This is very personal to me. It is my perspective, no more, no less.
At 13 in six months,
After 1 suicide attempt
And two hospitalisations after drinking too much,
I was unhappy and vulnerable.
As Empty as Nothing
They all say they love me but I feel so alone,
The sounds are my tears my wails and my groans.
I?m standing here screaming but no-one can hear,
No-one can stop these hysterical tears.
I know I can?t be saved after all of this
If I left, not one soul would I miss.
Neither would I be missed if I were ended,
Too much has happened that can?t be amended.
Lower than low, down to the ground,
Forever I?ll stay here never to be found.
No-one understands the pain that I feel
But it?s always there, so deep and so real.
My life and it?s point has been completely drowned,
Forever I feel I?m eternally bound.
I?m feeling so low I break down and cry,
I?m feeling so sad I just want to die.
There?s nothing in my life, no reason to stay.
The loneliness devours me, night noon and day.
This emptiness makes me certain of something,
My life is as empty, as empty as nothing.
I learned being unhappy and vulnerable was bad.
That it caused my parents to be unhappy.
That it caused my brother to leave.
It was my fault.
I learned I was bad and felt ashamed.
Sorry
I?m sorry for saying the things that I?ve said,
I regret all those things that I have done.
I didn?t want to hurt you as much as I did,
I never want to hurt you again.
Do you think I enjoyed being horrid and nasty?
I hated every second as much as you.
Do you think I took pleasure in making you cry?
Until your eyes were red and sore?
I don?t like what I?ve done to myself.
And the things I?ve made people think of me.
I hated the thought of your cruel empty words,
I hated the thought that I made you hate me.
I look back on all the times that I scared you,
And brought everyone else along for the ride.
Every single time I?m ashamed and I cringe,
I feel so guilty and can?t stop the tears.
I?m sorry for hurting you.
I?m sorry for scaring you.
Please forgive the things that I?ve done.
I?m sorry.
At 15, 6 months after being raped I talked about it.
7 months later I was destroyed.
Desperation
Through your eyes you see failure,
Because I am not what you wanted.
You compare me to people I never could be.
Disappointed because I am not scholarly or virtuous.
My thoughts are not of your worth,
And you find my ideas absurd,
And I am not wise enough
For my opinion to have importance.
Let me breathe my own air
I can experience life for myself.
Not from your eyes
And not from your shoes.
My voice cannot be heard to anyone
Because you intervene.
Like a vulture you scour for fragments,
My broken history, confusing even to me.
Forced to reveal my insides naked and raw,
Never thinking how hard it feels.
My life so unprotected
And at your leisure you tell me what you will.
From honesty breeds unhappiness.
I tell you truths to help you understand.
You only hear what you want to,
A blueprint for your vain interference.
Setting standards I would never lay down
Expecting from me what I never wanted.
Growing into not my own life but your,
With your morality and beliefs strange to me.
Strong against your control now,
Your disappointment and shame doesn?t break me?for a while.
You wear me down and weaken me,
And soon I don?t fight anymore.
You twist and warp me,
Until I am no longer me because,
You make me believe
Everything I feel and think and want
Is wrong.
I learned I was bad and felt ashamed.
It hurt.
I reached out to the people who loved me.
Trust Me
Trust Me, as I am a person capable of making decisions.
Trust Me as I have my own mind, my own beliefs and ideas.
Trust Me to live my beliefs and entertain those ideas.
Trust Me as I have a voice, yearning to be heard.
Trust Me to listen as well as to talk.
Trust Me to hear the answers to my questions.
Trust Me to look around in awareness.
Trust Me as I see the world around me, to feel it to breathe it.
Trust Me to feel with my heart and think with my head.
Trust Me to learn from my mistakes, to come through stronger and wiser.
Trust Me to take responsibility for my actions, for all I say and do.
Trust Me that I will learn all I can from my experiences.
Trust me to accept my defeats with grace not grief.
Trust me to rise when I fall and start all over again.
Trust me in times of trial to choose which way I fly.
Trust me to fly with my own wings,
To live my dreams.
To follow my destiny.
Trust me as I have trusted you.
Trust me, because I love you.
But they didn?t.
Talking was unsafe.
Feeling was unsafe.
So I didn?t.
Trust Me in times of trial to choose which way to fly.
Trust Me to fly with my own wings,
Trust Me to live my dreams,
To follow my destiny.
Trust Me, as I have trusted you.
Trust me, because I love you.
But they didn?t.