This is huge (1708 words), but semi cathartic, and a good start for when I get some counselling. Don't worry if you don't read it, it is for me more than anyone. There is enough information in here to identify me, but you know what, I don't care. If it is read, maybe eyes will be opened, and life can't get much worse, cos of DS.
Another newbie to the thread, although I have been on a slow journey this last 12 to 18 months or so realising that my mum is far from perfect. I don't know if toxic is the right word but I know I will find the support on this thread, whatever the label. Part of my problem is working out what really is normal, and what isn't. But I am slowly seeing more and more things that are wrong, or off.
It all came to a head, maybe even 2 years ago when she threatened to call social services on me for neglecting my son. Up until that point, although our opinions weren't always the same, we didn't argue, or more to the point, I didn't talk back. I'm 33 now, so I wasn't young, but it just wasn't done. When my ds was younger I remember a memorable time when she told me I was a better parent than she had ever been, but all of a sudden, out of the blue, I had x time (2 months maybe, I can't remember) to pull my socks up or that was it. And mum has always done as she said. And we grew up knowing that if mum found out we had committed a crime, she would be marching us down to the police station and handing us in herself. And I knew I was struggling with ds, and although I didn't admit it to her, I knew if SS came round, they would be giving me support at the very least. I wasn't going to say that though, I just sat there, shocked. Didn't say anything.
Anyway, a couple of months passed, things must have improved in her eyes, as she didn't carry out the threat, and then she made the same threat again, that she was going to call SS and have my son taken off me. This time I had an answer. I didn't get angry, I didn't change the tone of my voice, i just calmly asked her how she was going to manage that, given that they didn't take Baby Peter or Shannon Matthews away, given that she had no rights to keep my son away from me, and that my house wasn't the worst by a long shot. I didn't get an answer. A few days later I actually got a, grudging, apology. She had spoken to my Dad (works in the police) and he had confirmed there a lot worse houses than mine around. It was followed by "That doesn't make it right though".
After the first time she made the threat, I all but cut myself off from her. Went from a telephone call most nights to once a week or so. I went from going round two or three times a week, to going round maybe once a week. And as time went on, I started thinking about my past. Remembering how my sister (8 years younger than me, 5 years younger than my brother) was spoilt beyond belief, compared to us older two. She was an accident, the one that wasn't meant to be. The one that arrived relatively shortly before my dad (then in the forces) went on a tour of Ireland, leaving my mum to bring the three of us up alone. And the one she doted on, always did, and it feels like she still does. We stopped getting cuddles around the time my sister was born - mum had an abusive background and she says it is because we were getting to the age where she felt it inappropriate, because of her background. My sister, however, still has cuddles now, long cuddles, and she is in her mid twenties.
My sister got to watch programmes at a much younger age than we did - because we were watching them and so mum couldn't censor it for my sister the way she did for us. She went to bed later than we did at her age - this is denied or an excuse found, but not satisfactorily explained. Even now she seems to be the golden child and I am fed up with it.
My mum also has a nasty habit of delivering criticisms and put downs a lot, but never in company, because that isn't polite and makes it look like she hasn't the perfect family (ahem, I am dx'd aspie, my brother dx'd dyspraxic. If they were assessed, I suspect my brother, sister and mum would all get a dx of aspergers as well, but oh no, not in her perfect family). No, out in public we get a look, then in private later we get the little comments, things that wouldn't seem too bad even if in public, but it is every time she notices something she doesn't approve of.
We grew up distanced from my mums side of the family, and now she has all but cut herself off from them, I feel she considers herself the white sheep of a black family. And although with the knowledge of some of her upbringing I can understand the not wanting to have contact, she has done her best to bring us up not wanting contact either, running her family down in little comments and remarks here and there. And she very nearly managed as well. I am the only one with even semi-regular contact with my maternal family. Yet they both feel like they are not good enough for my dads side of the family. So any time we go out for a meal or anything she takes us out and buys us all new clothes, ones that she feels suit our figures (I am petite but on the large size, she prefers clothes that flatter my figure - i.e. hide the fat) so we are not turning up in old clothes or possibly even ones they have seen before (I'm sure they would remember - not! We see them once in a blue moon) And if we don't agree with her choice, we go around and around until we either find an outfit we both agree on, or until I give in cos I am fed up with it all and go for the best of the selection we have found.
There is so much more, but too much to think of now.
My brother has to have the best and be the best at everything, always has. My sister feels as the youngest she is never going to be the first to do anything, so has to try and outshine us, cos she feels that is the only way she can be noticed. My mum, well enough said, apart from the fact that black is black and white is white. Once her mind is made up, it's never going to change. My Dad probably does enable my mum, but you know what, I have always been a Daddys girl, and always will be. He is in the process of retiring, and I am going to see if we can start spending some time alone, maybe twice a month, just me and him, cos I miss my Dad.
I have recently realised that what my mum always levelled at us as the worst thing we could possibly be - just like her family (as in her mum, dad, brother and sisters) - is actually what I am and who I have always been. I have recently got to know her youngest sister, my aunt, really well and discovered I haven't gained an aunt, but a big sister. I am so much a member of my 'mothers maiden name' family. And that is probably why she as such a downer on me. Because I am everything she didn't and doesn't want in her family.
My self confidence isn't bad but my self esteem is low and my sense of self worth is shot to hell. I cannot believe I am worthy of anything good, because good things never last, if they happen at all. I now have a (very) new partner who is helping me with all this and more besides. Since I have known him, I have been signed off sick for longer than I have been at work. Signed off with depression. An illness which, according to my mum doesn't exist, you just need to pull your socks up and get on with life. But dp is helping me. Helping me believe in myself. Being there for me. Driving the 45 minutes each way to come and cuddle me for 3 hours, because I was in such a state that I needed cuddles.
My aunt is also supporting me. Despite only recently (end of August) moving to the area from over 200 miles away. When I broke, she insisted on me stopping at her house, with her family, my family, making sure I slept and ate, even if that was just a third of a bowl of soup and a slice of bread. Or cooking all the fish fingers she had in, cos I fancied fish fingers and had barely eaten in about 48 hours.
My mum is still in my life, just, along with the rest of my family, because of my son. Ds has had a lot of problems in his life, and dotes on his maternal extended family. Stopping him seeing them will cause much more issues than allowing contact. And I even give him contact without me being there, as I cannot stand spending any more time than I have to there. I just make sure that I provide a very secure house here, in which he isn't put down, he is loved and supported in every way, and that he knows that being criticised and put down unfairly is not fair and not something I will back my mum up on.