I have been thinking about posting on here for a little while but had all the usual doubts that what I see happening in my relationship with my Mum are not serious enough to warrant joining this thread.
I started a thread on MN a few days ago regarding the latest in a long line of interactions with my Mum that have left me feeling lost, and confused as to whether the problem is with me or with my Mum. Opinions on the thread didn?t really help clarify it for me as they were split fairly evenly between people saying that I was rude and childish and they felt sorry for my Mum, and those who seemed to pick up on the manipulative undertones in her messages that I see myself.
Some people recommended that I post here and others said to stay away from this thread. So I am even more confused now, here is my back story hopefully it will provide some insight into whether or not I have a toxic relationship with my Mum and help me manage our relationship better.
Sorry but this will probably be long, but even if no one reads it; I think it will help me to write it all down.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my Mum; as far back as I can remember she has always seemed disappointed in me, and that nothing I do is ever ?good enough?. I have been told from a very early age that she doesn?t know what she did to deserve me, and that I am difficult and awkward.
I have been told that I was an unaffectionate child that never wanted to sit on her lap, unless I was ill. That I made her life harder, that I was an awful stroppy, unhelpful, unpleasant teenager, and that I was always the problem. I have a younger brother who somehow manages to be always in favour, even though he is very busy and doesn?t have time to see Mum much or help her practically (which I do). I get on well with db, and we have discussed the difficulties I have with Mum and he just says that?s how she is, let in wash over me, don?t make it difficult, anything for an easy life basically.
When I was living at home with Mum and db (parents split when I was 8 and divorced when I was 10) I was always in trouble for not doing something right, i.e. the washing up, I had quite a lot of responsibilities at home as my Mum was a single parent and worked fulltime as well as some evenings. Mum was very hormonal and shouty at all times at home, and I usually bore the brunt of her temper, she hit me fairly regularly, with everything from a shoe and a suitcase (!) to a milk bottle that was smashed over the back of my head during a row (about washing up I believe). I may have caused this one though, as we were arguing and she threw the water in the bottle at me (she was watering the plants) and I said ?Happy now?? so she said ?No, but this will make me happy? and smashed the bottle around the back of my head.
I was always frightened of her, felt controlled by her and was very unhappy living at home, especially once I was a teenager. She stopped hitting me when one day when I was about 16, she slapped me across the face, and without thinking about it, I slapped her back and said that that was the last time she would be hitting me. I moved out as soon as I could when I was 17, and have never been back, even now I feel uncomfortable in her house and struggle to sleep if I am there overnight.
I feel that she was a very harsh parent, and that more often than not her punishments were due to her loss of temper rather than me having done anything truly awful. For example, I used to love horses and used to bike to the stables before and after school to help out, but if I had upset her in any way she used to forbid me to go and this would lead me to let down the people I was helping (on one occasion the lady said that I couldn?t help any more because I was unreliable) I used to feel such rage at the injustice of it all, and I think that I probably still have this rage buried deep down.
Recently, I have been spending more time with my Mum and even began to start feeling maybe we could be friends. I have spoken to her about my feelings during my recent separation from and reconciliation with my husband, but I now see this was a mistake. Mum has never liked dh and has been using our chats as a time to tell me how much like my Dad dh is (they do have some similarities, but not necessarily negative ones imo) and that I should have left him years ago, because she would never have put up with him (this is obvious to me, Mum is very rigid and inflexible, I don?t believe compromise is a word she has in her dictionary) she has told me several times that she preferred it when I wasn?t with dh because she saw more of me and I needed her. It?s true, I did ask for help more with the children whilst we were apart, I have depression and I was really struggling on my own, feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility for the three dc on my own.
However, Mum doesn?t behave like a gp to the dc, she continuously ?parents? them, pick, pick, pick at their perceived failings/misbehaviour. I feel that I have allowed this for years and now I have started treatment for my depression, which included some CBT/counselling, for the first time ever I can see how she treats my dc clearly, and I don?t like it. She is very critical of them, to the point that they don?t want to spend time with her anymore, my eldest dd has told me that she thinks I am far more strict and nasty to them when I am with my Mum, and I feel that I do parent like her when I am with her, maybe it?s because I am still looking for her approval? I don?t know, but now I have realised that this is upsetting and damaging to my children, I can?t allow it to continue, but how the hell do I change things?
I have read ?how to talk so children will listen..? and dh and I are working together to do our best to parent our children kindly, fairly and without shouting. It is difficult as I only ever had my Mum?s model to follow, but I am determined to do this for my dc. It seems to be working so far, dh and I are parenting as a team, the children are happier, less defensive and better behaved, but this is while I am not seeing my Mum, I don?t know how to say that she is not allowed to shout at the dc anymore, and that we need to be consistent with discipline.
Previously, when we have used time out in the pushchair for ds (he?s 3) he has been put in the pushchair for 3 minutes, having been told why he is going in there, and then we have spoken to him afterwards, he understands why we have put him in there, he apologises and we move on. Last time the dc stayed over at my Mum?s she put him in the pushchair and kept increasing the time he was in there because he wouldn?t be quiet, and he was in there for 20 minutes! So even when I have explained the methods we use to her, and why, she still thinks she knows better and undermines all our consistency.
I just am not sure where to go from here. I haven?t spoken to my Mum since we fell out (see previous thread) over what we were doing for her birthday, I didn?t ring/text her on her birthday, although I did send a card from us all. I feel guilty for not contacting her (particularly as it was her birthday) but I didn?t think it would be a good idea to speak to her when I still feel so angry and upset with her (I thought it would make the situation worse). Even though I feel guilty, I also feel relieved and peaceful that I haven?t spoken to her at all, I don?t miss the daily phone call with the latest rant from her about what Tesco/her neighbours/the bin men have done, or the subtle put downs and snide remarks about how bad my parenting/life choices are.
Sorry for the me me me essay, and thanks if you?ve got this far, it feels better for having started to type some of it out.