I was the OW

[SorrySorry]

And I don't know how to get past it.

I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to be outed. This post isn't really about the actual affair but about why it happened and how I can move on.

The basic history is that he was a friends husband. He initiated it. We had a brief fling, which resulted in a pregnancy and his wife was told. He has no physical contact with his child other then sending a present at Christmas and birthday times. All contact is done via email via his wife as per their insistence. I understand this is how they need things to be to heal the marriage so I'm happy to go along with that. The contact is very much along the lines of "please suggest a present" andy reply must not contain personal details about the dc.

So, my issue now is, 3 years on and it's still very much in my head. Not in a still love him way though.

I'm disgusted with myself. I cannot get past these feelings of guilt and constantly am questioning how I could have been so stupid. How did I ever think he cared? It's very obvious now that it was sexual for him. At the time I thought it was more because I convinced myself he liked me as we got on very well as friends previous to the A. I feel stupid. Like of course I should have known I couldn't offer him anything more then sex. He had everything already - house, wife, child and money to be comfortable. He'd never give that up and I should have seen that.

I feel sick at the thought of what we put his wife through. She was betrayed by her husband and someone she thought of as a friend. I can never make that right but wish everyday she knew how sorry I was. I read the threads here and feel awful for what I did.

I don't know how to stop it'll crashing around my head. I don't think I should be guilt free but I literally hate myself for being so thick and getting into the situation. My child has no father or extended family because of me. I never thought I was that kind of person but it's made me see what my personality is made of and I hate me.

I don't know what to do now.

So to summarise: 'My wife doesn't give me enough sex'

With a wee bit of 'wife doesn't understand me' 'you and I have a deeper connection' 'I'm trapped in an unhappy marriage but I could never hurt my wife or kids by leaving' thrown in.

God he's awful. You must have been very vulnerable to fall for every cliche in the book.

I feel very sorry for his wife.

CrysatlsAreCool I really don't think it's the fault of the wife that this child won't know his father. That is his fault, and the op's for having the baby knowing he was remaining married.

How the wife chooses to deal with this mess is up to her, but she asked for none of it. She had no say in the birth of the child. I personally wouldn't be able to do what the wife is doing, but she has every right to deal with this how she sees fit.

Yes proud that's about the strength of it. I wish I'd had the sense to see that. Had I been a mn'ter then I'm sure you guys would have beaten the sense into me before it went so far.

But it wasn't just him. I just did a very good Job of seeing what I wanted to and justifying it to appease my guilt. I am fully accepting of that. This thread has helped me see I have felt a bit of a victim of his charms and horrid behaviour after but I need to shed that now.

How long did the affair last OP? Who ended it?

Stop the contact, and move on with your life. Meet a single bloke, who is free to love you AND your son, who you can have a real family with, which includes your son. He can be raised with someone who cares about him.. it doesnt have to be a biological father, and he can have siblings who will be a part of his life.

Yes you fucked up.. but you dont need to spend the rest of your life in purgatory punishing yourself, and denying your son the chance of a stepdad, and yourself of someone who will love you and not use you.

I think that part of the guilt, or shame, you're feeling is that you (and by extension your child) are being treated like the dirty dogs in the corner. I guess they (the couple) have to make their choice about what they want to do about you and your child, but imo the choice they have made stinks. It smacks of contempt, fiddling the system so he (they) end up giving you/your child the bare minimum; calling the shots about presents and info. You are being treated like a dirty secret.

Ok, you've did a stupid thing but you've paid the price and done your penance. Time to move on with your life with your child. You made a mistake - don't we all, some large, some small - but we can't have mistakes hanging around our necks for ever. It's time to cancel the debt, both ways. Cut them loose - it is a shoddy deal anyway - and cut you and your child loose. You don't know what's ahead and deserve a good life, for your debt to be cancelled, for the benefit of you and your child. Go and get your life, leave the past behind.

You know, I have been thinking about this, but I said to s/one yesterday (about the absolute destruction that is an affair) - it's like a soldier in the trenches of WWW1: unless you were in the trenches you can have no idea of the horrors of it all.

Are people here commenting, who have never been in an affair? Then really you should be lurking only. Just my honest opinion.

The single most absolute fallout: you cannot undo anything. You cannot. So all this advice to tell her 'as if' she can wipe this experience by 'moving on' 'this has got to stop' 'never contact again' - just go away. Please. You have no idea.

Sorry is trying really hard, for the first time ever, to process what she has done/what has happened to her/her future. 'When you are going through hell, keep on going!' - Winston Churchill

Its like Lady Macbeth endlessly washing her hands: what is done, cannot be undone.
So, even the wife's attempts to keep her sadness at bay, to try and put OW and baby in a box - is futile. We know this is futile even as we understand her attempts to do so. The baby is the physical eternal evidence that the person who made vows to her betrayed her and I have absolutely no doubt at all that she has endless traumatic flashbacks of his dick spurting etc etc. Fighting this and for Sorry attempting to control it (by 'moving on/never contact him/this has got to stop' - is futile.

