I was the OW

[SorrySorry]

And I don't know how to get past it.

I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to be outed. This post isn't really about the actual affair but about why it happened and how I can move on.

The basic history is that he was a friends husband. He initiated it. We had a brief fling, which resulted in a pregnancy and his wife was told. He has no physical contact with his child other then sending a present at Christmas and birthday times. All contact is done via email via his wife as per their insistence. I understand this is how they need things to be to heal the marriage so I'm happy to go along with that. The contact is very much along the lines of "please suggest a present" andy reply must not contain personal details about the dc.

So, my issue now is, 3 years on and it's still very much in my head. Not in a still love him way though.

I'm disgusted with myself. I cannot get past these feelings of guilt and constantly am questioning how I could have been so stupid. How did I ever think he cared? It's very obvious now that it was sexual for him. At the time I thought it was more because I convinced myself he liked me as we got on very well as friends previous to the A. I feel stupid. Like of course I should have known I couldn't offer him anything more then sex. He had everything already - house, wife, child and money to be comfortable. He'd never give that up and I should have seen that.

I feel sick at the thought of what we put his wife through. She was betrayed by her husband and someone she thought of as a friend. I can never make that right but wish everyday she knew how sorry I was. I read the threads here and feel awful for what I did.

I don't know how to stop it'll crashing around my head. I don't think I should be guilt free but I literally hate myself for being so thick and getting into the situation. My child has no father or extended family because of me. I never thought I was that kind of person but it's made me see what my personality is made of and I hate me.

I don't know what to do now.

Best thing in my view is that OP moves to a new area, has a fresh start, leaves the dad and wife behind and is fairly upbeat about it. There's no point in going over and over what happened, as that's in the past, and nobody in the triangle comes out well really.

My XDP was married to someone else, but they had been legally separated for donkey's years before I met him, and he had lived with another woman too. Nevertheless she was very hurt when I came on the scene, she was a bit of a cow at times, actually quite deliberately difficult, but then she calmed down and was very kind to our DD at times, in fact they grew quite fond of each other and DD used to stay at her place overnight and so on.

I think the more everyone maintains a bit of post-hoc dignity, the better, and then lives can be rebuilt.

I just remembered, when I DS1 with a completely different bloke, she had DD overnight then for me as well!

Let's not slag off the wife, Tadpoles.
She doesn't have a voice here and is perhaps, trying to do the best in an awful situation. Bad enough trying to recover and rebuild your marriage after an affair but with a child thrown in to add to the hurt (innocent, poor boy)and be a constant reminder of what a twat her husband was. '(wonders why he didn't use contraceptive?).
OP, you have been given really good advice on this thread, please take it and move on.Put your son first and forget about that man, he simply doesn't want to know.
Ensure your son is a confident boy and
in time when he is old enough to know the full story he will handle it well.
Good luck!

Don't slam the door on it either, just do what you need to do to make yourself and your son move on and be content, and let the rest fade away.

Athing: ha ha ha ha ha!

I think what Tadpoles is trying to say: marriage means nothing.

And: it's all the wife's fault.

I think the wife has been very noble about it all and he loves her, plain and simple. He is not afraid of losing his comfortable life or whatever. He simply loves her and wants his marriage otherwise he would have left.