I was the OW

[SorrySorry]

And I don't know how to get past it.

I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to be outed. This post isn't really about the actual affair but about why it happened and how I can move on.

The basic history is that he was a friends husband. He initiated it. We had a brief fling, which resulted in a pregnancy and his wife was told. He has no physical contact with his child other then sending a present at Christmas and birthday times. All contact is done via email via his wife as per their insistence. I understand this is how they need things to be to heal the marriage so I'm happy to go along with that. The contact is very much along the lines of "please suggest a present" andy reply must not contain personal details about the dc.

So, my issue now is, 3 years on and it's still very much in my head. Not in a still love him way though.

I'm disgusted with myself. I cannot get past these feelings of guilt and constantly am questioning how I could have been so stupid. How did I ever think he cared? It's very obvious now that it was sexual for him. At the time I thought it was more because I convinced myself he liked me as we got on very well as friends previous to the A. I feel stupid. Like of course I should have known I couldn't offer him anything more then sex. He had everything already - house, wife, child and money to be comfortable. He'd never give that up and I should have seen that.

I feel sick at the thought of what we put his wife through. She was betrayed by her husband and someone she thought of as a friend. I can never make that right but wish everyday she knew how sorry I was. I read the threads here and feel awful for what I did.

I don't know how to stop it'll crashing around my head. I don't think I should be guilt free but I literally hate myself for being so thick and getting into the situation. My child has no father or extended family because of me. I never thought I was that kind of person but it's made me see what my personality is made of and I hate me.

I don't know what to do now.

What a spineless twunt this bloke sounds.

The manipulation of his income hiding behind the company sounds incredibly vindictive. I am no accountant but I know a bit about small businesses and I cant imagine this is in any way tax efficient to the couple to arranged their finances like that. It probably cost them more in lost tax efficiency than it would for him to give you the amount of child maintenance you are really due. Cant imagine what you could do about it but cutting this present giving sham would be a start. Someone suggested him putting money in an account for your dc. Why not suggest that and if they wont do it (and I am guessing that would freak her out) tell them to take a hike.

Good luck to you and your dc.

mad I must be very fucked up to have done this I agree. But I don't want to be forever.

It's interesting to see it from the wife's side and I appreciate people taking the time to reply despite it being a very painful subject.

sea I guess I'm frustrated at the amount of CSA because I know that he has changed things within the company to pay as little as possible. It's not about the money. It's just upsetting because it's yet another way he is shirking responsibility for his child yet telling people heis paying to look good.

I am going to put some serious thought into cutting ties completely. It's not any benefit for my son is it? It's not going to make him feel better in the future to know that if nothing else, at least he got a couple of toys each year.

Sorry I would love to have had what you wrote from 'my' OW. Do you know why? Because it absolutely proves what my IC says, that nolongerdear H fucked us both over, that he used her, and it puts the spotlight very squarely on whose responsibility all of this mess is: the betrayer. And your empathy would mean such a lot. It would also stop his BS.

You are being paid in spades for your part in the triangle, and that was justifying what you wanted - him. Of course they weren't getting on: he was totally focussed on you, the feelgood solution! But your remorse means such a lot, and actually I would write a letter based on what you wrote to us, to the wife. Not with any expectations, but to acknowledge the hurt and betrayal you had an active hand in, and to let her know you suffer also.

Sadly the way he is managing contact with you over the baby is the prescribed way for adultery healing (see Shirley Glass and others). That the way forward is to acknowledge the wife's prior claim and he can NEVER have contact with you without her knowledge and paricipation. I had already resolved that should a child come, that no way would I ever blame or resent an innocent child, but I really love children and think they are a gift from god.

I think the way forward is counselling, for you to really look at how you allowed yourself to be mesmerised and used, for your empathy for the hurt wife to shine through as the manifest goodness it is. And to work towards sending that letter. You never know what might eventually come of it. The wife's children have a half-sibling out there, and there are certain things in life, that are bigger than we are.

Do not let this define you. You made a mistake, but to use the hackneyed phrase it takes two to tango. I suspect he made all the running, having sussed you out as someone who was lonely and/or vulnerable. Many married men do this. I suspect he was hoping for a no strings affair, the whole pregnancy thing probably took him by surprise.

It suits them both to make you the villain. All of their actions are designed to make you feel bad (and the fact you have accepted everything and not kicked off about it makes them think that you agree with their interpretation of events) - because the more they do so, the more they tell each other and themselves it was all your fault, the less they have to consider any weaknesses or issues in their relationship. Attack is the best form of defence & all that.

