I was the OW

[SorrySorry]

And I don't know how to get past it.

I don't want to go into too much details because I don't want to be outed. This post isn't really about the actual affair but about why it happened and how I can move on.

The basic history is that he was a friends husband. He initiated it. We had a brief fling, which resulted in a pregnancy and his wife was told. He has no physical contact with his child other then sending a present at Christmas and birthday times. All contact is done via email via his wife as per their insistence. I understand this is how they need things to be to heal the marriage so I'm happy to go along with that. The contact is very much along the lines of "please suggest a present" andy reply must not contain personal details about the dc.

So, my issue now is, 3 years on and it's still very much in my head. Not in a still love him way though.

I'm disgusted with myself. I cannot get past these feelings of guilt and constantly am questioning how I could have been so stupid. How did I ever think he cared? It's very obvious now that it was sexual for him. At the time I thought it was more because I convinced myself he liked me as we got on very well as friends previous to the A. I feel stupid. Like of course I should have known I couldn't offer him anything more then sex. He had everything already - house, wife, child and money to be comfortable. He'd never give that up and I should have seen that.

I feel sick at the thought of what we put his wife through. She was betrayed by her husband and someone she thought of as a friend. I can never make that right but wish everyday she knew how sorry I was. I read the threads here and feel awful for what I did.

I don't know how to stop it'll crashing around my head. I don't think I should be guilt free but I literally hate myself for being so thick and getting into the situation. My child has no father or extended family because of me. I never thought I was that kind of person but it's made me see what my personality is made of and I hate me.

I don't know what to do now.

OP can you confirm whether this fuckwit man is paying maintenance.

Also, it may help to only refer to him as fuckwit from now on

But why call him fuckwit ? Has he not done right by his wife? By cutting all contact with the ow. That is the most important part of making the marriage work.We are told that over and over and I would not accept my DH having any contact with his ex ow.
Maybe it was the OP's decision to have the baby? If so, his only responsibility is to pay maintainence.
So let's keep supporting the OP but leave off the name calling please.

SorrySorry you are having another baby?

Are you in a new relationship?

Clara the fuckwit he has a child with the OW. No contact is impractical. And unfair on the OP and her child. Who is actually the most important person in all of this. the fuckwit He should be paying maintenance every month. And access.

He cheated on his wife. He broke his wedding vows. He had sex with someone with whom he was not married.

Therefore, imho, a fuckwit who couldn't keep it in his trousers and is allowing another person to be blamed and punished for that instead of taking responsibility himself - so a spineless fuckwit to boot.

Sorry - breakfast was demanded :)

Can I just say, the only feelings I have towards him are based in anger. I'd never want to be near him again. He's shown his colours. He acted the victim and threw me under the bus to save himself. He is not man in any sense of the word.

He pays just under £7 a week. He is employed at minimum wage - by his wife as a consultant for their company. I spend more on fruit a week but they've played the CSA system well and if I want to disput it, I have to find the proof.

I'm not she'd welcome a letter from me. But I will think about it. I'm starting to resent how little responsibility he has taken but part of me wouldn't want him involved.

oh I see he and his wife are having a new baby?

Has this made you feel bitter/angry/resentful?

If so you do not have any right to feel this way. If he is paying maintenance that is all the law expects him to do...you cannot do no more...this will eat you up otherwise.

Get counselling and move on for your ds sake.

don't send the letter

they do not deserve you grovelling, as someone has already said you've accepted the way they want it, but I would not forgive the coldness they show your child

The next time you get an email that says "please suggest a present"

Tell him to come and see his child and then he can pick a present himself. Tell him you are no longer his convenient whipping boy you've resigned from your position as scapegoat.

Counselling is a good idea - you need to understand what it was in you that allowed you to do this to a friend and her husband.

Yes, it takes two to tango and no, I would not write a letter to the wife - esp if the underlying reason is to lessen your guilt. I would definitely not welcome a letter of apology from my friend who threw away our friendship when she shagged my husband and I would think she was looking for a way to get back into our lives.

I see your point mad. It might be seen as me just trying to lessen my guilt.

I think I have to just accept it and move on. But although I've said it here, my anger towards him is less of an issue then how I feel about myself. It's constant. Everything traces back to it - I have few friends because I'm not a nice person. A guy in a club makes a reference to a quickie because that's all I'll ever have to offer because that's who I am. It's never ending and in odd moments of clarity, like today, I don't feel I deserve it and I want to stop that way of thinking. That's wht I am here.

His behaviour aside, I need to change mine. I guess I've always felt great full for any little attention paid to me. I can't be that person. I can't be the type to be th OW so how do I be someone else?

That 's a point MadA.
When my DH broke up with exow she told him she may be pregnant. She wasn't, but if she had been I really don't know how I 'd have coped . I know it would have been very hard to accept the child and my H would not have wanted it.
So it's difficult for me to access this situation objectively.
However, it does look like the man is trying to do his best by his wife who was,afterall, betrayed by both her husband AND friend. Poor lass, I hope she is moving on.

mad do you feel that your friend did this to you and your husband? Is that your overriding feeling here?

I did struggle for a long time with thinking I'd done this to them and it seems certain that's how she feels too. But he pushed for it. He really did but are people always going to feel its my fault?

I hope she's ok too clara. They have a new baby so maybe things are going well?

I think his attitude towards the pregnancy is that I chose to keep the baby despite him making it clear he'd rather I didn't. So it's my responsibility isn't it?