Sorry is doing a REALLY brave and honest thing here (which is why she is not being flamed) and having announced that she is not getting over it (you can NEVER sweep sh*t under the carpet successfully) she is asking our help to talk about it because she has never said anything in RL. Remember?

As for it being ALL the husband's fault - well, that is a bit of a cop out and Sorry knows it. She is responsible for the part where she made choices based on being seduced, knowing he was actually unavailable. That is what being married means. This is the bit that all OWs are responsible for, and Sorry's courage and honesty in facing this - well Sorry, as a betrayed wife you have my respect.

Sorry what you said about being overwhelmed and drawn into his amazing world of special love, his assessment that he is super special and above normal rules and you going along with it, is exactly what my IC said about 'my' OW. IC said: she got used (and that you, unaware wife and OW are twins in that you both agree with his idea that he is 'special') and you both got screwed. So we are both victims, but we both went along with it too!

Also what you said about 'this is wrong' and breaking up and going back - it a necessary part of the affair (they all follow this pattern) because it ramps up the addiction of the 'forbidden true love' and the fantasy. To much contact means that you start seeing eachother for who you really are, ie the boring world of real life the wife inhabits. Bills, boring selfish, long toenails, farting in bed, snotty kids. A wife can NEVER hope to compete with an OW. Ever.

So one day I hope you are strong enough in yourself to write that letter. To tell the story you have told us. Because it cuts through the futility, it cuts through dipshit's BS (he will have been telling his wife 'I always loved you, I never loved her, it didn't mean anything' - and I as a wife would like to hear how 'special' it all was to him, because whatever he says I KNOW he really pursued her, of course it meant something, so I still have to live with the lies as he is trying to make it all better - ya know? NOTHING is worse than not knowing), it acknowledges pain and hurt, and sorrow. For everyone. And in this sad triangle, you would be the leader, putting forward an agenda of honesty, regret and acknowledging another's pain.

Abitwobbly

You can't tell people they have no right to post on this thread unless they've...what had an affair? had a partner cheat on them? You are coming across as aggressive and oddly exclusive.

There have been no affairs within my marriage, but I know all about them, believe me. Lived through my parents'.

FWIW I'm not a poster who has said she needs to somehow just get past her guilt - I said quite the opposite. That I would be most likely be feeling the same three years on too.

I've said embrace the guilt (in counselling), explore it and learn from it rather than chanting 'Must not feel guilty anymore la la la' with fingers in ears. Humans feel guilt for a reason. In fact guilt is an individually studied/counselled emotion.

I've also said she is clearly truly remorseful - but I also judge her. Very, very much so. I have a friend who's husband cheated with another friend. It fucking broke her. That was two years ago and the bitterness still eats her up.

Most posters have acknowledged her bravery (hmm I'm on the fence about that). And ost of us are mature-ish adults, partners and parents who have been through all manner of experiences and are intelligent enough to process her situation.

"So one day I hope you are strong enough in yourself to write that letter."

Holy crap no! Don't ever write that letter. Or at least don't ever send it.

SorrySorry

I agree with the posters who encourage you to seek counselling so that you can understand why you are holding onto negative feelings about yourself for so very long.... preventing you from emotionally moving on 3 years later.

Some marriages work out, some marriages do not work out, lots of them end because of an affair and some couples stay together after an affair. These boards alone are evidence of how prevalent this is, how complicated relationships are.

What I am trying to say is that having had an affair is not a reason why you should spend the rest of your life emotionally punishing yourself. Perhaps if you had your time over you might have made different choices...but it happened.

You made a bad choice at the time but you are not a bad person and this does not define you.

So now it is DONE and you need to grieve for it as you would any other sad event in your life. Process the guilt and grief and anger and frustration so that you can move on emotionally.

They say a wound cannot start healing until the knife is removed, sadly in your case keeping contact with your ds's father in the current arrangement where you are emotionally downtrodden at a heartless distance is doing more damage than good. It's not helping anyone.

It is DONE and you need to grieve that it is over - no letters to wives, no more action is required on your part. It is not your job to fix their marriage. Their happiness and marriage is their own responsibility.

Cut off this unhealthy demeaning contact. Your son's father knows where you are - you are not responsible for his choices and if he chooses not to be a father to his own flesh and blood there is nothing you can do about that - he has to fall asleep every night of his life comfortable with his own choices. It is hard for us to understand how he could choose not to have contact, but it is not for you to solve. That is his responsibility.

You are a loving mother taking care of your own responsibilities on your own - you come across as self aware and a lovely person.

Your job is to be happy so that you can bring up a happy child. Definitely seek counselling for this, you will be happy again, fall in love again.

Proudnscary did your friend stay with Mr Cheat? How is she now?

Tell her to hang in there. 2 years is still fresh and painful tbh.