He sounds utterly weak and pathetic. I do not know one man who would turn their back on their own child in this way, whatever the circumstances of their conception. And tbh, I don't agree with the way his wife is playing it either. I fully expect a backlash from other posters re this, but playing the CSA system and hiding his income is pretty low. As is not allowing any contact with the child bar the presents. I don't really understand why people stay married in situations like that, where you end up tying yourselves in financial knots to avoid paying other than the bare minimum, and dictating rules of contact.

You have a lovely DS. The past is past, make the most of the present and future. Enjoy your life with your son, and live well. You have already wasted enough time allowing them to make you feel bad, don't let it continue. Tell them to bin the presents, and simply put the gift money into a savings account for your DS. Less of a reminder that way, and a (small) lump sum for your DS when he's older.

His wife is deluded. I'm afraid I don't see it from her point of view at all, actually, sorry. How can she have a shred of respect left for this man, who slept with her best friend, got her pregnant and then abandoned the child? Who takes no responsibility for his own flesh and blood She sounds very twisted and weak. They deserve each other!

OP before coming to the problem you outline in your thread, I just want to deal with one point.

I think the reason the wife and not her H is in contact with you might not necessarily be her doing. I think he might be refusing to contact you himself because he doesn't want to face up to what he did, so he asks his wife to fulfil the few obligations he is willing to meet. She is foolhardy for doing so of course and if I'm right she would be better served by getting her husband to face up to his own behaviour and responsibilities, but that is her look-out. Perhaps she knows he wouldn't do anything at all, but her own moral conscience thinks you and your child should have some support?

If this is the case, avoidance of taking responsibility means he could have another affair. Having another baby is by no means an indication that all is well, but that's not really your concern. None of us including you have any idea what their rebuilding process has been, but I'd be slow to judge his wife who like your son, was the innocent party in all this.

You're probably aware that wearing a sackcloth and ashes is often a self-indulgent exercise that serves to stop you dealing with the real issues about your own character and personality. It's literally stopping you dealing with why you behaved the way you did. If you don't confront that, you might make the same bad choices again, so I'd urge you to throw away the comfort blanket that is self-flagellation and guilt and get some counselling to find out what led you to where you are now.

Also have a think about that guilt, because I'm not sure it's real. If this man had agreed to ditch his wife and commit to you and your child, would you have said no? You see if you would have said 'yes' the guilt is a bit empty really and your anger with him might be more about choosing his wife and family over you and your son.

This doesn't have to define you as a person, as long as you learn from it and treat yourself and others better in future.

I do really appreciate these long replies. I'm reading them and taking it all in.

I can't comment on their marriage really. I really hope they have what they want out of it.

I'm coming to the conclusion that complete no contact is best. I will email them and ask that they only get in touch in the future should they wish to discuss proper access. I'll advise them to put money aside in the meantime although this was previously declined.

windsor I feel the guilt is real yes. The moment I told him I was pregnant was the moment I knew I would always say no to him so I dont think it's empty no. But I see your point.

I don't see how this guilt could be a condor blanket - could you explain that to me a bit more? I feel I'm facing what I've done and hate it but it's time to move on and find a way to address what led me there.

Condor = comfort

"they do not deserve you grovelling, as someone has already said you've accepted the way they want it, but I would not forgive the coldness they show your child"

is ridiculous advice and I hope you don't take it.

To write the letter acknowledging what you wrote us is a HUGE big hearted act of courage. You would be doing it without any expectations, and ultimately you would be doing it for YOU. You show a lot of integrity, and when/if the wife wrote it she could hardly keep you in the box of slut/whore/disgusting human being, could she?

It would ALSO blow a huge hole in twunt's victim spiel as well, wouldn't it? It would also blow open the elephant in the room.

Again, you would be writing it to express the true regret and remorse you have shown us - notice how you haven't been flamed? - you can't flame courage, integrity and true sorrow; and I have got a feeling something blame-wise in that household would shift. And not in twunt's favour.

windsor is right, I think, both about the wife's role in this, and about the 'sackcloth and ashes'

sorry, this might sound a bit brutal. But I think your focus is completely misdirected. You are still quite clearly wrapped up in your own feelings. What you did in the past was self-centred and self-absorbed, and took no care for who else might be hurt. OK. That's over and done. And many people have made mistakes that they have to live with and regret. It doesn't have to define you forever.

