrate on your son and you as his mother.

The best thing you can do for him is be there and make the best life you can for the two of you.

Take it from me as a single mum of a 20-year-old, dad left when he was 6 months old.... (we were married, but that's neither here or there..).

Hi OP, I think now you need to stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. You made a mistake. A HUGE one but you can't carry on with your life like this.

If I were you, I'd write a letter/email to your ex friend. I would explain you wish to cut all ties as this "arrangement" isn't suitable for your son. Since they have called the shots on their side, I would start calling them now. And by doing that you can't get on with your life.

If by some chance in the future he does decide to make contact with your son then the ball is in his court.

I can't see how you can move on while he and his wife are still kind of in your life. Good luck sorrysorry. I hope it all works out for you x

sorry this all has to stop right now. Yes you made a huge mistake. Not as big as your ds father did though. You have paid the price, enough now.

Stop with the guilt, it serves no one. All well and good to be grateful for his crumbs when you had the affair but you're a mother now and ds deserves more. Please don't make him also feel second best by enabling the status quo. Forget sending a letter, it will either go in the bin or harden her further. No more punishment, apologizing, acting like the inconvenience they want you and ds to be.

I would make it clear to both that your ds is here, he is his father and a piss poor one. Mention him any opportunity you get, he is not a dirty secret he is your lovely ds and at least you can show your pride in him. If his F wants to be an arse that's up to him, you don't have to go along with his truth.

OP I have re read my post and it sounds like I don't think you are proud of your ds. That is not what I meant, more that you and ds have every right to live your lives out of the shadow of the past.

Sorry,

You sound lovely. TBH I think if I was the wife I would rather have hung on to you as a friend and ditched the cheating husband. I hope things get better for you and your son.

If I were the wife, I am afraid that I might feel that an apology was a bit self-serving, at worst, and a bit 'too little, too late', at best.

I have been the 'cheated on' person and an apology, years later, from the OW would have simply increased my hurt. It would not have made me feel better. There is nothing that the OW could say which would have helped me. And I would have seen it as another intrusion into my life and emotions. And yes, I would think that it was more about the OW and her "need" to say her piece and salve her wounds than about respect for me and what I needed.

EHoney, they both betrayed the 'wife'.
I can't see many women staying friendly with the ow whether she dumps the H or not!

It's ok Helen, I get what you are saying.

I'm not going to write the letter, or at least, I won't send one should I decide to put it all on paper. It would be about me more really. I doubt it will do a thing to help her and if there's a chance it might upset her further then I won't risk it.

I very much doubt she'd ever want to see me again much less pop round for coffee

Things will get better as I am determined to sort myself out for my sons sake. He deserves that. I am going to wait until his birthday when they will inevitably contact me and then I shall be telling them it has to stop. It clearly isn't for the benefit of my son and I won't let them use him to make themselves feel less guilty about casting him aside like this.

We'll be ok. I get this amazing boy and he can keep his token gestures and put the money in an account. He'll be in for a shock if he thinks my son will fall gratefully at his feet if as he hands over the cheque in lieu of any actual love.

Sorry

I agree re deciding not to send a letter.

If too gushingly apologetic then it will seem self serving/self pitying.

If succint and restrained it will seem curt/controlled.

And if it's met with an outpouring of vitriol you will be unable to cope - and unable to support her in these feelings.

It's all very well posters saying that you need to put the guilt aside - but you can't or haven't been able to thus far. Because you did a very bad thing. I wouldn't be able to get past the guilt either. And if I was your ex/wronged friend I would probably take some pleasure in knowing you have suffered all these years (except for I would be married to a cunt which would rather dampen this glee).

I do hope you get some closure/comfort from counselling - sincerely I do. It's clear you are terribly remorseful.

I'm not sure you should go to counselling to 'get over the guilt' but more to explore it, embrace it and understand it's part in making you realise what a mistake you made and what you have to change or guard yourself against in future.

"It would be about me more really. I doubt it will do a thing to help her and if there's a chance it might upset her further then I won't risk it."

Are you sure about this? Would it really be about you, or would it be acknowledging the hurt you caused? OWNING stuff and ACKNOWLEDGING it's damage is very rare in this narcissistic modern world, and it takes a lot of courage. Courage is: doing what you must do, even when you are terrified.

And more than two betrayed women have told you that an acknowledgement and apology from the OW would help them.

There is also something that is bigger than ALL OF YOU: and that is a child who means that you 3 are linked in your triangle to the end of eternity. there are children involved here, and how terrible would they ALL feel if each other's reality was dumped on them in later years. This is the basic truth. How ever much you regret it/he wishes you were obliterated/she tries to control it.

But of course, it is your choice. Just don't base it on some of the reactive advice you are getting here. Good luck in your counselling. xxxxxxxx

PS: if you are able to go back to that time, when dipshit and you were seducing eachother, I would be so grateful if you tried to describe that time? The excitement, the addiction, what you said to yourself and eachother to justify it.

If it is too humiliating I respect that.

It's hard wobbly but if I am to truly learn from this I do need to go over it to understand it.

It was to me, a complete and utter shock when he first expressed his feelings about me. We weren't flirty and I never picked up on a vibe. We got on with each other in a friendly way. His first text "good to see you again, hadn't forgotten how hot you were" left me speechless and I didn't reply. I showed a friend and asked for advice. I was flattered. But I knew it should never come to anything.

It went very fast from there. Texting and emailing all very racey stuff. We chatted on msn until late etc. it was extremely exciting. I had been single for a long long time and it made me feel alive I guess. I never ever felt attractive. I never thought anyone would want me. Let alone this good looking, quiet serious guy with a very good job etc.

I knew how they had got together. I had always thought the marriage was odd and although she was a good friend we had drifted apart prior to this. I honestly thought they weren't matched before he showed any interest and I think this is what made it easier to justify our actions. He never promised to leave her. He talked mainly about the connection we had that made he realise he was missing so much from his life. He wanted much more physically then she would give. I felt sorry for him. He seemed trapped in this convince set up and I thought that was sad. I heard what she said behind his back and it made me feel protective of him I guess. I used these things to prove she didn't love him - to myself. I never discussed what she said with him.

I tended not to question him about it. I was much more jumpy and scared then he was. I stopped it several times but he would keep up the contact and I'd fall right in again. Sometimes I knew it would go that way I suppose. I don't know why I didn't just block his number etc.part of me wanted to be chased a bit maybe.

I can't answer how he justified it. He never fully explained. I'd say it was wrong etc and he'd say it felt so right and he didn't know what he could do about that. It all seems so stupid writing this down!

I never expected him to pick me over the perfect life he lived in public. I honestly never counted on that happening. I guess I felt he deserved his own little bit of happiness. I knew that if she ever found out, she'd never leave him. I knew that for certain.

I need to go now. I will be back later. I past worrying about flaming now. I've never ever been honest about this with people in real life. I simply tell people it didn't work out between me and my sons father. I need to be honest with myself now and if it helps anyone else then all the better.

You did wrong, he did wrong, his wife is now doing wrong and there is a child in the middles of all this who deserves more from the adults around him