I guess for me it was different as not with ds's dad when she apologised and this woman is still with him. For me it was letting go of anger towards OW as I thought she knew I was 5 months pregnant when he eventually left for OW.

I think she is taking huge risk having another baby ...I would not trust him or another friend ever again. But they must be stronger than ever to decide to have another baby and hope he doesn't do this to his family again!

SorrySorry you knew he was married and to your exfriend you need to accept him for not wanting to be in your ds life.

You seem rather annoyed you only get £7 a week? Why?

I'm sorry about what happened to you Clara. :(
The next time they email to ask you to pick a gift, ask for money, and tell them that the CSA money is inadequate.

We're going out to enjoy the sunshine. I'll be back to reply in more detail later.

Thanks for taking the time guys.

Well, in my case Sorry,I know my DH persued her and I blame him fully for the affair. She owes me nothing but I find it hard to respect people who knowlingly go in on a marriage. But you are sorry ,which is very important and won't do it again.
I am sure you are a nice person, just need to work on your self esteem.

How did you actually expect this to end though op?

agree with most of the other posters. what's done is done, yes, both you and him did wrong but your child is your priority now. And you need to somehow raise your self-esteem and deal with the feelings of anger and shame, for the sake of your child. I was also a child who was swept under the carpet (no marriages involved merely fecklessness on the part of birth father), and it's damaging to feel that your very existence is somehow shameful.

Fair enough that the wife insists on monitoring the e-mails between you, but it's horrendously cold for you not to be allowed to give any personal details about your child .

I am really shocked by the way the child has been dealt with in this situation.

I think that if he (exP) and you decide that he will not be a part of this child's life, then that needs to be absolute. Sending presents and not having other contact is bizarre and will be extremely hurtful to your child. And you putting those presents away is wrong, too - what if your child found out someday - how would he feel and how destructive would that be to his relationship with you - it's just a no-win situation. Meannwhile there is nothing to say that your exP won't decide down the road (maybe after his marriag ehas finally imploded!) that he wants to play Daddy, and your kid's life will be turned upside down.

This just sounds like a disaster for the child. I think you need to worry about that and sorting it out pronto in the way best for the child rather than worrying about your guilt and 'moving on'. OK, you made a mistake by acting selfishly in the past - now you have a chance an obligation to ac t differently, and more maturely, for the sake of your child. Fixing this will probably help you, too.

Right, you did not do this alone, yes, you did something without thinking of consequences. BUT SO DID HE.

Your lttle boy is a real person, with feelings and personality and all sorts of wonderful things, why should he be swept under the bloody carpet? I think, fine, his dad doesn't want to see him - THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I think your guilt is coming form this hold they have placed over you, it's like these emails are to remind you what a dirty secret you are and keep some hold over you and maybe her to keep some hold over her Husband. Because while you did take pat too, he also shat on his own doorstep.

From what you have said, it is like they do this to "keep you happy and to keep you away" If this was me I would be

1.Keeping records of all correspondance
2.Emailing them to say thank you for the presents, but they will no longer be neccessary - unless of course you wish to get to know your son, then you can decide what presents he will like and what is suitable. I think offer him that door, you are not blackmailing him, but your son needs a father in his life or not - he does not NEED at the moment a basically random stranger donating an extra gift at Christmas and on birthdays.

Ask yourself this

What is your son benefitting from this? He sees no Father, has no Father in his life - all this has not been decided by you but by them. yes, so far you have gone along with it but that is all. YOU have not done anything to your son - only by thinking that, because you are destroying yourself when you do. So stop that nonsense

This is not all about them and what is easiest for them - yes you did a not very nice thing, but you have all moved on, foy ou now, it is what is best for you and your son - you can only deal with what is happening in the now - and that is you and DS. enjoy him, this new love of your life, your boy and be glad you are not missing all of the things he (OM) is.

You can't get a round trip ticket back to the past, so concentrate on you and DS being happy, neither of you need things in your life that make you miserable and that does not need to be there. It would be different if he was begging to see him and you were preventing it, but that is not the case. Why should they use your ashamedness (is that a word) to call all of the shots?

I think this contact is the root/main cause of all this negativity you feel. Do not waste any more precious now time by using it all up wth the past.

The maintenance thing is complicated. Yes, absent parents should pay maintenance, but in real life, the reality is that the one doing the paying invariably sees it as some kind of big favour or gift, and more often than not, views the recipient parent as ungrateful or grasping. It also means you have to have a tie to the past in an unhelpful way, and that you are put in the position of having to be some kind of supplicant.

Better to take pride in supporting your child yourself, and doing it with a bit of style. The best revenge is living well, after all. Bank the £7 a week and give it to your child when they go to university, and let them work out how little it was over the years. (£350 a year over 18 years is a puny £6300).

mad do you feel that your friend did this to you and your husband? Is that your overriding feeling here?

I blame both parties - her because she was my friend but most of all I feel betrayed by my H who made sacred vows to me on our wedding day in front of family and friends.

What they did to me has devastated me and changed the way I feel about life and I do not understand how women can do this to their friends. I believe that these women must be really fucked up in order to behave in this way, hence the reason why I think working on your own issues and self esteem will be good for you.

This child will be very aware that 'daddy' is not around soon enough and want to know the whys and wheres.

I think its disgraceful that 'daddys' only presence is a present a couple of times a year, arranged via his wife. I wouldnt subject my child to that. Its worse than just abandoning the child altogether, imo.