Here's the thing though...you no longer have the luxury to wrap yourslef in your guilt or construct a role where you are a victim of your ex, his wife, or anything else. That sort of guilt and misery is self-centred and self-absorbed.The only victim here is your child. It seems though that you are less concerned with figuring out the best future/present for him, than with "moving on and finding a way to address what led me there". Forget that - you have an emergency to deal with, in the form of your child....his material and emotional needs, which not one of you is adequately addressing.

Every adult in this scenario has acted selfishly. You sound like a decent person, but a bit blinded by your own hurt.

wobbly if I wrote a letter, I would hope she would see it for a genuine apology for my behaviour and the role I played in pulling apart her life.

It wouldn't be a way of making myself feel better, just an acknowledgement. It's something I'll think about.

I would word it in a way that didn't make it seem like I was begging for forgiveness especially.

There's been a lot said here that will have to sink in. I'll get a gps appointment this week and ask for counselling.

I was a little scared of being flamed but figured no one can say anything I haven't thought a million times already.

brdgrl I think my entire focus has been on my son tbh. It's why I am only now, after 3 years of putting my son first, ready to deal with myself. Because I'm not happy. Because I have no confidence. Because I have no self respect and because I feel that none of these things will make me the mother he deserves.

How I see myself is effecting his life. And it's the only reason I want that to change.

The truth is, this man will have lied and lied to his wife, just as he lied and lied to you. He will have told her that you pursued him, that you told you were suicidal at the thought of you breaking up, that you got pregnant deliberately. Whatever shite comes to mind, he will have cried into the arms of his wife and lied and lied.

Therefore his wife is trying to protect him no doubt. I bet you a cart of kippers he's of the poor-ickle-afraid- of-the-mad-bitch-who-stalked-me-and-deliberately-got-pregnant variety of adulterer.

Cut them both out. She has no catch in him. You should remind yourself that she is welcome to him frankly and the sordid knob he has in his trousers.

Teach your lovely son respect, kindness, laughter, love, encourage all his talents and tell him endlessly how many people in his life love him even if it's, for now, the family pets. Take him on a sunny holiday, tan yourself and know that you have done your penance. Are you Catholic? Gawd, your son doesn't deserve you expending this much wasted thought on his twatty father.

Delete the couple's email addres and definitely forget writing an apology - because he will have LIED IN HIS TEETH about you to his 'wife'.

Cut contact with this hideous couple.

I don't know if anybody else has said this but I am going to anyway.

When they say don't put detais about DC in the email, do!!!

You said he initiated it then he has to take responsibility for his actions. If she gives you grief about giving details don't react to it just send an update of DC on how they're doing etc. She will hate it, I'm sure you're sorry for that but your child hasn't done anything wrong so you can't keep letting them disregard him. Paying for a child isn't parenting.

You can't keep punishing yourself, your mental state isn't going to be good for your child. You're not as guilty as him, you was single (I'm guessing) and you responded to a mans advances. He wasn't available so it was wrong but he was more wrong for doing it.

I think I would also honestly say that they should just give the money for his present until they're going to actively get to know him (him more than her) then they shouldn't bother buying an actual present that they think he likes. THis might not go down well but for the sake of your child stop being a doormat. They're punishment towards you and your child should not be the crutch of healing their marriage.

UA I've never heard the " cart of kippers" saying before. Made me smile!

I think I have to accept that he has and always will lie. I don't think I'll ever be able to set them straight about our equal parts in this. It's frustrating to think that my side never got asked for from mutual friends but at the end of the day, I did it so it doesn't really matter what led to it or how or anything else so I get that.

My son will be ok. And who knows? Maybe he'll be better off without his fathers influence in his life? But he has my influence so that might not be an entirely fair point.

I can see pros and cons on the letter writing thing. But most people are saying cut the token gestures. I guess ultimately it won't matter to me what they say about cutting them out. Hopefully my son will see what I have done for him his whole life and that will be enough. All emails have been kept. He can see me offer full contact time and time again to them and his parents and siblings. I can look my beautiful boy in the face and tell him I've tried.

I just want to move past these feelings of constant guilt. I deserve some but should it be effecting so much?

cart of kippers

sorry couldn't resist

:)

You don't have to be catholic to feel guilt !

Hi there, Sorry Sorry. I just want to say a bit about moving on. All of this may seem trite/cliched so apologies in advance but it has worked for me (different circumstances).

First-you cannot change the past but you can choose a different present and shape a better future.