Its funny, although I have to deal with the reality of an OW in my life I don't judge Sorry. I tell her clearly she has brought this all on herself, but I do respect her honesty and her wanting to move forward.

As for writing the letter, the fact that there is a product of the affair does actually mean she is linked in the triangle - to eternity. No getting round that one. So she could be the grown up/leader in all this.

I personally would have embraced a child (had morning after pills not been taken etc), even if I had discovered continuing meeting behind my back/kicked him out subsequently. But that's me. This is a half brother/sister to my own children, and blaming and resenting an innocent beautiful child is just cruel.

WTF is "grown up" about writing to the wife??

If she is to move forward, she needs to cut all ties with MM and focus on rebuilding her own life and her child. The MM and his wife have made their choices with regards to the child and the only thing OP can change is how she chooses to live her own life.

Writing a letter will only stir things up, reopen old wounds and probably backfire onto the OP - she will find it even harder to move on.

The wife is entitled to move on as well, is she not? This business about the letter is really disturbing...imagine being the wife and having that arrive on your doorstep, perhaps when you least feel ready for it, simply because it suited the OP to do it now. The wife's not asked for an apology, after all.

abitwobbly you have posted one POV of the cheated-upon wife. Myself and others have posted another POV. In my case, yes, my (ex!!!!)partner had an affair. Maybe some of the posters have also been involved in an affair and maybe not...but please keep in mind that you do not speak for all of us 'wives'. My experience and advice - don't write a letter, and stop positioning yourself as a victim - is one perspective, as is your own. I'm sure the OP will make up her own mind in the end based perhaps on a range of advice here, but you are acting as though you have the exclusive inside insight into what is going on in the OP and wife's minds.

Stop wallowing in guilt. Forgive yourself and move on.

haven't read the thread so sorry if you had to read this loads of times already. I think it is not unnatural to feel attracted to someone who shows he is attracted to you and all that follows. But you do come equipped with a conscience IMO and you have free will to decide whether or not you will allow yourself to be swept along into things. What is done, is done. Now you have to come out of it stronger and wiser and be a bit more alert in future when men who have a partner show an interest in you. No need for excessive self-castigation

now you must concentrate on being a good mother and try to put all this behind you

What does 'moving on' entail?

What does 'putting it behind you' involve?

OP I wonder if this describes that time:

'The intoxicating power of total infatuation is a tragic seduction that all of us have experienced in one way or another. On the one hand, we sense when we are infatuated that we are succumbing to an illusion; on the other hand our fervour is so compelling that we don't seem to care about the price we will pay...

The seduction and persausiveness of the narcissist is a force ... [Faust]. Often the narcissistic individual is initially the pursuer in romantic relationships. Before receiving is attentions, you may not have felt drawn to him. However, once he devotes himself to the single-minded purpose of attaining your love, he can quite literally sweep you off your fee or outlast any reservations you may have about the relationship It is as if you succumb to his ardour because of the sheer force and unrelenting nature of his will, a force that is a hallmark of his narcissism.

[the responsibility of the OW] If we have experienced certain types of wounding in childhood, we are more vulnerable to this type of attraction - the attraction to the grandiose self of the narcissistic individual. Similar to the narcissist, we seek a substitute to compensate for our feelings of inadequacy... through our attachment to the grandiose self in someone else.

[The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Managing the 1-way relationship]

Good luck OP. I really recommend counselling so you can work through when what why and how; so you can be in a better space and be attracted to a better type of man in the future.

The wife has got him well and truly under her thumb hasn't she? She probably carries his balls around in her handbag too. The whole set-up sounds ridiculous - paying him the minimum wage, being the gate-keeper of any correspondence with regards to his son etc. It sounds as though he too is wearing a sack-cloth and allowing his wife to beat him over the head with regards to his affair. He probably can't stand her, but is stuck in the marriage for financial reasons or because she is so vindictive that if he doesn't do what she tells him to do she will use the children/money as emotional blackmail.

I would take all of the guilty emotions away from the situation completely. You had a relationship which resulted in a child. The fact that he is married is neither here nor there - the relationship could have foundered over a hundred different reasons. I would establish what contact your child will have with the father, if any, and how this can be achieved. The wife sounds like a pain in the arse and I would just ignore her. He sounds weak but he is the father of your child so - up to you and him to decide how you are going to manage contact. Good luck - I would see a sympathetic counsellor.

Point of clarification - the fact that he is married is obviously important in terms of contact with his son. But the fact that he was married when you had a relationship is just one factor - what I am trying to say is that the relationship could have broken down even if he wasn't married and he might still be a crap father.

Wow tadpoles, was there actually a point in that cliché-packed misogynist rant, or do you just enjoy slagging other women off?

Do you, by any chance, "get on better with men"? :o

Actually I thought it was quite sensible, and not really a rant. The whole thing dies sound very Scarlet Letter to me, as I said up thread.