I wonder if you can do something to symbolise moving on and moving forward for you and your child? Change your user name maybe? Write a letter and burn it rather than send it?

You can be the person you want to be and the mother you feel he deserves.

You are obviously caring,insightful and determined. That's a good start in my book.

Good luck and enjoy being a mother.

OP, what's done is done. Stop beating yourself with that stick.

The man is a bloody dick of the highest kind.

His wife is punishing everyone.

Put a stop to contact. Tell them to put money in an account for when he's older.

Go and get coucilling (very important)

I think you (that is the OP and all us posters) have to look at this from all points of view and try to see the motives involved, acknowledging what we cannot know when we're only hearing one person's perspective.

We don't know that he and his wife are still blaming you and you alone. Hopefully by now they will have moved on from that position. It's understandable if his wife does blame you OP for your part in events, but that doesn't mean she doesn't blame her husband more.

This is a hard situation for everyone involved. It's a big ask of a wife who is trying to rebuild her marriage to embrace a child from a union that has caused her so much pain. It's not a big ask to insist that her husband faces his responsibilities and financially supports that child. The fact that he isn't should really worry her. She should not be involved in this situation at all.

I don't think you'd have anything to lose from writing her a letter apologising for your role in events and I think it might actually help her. She has probably been hating you for a long time and trying not to, because as adults we all know that hate often harms us more when there is no outlet for it. If she can stop hating you, it might help her to shift the focus to her own husband and what he hasn't been doing in the way of taking responsibility.

The 'comfort blanket' of guilt really does get in the way of understanding ourselves OP. It distorts our take on a situation and helps us lose perspective if we see ourselves as victims, other people as villains, ourselves as villains, or everyday situations as 'tragedies'. All the while we are self-flagellating, we are postponing taking a cold hard look at where the responsibilities lie in ourselves and where the responsibilities lie with others.

You and he were jointly responsible for these events, but the only way you can face up to your part in it is to see why it happened, without hiding behind comforters like 'He pursued me when I was vulnerable', 'I thought he loved me' and 'I wouldn't have been so cruel to my friend if I hadn't loved her husband as much as I did'. These are all excuses and are indefensible. The difficult questions are the ones you've been postponing. Why was I so vulnerable? Why did I think that him loving me - and me loving him - excused everything? Why did we not jointly protect against conceiving a child? What responsibility can I take myself for that - and what was his?

There might also be some clues in your childhood or past relationships that would be useful to explore with a counsellor. I think when you have done this, you might understand why you did what you did and know with certainty that you'd never do it again. It might also help you to forgive yourself (of most importance) and also perhaps him, at least for his role in the affair and the aftermath, if not for his unwillingness to shoulder some responsibility for your son.

I think counselling might also help to prepare you for moving towards a decision to parent your son without his father's involvement at all. It could help you deal with any questions he has throughout the years if you learnt to 'rewrite the story' without guilt and shame getting in the way, so that your son's internal story of his conception is a positive one. Much better that he grows up thinking that he was wanted so much by his mother that she faced all sorts of difficulty in keeping him and providing for him and was strong enough to resist pressure to terminate. And you should take pride in that and might be more able to do so more once you work through the uncomfortable stuff and learn to forgive.

^But why call him fuckwit ? Has he not done right by his wife? By cutting all contact with the ow. That is the most important part of making the marriage work.We are told that over and over and I would not accept my DH having any contact with his ex ow.
Maybe it was the OP's decision to have the baby? If so, his only responsibility is to pay maintainence^

He is a fuckwit.

I understand their marriage is important to them both, but how can any woman want to be with a man that can so easily abandon his own flesh and blood regardess of how it was concieved? I know I couldnt. She is punishing an innocent child for what its parents did and that puts her in the not so innocent camp.

Also his only responsibility isnt to pay maintenance, he has a child, he should be parenting that child.

He has chosen to put his marriage before his child, his wife is complicit in that.

OP you know where you went wrong, stop beating yourself up about it and dont let your childs father and his wife treat your child like this any more.

Sorry italics messed up there.

That's useful thank you windsor

I see what you are saying about asking why. That's why I started this thread. I'm going to get the ball rolling with counselling.

I don't know what I will tell my son when he asks. I have thought it would be a case of simply saying he didnt have a daddy until he was old enough to get the biology thing. I wouldn't ever want to tell him he was the product of an affair. I'm not sure that would be fair for him. It would make him feel he was from something sordid.